Any advice?

[Submissive42]

Hello all and good evening. I thought I would post my question and see if I can some guidance on what to do, how I should react to what happened to me.
I am fairly new to D/s and recently started to meet with a couple (Male and Female) that I met earlier this year.
I have met with them a couple of times with no play involved and then once with only vanialla play allowed. As they wanted to take it slow with me.
So here is my situation. I have been what people would call butch for many years, short hair, sports bra, boxer wearing gal with no make up and "girly" stuff.
One of the things They started with me was to help me find the female in me. We went shopping for girl clothes and all. So I was summoned to go see them this afternoon and had just gotten off work. So I showered, put on one of the girl shirts, make up on, my nails are done and painted, smell girly, hair not curled as I got out of the shower and left. But it s getting longer per Their orders.
I get down there and first thing is I run Her to store, then I have to go back as She forgot to get something.
When I get back I am told that He is pissed at me as I look too butch and He does not go for butch women. I almost cried on the spot. Here I am in my 30's and have dressed a certain way for years and I am trying to change and have but then was told "I am not trying enough, that I am not putting enough effort into changing."
So basically I was dismissed and told not to come back until I was more feminine looking.
I was told not to get pleasure from myself before coming down and so I was looking forward to something happening and then I was told I was too butch.
I am feeling really numb, really low. I am not sure where I am suppose to go from here.

 

[Corylea]

It doesn't sound to me as if these people want YOU for a submissive. They've got some idea in their minds of what the "right" submissive should be, and they're trying to cram you into that box. And to me, that means that these people are piss-poor dominants who only want to use you. You can do better.

A good dominant wants to know YOU. S/he wants to know all about you, the better to play you like a violin. It is much more interesting for the dominant to take you places that speak to you -- that speak to your hidden desires or secret fears or great longings. A person who demands that you fit into their one-size-fits-all world isn't a dominant -- they're an asshole who's learned that they can get away with being an asshole if they call it dominance.

Not all people who call themselves dominants are one. And not every dominant is a good one.

I can hear from what you've said that these people are bad for you. Dump them, and find yourself a dominant who LIKES butch women.

Take care of yourself out there!

*hug*

 

[Submissive42]

So how should handle this? On my way home, the more I thought about it the more upset I got. I was thinking that they knew what I was like before they expressed interest in me and contacted me to start talking and then meeting. I held nothing back when we first chatted and told them that yes I would like to get into touch with the female inside of me. But I have had this "style" for years and they expect me to look model quality overnight?
I know now in my heart that is not going to work out between us and I am sad. sad for myself that I am losing out on training but also sad for them as they are losing someone who was trying and willing to submit.
So from here where do I go? I know they will contact me, do I "break up" on the phone or do I go and meet with them and explain that this is not for me? And how do I move on? It took me 4 years for me to gather my courage and post an ad stating that I was looking. I just feel like I have done it all wrong and that I not worthy of submitting to anyone. My mind is like jello at the moment, one moment I want to scream in anger and tell them to fuck off then the next I want to grovel on my knees and seek forgiveness. Is this normal? I am just really confused.

 

[bobbyluv]

It doesn't sound to me as if these people want YOU for a submissive. They've got some idea in their minds of what the "right" submissive should be, and they're trying to cram you into that box. And to me, that means that these people are piss-poor dominants who only want to use you. You can do better.

A good dominant wants to know YOU. S/he wants to know all about you, the better to play you like a violin. It is much more interesting for the dominant to take you places that speak to you -- that speak to your hidden desires or secret fears or great longings. A person who demands that you fit into their one-size-fits-all world isn't a dominant -- they're an asshole who's learned that they can get away with being an asshole if they call it dominance.

Not all people who call themselves dominants are one. And not every dominant is a good one.

I can hear from what you've said that these people are bad for you. Dump them, and find yourself a dominant who LIKES butch women.

Take care of yourself out there!

*hug*

Corylea has it spot on...a true dominant would take the time to learn about the submissive who has chosen to submit to them...it's a gift and a responsibility...not a toy to be used and thrown away.

 

[Tawny_Temptress]

That is not dominance! That is abuse! You deserve better!

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I have been what people would call butch for many years, short hair, sports bra, boxer wearing gal with no make up and "girly" stuff.

First of all, unless you're much more lesbian than bi- or hetero-sexual, I wouldn't call you "butch." Tomboyish, perhaps, but not butch. There's not a thing in the world wrong with being comfortable with your body in a way that may not conform with the "ideal" (so-called) feminine person. For others to *describe* you as butch is compartmentalization, stereotyping, and WRONG. One of the most "butch-looking" women I ever knew - a softball- and basketball-playing athlete, just about 6 feet tall, slender (but not skinny) and small-breasted, short-haired and muscular enough to bench over 200 pounds - was at the same time 100% female and 100% feminine... just not "girly." On the other hand, I also knew a gorgeous, petite little blonde gal who always dressed in frilly little things and who looked like just about every man's dreamed-of pedestal-sitter who was as confirmed a lesbian, and the dominant, "masculine" partner in every relationship she ever had. Ever hear that old saw about books and covers? It's damn good advice.

One of the things They started with me was to help me find the female in me. We went shopping for girl clothes and all.

Excuse the crudity, but the female in you is between your legs and slightly north of there (internally). Sounds more to me that they wanted to find some "girly" in you as a contrast to your "not-soft" appearance. Hmmm... change, anyone? Why is it that so many wannabe Dom/mes go out, find themselves someone new to the culture who doesn't fit their preconceived notion of perfection, and then try to freakin' change that person into someone they're not??? Aaaarrrrgggghhhhhhhh!!!!

And then they don't understand why these relationships don't last. They try so hard! <Sigh>

When I get back I am told that He is pissed at me as I look too butch and He does not go for butch women. I almost cried on the spot. Here I am in my 30's and have dressed a certain way for years and I am trying to change and have but then was told "I am not trying enough, that I am not putting enough effort into changing." So basically I was dismissed and told not to come back until I was more feminine looking.

Sorry, darlin'... about all I can say about this is "Thank your lucky stars he/they decided to dismiss you NOW, rather than after you spent months, years even, trying to change into someone else's fantasy persona."

FFS, if you're going to change your persona, change it because YOU want to change it, and change it *to* a persona YOU want to have. Trust me... there is someone - probably hundreds, nay thousands of someones - out there for whom either your present persona or the one *you* decide to change to, for *your* reasons, is their ideal - or close enough to it for government work.

I am not sure where I am suppose to go from here.

Home. Curl up in your favorite boxers and a t-shirt with a glass of wine or *a* mixed drink and a good book/movie/anything that can take your mind away from *you* for a couple/few hours. Then get a good night's sleep. Then, when you have an uninterrupted couple hours to think, sit down with a few sheets of paper and write down all the things you like about yourself and the way you "present" yourself - and remember that "comfort," both physical and mental/emotional is very much one of those things. Write down the things you *don't* like. Then, let both of those lists (betcha the second one's a lot shorter than the first, if you're honest with yourself!) percolate in your brain for a few days or a week. You can even add things to either side during the percolation period.

After the percolation (germination?) period, sit down again for another uninterrupted stretch, and write down which qualities that make you up (your "presentation") that you'd like to change, for YOUR comfort and belief in yourself as a person - and WHY. See if there are many. See if any of them are really major. If so, dig down deeper and make sure that *you* want to change that quality for *yourself,* not because it fits an image that you think others want to perceive.

It doesn't sound to me as if these people want YOU for a submissive. They've got some idea in their minds of what the "right" submissive should be, and they're trying to cram you into that box. And to me, that means that these people are piss-poor dominants who only want to use you. You can do better.

A good dominant wants to know YOU. S/he wants to know all about you, the better to play you like a violin. It is much more interesting for the dominant to take you places that speak to you -- that speak to your hidden desires or secret fears or great longings. A person who demands that you fit into their one-size-fits-all world isn't a dominant -- they're an asshole who's learned that they can get away with being an asshole if they call it dominance.

Not all people who call themselves dominants are one. And not every dominant is a good one.

I can hear from what you've said that these people are bad for you. Dump them, and find yourself a dominant who LIKES butch women.

Take care of yourself out there!

*hug*

Corylea is spot on. Listen to what she said up there, and consider yourself, the "true" you, as the center of the universe. You can be that for someone. It may take a while to find him/her/them, or for him/her/them to find you, but as some wise guy once said, "To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man." To be true to yourself to and for others is probably about the greatest compliment you can pay another person.

BTW, you can consider this place - ratty and drafty as it may sometimes be - your second home. There are a lot of good, good people here, with between them, hundreds and hundreds of years of experience in this culture, and hundreds and hundreds of years of experience in life... and a really neat thing about that is that they're mostly willing to share that experience, and to help you gain yours with perhaps a couple bruises or broken hearts fewer than you might otherwise suffer. Welcome.

 

[Mistress_Belladonna]

Dearest girl! You are having the same response as most that come to the end of a relationship like this. It's ok. You aren't worthless, you are a lovely and wonderful sub who needs to find the right couple. It takes time and may not happen right away, but it's a learning experience and when you meet the next couple, you will have more insight into what YOU want and how to maybe read through any BS some may throw at you. And the next couple might be perfect for you, sweetheart!

Look to your needs. I wouldn't put yourself in their hands anymore. Keep yourself emotionally safe, since it doesn't sound like they are going to look out for you. Do it from a distance, by email or phone, but be firm... It's probably harder since it's not what you want to be.

Did they give you any way in which to sever the relationship? If so, use it. And don't let them talk you into going back. Just advertise and try again, as hard as it is. We're pulling for you, sweetie! *hugs*

 

[Mistress_Belladonna]

FFS, if you're going to change your persona, change it because YOU want to change it, and change it *to* a persona YOU want to have. Trust me... there is someone - probably hundreds, nay thousands of someones - out there for whom either your present persona or the one *you* decide to change to, for *your* reasons, is their ideal - or close enough to it for government work.

Home. Curl up in your favorite boxers and a t-shirt with a glass of wine or *a* mixed drink and a good book/movie/anything that can take your mind away from *you* for a couple/few hours. Then get a good night's sleep. Then, when you have an uninterrupted couple hours to think, sit down with a few sheets of paper and write down all the things you like about yourself and the way you "present" yourself - and remember that "comfort," both physical and mental/emotional is very much one of those things. Write down the things you *don't* like. Then, let both of those lists (betcha the second one's a lot shorter than the first, if you're honest with yourself!) percolate in your brain for a few days or a week. You can even add things to either side during the percolation period.

After the percolation (germination?) period, sit down again for another uninterrupted stretch, and write down which qualities that make you up (your "presentation") that you'd like to change, for YOUR comfort and belief in yourself as a person - and WHY. See if there are many. See if any of them are really major. If so, dig down deeper and make sure that *you* want to change that quality for *yourself,* not because it fits an image that you think others want to perceive.


Corylea is spot on. Listen to what she said up there, and consider yourself, the "true" you, as the center of the universe. You can be that for someone. It may take a while to find him/her/them, or for him/her/them to find you, but as some wise guy once said, "To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man." To be true to yourself to and for others is probably about the greatest compliment you can pay another person.

BTW, you can consider this place - ratty and drafty as it may sometimes be - your second home. There are a lot of good, good people here, with between them, hundreds and hundreds of years of experience in this culture, and hundreds and hundreds of years of experience in life... and a really neat thing about that is that they're mostly willing to share that experience, and to help you gain yours with perhaps a couple bruises or broken hearts fewer than you might otherwise suffer. Welcome.

Hear, hear, Sir_Winston!

 

[LilNola]

I think that someone should only go as far as he or she feels comfortable and as soon as that line is crossed, you should stop but that's just my own opinion.

 

[Bandit58]

I'm 50 years old and have never been what one would call "feminine".
I cut my hair short when I was 17, it is a bit longer now because Sir prefers it but still short
I don't wear dresses or skirts much - I am more comfortable in jeans or trackies in winter and shorts in summer. I do wear more girly tops though. But I just cannot wear heels for any length of time
I don't wear make-up apart from a bit of moisturiser and I've been told I look at least 5 years younger than I really am.

And I hate shopping!

Sir has never tried to change me. Well, that's not entirely true, He has said He'd like it if I wore skirts or dresses more, but hasn't forced the issue. He loves me for myself, and I also love Him for Him, He has said I am the first woman who has never tried to change Him

Submissive42, if you have been dressing and looking the way you do for years, it's not going to change overnight - hair just doesn't grow that fast for a start. Did you express an interest in becoming more fem looking, or did your Dominants decide this was how it was going to be? It sounds like you are the square peg trying to fit into their idea of a round hole, and it isn't working for either party. YOU have done nothing wrong, I MUST stress that. They have turned out to be wrong for you, and this happens in all walks of life not just BDSM.

Read Sir_W's post, and then read it again. He is right on the money

 

[groove_kid]

Hello all and good evening. I thought I would post my question and see if I can some guidance on what to do, how I should react to what happened to me.
I am fairly new to D/s and recently started to meet with a couple (Male and Female) that I met earlier this year.
I have met with them a couple of times with no play involved and then once with only vanialla play allowed. As they wanted to take it slow with me.
So here is my situation. I have been what people would call butch for many years, short hair, sports bra, boxer wearing gal with no make up and "girly" stuff.
One of the things They started with me was to help me find the female in me. We went shopping for girl clothes and all. So I was summoned to go see them this afternoon and had just gotten off work. So I showered, put on one of the girl shirts, make up on, my nails are done and painted, smell girly, hair not curled as I got out of the shower and left. But it s getting longer per Their orders.
I get down there and first thing is I run Her to store, then I have to go back as She forgot to get something.
When I get back I am told that He is pissed at me as I look too butch and He does not go for butch women. I almost cried on the spot. Here I am in my 30's and have dressed a certain way for years and I am trying to change and have but then was told "I am not trying enough, that I am not putting enough effort into changing."
So basically I was dismissed and told not to come back until I was more feminine looking.
I was told not to get pleasure from myself before coming down and so I was looking forward to something happening and then I was told I was too butch.
I am feeling really numb, really low. I am not sure where I am suppose to go from here.

I'd take it easy babe and just chill.
Don't let these people get to you.

 

[Corylea]

So from here where do I go? I know they will contact me, do I "break up" on the phone or do I go and meet with them and explain that this is not for me?

You do whichever is better for you. For YOU, not for them. They've behaved badly, in my opinion, and you owe them nothing. If it would be easier to break it off on the phone, do that. If you want to see their faces when you tell them that they aren't good enough for you, then do that -- but it's time to take care of yourself here.


People often think that everything they know about relationships goes out the window when they do D/S. It doesn't. A D/S relationship is still a relationship first. And like all relationships, the ones that last are usually the ones that start slowly -- get to know someone and make friends with them before you submit to them. If you're giving someone your self, then you need to know them well enough to know that they're worthy of it and that they won't break or tarnish that self that you give them. The very best dominants will strengthen and polish it, instead.

I just feel like I have done it all wrong and that I not worthy of submitting to anyone. My mind is like jello at the moment, one moment I want to scream in anger and tell them to fuck off then the next I want to grovel on my knees and seek forgiveness. Is this normal? I am just really confused.

YOU aren't the one who's not worthy here -- the people who aren't worthy are the people who treated you so badly. As for wanting to tell them to fuck off one minute and wanting to ask them to take you back the next ... aren't break-ups often like that? It takes awhile to wrap one's mind around the fact that the person one thought was close and important turned out to be a jerk, and the mind and emotions tend to ping-pong between the two points of view. It's painful and confusing, all right, but that doesn't make it abnormal.

A friend recently ended our friendship abruptly -- very abruptly -- and one minute I want to tell him that he's a selfish psycho bastard, and the next minute I want to tell him that I love him, I understand that he's been having a hard time recently, and we're good together. And that's just friendship ... given how important your very first foray into D/S was, I'd say you're doing pretty well.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Hello all and good evening. I thought I would post my question and see if I can some guidance on what to do, how I should react to what happened to me.
I am fairly new to D/s and recently started to meet with a couple (Male and Female) that I met earlier this year.
I have met with them a couple of times with no play involved and then once with only vanialla play allowed. As they wanted to take it slow with me.
So here is my situation. I have been what people would call butch for many years, short hair, sports bra, boxer wearing gal with no make up and "girly" stuff.
One of the things They started with me was to help me find the female in me. We went shopping for girl clothes and all. So I was summoned to go see them this afternoon and had just gotten off work. So I showered, put on one of the girl shirts, make up on, my nails are done and painted, smell girly, hair not curled as I got out of the shower and left. But it s getting longer per Their orders.
I get down there and first thing is I run Her to store, then I have to go back as She forgot to get something.
When I get back I am told that He is pissed at me as I look too butch and He does not go for butch women. I almost cried on the spot. Here I am in my 30's and have dressed a certain way for years and I am trying to change and have but then was told "I am not trying enough, that I am not putting enough effort into changing."
So basically I was dismissed and told not to come back until I was more feminine looking.
I was told not to get pleasure from myself before coming down and so I was looking forward to something happening and then I was told I was too butch.
I am feeling really numb, really low. I am not sure where I am suppose to go from here.

I also agree with Corylea's post. People who identify as 'dominant' can forget that a submissive person seeks dominance because of their own deep seated needs. Your needs and your happiness are just as important as theirs but it's glaringly apparent that this couple don't hold that view. I know you have had difficulties taking the steps into the lifestyle but that doesn't mean you should settle for these guys.

Just from reading your two posts here I can see that you lack confidence and self esteem. For this couple to insist you metemorphosize your image and then criticise and dismiss you despite the effort you've made, knowing that you lack confidence and self esteem is just terrible. You should not be beating yourself up about this. You should quite rightly be angry and disappointed in them. You put yourself in a position of submission, trust and emotional vulnerability for these people and they have absolutely no appreciation for that. This relationship is damaging you emotionally and eroding your self worth even further. You're not growing as a person, you're diminishing so that you can fit in their box marked 'girly sub.' What are you truly gaining from any of this? I think their influence is corrosive and abusive and that you can do so much better.

So how should handle this? On my way home, the more I thought about it the more upset I got. I was thinking that they knew what I was like before they expressed interest in me and contacted me to start talking and then meeting. I held nothing back when we first chatted and told them that yes I would like to get into touch with the female inside of me. But I have had this "style" for years and they expect me to look model quality overnight?
I know now in my heart that is not going to work out between us and I am sad. sad for myself that I am losing out on training but also sad for them as they are losing someone who was trying and willing to submit.

Yes they are and it serves them right. In my opinion, staying with these people will just reinforce their view that their style of 'dominance' is perfectly reasonable. They may very well need this wake-up call in order to realise that their behaviour is mean spirited and abusive and they they have betrayed the position of trust that you put them in. Submissive does not equal emotional masochist and it doesn't equal doormat.

I feel so sad for you, knowing that this is your first foray into the lifestyle and you have been treated so poorly. I can absolutely assure you that D/s is not supposed to be like this. It's not supposed to make you feel the way you're feeling. When it's done right, with love, trust, mutual respect and with both parties' desires and needs in mind it is a beautiful and wonderful thing that is incredibly liberating and fulfilling. Don't settle for these guys, don't let them pull you back into their little vortex of chaos, I beg of you.

So from here where do I go? I know they will contact me, do I "break up" on the phone or do I go and meet with them and explain that this is not for me? And how do I move on? It took me 4 years for me to gather my courage and post an ad stating that I was looking. I just feel like I have done it all wrong and that I not worthy of submitting to anyone. My mind is like jello at the moment, one moment I want to scream in anger and tell them to fuck off then the next I want to grovel on my knees and seek forgiveness. Is this normal? I am just really confused.

You're wrong. Absolutely and completely incorrect.

You went into this in good faith and you have tried to serve these people as best you can. They are the ones trying to turn you into a person that you're really not, while pissing over the effort you've made and then dismissing you out of hand. I think that treating you like a yo-yo like this, reeling you in and then dumping you for some trivial misdemeanour, is cruel and abusive in the extreme. That's not constructive discipline, it's blatant mindfuckery and grossly unfair. They have set you a task that they know you will find challenging and that will affect your self image and self esteem and they have offered you no support whatsoever in making that transition. That's like handing someone who has never driven a set of keys and saying 'don't come back until you're ready to pass your test.' They've set you a task you can't achieve overnight. How is it reasonable or constructive of them to dismiss you when - lo and behold - you don't achieve it overnight. They've set you up to fail. Possibly deliberately and probably to humiliate you but it's clearly not something you want, need or are able to handle healthily in a D/s dynamic. Whatever they thought they were doing, they fucked it up royally and gave you no credit for trying to obey them anyway.

They are not worthy of your submission. You are simply too good for them.

I really do think you need these people and their damaging influence out of your life. Sit down and write down all the things you were seeking for yourself before you met them, all the things you hoped to do and to feel. I'll bet if you tick off the things on the list that you have genuinely achieved with that couple you'll still have a really long list left.

If anybody else hooked up with partner(s) on a date and then stuck with them even when they were abusive and unreasonable you'd tell them to run a mile, wouldn't you? What manner of craziness is telling you that because this didn't work out, you don't deserve to submit to anyone? People discover they're not compatible or meeting each other's needs every day. It takes self assurance and maturity to say 'this isn't going to work, so I'm moving on.' Don't let these people make you feel like a failure. It always takes more than one person to fail a relationship and the fact that you're critical of your submission and are prepared to ask yourself whether you failed shows a maturity that this couple simply don't appear to have.

Run like the wind. Cut yourself off from these people and take a little time out to heal and learn and grow. Then get back in the game and start chatting to potential dom/mes with a deeper understanding of what you need in order to be a happy, contented, fulfilled sub. You are a beautiful, valuable, lovable potential submissive exactly as you are.

Next time around, find the person who says 'you're perfect for me' and works with what you've got and who you are, playing to your strengths and building your self esteem and confidence as a submissive. Don't let yourself be bullied or made to feel inadequate.

After all, 'nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.'

Stop consenting.

and have a great big HUG from me.

 

[sexycaz22]

Hi Submissive42, now while I have never walked in your shoes about going into a D/s relationship with a couple who have had high exceptions, I do understand where you are coming from.

Let me explain, this is about appearances and personality. For years, ever since I was a young girl, I was (and still) a tomboyish, with jeans, shirts, and occasionally I used to love to dress up as a guy, with a suit and a tie and everything! Until I became an adult aged 22 years old, and here I was, very behind the fashion, and not dressing what I 'should' be. One of my good friends have tried to force on me, to change me into a 'girly' appearance and I begun to have doubts about myself, and whether if I should be more 'girly' and whether if I should change myself completely.

After a few months of self-doubting, I begun to realise that I was truly happy with myself, my personality and some parts of my appearance, and guess what? As soon as I came to terms with my personality, my appearance begun to change over time, and I was becoming a bit more 'girly' but still a tomboy at heart. It takes time, and more time, and looking into yourself, and deciding within yourself, whether if you are truly happy with yourself or not. Do not allow other people tell you what you should be like, what you should be wearing etc.

As for this couple, it sounds like that they don't care who you are inside, more that they wanted to have a submissive which fits into their 'box' of what they think a submissive should be like. Do not ever put yourself down, girl!

Sir Winston is right on the nose, dear, read that post again and again.

Good luck

 

[Submissive42]

Good morning and first thanks to all for replies. There are a lot of them and so I need to reread them and then digest.
I was correct and they have tried to contact me. Here is some of the things from the email this morning.

You need to understand that although you have been trying and you looked very nice with the makeup and the nails your jeans just through us off....
I am a girly girl and I like girly girls.....well close to it anyway.
That is what I was trying to accomplish with you.
But, you need to understand that it has been months since we have started this and we haven't seen any real progress in your attitude, you still walk and have that butch persona.
I can't dominate a woman who I am almost unsure that I can control.....

 

[Submissive42]

And by the way, they are not members of lit and do not even know I have joined.

 

[Tawny_Temptress]

Good morning and first thanks to all for replies. There are a lot of them and so I need to reread them and then digest.
I was correct and they have tried to contact me. Here is some of the things from the email this morning.

You need to understand that although you have been trying and you looked very nice with the makeup and the nails your jeans just through us off....
I am a girly girl and I like girly girls.....well close to it anyway.
That is what I was trying to accomplish with you.
But, you need to understand that it has been months since we have started this and we haven't seen any real progress in your attitude, you still walk and have that butch persona.
I can't dominate a woman who I am almost unsure that I can control.....

See the insecurity? The insults to you are about them, not you!

 

[ZRT]

See the insecurity? The insults to you are about them, not you!

Bingo.

There's been plenty of good advice in this thread. I especially believe in Corylea's statement about a dom accepting all of a sub, and not some fantasy image of what they want to make a sub into.

The lesson from this is communication- get to know your prospective doms before offering your submission. Establish your boundaries, learn what they expect, and seriously think it over before going in.

I'd extend Winston's advice a bit- take your time, hang around here, go to munches, learn the kink before diving in. If you're willing to wade through the muck, you could even go for some online training, just to get a better feel for what you're doing.

Everybody's got their different approaches. When I take on a sub, she's there to get beaten up, not broken down. That's a pretty key difference.

 

[BiBunny]

I was always a Daddy's girl myself. I've always preferred less feminine pursuits--cars, horses, etc. I'm definitely a tomboy, but that's not to say I can't dress up and look nice when I want to or when a certain occasion calls for it. It's just that, normally, I prefer to wear jeans and t-shirts and flip-flops with no makeup and my hair in a ponytail.

I, too, am in a relationship with a couple, where they're both dominants, and I'm the submissive one. Most of the time, I'm comfortable in my own skin, but there have been times in my that I've been plagued with insecurities about my lack of girly-ness and embarrassment about my lack of femininity. Mistress, on the other hand, is extremely feminine and good at things that women SHOULD be good at. I normally feel like an awkward twit around her.

Recently, Master and Mistress expressed a desire for me to change the way I look some. It kind of irritated me, but I let it go. It ate at me for awhile until I could feel resentment building every time something was mentioned. I let it go on much too long without saying anything, and then I finally lost my temper about it one day. I told them how upset I was, how I wondered, if they wanted to change everything about me, why they even wanted me in the first place, and so on.

You can imagine how much of an asshole I felt like when Mistress, nearly in tears, said, "Baby, we're doing this because we thought it was what you wanted."

Now, that's not to say that your couple doesn't sound like jackasses because they do. Even if there's more going on than meets the eye here, they could've handled it much, much better. (Tact, anyone?) But it just makes me bristle when people throw out the "abuse" word so easily.

 

[JMohegan]

It doesn't sound to me as if these people want YOU for a submissive. They've got some idea in their minds of what the "right" submissive should be, and they're trying to cram you into that box. And to me, that means that these people are piss-poor dominants who only want to use you. You can do better.

A good dominant wants to know YOU. S/he wants to know all about you, the better to play you like a violin. It is much more interesting for the dominant to take you places that speak to you -- that speak to your hidden desires or secret fears or great longings. A person who demands that you fit into their one-size-fits-all world isn't a dominant -- they're an asshole who's learned that they can get away with being an asshole if they call it dominance.

Not all people who call themselves dominants are one. And not every dominant is a good one.

I can hear from what you've said that these people are bad for you. Dump them, and find yourself a dominant who LIKES butch women.

Take care of yourself out there!

*hug*

I agree with your first sentence, but would add that it doesn't sound as if the OP wanted these people, as individuals, either.

I disagree with the idea that the couple in question are necessarily bad Dominants, or even non-Dominant. If they get off on control, that makes them D-types in my book. And there are surely s-types who would welcome the type of treatment described here.

To the OP - my advice is to avoid the temptation to seek "training" from someone, simply because he/she IDs as Dominant. Look for someone you know and respect as an individual instead.

 

[JMohegan]

But it just makes me bristle when people throw out the "abuse" word so easily.

Yup.

And the charge that the couple in question are not "true" Dominants is just as specious as would be the charge that failure to follow their instructions makes someone a non-sub.

 

[Keroin]

Have you ever been in love with someone who loved you back? Remember how it felt in the beginning? The slow awakening, the subtle clues, the absolute joy of crossing the threshold from friendship to romance. We don’t negotiate our way into love, we fall.

If I have an issue with the BDSM lifestyle, it is that I see so many people trying to force it. A D/s relationship, when done properly, should be no different than falling in love. Both sides should feel swept up in that heady cocktail of discovery and chemical attraction.

I’d stay vanilla for a hundred years rather than submit to someone whose heart does not pole vault at the sight of me and vice versa.

I know there are folks who just need a kink satisfied but that is not the feeling I get from the OP. Think of your time with this couple as “dating”. We date to learn if we’re compatible. If we’re not, we end it. No need to feel angry – that just hurts you. No need to feel bad about yourself. Learn from the experience and carry that with you on your next “date”.

I may be wrong but I doubt many people here, or anywhere, found love on the very first date of their life. Why should a first D/s relationship be any different? Keep trying. When Edison was asked about his 10,000 failed experiments, when he was trying to invent the light bulb, he replied, “I have not failed, I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.”

People forget that learning what doesn’t work is just as valuable as learning what does work. Part of the reason I have a relationship that works is that I’ve had many, many more that didn’t. Learn then move on.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Now, that's not to say that your couple doesn't sound like jackasses because they do. Even if there's more going on than meets the eye here, they could've handled it much, much better. (Tact, anyone?) But it just makes me bristle when people throw out the "abuse" word so easily.

I understand where you're coming from and I agree that 'abuse' is a very strong word. However, based on the evidence at hand, the 'dom' couple in question have set a hard task for the OP and then pissed on her effort and dismissed her. The timeframe is a factor but its not an excuse IMHO. It was the OP's first foray into BDSM and it was a very difficult task for her on a personal level. As dominant parties in a dynamic, they should have worked with that and accepted she was making an effort or cut her loose on good terms because she didn't reach their target within their timeframe.

Reading the OP, they abused their position of trust, capitalized on the OP's lack of BDSM experienced and caused her emotional/psychological harm as a result. That's abuse however you cut it.

I accept there are 2 sides to every story but here on the forum we can only ever work with what we're told. The OP sounded sincere to me.

 

[BiBunny]

I understand where you're coming from and I agree that 'abuse' is a very strong word. However, based on the evidence at hand, the 'dom' couple in question have set a hard task for the OP and then pissed on her effort and dismissed her. The timeframe is a factor but its not an excuse IMHO. It was the OP's first foray into BDSM and it was a very difficult task for her on a personal level. As dominant parties in a dynamic, they should have worked with that and accepted she was making an effort or cut her loose on good terms because she didn't reach their target within their timeframe.

Reading the OP, they abused their position of trust, capitalized on the OP's lack of BDSM experienced and caused her emotional/psychological harm as a result. That's abuse however you cut it.

I accept there are 2 sides to every story but here on the forum we can only ever work with what we're told. The OP sounded sincere to me.

Oh, I agree that they were idiots. I agree 100%. And I actually didn't mean to sound as if I were denigrating the OP.

But I just twitch when the knee-jerk response here to Dom/mes not fulfilling a sub's every single desire is "ABUSE!" And that's what the response often is, deserved or not. Just 'cause someone doesn't get his/her way every single time doesn't mean the Dom/me(s) in question are the big, bad wolf, so to speak.

I mean, my dominants tried to change me, too, and it caused me to be resentful. Admittedly, they handled it much better than the OP's Dom/mes did, but it was far from abusive. Most of the issue there was in my own mind.

I feel bad for what the OP is going through, but I also think that it was more of a ham-handed attempt by insecure dominants at what some people fantasize about and call "training" than anything else. I could be wrong, though.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

....a ham-handed attempt by insecure dominants at what some people fantasize about and call "training" than anything else.

Perzackly.