Again/Before (10/9/02)

[PoliteSuccubus]

I drempt of you again
Tho you are banished from my waking hours
And again you were my friend
And again we laughed and talked
And touches became gentle
Words whispered
And again you were my lover
And again I was complete.
But morning comes again
And I make up my mind
Like I make up my bed
Smoothing the rumples and wrinkles
To a smoothness that belies what went on before.
To the untrained eye it would seem no one had slept there before
Or loved here before.

 

[Cloudbrst9]

I drempt of you again
Tho you are banished from my waking hours
And again you were my friend
And again we laughed and talked
And touches became gentle
Words whispered
And again you were my lover
And again I was complete.
But morning comes again
And I make up my mind
Like I make up my bed
Smoothing the rumples and wrinkles
To a smoothness that belies what went on before.
To the untrained eye it would seem no one had slept there before
Or loved here before.

Very nice, Polite.

I like this one very much, and miracle of miracles (for me, anyway) I understand this one easily. In fact, much of it is beautiful. I'm no pro at this, but that's my feeling for it.

cb9

 

[Guest]

Very well written....

 

[PoliteSuccubus]

Thank you both

Perhaps you would like another? Again/Before was written at the end of a relationship, this one was written while struggleing to deside to even start the relationship in the frist place, knowing it was doomed:

Temptation equals Desperation 10/01


Temptation equals Desperation
To want and not have,
Torture
To have and be reviled,
Pain
If only bliss were an impenatrable cocoon,
And all other connections severed by the totality of one
Pure
but unholy thing
That I should not need nor want anything, but this bliss
But it is not so
I live in a world not of my making
To reject Bliss is to also reject Pain
The dull ache of want better than the sharp cut of
Rejection
By all those I have loved and respected and been respected by
Before

 

[Angeline]

Feedback

Hi Polite, nice to see you--I believe we met in the stories and authors room in chat here recently. I liked your poem very much; you have a good feel, imho, for putting words together in powerful ways. I have a few suggestions that I think would bring out more of the potential I see in this poem.

Again/Before (10/9/02)

I drempt of you again
Tho you are banished from my waking hours
And again you were my friend
And again we laughed and talked
And touches became gentle
Words whispered
And again you were my lover
And again I was complete.
But morning comes again
And I make up my mind
Like I make up my bed
Smoothing the rumples and wrinkles
To a smoothness that belies what went on before.
To the untrained eye it would seem no one had slept there before
Or loved here before.


Point 1:
I tend to be verbose in my poems, but have learned from my friends here that less is usually more in poetry. It helps to look at every word that does not convey either an image or an action and say, "Do I really need this?" I think you can lose some of the "ands" and other little words here and strengthen your poem.

Point 2
Simple constructions are usually powerful. You have a few spots where you can pare back what you are saying.

To the untrained eye it would seem no one had slept there before

I think you could recast this as:

To untrained eye it seems no one was in this bed before

Point 3
Check for typos, imprecise word choices, and other errors. If you want fresh eyes to see it before you post it, bring it here. We'll help!

Point 4
Sometimes putting in extra lines can be effective, like a signpost to the reader that says this is important.

(And forgive me if you find my suggestions too much--I'm a former English teacher--I can't help myself!)

Put these all together and I get:

I dreamed of you again
though banished from my days
again you were my friend
again we laughed and talked.

Touches became gentle
words became whispered
and again you were my lover.

Again I was complete.

Morning comes again
and I make up my mind
like I make up my bed,
smoothing rumples and wrinkles
to belie what came before.

To untrained eye it seems
no one was in this bed

or loved here before.

 

[PoliteSuccubus]

Thank you, and yes, we met before. Most of your comments were very helpful, tho one, for the sake of this poem, I disagree:

To the untrained eye it would seem no one had slept there before

I think you could recast this as:

To untrained eye it seems no one was in this bed before

I chose the words I did to reflect many levels of meaning I ment at the time.

One of which, the person who I was then when I slept there with my lover before compared to the non person I am now.

I also didn't want to undermine the words I repeated on purpose for a point with repeating a word without purpose.

And in this sentence the word "bed" means something entirely diff than "slept" IE having sex.

*and yes, I can't spell, I have an LD, but I refuse to let it keep me from writing*

 

[Angeline]

Bed/Slept

I'm glad you found my comments helpful. They are typical of the kind of critiquing we do for each other here. The general assumption is that if you post a poem here, you want critical specific feedback that will improve it (as opposed to vague praise or disapproval) . Of course, the poet knows best what meaning he or she intends, and any comment from a review is simply a suggestion based on what the reviewer saw in the poem. We all know it's up to the poet to take a suggestion or not.

We all learn from each other this way--I post poems here too and, when I do, anyone and everyone is welcome to give feedback (take a look at the haiku link thread if you want to see some I got recently).

And I do understand about the spelling thing--my son is a very smart kid with an LD. We've struggled mightily with his school to try to get them help him show what he can do. (And I think everyone who loves writing should write and write and write.)I'm just trying to help, really.

 

[HomerPindar]

Re: Thank you both

Seeing as the always capable and talented Angeline p) beat me to the first poem, I figured I'd give this one a review ...

Perhaps you would like another? Again/Before was written at the end of a relationship, this one was written while struggleing to deside to even start the relationship in the frist place, knowing it was doomed:

Temptation equals Desperation 10/01


Temptation equals Desperation
To want and not have,
Torture
To have and be reviled,
Pain
If only bliss were an impenatrable cocoon,
And all other connections severed by the totality of one
Pure
but unholy thing
That I should not need nor want anything, but this bliss
But it is not so
I live in a world not of my making
To reject Bliss is to also reject Pain
The dull ache of want better than the sharp cut of
Rejection
By all those I have loved and respected and been respected by
Before

The begining is a bit cliche... the first thing I started seeing was in how certain words dont need to be done in words. This drastically changes the feel and look of the poem though, so feel free to ditch this look altogether

Temptation = Desperation
To want + Not have
Torture
To have + To be reviled
Pain

this makes the whole structure of the cliche into a rather cold and logical approach...but certainly no ones gonna see it as cliche this way

HomerPindar