Am I weird??

[rr90]

You might have low "T" and I'm not trying to be a wiseass when I say it!

I have never gotten checked but I don't think my hormon level is an issue. I still have a sexual drive and wish I had someone to makeout, have sex and cuddle with but because I have a psychological issue I can't easily engage in any kind of intimacy with someone I don't know, trust and love. Every night when I go to bed I wish I had someone by my side but until I find someone special that I can trust and loves me back I will sleep alone.

Thanks for your reply!

 

[rr90]

So how many women have you loved?

What's your definition of love?

Do you know why you feel so bad kissing and being physically intimate with women you don't love? IOW, do you know where those attitudes are stemming from? And are you willing to work on changing your attitudes?

For instance, I have trouble having sex with people I don't really know and care for immensely. For me, that comes from being told that "people who love each other have sex" as a child, issues surrounding my father and trauma I experienced as a young woman. I've found NSA sex to be exciting in the distant past, but concluded that having it was harmful to me emotionally. That's my story, what's yours?

I can say I have loved 3 girls, altough, I must say that I have loved them differently (just because of the age I was at each time). For me to say I love someone, is when I care as much or more for that person as I do for me. I can say I love my parents and my close friends because I care very much for them, feel bad when things don't workout their way and feel as happy for them when they are happy as if something good just happen to me. The 3 girls have loved, I cared so much for them that I would die for them. Never told them that but I definitely felt so. Also, with those 3 I imagine my self with them for a long time and could see my future self happy in a family with them. I also never told them that as i believe those things are better kept to my self.

Now...I have been thinking what is the reason I feel this way. I still don't know. I think the main reason is because when I meet someone that wants to be with me I want her to do so because she thinks I am special and not just to have fun and see if things workout. I would also feel sad if I was with someone and I said: "I love you" and she answered with: "I like you". I don't know if people say it in english but in my native language we say: "treat others as you would like to be treated". Threfore I would like for the person kissing me to love me and see me as a future rather than someone to have fun with.

I am really trying to work on this and I think that the people who have written me back are helping a lot!

Thanks for your replies!

 

[SweetErika]

Yep, "treat others as you want to be treated" is known as The Golden Rule from the Bible.

What's your religious and cultural background?

Have you considered the thought that you can have fun with someone (kiss, touch, etc.) while you're looking at/hoping for a long-term relationship with them?

Another thought is to look at the chemistry/science of "love." That is, when we get to know someone we really like, our brains release all sorts of "feel good" chemicals. And it can keep producing those for up to 2 years! Usually our brains start to calm down after 3-12 months, so if you're falling "in love" fairly quickly, it may just be your brain chemistry talking. It's possible for your particular brain to overproduce the chemicals that make you feel like you're in love and strongly bonded to a person. That's fine unless it's affecting your thoughts, behavior and relationships.

I'd guess that you may have an unusual amount of "love chemicals" being released AND you're mistaking caring for actual love. True love takes time and experience to develop, in my experience. And, yes, it's easy to feel like we love people when we don't really. When you've been to hell and back with your partner, shared big triumphs, spent lots of time being exactly yourselves ("warts" and all!), and you've come out a stronger couple for it, that's real, lasting love.

But you can't get that real love without getting to know someone in many different ways and spending lots of time with them. And you, sir, will not get there unless you're willing to enjoy the present and explore all of the great things new relationships and caring for people have to offer.

 

[rr90]

Yep, "treat others as you want to be treated" is known as The Golden Rule from the Bible.

What's your religious and cultural background?

Have you considered the thought that you can have fun with someone (kiss, touch, etc.) while you're looking at/hoping for a long-term relationship with them?

Another thought is to look at the chemistry/science of "love." That is, when we get to know someone we really like, our brains release all sorts of "feel good" chemicals. And it can keep producing those for up to 2 years! Usually our brains start to calm down after 3-12 months, so if you're falling "in love" fairly quickly, it may just be your brain chemistry talking. It's possible for your particular brain to overproduce the chemicals that make you feel like you're in love and strongly bonded to a person. That's fine unless it's affecting your thoughts, behavior and relationships.

I'd guess that you may have an unusual amount of "love chemicals" being released AND you're mistaking caring for actual love. True love takes time and experience to develop, in my experience. And, yes, it's easy to feel like we love people when we don't really. When you've been to hell and back with your partner, shared big triumphs, spent lots of time being exactly yourselves ("warts" and all!), and you've come out a stronger couple for it, that's real, lasting love.

But you can't get that real love without getting to know someone in many different ways and spending lots of time with them. And you, sir, will not get there unless you're willing to enjoy the present and explore all of the great things new relationships and caring for people have to offer.

I don't have a religion. I consider my self agnostic but at the same time I respect every single religion. I didn't know I was quoting the bible but I believe everyone should follow a set of rules even when non religious.

You may be right! Although, it takes me quiet some time before I feel what you mention. For example, the first girl I went out with last year, I felt absolutely any connection for a long time. We had a first date and I got totally bored and had no intentions of seing her again. We ended up going out again and I kinda liked her but still wasn't interested. Then we saw each other every now and then but only after 3 months I felt something growing for her. As I got to know her I fell in love with her personality. And when this type of "love" came, it was strong! I could only think about her but when I approached her, she either was not interested anymore or saw me just as a friend. I told her how I felt and she said she wasn't ready for a relationship. A couple of months later she was dating other guy. I tried to stay friends after the pain has gone but because of her "new" relationship, she doesn't want to keep in touch anymore. Funny fact! I learned to cook vegetarian food because she is a vegetarian I cooked at least 5 times for her and when we were together I never ate meat.

With the second one everything happened a little faster but with the same outcome. The only difference is that now we are becoming good friends. It would still kill me inside to learn she is with someone else but after a couples of weeks I would be happy she found someone and would wish her all the best. I truly believe she deserves to be happy and if not with me with someone who deserves her as well. The worse thing it could happen would be if she meets another asshole that hurts her :-/ I think that when we love someone we need to learn to let go and hope they are happy, so we can move on and find someone that makes us happy as well.

Thank you for your reply!

 

[fire_breeze]

<snip>
Emotionally mature women aren't looking for "the perfect man" because there are approximately 2 on the planet, one of them is probably gay and the other's probably happily married.
<snip>

I often used to say that the 'perfect' guy is out there... he just was hit by a Mack truck as we speak

I don't have a religion. I consider my self agnostic but at the same time I respect every single religion. I didn't know I was quoting the bible but I believe everyone should follow a set of rules even when non religious.

You may be right! Although, it takes me quiet some time before I feel what you mention. For example, the first girl I went out with last year, I felt absolutely any connection for a long time. We had a first date and I got totally bored and had no intentions of seing her again. We ended up going out again and I kinda liked her but still wasn't interested. Then we saw each other every now and then but only after 3 months I felt something growing for her. As I got to know her I fell in love with her personality. And when this type of "love" came, it was strong! I could only think about her but when I approached her, she either was not interested anymore or saw me just as a friend. I told her how I felt and she said she wasn't ready for a relationship. A couple of months later she was dating other guy. I tried to stay friends after the pain has gone but because of her "new" relationship, she doesn't want to keep in touch anymore. Funny fact! I learned to cook vegetarian food because she is a vegetarian I cooked at least 5 times for her and when we were together I never ate meat.

With the second one everything happened a little faster but with the same outcome. The only difference is that now we are becoming good friends. It would still kill me inside to learn she is with someone else but after a couples of weeks I would be happy she found someone and would wish her all the best. I truly believe she deserves to be happy and if not with me with someone who deserves her as well. The worse thing it could happen would be if she meets another asshole that hurts her :-/ I think that when we love someone we need to learn to let go and hope they are happy, so we can move on and find someone that makes us happy as well.

Thank you for your reply!

You do realise that even atheists can - and often do - respect religions; it's just they merely believe that there is no God/gods/higher entity? But this neither the place nor time to discuss it. Just thought I'd point it out though.

It seems that you are very much in love with the idea with a happy ending, and with coupled life. I hate to rain on your parade, but being involved with someone can be very difficult. If it's worth it, and with someone you truly love, it always is, then it can be something truly wonderful and beautiful. However, it's not always a bed of roses - the wonderful part comes after an investment. I'm afraid that you have you have a rosy image in your mind and are not looking at the reality.

I wonder if you truly want love, or just the idea of it?

You mentioned 'Hollywood' ending. Sweeting, there's no such thing. Is there a happy ending? Sure, at least I'd like to believe it. But the sugary, happily every after? Blech, gag me with a spoon, no. Hollywood endings does not allow you to grow. Hollywood endings are that: endings. Having a relationship should be the beginning.

I think you have hit it square in the head: you need to let go of this unrealistic image and live. Do not try to find someone to make you happy. You will fail miserably. Make yourself happy, and when that someone comes along that you can make happy, and to enjoy life with, then you'll know.
But don't go out looking, because the odds of you finding that woman who fits your idealised version of happiness is minimal to non-existent. People have faults, and sometimes, being in a relationship can bring out our best qualities and our worst faults. You have to accept and embrace the one you love not in spite of their faults but because of them. I love my all, faults and all, because it makes him him. Take that away - even those which can, at times, frustrate me - and I don't have my all. I have a person that I don't know and won't love.

The point is, you keep on saying "Looking for that partner, looking for love". I can almost guarantee that no one who is involved went out to look for their partner. I did not go out looking for my all. It just sort of happened as we got to know each other, and challenged and stimulated each other. I know he has my back and he knows I have his. You also mention how many times you change to suit the needs of your girlfriends. Accommodating her when you cook for her because she's a vegetarian is one thing. Not eating meat when you do the whole time you are together is something entirely different. You do need to keep a sense of self in whatever relationships. Let me ask you this question: do you know who you are? Yes, you know that you are romantic. That's fine. But do you truly know who you are outside of any influences? In a sea of people, what marks you as unique? As different? In other words, who are you?

Just some thoughts

 

[RAddams]

My man you just need to invite her over for:
Roses
Candles
A nice quite dinner
A smooth chardonnay
and
http://img.noiset.com/images/album/barry-white-the-ultimate-collection-4-cover-art-17987.jpeg

"Tell me, what can I say?
What am I gonna do?
How should I feel when everything is you?
What kind of love is this that you're givin' me?
Is it in your kiss or just because you're sweet?

Girl, all I know is every time you're here
I feel the change
Somethin' moves
I scream your name
Do whatcha got to do (?)

Darling, I can't get enough of your love babe
Girl, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know why
I can't get enough of your love babe
Oh no, babe "