am i wrong?

[magentah]

....or am i making a big deal out of nothing....

but what i do know...is friendship shouldn't hurt.....

my best friend is male.....and we've been friends for a few years now......

we started out dating....mutually agreed we weren't the right people for each other as far as relationship potential....but really enjoyed each other's company so we have stayed friends.....

recently....he has met a woman.....and let me say that i'm not jealous of the relationship.....i have someone i'm dating myself...so that's not the case....

but since that relationship has begun.....i feel she is calling the shots on our friendship.

he and i used to spend a few nights a week together to keep each other company......and we would stay at each other's houses......yes, we would sleep in the same bed....but it was platonic....no sex, at all......

first she said that she didn't mind that, as long as one of us slept on the couch....- not a problem....
then she said that she didn't like us spending the night at each other's houses....not a problem either...i understand that....

but now,....she doesn't want him to see me at all.....that it's our friendship or her.....and that's where i have the problem.....

now when i said that was ridiculous.....his answer to the problem is:

we can still hang out,....we can still occasionally have sleepovers......
but the condition is that it has to be at his house,...that he has to be able to be on the computer to chat with her if she's on....OR....if she calls....he will have to take the call ......
BUT....
I have to pretend that we're no longer friends, and if i'm there,...i have to be quiet and pretend i'm not there.....

am i wrong to be upset with this?

 

[EJFan]

you're never wrong to be upset. whatever the situation, you feel how you feel about it. i always hate it when people say, "don't be mad," and things like that. in any case...

all i can say is that there are plenty of women like this one you're talking about (and men too). if HE'S happy with her, that's all that really matters. when/if he finds it annoying, he'll drop her.

i get your point and i agree with you... she seems to be a bit of a control freak... but everyone has different tastes. he may find that attractive in a relationship, who knows. i think all you can really do is be the friend you've always been, give him some latitude and let him work to whatever the conclusion is on his own.

be mad, stand clear.

 

[hydrex]

Wrong? NO. Emotions are there for a reason. Should you stay away for awhile? Yes. This woman may be his future wife and if you come between them she may want you out of their life forever.On theother hand if you've been friends for a long long time, he may want to settle her down a bit about you.
I know I wouldn't want you sleeping in the same house let alone the same bed if I were her.

 

[cinnamonstick]

I think you have every right to be upset. She is way too insecure with the relationship and a control freak. He should stand up to her now or get used to doing everything her way in the future. I would be pissed if my friend told me I had to lie about being friends, but I would continue the friendship and hope he dumps her quick.
I don't particular like the fact that he is lying to his GF about you either. Not a great way to have a honest relationship.

 

[magentah]

Wrong? NO. Emotions are there for a reason. Should you stay away for awhile? Yes. This woman may be his future wife and if you come between them she may want you out of their life forever.On theother hand if you've been friends for a long long time, he may want to settle her down a bit about you.
I know I wouldn't want you sleeping in the same house let alone the same bed if I were her.

this is the funny thing.....she doesn't even want to meet me.....
i always thought...that if he and i were friends....his future wife, or girlfriend, or whatever.....that we could be friends too......

now i understand about the sleeping part.....i don't have a problem with that......i'd have trouble with that if the tables were turned.....

i just don't like the fact that i need to be a secret.......

 

[magentah]

I would be pissed if my friend told me I had to lie about being friends,


see?...that's what i'm so pissed about......

 

[krazeekat]

I would be pissed if my friend told me I had to lie about being friends,


see?...that's what i'm so pissed about......

I'd be upset too. He shouldn't have to keep his friendship with you a secret with this woman. Eventhough you have a platonic relationship, this woman still sees you as a threat. Your bestfriend on the other hand is trying to do what he can to please his new gf and keep you as his buddy at the same time. He should know that lying will not get him anywhere. Let's just say you agree to this "arrangement" (not that you will I'm sure), what if his gf finds out? Wouldn't it make matters worst?

 

[GenesisMan]

His g/friend is jealous of the friendship you have with him. She feels that she doesn't have that. So with you out of the picture she could get that.

I totally understand her and I would be jealous as well.

 

[SweetErika]

I would be pissed if my friend told me I had to lie about being friends,


see?...that's what i'm so pissed about......

It seems that's exactly what he's doing. Tell him you love him and value his friendship, but you can't take part in that because it's not fair to anyone. Hopefully he'll also realize how rediculous it is to have to lie to her to spend platonic time with you. If that doesn't happen, just let him figure out how to deal with the situation without lying, and let the relationship run its course.

I know you said she doesn't want to meet you, but how about suggesting you go out and do things as couples? She might realize her fears are unfounded once she sees you have someone else. Also, if you can get her on the phone sometime, tell her you've heard so many good things about her that you'd like to meet the woman who has made your friend so happy. Suggest coffee or a drink after work, and talk a lot about her...my thought is that it'll be harder for her to demonize you once she gets to know you.

 

[Avery_Chisholm]

i have every right, depending on how long you've been friends I would be calmly explaining to him that he needs to put his foot down to her about this and if he's to much of a PUSSY to well then just ignore him

 

[magentah]

It seems that's exactly what he's doing. Tell him you love him and value his friendship, but you can't take part in that because it's not fair to anyone. Hopefully he'll also realize how rediculous it is to have to lie to her to spend platonic time with you. If that doesn't happen, just let him figure out how to deal with the situation without lying, and let the relationship run its course.

I know you said she doesn't want to meet you, but how about suggesting you go out and do things as couples? She might realize her fears are unfounded once she sees you have someone else. Also, if you can get her on the phone sometime, tell her you've heard so many good things about her that you'd like to meet the woman who has made your friend so happy. Suggest coffee or a drink after work, and talk a lot about her...my thought is that it'll be harder for her to demonize you once she gets to know you.

well.....honestly.....
there's not too much that he's told me that's good stuff......

it's a long story....but she's kind of a dumbass.......in one week - he first told me how she got taken for a lot of money from a scam artist.....(guess i should point out that she is older than him, a teacher, with 3 kids - and she's giving money to someone she doesn't know = a dumbass)

then, 2 days after telling me that, he tells me how they found out she was pregnant. and this is a two month relationship - and the solution is for her to have an abortion......an abortion - i still can't believe it......and this is the second one she's had in her lifetime.....

i know i'm forming an opinion on someone i haven't met - but i see her as irresponsible,....and not the brightest bulb.....and the fact that her means of birth control is abortion is the kicker....

i love my friend....and i see this as a bad situation for him, ....and he obviously doesn't......i'm hoping he comes to his senses and realizes this is not a good situation.....and deep in my heart, i know eventually he will.....

but just upset that he's kinda burning the bridge to our friendship so to speak....

*sigh*

during our phonecall last night he hit me with the statement...."if you had a more substantial relationship in your life - you wouldn't be so jealous"....

not very friend like in my opinion.....

 

[SweetErika]

well.....honestly.....
there's not too much that he's told me that's good stuff......

it's a long story....but she's kind of a dumbass.......in one week - he first told me how she got taken for a lot of money from a scam artist.....(guess i should point out that she is older than him, a teacher, with 3 kids - and she's giving money to someone she doesn't know = a dumbass)

then, 2 days after telling me that, he tells me how they found out she was pregnant. and this is a two month relationship - and the solution is for her to have an abortion......an abortion - i still can't believe it......and this is the second one she's had in her lifetime.....

i know i'm forming an opinion on someone i haven't met - but i see her as irresponsible,....and not the brightest bulb.....and the fact that her means of birth control is abortion is the kicker....

i love my friend....and i see this as a bad situation for him, ....and he obviously doesn't......i'm hoping he comes to his senses and realizes this is not a good situation.....and deep in my heart, i know eventually he will.....

but just upset that he's kinda burning the bridge to our friendship so to speak....

*sigh*

during our phonecall last night he hit me with the statement...."if you had a more substantial relationship in your life - you wouldn't be so jealous"....

not very friend like in my opinion.....

There must be some good stuff if he's still with her. You might have to go on that assumption if you want to remove yourself as a threat.

If there's not a lot of good, then he's a dumbass too, and unfortunately, you're just going to have to sit quietly while he figures that out. I'm guessing you've said some negative things about her or the relationship to him for him to respond with the jealous comment... don't do that anymore, or you may end up with no friendship at all. It does sound like he's baiting you into saying the negative things though...my guess is that he's trying to justify her rule of not seeing you by categorizing everything you say as "jealous." If you take that away and limit yourself to neutral comments about her and positive ones about him, I bet he'll figure out that she's wrong for him pretty damn quick. It might be painful, but it's his life, and you may have to let him hang himself with this one.

 

[magentah]

There must be some good stuff if he's still with her. You might have to go on that assumption if you want to remove yourself as a threat.

If there's not a lot of good, then he's a dumbass too, and unfortunately, you're just going to have to sit quietly while he figures that out. I'm guessing you've said some negative things about her or the relationship to him for him to respond with the jealous comment... don't do that anymore, or you may end up with no friendship at all. It does sound like he's baiting you into saying the negative things though...my guess is that he's trying to justify her rule of not seeing you by categorizing everything you say as "jealous." If you take that away and limit yourself to neutral comments about her and positive ones about him, I bet he'll figure out that she's wrong for him pretty damn quick. It might be painful, but it's his life, and you may have to let him hang himself with this one.

you're right......absolutely right.....
i just needed someone to point that out and say it to me.....

thank you.....