Ageism in BDSM

[Ms_Lilith]

Do you believe that it exists? How does it manifest itself in your experience?

Perhaps it's that I find people older than me have more life experience, more history to draw on, but I've always found that I have difficulty submitting to those younger than myself.

I'm a switch, and have never had a problem Dominating anyone older than myself, or younger than myself.. which I suppose may come across as somewhat hypocritical.

I'm having difficulty articulating this... but perhaps you know what I mean...

 

[naxalite0906]

I know exactly what you mean MS.

I have found it difficult being a dom at my age. You are instantly thought of as inexperienced. Plus, like you said, some people are just unwilling to have a dom who is younger than them.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Just in all areas in life you will find people who have preconceived ideas about such things which they use to guide their choices. I never had an issue with age when I was looking, and unexpectedly ended up submitting to a Master 9 years my junior. It levels itself out....he has experience in some things, I have experience in some things, we combine each of our life experiences and lessons and use them to build our future.

Catalina

 

[naxalite0906]

Just in all areas in life you will find people who have preconceived ideas about such things which they use to guide their choices. I never had an issue with age when I was looking, and unexpectedly ended up submitting to a Master 9 years my junior. It levels itself out....he has experience in some things, I have experience in some things, we combine each of our life experiences and lessons and use them to build our future.

Catalina

Thats how the thinking should be.. but obviously not everyone is open to this..

 

[W_MA_DWM]

Do you believe that it exists? How does it manifest itself in your experience?

Perhaps it's that I find people older than me have more life experience, more history to draw on, but I've always found that I have difficulty submitting to those younger than myself.

I'm a switch, and have never had a problem Dominating anyone older than myself, or younger than myself.. which I suppose may come across as somewhat hypocritical.

I'm having difficulty articulating this... but perhaps you know what I mean...

I think you made your point clearly enough. I am also a "switch" and feel about the same way as you do. I really can't see myself submitting to a person that is a lot younger than I am. Maybe to a younger woman, yes.

On the other side of my persona, I also can be Dom to someone older than me.

I should point out that I'm not really into the BDSM scene on either side of my personas. I prefer to treat and be treated in a loving manner for the most part. I will admit that I have been somewhat harsh with at least one woman. She loved it!

Ms_Lilith, I have a question for you. Which do you prefer to be - the Domme or the sub?

 

[BiBunny]

Yes, I do see ageism in the lifestyle, but I will admit that I'm just as guilty of it as anyone else. Age limits are one of the few hard-and-fast rules I have. Obviously, the minimum age will be 18, but my maximum age is 35 or so. (There are, however, some folks on Lit I'd definitely be willing to bend that for. I mostly have that rule in place to fend off the dirty old men on the personals sites.)

As a switch, I, too, find that it's easier for me to submit to someone who's older and dominate someone who's younger, as a general rule. It's awfully hard to find younger, legal subs, though, because I'm only 23 myself! B. is 29, but now that we've been together as long as we have, I don't have any trouble adopting either role with him, though I still do prefer being submissive.

My profiles on the personals sites specify that I'm a switch. I still have far more dominants contacting me than submissives, and I think that part of the reason for that is my age. It would be pretty damn hypocritical of me to get upset about it, though.

 

[Yang4yin]

... but my maximum age is 35 or so... I mostly have that rule in place to fend off the dirty old men on the personals sites.

But, I'm not on any personals sites!

 

[WriterDom]

I don't thing it's ageism that people have preferences. A 35 year old sub isn't going to hang with an 18 yr old Dom and get spanked with a skate board. What are they going to talk about?

There are young subs looking for older Doms. There are young subs that are very specific about their age limit.

 

[catalina_francisco]

A 35 year old sub isn't going to hang with an 18 yr old Dom and get spanked with a skate board. What are they going to talk about?

LOL, I could say the same about the reverse, but there still seem to be a lot of male Doms in their 30-50's+ who are more than happy to snare an 18-25 yo female sub and won't settle for anyone remotely near their own age...go figure.

Catalina

 

[BiBunny]

But, I'm not on any personals sites!

LOL, you're one of the dirty old men on Lit I'd make an exception for.

 

[Chicklet]

I've been flamed for my agism before - I don't just want a dom, i want a boyfriend, and i'm still only interested in men around my own age. I'm simply not looking for someone older than 32 or so - they just don't appeal to me yet. I like experienced people, but more, i want people with life experiences similar to mine. it's a big thing for me, age. And while I don't mind being flamed for it, it still surprises me when the huge numbers of people try to rip me new assholes for being upfront about not wanting to date someone 8+ yrs older than I am.

 

[shy slave]

Dom or not, I have always preferred older men.

I do wonder if I would struggle to submit to a younger man, but then I read posts from younger Doms (like Marquis) and think I am being stupid to even think that if he said jump I would consider not doing so!

I am sure it is more about attitude of the Dom or Domme in question, as oppose to age.

That said, I still prefer older men and I had it reaffirmed in the past few days that I would actually struggle to submit to anyone other than Andante.

(sometimes it is good to be reminded of such things)

 

[myinnerslut]

im 19 and A is 21, which makes us a young dom/sub couple. i do get people assuming im completly new at this, even though ive been in a real, physical and mental, honest to god D/s relationship for well over a year. i wear his collar around my neck. i dont keep a list of things ive done but i am not at all inexperienced. people dont see this though, they have trouble getting past the fact that im 19.

one of my close friends is a sub (my age) to a man many decades her senior. while not something i think i could do, she is enjoying herself immensely.

 

[CutieMouse]

Ageism? Ehhh... For me it's more than men my own age annoy the ever-lovin' crap out of me, and men younger than I am create this instant motherly calculation of how few years until my son is that age (shudder).

On the flip side, try being in your mid 30s, and enjoy the company of gentlemen 15-20 years older... young enough to be someone's daughter (which has been known to cause a few twitches), but far too old to for the steriotypical mid-life-crisis-lets-screw-the-college-co-ed thang.

 

[FurryFury]

It is difficult for me to believe that someone very young could know all the things I'd hope they'd know if they were my Dom. That doesn't mean that they aren't, or can't become, fine Doms.

It's not difficult for me to believe that a young person could dive into submission quite well. The age at which many start these days does surprise me. It makes me wish I'd had the internet at my finger tips when I was that age.

Other than that, I don't personally think about age and BDSM much.

Fury

 

[WriterDom]

This is not really a bdsm argument. Check out the typical "trophy" wife of the 50 year old divorced executive. It's almost always a "newer" model. And depending on how deep his pockets are, might very well be in the 18-22 year old range.

"it's faster horses, younger women, older whiskey, and more money"

To quote some Tom T. Hall lyrics

j is going to cringe if she reads this because she thinks I want a young one. I don't. I just like to look. I don't think most people get a brain until 25. And the last 25 year old broke my heart. I don't need that again.

 

[BiBunny]

I don't think most people get a brain until 25.

So I've got two more years before I wise up?

 

[FurryFury]

So I've got two more years before I wise up?

LOL!

Love that av!

You are H-O-T!

Fury

 

[Evil_Geoff]

... it still surprises me when the huge numbers of people try to rip me new assholes for being upfront about not wanting to date someone 8+ yrs older than I am.

*chuckles evilly*

I'm sure DVS would agree with me on this thought...

It isn't so much we want to rip you a new one, as it is to do terrible, naughty things to the one you already have...

 

[Yang4yin]

LOL, you're one of the dirty old men on Lit I'd make an exception for.

NOTE TO SELF: Start stalking BiBunny.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Ms_Lilith, I have a question for you. Which do you prefer to be - the Domme or the sub?

First, to answer this question- I prefer to submit, but certain people bring out my Domme side... and I'm very skilled in both roles.

Now then- I want to thank everyone for their input into this thread- I do appreciate your time and effort in answering my ill-formed question.

I suppose I should point out that I have always enjoyed older men, even and most often, outside of BDSM roles. Most of my male friends are a good 10 years older than myself, and I've been with men as old as 28 years older than myself. And they were wonderful. My partner is just a few years older than me, so I can do quite well with people my own age, but I just don't tend to get along with men younger than I am. I get along much better with older women as well.

Hm. Weird.

I'm sorry, I'm rambling, and I'm distracted. Stupid television interviews.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I've been flamed for my agism before - I don't just want a dom, i want a boyfriend, and i'm still only interested in men around my own age. I'm simply not looking for someone older than 32 or so - they just don't appeal to me yet. I like experienced people, but more, i want people with life experiences similar to mine. it's a big thing for me, age. And while I don't mind being flamed for it, it still surprises me when the huge numbers of people try to rip me new assholes for being upfront about not wanting to date someone 8+ yrs older than I am.

I can't imagine why anyone would flame you for making choices for yourself. I prefer men my own age or close to for exactly the same reason(s) you do (and I highlighted that in red). And lucky for me, right now I've got a couple of them. ;-)

I don't see anything wrong with knowing what you want in a partner. In fact, I applaud you for it. There are lots of people who haven't got a clue until they find out they are in too deep.

 

[BiBunny]

LOL!

Love that av!

You are H-O-T!

Fury

Thank you. *Blush*

 

[serijules]

I too have age preferences and I am not ashamed of them. I'm also the first to admit there ARE exceptions, and I am not too closed minded to see those exceptions when they come around. My opinion I'm about to state is a "general rule" for me.

I have always had friends, doms and domme's in the scene that are older than me, often by 20 years or more. However few have ever been younger than me. I am attracted to wisdom and maturity, and thus far I have found those traits mostly in those older than me. Not to say I avoid people younger than me I just don't seem to find myself having much in common with younger people.

My owner is 9 years older than me. My sub sister is 29 years older than me. The one relationship I had with someone only a few years older than me didn't last long because I couldn't deal with some of her immaturity issues. I found myself often thinking "I wish she would act her age". Not exactly a great thing to be thinking about one's Domme.

Age preferences change as I get older too. I used to say I wouldn't be likely to play with those under the age of 22. Now that age has gone up to 26 or so. (I am 29). 18-23 range is still too much "young adult" for me to relate and connect to other than as friends. Friends can come in any age. Intimate relationships are a different story. It is just a preference. Just like I have many friends of both genders with no preference, the same goes for age. When it comes to relationships and kinky play, my preference is very much geared towards women and older women at that.

Experience also is important to me. I am not comfortable with people that think a year of fun and play is "experience". Not to say I never have played with people with little experience...I have many times, but those people were ALWAYS honest in the fact that they didn't have much experience and were hoping our interactions would be a learning opportunity as well as an entertaining one for both of us. That kind of honesty and self-understanding is a sign of maturity.

I so often see 18-25 year old range claiming that they are full of wisdom and maturity and experience based on what to me is just a drop in the bucket of each. That is a turn off for me, and why that age bracket is usually something I approach with caution and doubt until proved wrong. *shrugs* I just can't argue with what my own experiences have shown me, fair or not.

Of course, as I've said, there are always exceptions.

I also come to these conclusions from realizing how much *I* grew and changed over the years. When I first started exploring my interests at age 18, I was considered very mature by most that met me, which helped me meet a lot of really wonderful mentors and friends. However, when I look back at what I thought was mature and how I defined experience then, it differs very much from now. Now I have real maturity and real experience based on time, a lot of lessons learned and years of exposure to different people, events, situations and whatnot that have shaped me from a beginner to what I am now (which is someone with a lot of room to grow yet!).

 

[Zinfandel]

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