another story

G

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Guest
WINTER IN MA

Gail and I met in a grocery store in one of the harshest northeast winters. It was bitter cold and the ice took down power lines. My car broke down and I waited for some kind soul to give me a lift. Well, the helpful stranger was Gail. She was a chubby girl, age 18, with dazzling blue eyes and brown hair tied in a ponytail. I told her she could drop me off at my place but the heat wasn’t on. I thanked her. Something kept me there, staring at her smiling. She smiled and said “get back in, my place has heat”.
I helped her with her groceries. She started the fireplace and prepared hot toddies. We sat under a blanket watching the flames shift. I was starting to feel prickly heat so I took off my sweater. She offered me some clam chowder. This was cozy. I gazed at her beautiful face and she must’ve read my mind. “Kiss me if you want” she said. I gave her a small peck on the cheek.
“You can do better than that I’m sure”. I kissed her again, this time giving her tongue. “That’s more like it. After all, I rescued you from the cold” she replied. I smiled and kissed her hand.
Gail put more wood in the fire and cooked us dinner. It was 4:00 and dark already. If I was alone, this day would’ve been depressing. She made sirloin beef stew with spices. It had been a long time since a woman cooked for me. “I want to show my appreciation for making this meal” I commented. “After dinner” was her reply. We laughed and talked about what we like to do.
She told me to wait on the couch near the fire while she put on mood music. She swayed to the music and winked at me. My BBW sat down and unbuttoned my jeans. “Lets steam up the windows” Gail whispered. She slid out of her frilly red panties and told me to feel her pussy.
I buried one finger in and her hole felt so hot. My sweetheart was dripping with anticipation. “Show me how grateful you are” she demanded in a hushed tone. She climbed onto me and took the whole length of my prick in her chubby fuckhole. I held onto her thick waist and thrust deep into her, filling her twat with my meat. She looked at me and said “you feel big inside of me. Fuck me hard and don’t stop ‘til I cum”.
I fucked Gail hard, both of us sweating and moaning. Her cum ran down my rod and onto my pubes. I gripped her plentiful breasts and squeezed her huge nipples, licking them and sucking hard.

*still working on the ending
 
Well, I wouldn't work too hard on the ending.

All I can say is your story did nothing for me. My feelings are that a story is a lot more than telling what happened. It has depth, it has richness, it has rhythm, insight, emotion, and a whole bunch of other things that this doesn't. This isn't a story so much as it is a report.

Sorry, but that's how I feel.


---dr.M.
 
dr mabuse, you have no imagination thats why you didnt like it.
Anyone else?
 
I liked it, but you do have room for improvement.

You did a good job setting up the scene and also with your descriptions.

Your dialog was pretty good too. Very cute in places, however it didn't flow very well. You probably could stand to read what they say to one another out loud and work at it until it flows a little better.

Also, add some carriage returns. More white space means it will be easier to read. The less mental work I have to do figuring out who is saying what, the more I can concentrate on your story.

Get inside the main characters head just a little more. What were you thinking etc? You're writing a first person story. When I read it, I should be magically transported into De Sade land.

All these things I'm saying fall into the "Edit-edit-edit" category. It's the not so fun part of writing. The draft is fun. The edit is hard work.
 
That is a very promising outline, if you can fill in the gaps, that is, introduce a little anticipation and/or tension tell us about the characters feelings and a tad more salubrious description then you will have a very good story on your hands. Also, everything Couture said.

Gauche
 
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