Am I Enough

[aNoYoNoMoUs]

I've been seeing this girl (19 don't worry) for a few months now
quite early on we both discovered we were slightly into BDSM

(clarification - I'm the dom, she's the sub)

BUT, i worry i'm not enough for her
not just generally
or just sexually (although i do)

but more so in terms of her fantasies, we've both talked about our limits and what interests us/peaks our curiousities

for instance, i know she is into body modifications, which so far as tattoos and piercings go (traditional face, studs, rings etc) i welcomed

and don't get me wrong, i think nipple piercings are HOT and an ex had a clit piercing which i LOVED

digressing.

however, meathooks, corset work, etc just kind of makes me shudder, but i think shes into it

major problem is, she's not good at telling me what she likes, all to do with confidence (i think/she said), and so i'm not sure what she's into, and whether she will tell me if she thinks i don't like it (despite me reassuring her that i want to hear everything she is interested in and won't reject anything point-blank).

probably me just worrying about nothing, but I have no idea who else to talk to

 

[CutieMouse]

If she can't/won't communicate her interests, they won't be met.

If you can't/won't communicate your interests, they won't be met.

Neither of you will get over the worries (Will he think I'm a sick puppy in the bad way?/Will I ever measure up to her needs & desires?) without sucking up and having The Talk. The Talk doesn't have to happen NOW, and actually tends to happen over time as trust deepens, but it's gotta happen or everyone will end up wandering around in kink-purgatory, worrying their asses off.

You could do BDSM checklists, or journal/blogs set to private that you can each read, or exchange erotica that makes you hot and discuss it, yadayadayada. "The Talk" doesn't have to be some big formal thing - it's just a growing closer learning process that sometimes take a loooooooong time to accomplish.

 

[Zoots_owner]

"The Talk" doesn't have to be some big formal thing - it's just a growing closer learning process that sometimes take a loooooooong time to accomplish.

It usually goes on for years, based on my observations. No time to start like the present!

 

[camelotak]

It usually goes on for years, based on my observations. No time to start like the present!

I've been married to my wife for 16 years and the talk is still going on. I'm pretty sure that it never really ends.

 

[ILoveSexToys]

however, meathooks, corset work, etc just kind of makes me shudder, but i think shes into it

Mmm, methinks the problem here is that you 'think' she's into but you'll not get to know without asking. Remember communication is a two way thing and needs to happen to build up trust and a relationship. If you're not sure... ask!

 

[thesadboy]

I think, when someone is too shy to talk about stuff, it would be a good idea for you to actually ask her. Find a way to mention it (you know, 'Hey, I saw this the other day, what do you think of that?' to help her feel like she can talk about the things she wants.

I have terrible trouble telling my boyfriend what I want, but if he asks me, it's fine. I don't like to say 'Well, I'd like to do this' if I'm worried that he won't be quite into it but will feel pressured to do it if I say I like it. x]

Unfortunately, everyone's human, and as much as I know communication is the key to any successful relationship, there can sometimes be barriers in the way. x_x

Good luck. =]

 

[rosco rathbone]

she's not good at telling me what she likes,

Welcome to the wonderful world of domination.

You can expect to see this kind of communication problem over and over, so get used to it.

 

[FurryFury]

GREAT post!

I would add that you can arrange for her to have such experiences as being corseted if that's what you both want.

You don't have to do it or watch it for that matter.

Personally, I'd rather care for the person I'm with than have every single experience I'd like to have, happen. It's not about the activities as much at that special person for me.

*shrug*

That being said, there are things I particularly like and crave. If he wants to give them to me I'll gladly enjoy, if not, oh well, he is my focus.

If she can't/won't communicate her interests, they won't be met.

If you can't/won't communicate your interests, they won't be met.

Neither of you will get over the worries (Will he think I'm a sick puppy in the bad way?/Will I ever measure up to her needs & desires?) without sucking up and having The Talk. The Talk doesn't have to happen NOW, and actually tends to happen over time as trust deepens, but it's gotta happen or everyone will end up wandering around in kink-purgatory, worrying their asses off.

You could do BDSM checklists, or journal/blogs set to private that you can each read, or exchange erotica that makes you hot and discuss it, yadayadayada. "The Talk" doesn't have to be some big formal thing - it's just a growing closer learning process that sometimes take a loooooooong time to accomplish.

 

[subwannabe]

I have often given this advice the other way around but it would work for you too. Drive her crazy with desire, making her so damn horny, but not letting her climax. This is trickier to do with women than men because women can often reach a point where it all backfires. Anyway, have her tied up and very, very, horny and then demand that she tells you her innermost desires. When she confesses some things continue making her hornier and demand that she tells you every fantasy. Don't stop until you have forced all of her confessions out of her, but remember, most women do reach a point where you just can't tease them anymore and they often lose all interest. I did this with my wife once while we were dating and was totally shocked that she had a deep desire to have anal sex. I would have never guessed that in a million years and I'm totally sure she would have never told me. Also remember that you are the dom and you are demanding that she tell you what you want to know. It should be easier for her to let it all out in her heightened state of arousal and knowing that this was all part of the scene that she wants and craves - being your sub and following your orders. Good luck and let us know what happens.

 

[rthnck]

In my experiences it always gradual. Little baby steps from kinky to kinkier to kinkiest until you reach the areas neither of you are comfortable with or want to cross. I don't think it works to go from blindfolds and handcuffs to meathooks. It takes time and as others have said here, it often takes years.

So communicate as much as possible. Work with the things that excite you and see if she responds. Use whatever hints you can get from her. Take it slow and enjoy and journey.....

 

[FurryFury]

Great post! I agree!

Healthy communication is rarely, if ever achieved via torture, particularly, when it doesn't already come easily to one.

In my experiences it always gradual. Little baby steps from kinky to kinkier to kinkiest until you reach the areas neither of you are comfortable with or want to cross. I don't think it works to go from blindfolds and handcuffs to meathooks. It takes time and as others have said here, it often takes years.

So communicate as much as possible. Work with the things that excite you and see if she responds. Use whatever hints you can get from her. Take it slow and enjoy and journey.....

 

[aNoYoNoMoUs]

You are all right, I know you are
I just need to talk to her, I might try both ways Stag of Oberon and subwannabe 's ideas

with regard to the corseting/meathooks, it's something she isn't sure if she wants to do, but I don't really like it - but don't want to put her off by saying I'm not interested, I want her to try everything she wants to and vice versa. I would never do anything my sub truly didn't want to, because if she isn't getting pleasure out of it then neither do I, self-gratification or something I guess.

Digresss...

But yeah, thanks for your advice, we did do the checklist idea and I learnt a fair bit, it was a good idea thank you all

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Good advice and a good start so far.

I'm in the early stages of a poly relationship with two amazing women and the "learning to communicate through difficult issues" process is one that we are working through.

All of us are considerably older and have a lot more life experience under our belts and you might think that makes it easier. It does, somewhat, but not nearly as much as you might think. With each new relationship, we have to start from scratch and work our way up. "The Talk" as Ms. Mouse so aptly named it, is still ongoing, ever changing, ever deepening.

I hope that you both find that the communication gets easier as your trust in one another grows, as your shared experiences grow, and as you learn your own needs and desires and share them. And trust me, your needs and desires will grow and change over time, we are not static creatures. I am not the same sadist, Dominant, or man that I was 10 years ago.

Safe journeys!