am i being slowly turned into a submissive or is it just my imagination maybe?

[tollboothjack]

Edit Nt

 

[EmpressFi]

I have been with the same girl on and off for maybe 2 years or a bit more. We've been together since summer this time around, and in the past we've been very serious, and are coming around again I believe (i hope). Although, she still dates other guys from time to time, we spend most of the time together.. she's a free spirt type, so its hard I guess to keep her "all for myself", so I guess you could say we have a slightly open relationship... which is fine, really. I never minded.

Everything is ok, I guess... but Im starting to notice things by and by, that make me wonder if she has a domme side, and is trying to bring about a D/s type relationship. I know the answer is that we probably just need to discuss it, but I wanted some opinions from the outside first... so here is some of the stuff that goes on..

I think she is into humiliation a bit. Sometimes after sex when we are just laying there talking or just chilling out, she will tease me and talk about one of the other guys she goes out with and how he is in bed. She has mentioned everything from how long the others can go to how "hung" they are. She doesnt do it in a cruel way, but in a more teasing manner I guess. Somehow it bothers me, but in another its sort of arousing I guess. Although I know she dates other guys, I dont necessarily want to think about it 24/7 although Im secure with it.

Another thing that is kind of odd, I guess. We live at the beach, and during the summer we'd go out in the afternoon (pretty secluded area) and she would have me tag along with her and a few girlfriends. Now I used to swim in school and have a pretty decent body and tan, and she suggested one day I wear a pair of my competition swim trunks (ie speedos). When we got to where her friends were, they all would giggle a bit together. The part of all this the most humiliating was that she would have me go and fetch drinks, or lotion, or whatever they wanted. I was basically at their beckoning call. But I would lie there with them, or sit, and they would constantly talk "girl talk". Giggling and whispering about the guys my gf is dating. She does the same when we are all out as a group of friends, like at a bar or wherever.


Now, dont get me wrong, I love the girl. And she loves me too. We have a healthy relationship, IMO, but this new stuff that she does and way she acts is a bit new and different to me. I kinda like it, but not sure what to make of it all. Any suggestions before I ask her?

You say you like it.. sort of..

Somehow it bothers me, but in another its sort of arousing I guess.

maybe that is what it is, that this is her domme side coming out and that she's getting off on the humiliation

Or maybe she just gets off on the fact that she can do and say those things to you and you dont appear to object...

I'd say talk to her about it. Really. Honestly. because all of those times where.. the "I guess".. and "Sort of".. come in.. well at least, speaking for me.. each time where I seem to tack on "I guess" at the end.. a little bit of bitterness builds up and then I snap at people because of all those times where it hurt or embarrassed more than enticed.

She reminds me of my best female friend, to be honest. She thought nothing of bossing around and embarrassing her husband in front of the rest of us... berating him and then kissing him like everything was ok... it could have been because he liked it.. it could have been because SHE liked it.. but.. now that they're divorced.. I can tell you that it's because she despised him and he disgusted her and she just loved being mean to him, hoping he'd leave her

 

[tollboothjack]

very interesting points you have made.

i dont think its her trying to rid herself of me. we arent married or living together now, and im not pressuring at all to her, so i doubt thats it. she acts very much interested and wanting to pursue things.

i have however asked why she still sees the couple of other guys she still sees (there's 2 of them she still sees). she told me she needs to be able to have her "fun". she told me that she isnt going to give her boys up, regardless (even if we do marry), and she made it clear they stay in her life.

now here's where it gets weird... i thought, i guess, that since i am her boyfriend and those other guys are only for "fun", then i was probably her favorite all around. well, on the beach one afternoon, i over heard her telling one of her friends how one of the guys (a tall, think blonde hair surfer looking guy.. although he doesnt surf...haha). she was saying how he had the most incredible, biggest cock she has ever had. at first it felt kinda sick, but then i felt my own (apparently smaller) cock pulsing under my swim briefs, as it was a turn on to hear that.

she has told me that she is in love with me and needs me b/c i am understanding, kind to her, gentleman-like, romantic, and emotionally her partner. she tells me she likes me more in touch with my feminine side and more metrosexual (for lack of better term). she said, basically, those were her "studs" in the bedroom (my words, but you get the drift). she doesnt want to be with them, she says, in a relationship, and im cool with it and understand. she's a smoking hot, blonde..almost supermodel beauty. amazing.... i cant imagine things without her actually.

 

[twysted73]

There's someone for everyone...

It's amazing how we all instinctively seek out and locate others. How these two closet Pyl/pyl's naturally found and enjoy one another without even undestanding their own natures.
Best of luck to you. Just keep your eyes open for sharks in the water. The second you feel taken for granted or advantage of, that's when you need to stop being a nice guy and seriously step back from the situation and re-evaluate things.

 

[unfoundiamond]

I think...

I just had to add something I have been thinking...

I was under the impression part of the whole D/s thing is talking about boundaries and limits and making it consentual(not play by play, I realize, but like general types of things that are okay, or don't feel good, like Humiliation is a general topic for example)...

It sounds like the way you communicate is outstanding when it comes to the "open relationship", and She is pretty forthright, So why if the belittling about you(rs) is borderline not cool, Why is this something that hasn't been discussed with her?

I am just curious and in no way mean to judge....

I just think it sounds like you want to do more, and though you have been in a relationship for a few years, that's not always enough to assume she knows all your boundaries and how somethings make you feel. I have been in a live in vanilla relationship for 4 years now, and we tried to expiriment without talking things out, and he ended up hurting me, and further killing our broken trust...

That's all...

Good Luck,

And Ps~ don't forget your feelings matter!

 

[lil_slave_rose]

I have been with the same girl on and off for maybe 2 years or a bit more. We've been together since summer this time around, and in the past we've been very serious, and are coming around again I believe (i hope). Although, she still dates other guys from time to time, we spend most of the time together.. she's a free spirt type, so its hard I guess to keep her "all for myself", so I guess you could say we have a slightly open relationship... which is fine, really. I never minded.

Everything is ok, I guess... but Im starting to notice things by and by, that make me wonder if she has a domme side, and is trying to bring about a D/s type relationship. I know the answer is that we probably just need to discuss it, but I wanted some opinions from the outside first... so here is some of the stuff that goes on..

I think she is into humiliation a bit. Sometimes after sex when we are just laying there talking or just chilling out, she will tease me and talk about one of the other guys she goes out with and how he is in bed. She has mentioned everything from how long the others can go to how "hung" they are. She doesnt do it in a cruel way, but in a more teasing manner I guess. Somehow it bothers me, but in another its sort of arousing I guess. Although I know she dates other guys, I dont necessarily want to think about it 24/7 although Im secure with it.

Another thing that is kind of odd, I guess. We live at the beach, and during the summer we'd go out in the afternoon (pretty secluded area) and she would have me tag along with her and a few girlfriends. Now I used to swim in school and have a pretty decent body and tan, and she suggested one day I wear a pair of my competition swim trunks (ie speedos). When we got to where her friends were, they all would giggle a bit together. The part of all this the most humiliating was that she would have me go and fetch drinks, or lotion, or whatever they wanted. I was basically at their beckoning call. But I would lie there with them, or sit, and they would constantly talk "girl talk". Giggling and whispering about the guys my gf is dating. She does the same when we are all out as a group of friends, like at a bar or wherever.


Now, dont get me wrong, I love the girl. And she loves me too. We have a healthy relationship, IMO, but this new stuff that she does and way she acts is a bit new and different to me. I kinda like it, but not sure what to make of it all. Any suggestions before I ask her?

honestly, and i've not read the other replies here so i'm going with only my opinion from your original post, i think it sounds more like she's getting her rocks off and having fun at your expense. obviously i don't know her and i don't know the full situation but what i DO know is that D/s is consensual and usually things like this are negotiated. to me if you have not negotiated this kind of 'treatment' and she's doing it out of the blue, it just doesn't seem all that D/s 'ish to me.....to me it sounds like she just likes to get a reaction out of you about all these other guys she dates. *shrugs* i could be wrong, but it's the way i take it. and i know i wouldn't be in that relationship long if it were me. i also notice you said it turns you on 'you guess' the fact that you threw in that 'i guess' kinda makes me wonder if you only like it because you think she wants you to.....i don't know, i say talk to her......

 

[lil_slave_rose]

very interesting points you have made.

i dont think its her trying to rid herself of me. we arent married or living together now, and im not pressuring at all to her, so i doubt thats it. she acts very much interested and wanting to pursue things.

i have however asked why she still sees the couple of other guys she still sees (there's 2 of them she still sees). she told me she needs to be able to have her "fun". she told me that she isnt going to give her boys up, regardless (even if we do marry), and she made it clear they stay in her life.

now here's where it gets weird... i thought, i guess, that since i am her boyfriend and those other guys are only for "fun", then i was probably her favorite all around. well, on the beach one afternoon, i over heard her telling one of her friends how one of the guys (a tall, think blonde hair surfer looking guy.. although he doesnt surf...haha). she was saying how he had the most incredible, biggest cock she has ever had. at first it felt kinda sick, but then i felt my own (apparently smaller) cock pulsing under my swim briefs, as it was a turn on to hear that.

she has told me that she is in love with me and needs me b/c i am understanding, kind to her, gentleman-like, romantic, and emotionally her partner. she tells me she likes me more in touch with my feminine side and more metrosexual (for lack of better term). she said, basically, those were her "studs" in the bedroom (my words, but you get the drift). she doesnt want to be with them, she says, in a relationship, and im cool with it and understand. she's a smoking hot, blonde..almost supermodel beauty. amazing.... i cant imagine things without her actually.

*shrugs* ya know, i really am getting the feeling that she's not into 'you' shes into humiliating you because you are nice, sweet, understanding guy who obviously will take her mean words and turn them into something else. *shrugs* if they are her "STUDS" then what exactly are you?? i mean if they are better in bed and she refuses to give them up because of this, then why is she even bothering with you? just some things maybe you should be looking at before deciding this is who you want to spend the rest of your life with. it doesn't sound Domme'ish to me. and the fact that she is a 'smoking hot blonde, almost super model type' has to do with what exactly? looks are only skin deep ya know, i don't know she just sounds more like a bitch than a Domme.....but that's just my opinion, no matter how unpopular it's going to be....

 

[Homburg]

honestly, and i've not read the other replies here so i'm going with only my opinion from your original post, i think it sounds more like she's getting her rocks off and having fun at your expense. obviously i don't know her and i don't know the full situation but what i DO know is that D/s is consensual and usually things like this are negotiated. to me if you have not negotiated this kind of 'treatment' and she's doing it out of the blue, it just doesn't seem all that D/s 'ish to me.....to me it sounds like she just likes to get a reaction out of you about all these other guys she dates. *shrugs* i could be wrong, but it's the way i take it. and i know i wouldn't be in that relationship long if it were me. i also notice you said it turns you on 'you guess' the fact that you threw in that 'i guess' kinda makes me wonder if you only like it because you think she wants you to.....i don't know, i say talk to her......

Someone with D/s tendencies is going to act on those tendencies, and not have a clue about negotiation, consensuality, etc. The woman he's talking about is probably Dominant, and is just doing what comes natural to her. What you are judging her harshly for is most likely just ignorance.

While I agree that what is goin gon is uncool from our perspective, it's not like there's a rulebook that all Dominants get at birth.

To the OP, talk to her. Ask.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Someone with D/s tendencies is going to act on those tendencies, and not have a clue about negotiation, consensuality, etc. The woman he's talking about is probably Dominant, and is just doing what comes natural to her. What you are judging her harshly for is most likely just ignorance.

While I agree that what is goin gon is uncool from our perspective, it's not like there's a rulebook that all Dominants get at birth.

To the OP, talk to her. Ask.

*nods* i realize there are no rule books (for either side by the way) but i also know there are those women out there who (and yes, they are usually the 'smokin hot blonde almost super model types) like to manipulate the 'good guys' because they are beautiful and they knwo they are and they know that the men will take it because they dont' want to lose them. does that make sense? i'm not judging per se, i'm giving my opinion based on what he has posted. again i realize my opinions are not popular ones *shrugs* i also know i could be way off base....and hopefully i am. but i also notice he doesn't seem to be 'ok' with what is going on because he continuously uses phrases like 'i guess' and 'sort of'..i do wish them the best of luck

 

[Homburg]

*nods* i realize there are no rule books (for either side by the way) but i also know there are those women out there who (and yes, they are usually the 'smokin hot blonde almost super model types) like to manipulate the 'good guys' because they are beautiful and they knwo they are and they know that the men will take it because they dont' want to lose them. does that make sense? i'm not judging per se, i'm giving my opinion based on what he has posted. again i realize my opinions are not popular ones *shrugs* i also know i could be way off base....and hopefully i am. but i also notice he doesn't seem to be 'ok' with what is going on because he continuously uses phrases like 'i guess' and 'sort of'..i do wish them the best of luck

I gotcha, and I see where you're coming from. The OP does strike me as one of those 'good guy' types that tends to get crapped on by woman like this. Then again, if he is reacting with some sexual arousal, he may indeed by a submissive, and it may be the sort of treatment that works for him. I think it is a worthwhile question for him to ask himself, regardless of her worth as a partner.

I don't care for women like that either, generally speaking, but, hey, I'm not submissive, so I'm not likely to dig that sorta relationship.

 

[EmpressFi]

Tollboothjack,

You know what I think about how she treats you and what we discussed. If you need to talk..anytime, let me know. you know where to find me.

But I do think the next step to take is talk to her. Find out her motivation for the way she treats you

 

[nh23]

I have been with the same girl on and off for maybe 2 years or a bit more. We've been together since summer this time around, and in the past we've been very serious, and are coming around again I believe (i hope). Although, she still dates other guys from time to time, we spend most of the time together.. she's a free spirt type, so its hard I guess to keep her "all for myself", so I guess you could say we have a slightly open relationship... which is fine, really. I never minded.

Everything is ok, I guess... but Im starting to notice things by and by, that make me wonder if she has a domme side, and is trying to bring about a D/s type relationship. I know the answer is that we probably just need to discuss it, but I wanted some opinions from the outside first... so here is some of the stuff that goes on..

I think she is into humiliation a bit. Sometimes after sex when we are just laying there talking or just chilling out, she will tease me and talk about one of the other guys she goes out with and how he is in bed. She has mentioned everything from how long the others can go to how "hung" they are. She doesnt do it in a cruel way, but in a more teasing manner I guess. Somehow it bothers me, but in another its sort of arousing I guess. Although I know she dates other guys, I dont necessarily want to think about it 24/7 although Im secure with it.

Another thing that is kind of odd, I guess. We live at the beach, and during the summer we'd go out in the afternoon (pretty secluded area) and she would have me tag along with her and a few girlfriends. Now I used to swim in school and have a pretty decent body and tan, and she suggested one day I wear a pair of my competition swim trunks (ie speedos). When we got to where her friends were, they all would giggle a bit together. The part of all this the most humiliating was that she would have me go and fetch drinks, or lotion, or whatever they wanted. I was basically at their beckoning call. But I would lie there with them, or sit, and they would constantly talk "girl talk". Giggling and whispering about the guys my gf is dating. She does the same when we are all out as a group of friends, like at a bar or wherever.


Now, dont get me wrong, I love the girl. And she loves me too. We have a healthy relationship, IMO, but this new stuff that she does and way she acts is a bit new and different to me. I kinda like it, but not sure what to make of it all. Any suggestions before I ask her?

This is just my opinion..she may have a domme side to her..or she could just be mean. I know someone (I think Fi )mentioned a woman that did this because she was just trying to be mean to bring things to an end. I can see that. I have seen that. Women/Men who are just doing everything they can to push the other person away. I'm with Fi on the fact that it's an issue that you kinda like it, or that some of it bothers you. Since there is no D/s dynamic in place right now. I would say that you should talk to her. If a D/s dynamic is what both of you want then you can set up limits and boundaries. Then at least you will know if she's doing these things because you both enjoy them, or if she's just doing them to be mean.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

I gotcha, and I see where you're coming from. The OP does strike me as one of those 'good guy' types that tends to get crapped on by woman like this. Then again, if he is reacting with some sexual arousal, he may indeed by a submissive, and it may be the sort of treatment that works for him. I think it is a worthwhile question for him to ask himself, regardless of her worth as a partner.

I don't care for women like that either, generally speaking, but, hey, I'm not submissive, so I'm not likely to dig that sorta relationship.

*smiles* i am submissive, and i don't dig that kind of treatment, though i know there are those who do enjoy it a great deal. i guess my point was that maybe he just needs to re-evaluate and make sure that he really is liking it and not just 'putting up' with it in fear of losing a 'smokin hot blonde super model type'

 

[MasterPhoenix]

Dude... I don't know you or her so its hard to comment too much... granted, I see more red flags than May Day at the Kremlin circa 1953, but thats just me.

Ask yourself the following questions:

1) Are you TRULY happy with the way things are playing out in the relationship?

2) Would the same things be cool if she wasn't a smokin hot near supermodel?

3) To you TRULY enjoy the things she is doing to you?

If you answered no to any of the above, I would recommend rethinking things.

But thats just me.

 

[Homburg]

*smiles* i am submissive, and i don't dig that kind of treatment, though i know there are those who do enjoy it a great deal. i guess my point was that maybe he just needs to re-evaluate and make sure that he really is liking it and not just 'putting up' with it in fear of losing a 'smokin hot blonde super model type'

true that, though I've never been one to fear losing that sort of hotness. She'll get old and saggy eventually. Beauty fades, bitch is eternal.

 

[nh23]

true that, though I've never been one to fear losing that sort of hotness. She'll get old and saggy eventually. Beauty fades, bitch is eternal.

lol..*nods*

 

[Netzach]

If you're getting a stiffie when it happens, you likely share her fetish more than you want to let on. I don't think you're as deeply conflicted as you say you are, more horrified that thinking about big cock gives you wood.

It's called "cuckolding." And it can be the best of all worlds for all people involved.

Enjoy.

And sometimes it can all be spelled out, but not everyone has to negotiate everything to death. I'm also one who made it clear that if my husband ever got the impression he'd be the only one he could get lost, it's not happening. I spelled that out on date two lest there ever be any misunderstanding.

If that makes you happy, then you're in the right spot. If that makes you miserable, then you know everything you need to know and your misery's on your OWN head.

 

[Netzach]

true that, though I've never been one to fear losing that sort of hotness. She'll get old and saggy eventually. Beauty fades, bitch is eternal.

For some of us that's a positive thing.

 

[Netzach]

This is just my opinion..she may have a domme side to her..or she could just be mean. I know someone (I think Fi )mentioned a woman that did this because she was just trying to be mean to bring things to an end. I can see that. I have seen that. Women/Men who are just doing everything they can to push the other person away. I'm with Fi on the fact that it's an issue that you kinda like it, or that some of it bothers you. Since there is no D/s dynamic in place right now. I would say that you should talk to her. If a D/s dynamic is what both of you want then you can set up limits and boundaries. Then at least you will know if she's doing these things because you both enjoy them, or if she's just doing them to be mean.

Maybe she is doing them because SHE enjoys them. Not to be mean. Not to get him off. Because she likes it.

You know, that Dominant personality thing everyone talks about...

 

[Homburg]

For some of us that's a positive thing.

This true, Netzach. It's not my phrase, just parroting it for effect. And, frankly, I get a lot of mileage out of the male version of same. It actively pays for me to be an asshole.

 

[nh23]

Maybe she is doing them because SHE enjoys them. Not to be mean. Not to get him off. Because she likes it.
You know, that Dominant personality thing everyone talks about...

Yeah, you're right. I guess it's up to him to decide if it's his thing or not.

 

[Netzach]

Yeah, you're right. I guess it's up to him to decide if it's his thing or not.

Pretty much.

IME, stiff dick doesn't tell lies, but only the dick in question knows for sure.

 

[Jaydoes]

my opinion....

personally...I think she's playing him. Why wouldn't she want to keep him around? He's gives here the emotional/romantic stuff that she wants and he doesn't bitch when she bangs someone that she thinks is hotter than he is.
For her, its the best of both worlds, she gets to enjoy her hotness have sex with whoever she wants and when they recognize that she's just playing around with them and react accordingly...she just runs back to her "sweet guy" for consolation.
When someone treats you as if your feelings don't matter, does things that are humiliating or non-caring without knowing or particularly caring if the other person is into it...that's not bdsm...that's just being uncaring and selfish.
What really gets me though...is how he encourages her by wearing his speedo's and letting her and her friends see that humiliating him makes him hard and doesn't even realize they're just making fun of him.

and for you.....dude, she's using you and trying to make you like it...she doesn't love you...she just wants to keep you around so when her ego gets bruised by the jerky sex guys...she can use you to make her feel better.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

personally...I think she's playing him. Why wouldn't she want to keep him around? He's gives here the emotional/romantic stuff that she wants and he doesn't bitch when she bangs someone that she thinks is hotter than he is.
For her, its the best of both worlds, she gets to enjoy her hotness have sex with whoever she wants and when they recognize that she's just playing around with them and react accordingly...she just runs back to her "sweet guy" for consolation.
When someone treats you as if your feelings don't matter, does things that are humiliating or non-caring without knowing or particularly caring if the other person is into it...that's not bdsm...that's just being uncaring and selfish.
What really gets me though...is how he encourages her by wearing his speedo's and letting her and her friends see that humiliating him makes him hard and doesn't even realize they're just making fun of him.

and for you.....dude, she's using you and trying to make you like it...she doesn't love you...she just wants to keep you around so when her ego gets bruised by the jerky sex guys...she can use you to make her feel better.

*nods,nods* this is my opinion also, and pretty much what i was trying to say but without exactly 'going there' thank you for saying it much better than i.....hopefully though we are both wrong, and its' like everyone else is saying *shrugs* best of luck to them is the last thing imma say

 

[GentleSub_Ivy]

Dude... I don't know you or her so its hard to comment too much... granted, I see more red flags than May Day at the Kremlin circa 1953, but thats just me.

Ask yourself the following questions:

1) Are you TRULY happy with the way things are playing out in the relationship?

2) Would the same things be cool if she wasn't a smokin hot near supermodel?

3) To you TRULY enjoy the things she is doing to you?

If you answered no to any of the above, I would recommend rethinking things.

But thats just me.

I really think MP gave you the best questions to ask yourself, stiff dick or not. Of course, like everyone else says, asking her what she is thinking is the best thing.