Any suggestions for a first time author?

[Ange1icflowers]

here's the story...in it's current state. I have some ideas for a "sex scene" once she gets to charlotte...but i'm having some problems setting up the background..oh and i hit a road block.
thanks

angel

I can't believe I'm doing this. 6 months before my wedding and I'm 'exploring options'. Good lord.Sydney shook her head even as she continued on the 6-hour drive to Charlotte. She thought back to the phone conversation that got her started on this excursion. It had been 5 days ago when she had telephoned her best friend, Nathan, to let him know she was getting married. She had put it off as long as possible, knowing deep down that he had feelings for her, and not wanting to hurt him. With only 6 months to go, and wanting him to be there, she decided to bite the bullet and tell him.

The conversation had definitely not gone as planned.
“Hey there stranger! What’s new,” I asked.
“Not much…yet anyway” Leave it to Nate to see the façade I put up. He always did know when I was lying.
“Well, we hadn’t touched base in awhile and I was thinking about you so I thought I’d call.”
“Uh-huuuh. So what’s new? How’s Zach doing?” I could tell he was unconvinced with my answer.
“Oh Zach’s doing well…getting pretty big. You know he’s 3 now right?” Ah yes, fall back on talking about my kid. Good cover. “How’s your sister doing Nate? She still with that loser?”
“Yeah, she is. What she sees in him is beyond me. Speaking of losers…how’s Ryan?”
Ouch. Nate never did like me dating him.
“Oh…he’s doing well. He’ll be done college in a month.”
“That’s good,” he said, feigning enthusiasm. “You two still together?”
Eek. The question of the day. A long pause.
“Yeah…we’re still together.” Did he buy it?
“Okaaaay…. Syd…what’s going on here?” Damn. He knows me too well. Another long pause. “Syd?”
“Well…that’s why I called.”
“I see. Go on.”
Okay. Here goes. “Ryan asked me to marry him.” Whew. Now what will he say?
“And?”
“I said yes,” I said, cringing.
“I see.” Silence. Damn. More Silence.
I rushed on. “Well the wedding’s in August and I want you to come.”
Another round of silence.
“Why?” What the hell does he mean by why?
“What do you mean ‘why’?”
“Why do you want me there? It’s obvious you don’t need me.”
Ouch.
“Well, you’re right I don’t need you there. I want you there. You are, after all, my best friend,” I countered him with a hint of sarcasm.
“Yeah…best friend.” Dead silence. He sounds thrilled.
“You there Nate?”
“Yeah, I’m still here.”
“So will you come? I hate to do this to you but I kinda need to know.” Silence.
“Do you really need to know now? I mean…this is so sudden…out of the blue.”
“Well, I had hoped to get the caterer a count by the end of this month…at least an estimate,” I lied. I really wanted to sort things out before the wedding.
“I can’t just make that decision right now on the spot.”
“Why not? Are you coming or not? I don’t see anything difficult about it.”
“Yeah well, it’s not just whether or not my schedule allows it, you know.”
He’s hiding something. “Well then what is it about?”
“It’s complicated. Let’s just leave it at that,” he said.
“C’mon Nate. We’ve known each other too long to be playing these games. What’s going on,” I prodded.
“I just don’t think I can be there and watch you marry the wrong guy. That’s all.”
Wrong guy? “So you don’t like Ryan, huh?”
“What was your first clue,” he said, dripping with sarcasm.
Ah yes…reverting to sarcasm. That was Nate’s way of avoiding topics.
“Well, it never seemed to bother you before,” I retorted.
“You weren’t marrying him before.”
God, this is such a childish argument. “Nate, what’s gotten into you? You've never used such a nasty tone with me before”
“I’m sorry. One tends to be an ass when the woman he loves is marrying another guy,” he said with another sarcastic tone. Shocked silence.
He loves me? When did that happen? I knew he liked me more than just a friend, but I thought it was at most just physical.
“Sydney? You okay there,” he asked with concern in his voice.
“Umm, yeah. Give me a sec okay,” I replied weakly.
“Yeah, sure. No problem.”
Okay Syd, breathe.
“Syd, listen,” he continued. “I didn’t mean to cause a problem. It just kinda came out.”
“That’s okay. You can’t help how you feel.”
He continued. “It’s just I’ve sat on my hands and now I realize it could be too late.”
“Nate, you’re not making any sense,” I said, somewhat confused.
With a deep breath he persisted. “God, how do I put this…when you came into my life things weren’t good. I had just moved, lost all my friends, lost my career dreams. Everything. I wasn’t ready to have a relationship. Hell, I wasn’t even ready to have new friends, but for some reason that didn’t stop you. So there I was, so wrapped up in my self-pity that I didn’t see what was right in front of me.”
“Nate, you’re starting to scare me. What the hell are you talking about?”
“Sydney, I guess what I’m blabbing on about and trying to say is I love you, and have for a long time. I was just too stupid to admit it to myself. And now that I could lose you, I realize just how stupid I’ve been. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t put you in this position. I had my chance and blew it. Forget I said anything.”
Wow. Talk about mind blowing. Silence.
“Syd?”
“Yeah Nate,” I replied, only half listening. I was still trying to digest what he had just told me.




Now what???

 

[Ms_Kat]

It's a nice start. Lots of character interaction and emotional input. Nothing erotic, though.

Basically, it's your story. Get them to where you want them. If you can't transition, you can simply jump ahead with a break in the action. Have her looking up at him while he's slamming into her promising to love her forever and be her slave. Have him go down on her there in the bar. Have her go down on him in the bar.

In short, write what turns you one. When you are turned on, your reader will be, too.


Hugs,



Kat

 

[cantdog]

Dump the first paragraph explaining all that. The conversation does it without that. The only thing left of the first paragraph that isn't covered is the fact that Syd is driving to Charlotte.

Start right out with the conversation, or say, "On the way to Charlotte, the conversation with Nate kept replaying in my mind," or something, and then leap in. But I'd save that, myself, since the conversation, so far, doesn't reference Charlotte.

(edited to add It might actually be cool, as Mrs. Kat (wise wise woman that she always is) suggests, to jump into the sex from there, and bridge the thing later, either really later in the story, or inseted chronologically later inthe writing process. I like the first option, myself, I think Mrs. K has hold of a live one. Hop from here intpo the sex, and for two reasons:

1) You have that clearly in mind, so ytou might as well write it!

2) Keep the reader interested!

cantdog

ps I like your multilayered approach to the conversation. I love hearing her think!

c

 

[Ange1icflowers]

(I'm bumping this cuz i hit a road block. )

 

[minsue]

You might also want to try the story feedback and story discussion forums.

 

[cantdog]

(I'm bumping this cuz i hit a road block. )

Eh quoi?

Speak to me.

PM me..


cantdog

 

[KarenAM]

Advice?

1. Never stop writing. You can always throw the embarassing crap away later.

2. Think through your ending, and write till you get there.

3. Beware the feedback of other writers. They're sometimes helpful, as in issues of grammar, organization, etc., but in giving advice they often tell you how they would do it, not how you should do it. Find and befriend a good reader instead.

4. Stop reading my advice and get back to your writing.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

You don't have a story, you've got a phone conversation. You've got to figure out why she's driving to Charlotte or make her stop the car.

See, you can't start writing a story not knowing where it's going and then complain that you're stuck. That's like getting in the car without knpwing where you're going and then complaining that you're lost. You've got to figure out where you're trying to go.

---dr.M.

 

[snooper]

Advice?

1. Never stop writing. ...

You probably can't anyway!

Writing is more addictive than heroin. There is nothing quite like the kick you get from seeing your first words in a genuinely public domain, be it Lit or on paper or wherever.

On second thoughts, the first time someone asks you to autograph something you wrote is a big kick also.

 

[gauchecritic]

I'll refrain from pointing out that the format you chose (no line breaks) is atrociously difficult to read, especially on screen.

I'll disagree with Karen in the morning. A good editor will point out where difficulties lie and possibly offer suggestions or alternatives and reasons. A reader will tell you what they don't like or where it was boring and not necessarily how to improve or alter.

I'll agree with Mab and say that there isn't anything to be helped with... yet. Phone conversations as flashback don't work for me. But I'll admit a flashback is useful rather than a conversational statement. "Then he said...", "So I said...".

The first paragraph is self contradictory too. Asking herself what she thinks she is doing when she knows that she has set this up from the start by phoning him. Or is this a fascinating peek into women's minds? Being conniving and, yes, deceitful (even to themselves) about motives and means. Now there's an avenue of exploration.

Now what?
The place that you finish is just the end of the flashback (=set up), so now she's still in the car, having driven for 2 of those 4 hours and needs a rest break. The rest stop is obviously going to be populated by lean, clean, virile young men (and women) and in the middle of the gang bang that she gets herself embroiled in (which begins with the fact of her name being shortened to Syd and being teased that she is a boy in drag and feels the need to prove her womanhood by taking on all and sundry, at once) she glances out of the window of the diner and spots her fiance (who has been following her) talking to her best friend (who was driving up to see her )in the parking lot.
These two men mutually discover that they are seeking the same woman and engage in fisticuffs which turns into a cat fight, with the screaming and the hair pulling and the rolling in the dirt until they suddenly begin forcing their tongues down each others throats and other places. And the rest writes itself.

Still stuck?

Gauche