Any suggestions for...

[Shadowann2]

helping an SO cope with a manic phase of bi-polar? This is the first time he's been manic since we've been together and I'm just at a loss.

He is driving himself crazy with racing thoughts, very little sleep, and crazy fantasies that he finds disturbing. We are both concerned about him cheating and he's afraid to have sex with me because he says that once we do one thing, he'll want more and more. He's afraid that he will start wanting things that are not acceptable, within the bounds of our relationship, and that things will get out of control.

I want to do something to help him, and I've told him that it is ok to talk to me about anything and everything that is racing through his mind, but he says he is afraid to talk to me because he's afraid his thoughts will freak me out. Any pointers for dealing with this, and/or what I can do to help him?

 

[SweetErika]

Is he getting professional care from a doctor and/or therapist? If so, it seems like your best bet would be to talk to his provider about this since s/he knows him and can help you two outline some boundaries. Plus, maybe he needs a medication adjustment or something if he's afraid of his current state.

If not, it sounds like it's time for him to do so.

 

[NippleMuncher]

I agree with Erica, he needs to see his doctor/psychologist for medication and counseling.

 

[ravi64]

such problems are best dealt by a pro in case you are hesitant to meet one ,for whatever reason i wish to warn you that the problem is likely to aggravate,in case the man is on any narcotics ensure that he give it up immediately,yoga helps contact a guru and start straight away

 

[Shadowann2]

Thank you for your suggestions. He was out of work for 10 months and had no insurance, and since he wasn't working, he couldn't afford to pay out of pocket for a doctor and meds. He has now been working for 3 months, and his insurance was supposed to start on Jan. 1, but we haven't recieved the cards yet. At the suggestion of a friend, he is getting in touch with his HR rep to see if he can get his card numbers so he can be seen ASAP. We know he needs to see a doctor and get on medication, and we are going to do it this week, one way or another.

My question is more about helping on a personal level. Bi-polar medication will help; we know that, but even with medication he will always have his highs and lows. Medication doesn't make bi-polar go away or prevent the highs and lows. It makes the highs not so high, and the lows not so low, but he will never be "cured" of this. Since I plan on spending the rest of my life with him, I need to know how I can help him with this. I am reading a book on living with someone who is bi-polar, but I was honestly hoping for some real life suggestions. What has worked/not worked for other people.

The lows I know how to deal with because I've suffered from major depression many times in my life, and I can relate to that in him, and I know things to do to help pull him out of it. The manic side is something new for me. He is having thoughts and feelings that scare me a bit, and I know he is holding himself in very tight right now in order to avoid doing anything to hurt me or ruin our relationship. My biggest worry is that, at some point, he's going to explode. You can only hold so much in for so long! So how do I help him deal with his mania, as the woman who loves him, on a personal level?

 

[Ohiorob]

Years ago a family member went thought some difficult bi-polar years. We had no knowledge about mental health issues or what was involved in treatment. We all survived and learned a bit along the way. I can suggest this book:
An Unquiet Mind
A Memoir of Moods and Madness
By Dr Kay Redfield Jamison
Professor of Psychiatry, John Hopkins School of Medicine

Jamisons book is about her own manic-depression. Thought it was well written and insightful. Perhaps it will be helpful. Since this book is a "self-examination", your SO may find some encouragement reading it also.

If his medical coverage began Jan 1, his HR people should be able to give him all info he would need to see a doc and be covered. That's a good first step.

Best of luck to you both.

 

[PertPerth]

My biological mother was schizophrenic. Much of the family ignored it, hence, she didn't get the regular treatment she so desperatly needed. I couldn't help - all I did was regularly ask her to get professional help.

What you can do, Shadowann2, is learn all you can about his condition - which it sounds like you're doing. Make sure he's taking his medication as prescribed (when you finally get it) and ensure he doesn't miss any therapy sessions. I always think of it like diabeties - it's a condition which needs to be managed for life. When someone breaks their leg, you have to take them to a professional for treatment. If you try to treat them at home, you can potentially do more harm. You can, however, make things more comfortable for the patient.
Routine is good, so being unemployed can make things a lot more difficult to manage. It's really good to hear that he's now got a job. Regular excercise and regular sleeping patterns are important too. Try and see if you can find a bi-polar support group near you. DO tell you family and friends enough to give yourself a strong support network, but not too much as to not make people act differently towards your partner.

I hope things settle quickly once he's back on medication.

 

[operaBaritone]

As someone who is bipolar (though Bipolar II, your SO sounds like he/she is bipolar I) really the only thing I think you can offer at this point is

patience

and realizing that this sort of thing is extremely difficult to deal with (though you seem to be doing that part pretty well). Unfortunately bipolars cover such a range of experiences it's very hard to know "what to do" even if one is bipolar.

Be well

PS: I know of a chat room for people dealing with mental illnesses such as bipolar, PM me if you want to know the site (I'd rather not release it on the board). I go there myself and it has been helpful.

 

[cryforme1v]

i dont know if this will help and im sure neither of you will do it - its kind of out there.
I'm bipolar as well - i've been on meds for a few years for it.
When i get into the "maniac" stage where it feels like the world of caving in, or when i'm so pissed off i feel like i could kill someone - i typically lock myself in my bedroom and dont let anyone near me. I have a 5 year old so when i get into those phases i generally call my parents in to help with him. Its not the best way to deal with it, but it keeps me in line when i have those phases. I'd rather lock myself away from the world so i dont accidentally piss someone else off or worse - hurt them. My boyfriend hates it but he supports me through it and helps the best he can.

 

[zabotage]

I haven't had a manic phase for about 2 or 3 years now, but he will be feeling very week and totally out of control BUT what he's saying about not wanting to have sex because he may loose control is his way of saying he's too ill at the moment. the only way i got out of my last one was to lay on the sofa and watch lord of the rings, and the film of studio ghibli for 2 weeks strait, i lost 2 stone and was being sick every day though stress and worry....generally about nothing in particular but i didn't know that until after. After the initial 2 weeks i had to go and made an appearance at university and sobbed the way there through fear lol, but when i got there that was the breaking point for me and got me back on track.

sorry for the brief past history on my experience but you're saying you dont know how to react? from what i can make out, and well i would start by sitting with him doing whatever it is he wants to do, for as long as you can manage then get to the point where he can funtion slightly better then go on from there.

hope i shared something useful

 

[Mobri]

I agree that patience is one of the best things you can do. From the sound of it, he's concerned about the effect he's having on you. It's important to comfort him and let him know you're there for him.

Everything else you appear to be doing. Take a deep breath and make sure you don't neglect yourself while helping him through this. The quickest way to lose your mind is to let your health, mental or physical, suffer heavily during this period.

 

[Recidiva]

Bipolar is very difficult to cope with and to treat. It runs in my family. I don't think modern medicine has a good handle on it, and many of the medications have side effects that are worse.

The biggest issue for me and those in my family is making sure you get enough sleep. And that won't cure a person at all, but it helps keep the brain and body on the rails. Nutrition and sleep and exercise.

I take Benadryl to help my mind slow down at night and to get some decent rest and to keep my brain from racing off the tracks. It's about the only thing that helps me manage that symptom without screwing me up with personality shifts or grogginess.

My sympathies and my best wishes for coping. I don't really think there's in any sense a modern "cure" that doesn't spin off problems just as bad.

The hardest thing is to give up the highs when you know you earned it with the lows. But you have to really shoot for middle of the road and pull yourself back in as much as possible behaviorally and not just go with it.

If you go for professional care, be in for the long haul. It means no magic bullet cures, but a process that will be a long slog for the rest of a lifetime and a constant conscious balancing act with brain chemistry voting for being knocked off center.

 

[sb2009]

one thing to point out is that, his fears right now of what he might do (for example, during sex) are getting him worked up and they are probably not reality based. It's part of the cycle - the thoughts race out of control, feeding on each other.

Has his p-doc upped a mood stabilizer to cope with this phase? It's true that the ups and downs will always be there, but properly medicated, he will not have to suffer the extremes of height/low and the fequency.

Hypersexuality is common, and honestly, i'd try to ease his mind and let him have as much sex with you as you can handle, it won't hurt. I understand the fear of cheating, but the fact that he is worrying about it shows some self-awareness and he hopefully has a game plan for how to deal with the urges.

You sound like a great source of support for him!

 

[sb2009]

oh, and I've with Recidiva that treatment is a long haul, a series of try-its and elimination. And mabye switching docs. But for me, so well worth it, beyond anything I can even say. My life is mine now, I'm in control, not my illness.

 

[TriumphGuy]

Medication is the answer for Bi-polar disease. I am not a doctor, but I come in contact with a considerable amount of bi-polar people who don't take their meds and it leads to me being there often.

 

[Shadowann2]

Thanl you everyone! You have really given me some great suggestions and some good ideas of things to try. There are some changes that we need to make in our day-to-day life to try to control things. The biggest problem is his job, and the hours he works. It really puts a lot of stress on him, and our relationship, and makes it very hard for him to be on a set sleep schedule. He is currently looking for another job, but it took him 10 months to find this one, so who knows how long it will take to find another one!

Our family doctor put him on anti-mania meds until he can get in to see a psychiatrist later this week. So far it seems to be helping, but since he has been rapid cycling, I'm really worried that it will send him the other way and he'll become depressed. Right now we are just going to have to wait and see.

 

[Bugzs_HoneyBunny]

my "two cents"

Just thought i'd tell you some of my own experiences...being a bi-polar myself. hope you don't mind.

I've been bipolar for as long as i can remember, but i didn't get help until a few years ago. This was because i thought it was normal, which it was...for me.
It became worse when my uncle died and i had no way of dealing with it.
I went into a long period of a constant low stage. That lasted for 5 years. I had no help, and was powerless to change my situation....my parents thought i was lazy.
I stayed in my room all the time, cut all my ties to the outside world, and was unable to continue school or get a job.I became a cutter, and did a lot of things to that was bad for me. This happened because i was trapped in my own mind. And for a little while i would feel better. But it always came back

I fought a lot with my family, and was pretty much called a looser who couldn't do anything right. the change came when my grandmother dragged me with her to see a doctor, because she knew that something was very wrong with me.
That was the beginning of my healing process.

The reason i'm telling you this, is because i hope you can find some help in what i'm writing.

Anyway, i started seeing a psychologist....
and before i got better...i got worse.
I got medication, but of course i still got the highs and lows. I mostly have lows, but once i got on the meds i was better able to work through my issues.
But now, 6 years later i am not struggling with lows, but the highs.

And i when i do get the high periods, my mind is racing all the time..i get headaches, can't sleep....and the things i want sexually is way out there.But i'm not gonna tell you all about that....my point is...i have found a few things that help me through it.

I know you have probably heard it before...but i'll tell you anyway.

It is VERY important for him to get what is in his mind out. You say he doesn't want to tell you it all, because he doesn't want to scare you. Which he most likely will.
But what helps me A LOT is to write it down, every single thing....doesn't matter if it doesn't make any sense...it doesn't have to...the important thing is to get it out.

A few other things that also helps me a lot, and i know it's mentioned above...but.

-exercise, and preferably the kind that exhausts you...i usually run and lift weights.
-Yoga, but also meditation. Or just to go somewhere where i can find some place where i can find peace, which can seem impossible to find sometimes.
-Listen to music that calms me, and sign a long to, if there are any lyrics.(this helps because you listen to the music, you focus on the text...and it gives your mind a little break)

i don't know if you are aware of this, you might be..but the diet is also important.
I have to keep a very healthy diet...with lots of fresh fruits and vegetables, as little sugar, and meat as possible.
It do actually affect the mind...or at least it does to me.

I also drink a lot of tea and water...because tea calms me.
And the water has a cleansing affect on me, and i drink it as cold as possible.

The most important thing about my the food, is if i eat anything with sugar or rich in fat....it makes me worse.

I'm not a professional, these are just something i've learned from myself...but it works on me.

A few other things though......
sorry for dragging this out, i just want to help anyway i can, i've been there...and i know what it is like...and it is PURE HELL to go through, and also incredibly hard to watc as it happens. Both my mother and i have bipolar, so i can sympathize with both sides.

Anyway....when i do get manic...i do anything i can to try to keep my mind busy.
And it helps if there is someone there to help me do that. Something that is both physical and that keeps the mind busy....preferably something challenging.

However it is very important that i am not pushed, stressed or forced to do anything...

Sometimes you need to be alone away from people and process the thoughts as they enter your mind. And to understand that even though you are having these thoughts whether it is thoughts of cheating, being violent, etc....whatever it is that goes through your mind...it doesn't mean it is something that you will do, even though it feels that way. Even though the thoughts are so strong and almost overpowering, if you process them, write them down or even talk about them with someone you trust. It helps a lot. If you don't get them out, they WILL stay put, and there will be a much bigger chance that you will in fact do them.

Just one more thing that can be VERY helpful to a person that is going through this, is to talk to someone who has been there, someone you can confide in and that you know won't pass judgment on you.
That person needs to be open minded and honest. And most importantly....it needs to be someone you can trust.

I have found it helps to talk to someone who is not apart of my normal life, and that never will be.

Of course it is important to go through treatment and get the right medication, but the disability will never go away completely....however if you get to know yourself, and the signs .....you can learn to live with it, and it will be as normal to you as taking a shower or brushing your teeth. It's boring and can be time consuming, but is well worth it.

Ok, I am REALLY sorry about writing so much...but this is something i feel strongly about, and i know what it is like to go through it.

I wish you both good luck, and if you ever want to ask me anything or talk, or just need someone to listen, just pm me.
I'm not an expert,i'm not a professional...but sometimes it helps to talk to someone who has gone through it.

Again REALLY, REALLY sorry for writing so much
Especially if this doesn't help you at all, if that is the case...my honest apologies.

I wish you both all the best, and hope you will be able to find what works for you, and remember to not give up, even though it seems as though you will never get better, it will. But it takes a lot of work and patience.

 

[Bugzs_HoneyBunny]

OH MY GOD, i am so sorry for writing so much, didn't think it would actually be that much