Ahh!! My First Approoved Submission!!!

[Pompeii]

I'm so excited!!! I'm so happy!!! I've been trying off and on so long . . . And its a daddy babygirl one!!! XD

Would love if you gave some feedback.

Thank you whoever approved me!!!

 

[PennLady]

I'm so excited!!! I'm so happy!!! I've been trying off and on so long . . . And its a daddy babygirl one!!! XD

Would love if you gave some feedback.

Thank you whoever approved me!!!

Many would be happy to give you feedback, and it would help if you posted a link to your story here. You may have a link in your sig, but many (myself included) do not display sigs.

 

[sr71plt]

http://www.literotica.com/s/a-playful-bet-with-daddy

It comes across to me as underage. And some won't like the present-tense, pseudo second person aspect of it or how short it is. As written, neither bothered me. You broke tense just once that I could see in a quick read.

"Daddy" should be capitalized in direct address and there was a misuse of "pass."

I liked the cucumber play.

But it comes across to me as underage.

 

[Pompeii]

http://www.literotica.com/s/a-playful-bet-with-daddy

It comes across to me as underage. And some won't like the present-tense, pseudo second person aspect of it or how short it is. As written, neither bothered me. You broke tense just once that I could see in a quick read.

"Daddy" should be capitalized in direct address and there was a misuse of "pass."

I liked the cucumber play.

But it comes across to me as underage.

Hi!!

Thanks so much for your thoughts shared.

Since underage isn't something I'm going for, I'll keep in mind to better cement the age of the.adult babygirl, not just the age gap between them.

Will fix words!

 

[sweet_lusciousdesire]

...........................

 

[MyRubiLips]

I wouldn't expect to get much positive input from people around here. Mostly jibberish and rude abusive comments. Just beware.

You're the rude, abusive one.

 

[sweet_lusciousdesire]

.................

 

[PennLady]

It seemed well-written enough to me. I did notice once at the end where the dad refers to "her baby girl" and it should have been his. Personally I didn't care for the narrator; underage or not, I don't like that kind of ... well it struck me as a spoiled baby girl attitude, which I'm sure is right for the story, but I don't like it. Others will, I'm sure. I didn't care for the I/you construction (it doesn't seem too popular in general) but that's again a personal preference.

 

[desertslave]

I'm not keen on the I/you style either, but you managed it well. I think you're off to a good start!

 

[lluvsu]

ty

I'm not keen on the I/you style either, but you managed it well. I think you're off to a good start!

what now?

 

[joelafayette]

.....

 

[tommyevans]

[spam/advertising of offsite links prohibited per our forum guidelines]

 

[sr71plt]

Interesting way to sneak in a spam link there, TommyE.