Anal Intimacy

[TBKahuna123]

So lately we've had a number of threads where it's been said that PIV sex was as or more intimate than anal sex. This really got me thinking about it, and I tend to agree. So I'm wondering what other people's thoughts are? Is anal sex more intimate than PIV sex? Why or why not?

EDIT: Ok, so I can't type.

 

[M's girl]

My first reaction is: "no"! Not at all! To me anal sex has nothing to do with intimacy.... now I have to figure out how to put the 'why' into the right words.

Hmmmm....

 

[swany55]

So lately we've had a number of threads where it's been said that anal sex was as or more intimate than anal sex. This really got me thinking about it, and I tend to agree. So I'm wondering what other people's thoughts are? Is anal sex more intimate than PIV sex? Why or why not?

I am not quite sure I understand the question. anal sex was as or more intimate than anal sex? do you mean vaginal sex? If so I would go along with the more intimate idea.

 

[EJFan]

I am not quite sure I understand the question. anal sex was as or more intimate than anal sex? do you mean vaginal sex? If so I would go along with the more intimate idea.

welcome to lit, swany.

i'm sure you've interpreted TBK's typo correctly... is anal sex as intimate or more intimate (or less intimate?) than PIV. kahuna prolly had a few drinks in him at the time.

i think the perception comes from how you (the owner of the ass) views his/her ass. this may be just restating the question as a statement, but i think that if you find your ass to be more "private" an area than your vagina then anal sex is probably more intimate to you.

for me, yes, anal sex is more intimate than PIV (speaking as the penis owner here). from my perspective i think it's because it requires just a touch more tenderness, preperation, strategy or whatever you want to call it.

 

[Guest]

 

[SweetErika]

I think anal can be more intimate than PiV, but it's not always necessarily so. I've had experiences where it's just something else sexual to do, and others have been extremely intimate.

It seems the relationship has a big impact on this for me: I've had three anal partners I've loved, but only feel the increased intimacy with my husband. (I should probably note I'm speaking to how I felt at the time, not in retrospect.) The 'non-intimate' experiences certainly had the potential for more intimacy, but we didn't approach it that way; consequently, this is where a lot of my fear and expectations of pain came from.

There is something to be said for trust, though to me it's more aqbout trusting in my partner's knowledge or ability to act on what they've learned and follow directions. I'm not sure if there's more trust for me since I can't even consider any type of sex without that same trust.

I probably have more thoughts, but this is already sounding jumbled to me.

 

[LadyJeanne]

My first reaction is: "no"! Not at all! To me anal sex has nothing to do with intimacy.... now I have to figure out how to put the 'why' into the right words.

Hmmmm....

How about because of the attitude some guys bring to the act...that dominating, selfish, pushy 'dude, i'm gonna fuck her in the ass and I'm gonna make her take it' kind of attitude. It makes it FEEL degrading because of their approach to it, and what turns them on about it.

Since I haven't had much experience with anal, I'll give you blowjobs as an example of what I mean. It took me a while to feel comfortable giving blowjobs - even though I truly enjoyed giving them - because of the attitudes I ran into from guys (and, of course, as seen in the ubiquitous porn).

I had the formed the impression that what turned guys on about blowjobs had less to do with the sensations than the mental eroticism of dominating the woman to serve him. When a guy keeps pushing your head down to his dick constantly, you start to feel like an object he's using for his pleasure.

I think oral sex is more intimate than PIV, actually, but intimacy had absolutely nothing to do with the appeal of it for some of the (young) guys I was with when I first started having sex.

Now I know that there are many men here who have a whole different approach to it, and that makes a huge difference, which is why it can be intimate. But I'd still really like to know why some men are obsessed with anal sex. What's the big appeal? Is it really the tightness or does it tap into some mental hot button? Which hot button?

 

[EJFan]

How about because of the attitude some guys bring to the act...that dominating, selfish, pushy 'dude, i'm gonna fuck her in the ass and I'm gonna make her take it' kind of attitude. It makes it FEEL degrading because of their approach to it, and what turns them on about it.

i think this is a great point. i think that the fact that there's this "degradation" factor to overcome that might account for some of the reason why it can seem more intimate. in other words, it takes a more intimate relationship to engage in anal so that there's a clear non-degrading state of emotion.

good job LJ.

 

[LadyJeanne]

i think this is a great point. i think that the fact that there's this "degradation" factor to overcome that might account for some of the reason why it can seem more intimate. in other words, it takes a more intimate relationship to engage in anal so that there's a clear non-degrading state of emotion.

good job LJ.

Thanks, EJ - I wasn't sure I was making myself clear. Not enough coffee yet.

 

[Typo Fu Master]

Now I know that there are many men here who have a whole different approach to it, and that makes a huge difference, which is why it can be intimate. But I'd still really like to know why some men are obsessed with anal sex. What's the big appeal? Is it really the tightness or does it tap into some mental hot button? Which hot button?

Some of it (for me) has to do with the tightness of the sphincter, but most is probably the Taboo Factor. Not every woman enjoys anal sex, so some of the desire may stem from wanting what you can't have. Out of all my intimate encounters, only half the women would let me have anal sex, and a couple were ok with a finger or tongue, but nothing else.

I wish I could describe why I like it. I guess most of it is the idea that I'm pushing my penis into her ass and that just really turns me on. I don't think it's a power/control issue, I just really enjoy it. A woman's ass has been one of my 'hot buttons' for almost as long as I started watching porn.

Back on topic: I think anal sex is more intimate than PIV, because it's sharing a part of yourself not originally designed for such intimacy. On the same lines, oral sex could also be considered more intimate, but isn't, probably because it's so wide spread. Oral is considered more 'normal'. I'll bet if you take a random sampling, you'll find more women that will willingly perform oral than those that will allow anal. I've heard many comments along the lines of "exit only!" It may be that this attitude is changing and I hope so.

 

[rosco rathbone]

How about because of the attitude some guys bring to the act...that dominating, selfish, pushy 'dude, i'm gonna fuck her in the ass and I'm gonna make her take it' kind of attitude. It makes it FEEL degrading because of their approach to it, and what turns them on about it.

Since I haven't had much experience with anal, I'll give you blowjobs as an example of what I mean. It took me a while to feel comfortable giving blowjobs - even though I truly enjoyed giving them - because of the attitudes I ran into from guys (and, of course, as seen in the ubiquitous porn).

I had the formed the impression that what turned guys on about blowjobs had less to do with the sensations than the mental eroticism of dominating the woman to serve him. When a guy keeps pushing your head down to his dick constantly, you start to feel like an object he's using for his pleasure.

I think oral sex is more intimate than PIV, actually, but intimacy had absolutely nothing to do with the appeal of it for some of the (young) guys I was with when I first started having sex.

Now I know that there are many men here who have a whole different approach to it, and that makes a huge difference, which is why it can be intimate. But I'd still really like to know why some men are obsessed with anal sex. What's the big appeal? Is it really the tightness or does it tap into some mental hot button? Which hot button?

I've found that the painful or dominating possibilities of anal sex can actually break down barriers and cause intense intimacy if the right focus and awareness is there.

 

[Straight-8]

For me PIV is the ne plus ultra of sex and intimacy. Other things such as anal are great in their time and place but don't come near the degree of intimacy or significance of PIV. There's a certain 'novelty' and sharing a forbiden pleasure with anal which is good but not nearly as intimate as PIV. If I could only experience one form of sexual contact for the rest of my life, I know what it would be.

 

[EJFan]

Thanks, EJ - I wasn't sure I was making myself clear. Not enough coffee yet.

you're welcome... and, fwiw, there's NEVER enough coffee. that is, one can never drink enough coffee... not that you never seem to have had enough to be coherent here at HT.

 

[Guest]

 

[TBKahuna123]

Great responses so far.

I'll admit it , I was one of those guys pushing my wife to try it. Not pushing too hard mind you, and I wouldn't really call it an obsession, because if she said no, I'd let it go no problem. I still remember her saying, "if I give in and let you, will you let it go?" Hearing her say that though, I realized that I didn't want her to give in. What was really my desire was for her to ask me to do that, for her to WANT to have anal sex, not to give in. At the time I didn't connect intimacy with that thought, but it makes sense.

The intimacy, I think, stems from trust. Anal sex is something which is taboo and I think a lot of people are embarassed to admit they find it pleasurable for fear of their partners thinking less of them. Anal sex can also be painful if your partner isn't attentive and careful. It can also be degrading, and because of the potential for pain, the woman can easily lose control of the situation. You have to relax and trust that your partner is not going to hurt you physically or emotionally. That trust is a gift which is recieved and returned in the form of respect of that trust. That is the core of intimacy, I think. Whenever you make yourself vulnerable to your partner and your partner honors that, the situation can not help but be intimate.

Oral sex is the same way. Guys who think it's a subservient act that puts them in complete control, obviously haven't considered the rows of sharp ivory teeth which are wrapped around their most intimate parts.

 

[LadyJeanne]

Great responses so far.

I'll admit it , I was one of those guys pushing my wife to try it. Not pushing too hard mind you, and I wouldn't really call it an obsession, because if she said no, I'd let it go no problem. I still remember her saying, "if I give in and let you, will you let it go?" Hearing her say that though, I realized that I didn't want her to give in. What was really my desire was for her to ask me to do that, for her to WANT to have anal sex, not to give in. At the time I didn't connect intimacy with that thought, but it makes sense.

I think that's the key - for him, knowing that she wants to open up to him in every way, and for her, knowing that he wants her in every way. There's a lot of potential for deep intimacy then.

The intimacy, I think, stems from trust. Anal sex is something which is taboo and I think a lot of people are embarassed to admit they find it pleasurable for fear of their partners thinking less of them. Anal sex can also be painful if your partner isn't attentive and careful. It can also be degrading, and because of the potential for pain, the woman can easily lose control of the situation. You have to relax and trust that your partner is not going to hurt you physically or emotionally. That trust is a gift which is recieved and returned in the form of respect of that trust. That is the core of intimacy, I think. Whenever you make yourself vulnerable to your partner and your partner honors that, the situation can not help but be intimate.

Oral sex is the same way. Guys who think it's a subservient act that puts them in complete control, obviously haven't considered the rows of sharp ivory teeth which are wrapped around their most intimate parts.

Trust and respect are a huge part of intimacy in any sex act. Anything can be degrading if those basic things aren't part of the relationship.

I've found that the painful or dominating possibilities of anal sex can actually break down barriers and cause intense intimacy if the right focus and awareness is there.

I can see that, but boy, is that not for the inexperienced and immature! Focus, awareness, and trust are imperative for play that pushes past boundaries.

Some of it (for me) has to do with the tightness of the sphincter, but most is probably the Taboo Factor. Not every woman enjoys anal sex, so some of the desire may stem from wanting what you can't have. Out of all my intimate encounters, only half the women would let me have anal sex, and a couple were ok with a finger or tongue, but nothing else.

I wish I could describe why I like it. I guess most of it is the idea that I'm pushing my penis into her ass and that just really turns me on. I don't think it's a power/control issue, I just really enjoy it. A woman's ass has been one of my 'hot buttons' for almost as long as I started watching porn.

Everything feels a little taboo when you first start doing it, especially with the way we aren't really open about sexuality in our society - that's part of what makes it so exciting when we first start exploring sex. Do you think if you were getting a steady diet of anal sex, the taboo fun of it might start to fade a little?

 

[wicked woman]

Great responses so far.

I'll admit it , I was one of those guys pushing my wife to try it. Not pushing too hard mind you, and I wouldn't really call it an obsession, because if she said no, I'd let it go no problem. I still remember her saying, "if I give in and let you, will you let it go?" Hearing her say that though, I realized that I didn't want her to give in. What was really my desire was for her to ask me to do that, for her to WANT to have anal sex, not to give in. At the time I didn't connect intimacy with that thought, but it makes sense.

The intimacy, I think, stems from trust. Anal sex is something which is taboo and I think a lot of people are embarassed to admit they find it pleasurable for fear of their partners thinking less of them. Anal sex can also be painful if your partner isn't attentive and careful. It can also be degrading, and because of the potential for pain, the woman can easily lose control of the situation. You have to relax and trust that your partner is not going to hurt you physically or emotionally. That trust is a gift which is recieved and returned in the form of respect of that trust. That is the core of intimacy, I think. Whenever you make yourself vulnerable to your partner and your partner honors that, the situation can not help but be intimate.

Oral sex is the same way. Guys who think it's a subservient act that puts them in complete control, obviously haven't considered the rows of sharp ivory teeth which are wrapped around their most intimate parts.

I've always thought anal sex was more intimate than PIV and I think TBK you've hit on a number of my reasons. The trust required, the vulnerability, the potential for harm, the respect. There are people I'd have PIV sex with that I wouldn't have anal sex with but not vice versa.

Having said that though....my mind almost says there's another 'kind' of intimacy and with this 'kind', PIV is more intimate. I can't quite put the words around what I'm trying to explain though.

 

[Typo Fu Master]

Everything feels a little taboo when you first start doing it, especially with the way we aren't really open about sexuality in our society - that's part of what makes it so exciting when we first start exploring sex. Do you think if you were getting a steady diet of anal sex, the taboo fun of it might start to fade a little?

It's a good possibility, but I don't think I'd ever tire of it.

 

[LadyJeanne]

I've always thought anal sex was more intimate than PIV and I think TBK you've hit on a number of my reasons. The trust required, the vulnerability, the potential for harm, the respect. There are people I'd have PIV sex with that I wouldn't have anal sex with but not vice versa.

Having said that though....my mind almost says there's another 'kind' of intimacy and with this 'kind', PIV is more intimate. I can't quite put the words around what I'm trying to explain though.

Please try!

 

[LadyJeanne]

It's a good possibility, but I don't think I'd ever tire of it.

Yeah, I don't get tired of PIV and oral, either.

 

[SweetErika]

Having said that though....my mind almost says there's another 'kind' of intimacy and with this 'kind', PIV is more intimate. I can't quite put the words around what I'm trying to explain though.

I've been thinking about that other kind of intimacy with PIV all day. This sounds stupid and corny to me, but I think it might boil down to the knowledge that it could be the first moment of the most incredible act of our lives -- becoming parents. It's not a conscious thought, and certainly isn't a goal at this point, but it's always in there somewhere. In essence, every time we have PIV, we're committing to bonding for a lifetime; that's an intense type of intimacy that nothing else really evokes.

 

[Munachi]

well i guess intimacy has not so much to do with the act itself, but rather how it is done, how the attitude of the people is towards what they are doing and towards each other, and all that...

anyway, i would have PIV sex more easily with someone than anal sex (not that i mean i have piv sex with everyone, just that anal sex already requires me to be somewhat more trusting to the person in question than piv sex might require)... interestingly though same goes for me for oral sex. giving, that is. in some cases i would have piv sex with someone but not give them a bj. or allow anal sex. so this might indicate that both oral and anal sex are more intimate to me than piv sex.

on the other hand though anal sex also could be interpreted as less intimate for me, just because it feels "further away" or something like that. it's like my ass is not as "close" to me as my vagina. that also distinguishes anal from oral sex - so the reasons why i don't have them "as easily" are different in some ways, because one of the reasons in the case of oral sex is that somehow my mouth is closer to me, and that makes it feel more intimate. i don't really know how to describe what i mean by closer or further away... i hope you understand...

anyway, as was said by others before, part of the intimacy of anal sex probably has to do with a certain taboo around it. it feels like requiring more trust not only because of maybe a higher vulnerability, but more because it's just interpreted as such. it's seen as less "normal"...

in the end, i would suppose none is more intimate than the other. both can be very intimate, and they can be less intimate.

 

[TBKahuna123]

I've been thinking about that other kind of intimacy with PIV all day. This sounds stupid and corny to me, but I think it might boil down to the knowledge that it could be the first moment of the most incredible act of our lives -- becoming parents. It's not a conscious thought, and certainly isn't a goal at this point, but it's always in there somewhere. In essence, every time we have PIV, we're committing to bonding for a lifetime; that's an intense type of intimacy that nothing else really evokes.

I know that this is definitely a factor for my wife and I. Especially now that we are trying to have kids, it is always on our minds. We have seen an increase in the intimacy of our lovemaking, and this is the reason why. In fact focusing on the intimacy is how we keep the attempt to concieve from becoming a chore. For us it's a conscious thing, but I know that for my wife before we had really confronted her fertility issues, it hurt our sexual intimacy. So, it can go both ways too.

 

[bobsgirl]

I've been thinking about that other kind of intimacy with PIV all day. This sounds stupid and corny to me, but I think it might boil down to the knowledge that it could be the first moment of the most incredible act of our lives -- becoming parents. It's not a conscious thought, and certainly isn't a goal at this point, but it's always in there somewhere. In essence, every time we have PIV, we're committing to bonding for a lifetime; that's an intense type of intimacy that nothing else really evokes.

Every now and then, there's a post that makes me marvel at the wisdom that can be found in our community. This is one of them.

 

[silverwhisper]

well, naturally it was from erika, BG. :>

that said, i think it's as or more intimate than PIV, for precisely the reasons kahuna stated: trust. maybe it's different for me, not being a parent myself, though.

ed