Another Request for Feedback on a Newbies First Story

[race_1962]

I just placed a story this week on Lit and would love to hear what you think of it.

It is titled "Trapped - Part 1" and is in the Loving Wives category.

Thanks in advance for looking at my story.

Race

 

[Guest]

The Link

Hey, just to be helpful, here is the link:

Trapped- Pt. 1

b

 

[Guest]

A good start...

Race-

Let me preface this with a disclaimer that this isn't 'my' type of story. There is a lot of 'hot' factor that is attached to reading something that is your fantasy... this wouldn't be it for me.

I think that you have a first draft of your story here... there were tense problems, sentence fragments and lots of extra wods that re-writes would weed out. I would encourage you to put it away for a bit and then read it again... things will jump out at you. Also, having someone else read it helps enormously.

There are several cliches that you could have handled a little better: black man's big cock, sexually naive wife begging 'for it', and the black brother being named Tyrone...

As I said to begin with, this is not my cup of tea, but you do add some twists with the internet and cameras that others might really like.

Keep writing and re-writing...

b

 

[Pookie]

Let me also preface this with the same disclaimer Bridget made. This story is not the type I typically enjoy reading.

I also noticed problems with the tense problems and sentence fragments.

The cliches really hurt the story in my opinion. I believe the story could be just as hot, but fresher if you stay away from the black/white cliches. They are so overdone by other stories that it makes a new story like yours seem like something that has been done a million times.

I would recommend shorter paragraphs as well. I would start new paragraphs when the dialogue occurs. Also, whenever the speaker changes in a dialogue, start a new paragraph. This will make it easier to read and follow. Like this:

Then she regains her courage and weakly protests.

“I will have nothing to do with this and if you even think of trying anything I’ll scream“.

Deborah then removes Bruce's jeans from the camera and asks "Well would you be interested in watching some "home videos"?”

Jill's face turns white as the camcorder is exposed with the record light still on.

---------------

I really think this story should be in the interracial category too. I suspect chapter two would definitely need to be there.

I strongly recommend finding an editor as well to clean up things for you. A good editor is a writers best friend. Keep working at it!

Pookie

 

[race_1962]

Thanks for the advise, I really appreciate it.

Otherwise, I was quite pleased with the response that I received from the reader's out there. I have received 7 positive emails on it and one goofy reply. Is this a good response or a weak one?

Race

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Hi, race!

So you finally posted it.

You already know what I thought of the story, from that loooong review I sent you, and most of it still stands. It's noticeable that you tried to correct some of the things I mentioned, but you did it topically, not really thinking about the effect of those things in the whole, and introducing solutions even more clichéd . The result is it still reads a lot like the first draft -- marginally better, yes, but still in need of a lot of work...

 

[Skystone]

There is not much left to say...

that the ladies didn't already cover
I just want to say that i may have enjoyed it more if it wasn't so um "setup"

Skystone

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Excuse me, but how can you possibly expect anyone to read a story that begins with this sentence:

"Before last summer, Jill and Dan was [sic] a typical married couple living in the Midwest."

I mean, really! That's like starting out a love song with a big, wet fart.

---dr.M.