Another question.. haha :)

[Black Tulip]

Oh, I see.

“Have you any identification, sir?”

His smirk puzzled me but I handed my wallet to the Sergeant. He looked at me as if I was trying to hoax him.

“You are Paul Smith,” he announced flatly. “I knew that when you walked in. You don’t?”

Feel free to kick me for messing with your story.

 

[cantdog]

That's why I asked about the limit. There are some clues in the others' reactions that he is an important figure, but somewhat fewer than I thought might have been put in. Editing for strict limits would have explained why they were so sparse, if you follow me.

I assumed you'd have been more thorough if you could, especially since you'd done some things like that. I am gratified to find that it was not your fault, and that you'd done a workmanlike job in the original piece.

Unfortunately, most of the time one is published in commercial media, especially magazines, one does end up editing to a strict word length criterion.

Which can make a piece seem truncated or hurried or even disjointed, if you have to shorten it too much, but editors will edit, won't they?

Oliver Sacks wrote The Man Who Tasted Shapes. His stuff is indeed accessible and fascinating.

cantdog

 

[raphy]

I'd say it's probably not possible to not recognise yourself in the mirror, from a photograph perhaps, but not likely if you 'know' what a mirror does.

So while ever you know what a mirror does, then you know who the person on the other side must be and can see that it corresponds with your self-image.

I think that the salient point here is - What if you don't have any recollection of your self-image? You know what a mirror does, and so you're expecting to see yourself, surely. Except that you don't know what 'yourself' looks like.

Obviously, it's very difficult for us, who've never been amnesiacs, to hold any kind of informed 'discussion' on this, but this got me thinking.

Self-image. Is that memory-based? I know what I look like. I know what I expect to see when I look in the mirror, because I am aware of what a mirror does. I know that I have oriental features, that I have slanted eyes, and long, slightly wavy black hair, etc etc.

Now, that means that when I look into a mirror, I know what I'm expecting to see look back at me.

My protagonist is an amnesiac. She's aware that she has no memory earlier than the time she woke up in the hospital bed.

Until she looks in the mirror, it had not yet occured to her that one of the things that she has forgotten is what she looks like. If someone was to ask her - What color are your eyes? - She would not be able to answer.

She knows what a mirror does, but she hasn't had cause to think about the fact that she's forgotten what she looks like until she first sees herself in one.

It's a bit of a shock for her, and basically she goes through a 'Is that my face? It's a mirror, so it must be my face. So that's what I look like' kind of routine.

 

[raphy]

nasty double post..

 

[raphy]

Even nastier triple post.

 

[cantdog]

A few more posts and we can start laying in the sills!

god am I clever.

I don't mind that idea. If you just introduced the character you get to work in your first description without belaboring it, too.

Cantdog

 

[gauchecritic]

Yeah, I sort of touched on that Raph when I couldn't decide if my first thought was true.

Knowing what a mirror does, and knowing what a face looks like aren't exactly enough for you to remember what you look like.

I said later that it seems you do actually fill in the small details from memory once you see yourself.

So that would fit in with the 'surely that's not me' reaction.

I'm not going to say how you should write anything but the first reaction that I picture is using touch to try and confirm with her fingers what is apparent to her sight.

I think what I was trying to say was that the knowledge of what a mirror does isn't a guarantee of recognising who is in the mirror.

Gauche

 

[Black Tulip]

Um, small contribution.

If you change your outlook, you do not exactly know what to expect when looking into the mirror. You cannot fill in the gaps from memory.
It's very weird and it can happen if you change your hair drastically. Other style and other color. Same happens when you get a pair of glasses that are very different. That even takes more time to get used to than a change in hairstyle.

 

[oggbashan]

Oh, I see.

“Have you any identification, sir?”

His smirk puzzled me but I handed my wallet... Feel free to kick me for messing with your story.

My creative writing class agreed with you.

Apart from that they thought I should have written it as a much longer story with more incidents caused by the loss of memory.

Overall verdict was 'Nice try but...'

Og

 

[raphy]

A few more posts and we can start laying in the sills!

god am I clever.

I don't mind that idea. If you just introduced the character you get to work in your first description without belaboring it, too.

Cantdog

Indeed

And I absolutely *hate* having to do the physical description of my protagonist/narrator. This worked out well, much less contrived.

 

[raphy]

Yeah, I sort of touched on that Raph when I couldn't decide if my first thought was true.

Knowing what a mirror does, and knowing what a face looks like aren't exactly enough for you to remember what you look like.

I said later that it seems you do actually fill in the small details from memory once you see yourself.

So that would fit in with the 'surely that's not me' reaction.

I'm not going to say how you should write anything but the first reaction that I picture is using touch to try and confirm with her fingers what is apparent to her sight.

I think what I was trying to say was that the knowledge of what a mirror does isn't a guarantee of recognising who is in the mirror.

Gauche

Aaah, yes. I think I jumped on your first statement and mistakenly thought the rest of it was trying to support that statement - And then I couldn't figure out why it sounded contradictory with other parts of your post.

I had the same impression as you, actually.. In my 'cinematic' writing, I can very clearly picture the scene as she turns to face the mirror (The other thing is, she isn't even really thinking about the mirror being there), eyes wide open with shock, her hand lifting to touch her face, trace its contours, etc etc..

 

[raphy]

Well, this is kinda what I came up with - I think it still bears rewriting. There's definitely parts that don't have my 'feel' to them, but as first drafts go, it's not too bad.

Inside, it was dark. Unei had to strain her eyes to peer through the gloom. The dim light didn’t seem to bother Kristen any though. Someone had tried to whitewash the walls, and a pair of halogen strips ran across the ceiling like imitation train tracks, but they didn’t seem to help much.

“What are we doing here?” she whispered to Kristen.

“Clothes. You’ll see.”

And Unei did see. There were clothes hanging from racks all along the rough stone walls, just like in a department store, like Harrods or Selfridges.

There was a rickety wooden counter at the back, a woman standing behind it. Unei couldn’t even begin to hazard a guess at her age under the layers of cloth and grime.

“Polly.” Kristen nodded to the woman.

“What can I get you girls?” The woman’s voice was elderly, but still strong.

“Just here for some clothes for my friend, Poll. How’s stocks?” Unei decided this woman obviously knew Kristen, but then after following her through what seemed like half of this bizarre underground city, it looked like almost everybody down here knew Kristen.

“Oh, not so bad, you know,” the old woman said. “Stuff comes, stuff goes. You know how it is down here. You take a look around for your friend. Anyone who’s your friend is my friend, you know that. There’s a mirror over there for you.” She glanced at Unei and smiled a smile that seemed to lift years from her face, and then she disappeared into the back.

Instinctively, Unei glanced over to where the woman had pointed. To the mirror. To the face that stared back at her. Fine bone structure, the same richly exotic skin tint that she’d noticed on her arms. Widely-spaced eyes, with the telltale oval shape and epicanthic fold. She recognized that. An oriental face stared back at her. Japanese. A face that was somehow familiar. Her face? Why didn’t it feel like her face? It did, but at the same time, it didn’t. She closed her eyes, realized that she’d been holding her breath. Opened her eyes again. The same face was still there, still staring back at her.

She lifted her hand, tracing the contours of her skin, watched the hand in the mirror run its fingers across the high cheekbones, along the straight jawline.

She felt a hand on her arm. Turned quickly, her hair whipping up around her head. Kristen’s hand. Kristen, standing close, looking from her to the mirror and back again.

“Unei? What’s wrong?”

“I-“ She didn’t know what to say. Stammered. Took a deep breath. “I- I realized that I- I didn’t know what I looked like.”

The tears came then, and Kristen sat with her in that makeshift store, surrounded by the racks of rough clothing, while Unei finally let go of the tension that had been the only thing keeping her together.

 

[cantdog]

there ya go

I guess you're not asking for an editor, and God knows editing by committee would really blow. I watched the description unfold on the first reading, because it was uppermost in my mind, but I was struck by the reaction, "I realized I didn't know what I looked like." That really rocks, as does the idea that the confession would trigger a good catharsis.

Anyway, the description: I think it flows right out naturally without pulling the reader away for a look, which is what descriptions do which sucks so much, after all. And yet you need a description, especially in erotica, to trigger and to ground the visual imagination, I think.

The old woman seemes a tad wordy if she knows her, but you'll fix that.

Decent.


cantdog


ps

In Maine, decent is higher praise than it is in, for instance, New Jersey or California, to name two places I've run into the problem. The Maine decent is enthusiastic. I might even go so far as to say

wicked decent!

c

 

[Svenskaflicka]

I'd say that whichever option you choose, you could make either one sound convincing.

 

[raphy]

Re: there ya go

I guess you're not asking for an editor, and God knows editing by committee would really blow. I watched the description unfold on the first reading, because it was uppermost in my mind, but I was struck by the reaction, "I realized I didn't know what I looked like." That really rocks, as does the idea that the confession would trigger a good catharsis.

Anyway, the description: I think it flows right out naturally without pulling the reader away for a look, which is what descriptions do which sucks so much, after all. And yet you need a description, especially in erotica, to trigger and to ground the visual imagination, I think.

The old woman seemes a tad wordy if she knows her, but you'll fix that.

Decent.


cantdog


ps

In Maine, decent is higher praise than it is in, for instance, New Jersey or California, to name two places I've run into the problem. The Maine decent is enthusiastic. I might even go so far as to say

wicked decent!

c

Oh, well, if I've got the New England 'wicked' in my seal of approval, it MUST be good

"I realized I didn't know what I looked like." That really rocks, as does the idea that the confession would trigger a good catharsis

My thoughts exactly

I can almost see the scene in my head now. Just need a good, talented oriental actress to play lead

 

[cloudy]

Re: Re: there ya go

Oh, well, if I've got the New England 'wicked' in my seal of approval, it MUST be good


My thoughts exactly

I can almost see the scene in my head now. Just need a good, talented oriental actress to play lead

Lucy Liu - she rocks.

 

[raphy]

Re: Re: Re: there ya go

Lucy Liu - she rocks.

Definitely thought about her. But I've only seen her in Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever and the two Charlie's Angels movies, neither of which stretches one's acting muscles much. Zhang Zi Yi from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon wouldn't necessarily be a bad choice. She had some fairly sensitive stuff to act in that movie.

 

[yui]

Re: Re: Re: Re: there ya go

Definitely thought about her. But I've only seen her in Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever and the two Charlie's Angels movies, neither of which stretches one's acting muscles much. Zhang Zi Yi from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon wouldn't necessarily be a bad choice. She had some fairly sensitive stuff to act in that movie.

Hi Raphy,

I liked your story excerpt and I think you handled the loss-of-memory situation very realistically, particularly on an emotional level.

I have one suggestion, very minor, but it might help in a realistic portrayal of Unei. I think a Japanese Unei would consider herself as "Asian", not "Oriental". "Oriental" is sort of dated and might be interpreted as derogatory term by some people. (If that adds any validity to my suggestion, I am Japanese and I do not think of myself as "Oriental". )

Did you see Zhang Zi Yi in "The Road Home"? I love that movie. Kelly Chen is another Chinese actress with some skill. Harumi Inoue ("Freeze Me" and "Moonlight Whispers") and Maho Ukai ("Firefly Dreams") are two strong Japanese actresses who impress me personally, but I have no idea if they are proficient in English…so, hmm, thinking about it, that might be an issue, neh?

Much luck to you,

Yui ^_^