Aftercare

[Kim_Burly]

I don't care for aftercare, because it symbolizes the end of something. To me, our relationship is continual. Plus, if I am being punished, I don't deserve aftercare and if it was fun, the pain, crying and humiliation is the good part. A thank you on my part is enough, for both of us.

Going through the whole wedding process has been a somewhat painful reminder that I come from a dysfunctional family, and I have "intimacy issues". That may explain part of it.

 

[Scrivener_]

I mostly just like to scrunch my face in my mister's chest for a little while after an intense time, but if I'm in subspace, I need much more "hand holding" - sometimes literally! I had sub drop happen to me once, and it was not pleasant, so now I've figured out that I need lots of cuddling and soft words and maybe a bath. Food, too, even something as simple as eggs and toast.

 

[Trinique_Fire]

Aftercare is really important to me. The other day, we weren't doing a scene or anything, but sex was particularly deep (no pun intended), and I found myself crying afterwards. At that point, having her there to cuddle made all the difference in the world.

I do remember after the last time we did a Domina/slave scene, it took me a while to move out of that head space and I remained introverted and quiet for quite a bit...

 

[Oubliette123]

I mostly just like to scrunch my face in my mister's chest for a little while after an intense time, but if I'm in subspace, I need much more "hand holding" - sometimes literally! I had sub drop happen to me once, and it was not pleasant, so now I've figured out that I need lots of cuddling and soft words and maybe a bath. Food, too, even something as simple as eggs and toast.

Yes food! I'm usually starving after

 

[Erochic]

All the information here was really interesting and helpful to me.

I was just trying to figure something out about something that may be something like this.
It's not really BDSM, but I think that you might have more insight here.

I'm in a loving but part time relationship where we have been playing a bit with control ... Mostly as it relates to teasing... pretty mild stuff really, but until now I've always needed to stay in control and would always have thought of myself as more dominant than submissive.
I have been finding that I enjoy being submissive and I enjoy my partner being what i call masterful. We've played pretty slowly with that... Especially after I panicked and feaked out after I had my hands tied behind me (lightweight I know).... but gradually I have become more comfortable.

We had an incredible session at a hotel recently that had some bondage equipment (we were trying to get a sex swing but that room was booked out). Until then we had pretty much played with scarves and just with words, but with the equipment thereit was so much fun to play with the cross and chains and just go really wild and have really wild sex ..... It was a crazy day - so much fun, such intense sensations. I felt like I was flying.

We did have a more intimate session in the middle of the day.... I turned all the lights off and we focused on each others bodies and the feelings.... And were close and sweet.

After that we kept on playing and exploring and going wild and having so much fun.... until we had to run out to go home.

We kept in touch with email as we always do, a number of times a day and things were okay, until I ended up getting upset about something. It wasn't that bad, but I was feeling oversensitive and off balance( and no it wasn't that time of the month). He also wasn't feeling very good about himself at that time, so he got very depressed about me getting upset.

We made it up luckily before we met again on Monday.... and we had the sweetest, romantic,very slow vanilla session together. I'm not usually a big fan of missionary and find it really does nothing for it... But I wanted missionary and all the touching and kissing and orgasmed like that. It was a kind of emotional orgasm rather than purely physical.
Afterwards I felt happy and peaceful and I felt grounded again.

I'm wondering if the wild sex session and going to my (admittedly very mild) limits in submission produced those feelings, which then were soothed by the vanilla session and the sweetness.
Perhaps he also was off balance .... Because he had been feeling bad about himself in general.
It's interesting for me to consider and keep in mind for the future

 

[dora_salonica]

The subject of aftercare is quite a thorny subject for BDSMers, as so little has actually been written about it and so few people talk meaningfully regarding the hows and whys.

I would like to bring to your attention a quirky little text written about aftercare by a Greek Master. This is it:


During a session, a submissive experiences a lot of sensations, feelings and thoughts of great intensity. It seems obvious that she needs some help to return to what we would call her normal condition. This help is what we call aftercare in BDSM.

The above statement seems to be very logical. What's more, it is accepted as true and is adopted by the vast majority of BDSMers. So vast that the paradigm I described before has become some kind of stereotype.

The problem with stereotypes is not that they are wrong. They're not. Most of the stereotypes we confront in everyday life are usually corroborated by obvious data available to anyone. The problem is that stereotypes some times tend to disregard some extremely important aspects of a situation, due to focusing on the general idea.

This is why I’d like to try and describe what happens in some detail, in order to deal with those aspects. So I don't posit that what's written about aftercare is wrong. It is right most of the time, and in most aspects of what's being said, felt or sensed during a session. I only say that there are some other aspects, at least equally important in my opinion, and one would benefit from paying a little extra attention to the matter.

1. Let's start with a very simple example. Suppose we have a session with a bottom, sub or slave, masochist or not. Suppose it is obvious that the bottom has endured lots of pain, which she actually felt as very desirable during the session. But now she is not in the same state of mind. She is not in her subspace any more, she's moving towards her normal condition in which this pain or what's left of it becomes undesirable, becomes really pain. So she needs help, she needs her wounds to be taken care of, her skin to be treated with some soothing oil. And the Dom needs to help her. This is the rational tendency, anyway. A "normal" human being wants to help relieve the pain. Right ?

Wrong. Or at least not totally right. But the implication of that simple assumption is that if the normal behavior is to decrease pain, then to increase it is abnormal. But the session was all about increasing pain, was it not? There is the first contradictio in termini, right there.

Every desire in some way is coated with guilt. In our case, this guilt becomes more significant, because it includes abnormality. And the guilt is there for both the Top and the bottom.

Is that true? Does guilt govern BDSM life? The answer is "mostly yes". And I think we can all verify that, just by looking around us - and sometimes in the mirror too. And in such cases, the tenderness shown after the session, the aftercare, is nothing but a "veil of ignorance" (to paraphrase Rawls) over our deep, guilty feelings, which are thus sent to the unconscious. We did something “abnormal”, but we have managed to offset what was “wrong” with great amounts of tenderness. The problem is that guilt has just stopped being an ethical guilt and it has become psychological. It has moved behind the scenes, to a dark place from which it can govern our lives.

It is clear that many BDSMers would now smile and argue that ethical guilt is just some tool that the ruling classes use to manipulate the masses. That all we have to do is deal once and for all with any kind of guilt and erase this word from our dictionary. All I could do with such an argument would be to smile back. Guilt is essential. If there were no guilt, we wouldn’t exist as human beings. Guilt is a great life saver and it has great DNA power of Darwinian origin. It is not too easily confronted by opinions.

2. Addressing our feelings of guilt is but one aspect of the situation. There is another aspect, which is seldom realized by either the Top or the bottom. By offering tenderness to the submissive, after we have offered her cruelty, we put her in a double bind. This keeps the submissive unable to decide, and we can use this indecisiveness to dominate her more deeply. Let's not forget that indecisiveness means that the two probable decisions have the same weight. Is the Dom cruel or tender Indecisiveness, especially in serious decisions, is a black hole to our energy sources, so a very small push at the right time would help the submissive to exit this black hole and feel relieved. The manipulation works. Ugly but true.

Such intentions during aftercare could very seldom be conscious. Even if the Dom, let alone the sub, is not conscious of his behavior, this mechanism works nevertheless. If we have a Top / bottom situation, aftercare definitely looks to the submissive as an invitation to tender. More sessions, or even a relationship. Both the session and the relationship are about power, after all, and this is a simple description of the dynamics.

3. If we plot a diagram of "intensity" (which makes the need for aftercare essential) in the life of a submissive according to what is said about aftercare, we would see a straight line parallel to the x-axis, very close to it, and every now and then, on some occasions (the sessions), a peak. But this would be true only if we were thinking about top/bottom situations, which are indeed built around sessions.

If, on the other hand, we are talking about real D/s relationships, the straight line becomes much more distant from the x-axis getting closer to the peaks, and it is not a straight line any more. This becomes clearer as the quality of the relationship increases.

In good D/s relationships care is always present. Before, during or after sessions. Even in painful situations, for example when a Dom decides to punish his sub severely, care is not absent. Quite the contrary. A good Dom has to think a lot about the punishment, the punishment itself is a manifestation of care. And the submissive knows that extremely well, even if she initially doesn’t want or even opposes the punishment. Even if there is pain without punishment, this is meant to help the submissive get in touch with her deeper self - which signifies care. Care before the session and care during the session. Why then focus so much on the care after the session, so that we need a new term about it? Shouldn’t terms like "beforecare" or "realtimecare" be equally needed ?

What I mean is that focusing on aftercare signifies we're thinking about Top/bottom situations and not about D/s relationships, which are all about care. But in this case, even the best aftercare is equivalent to mopping the floor while leaving the taps open.

4. Let us extend the previous ideas a little further. How could we define a session? As Wikipedia says, "it is the period of time when BDSM actions can take place". Now those BDSM actions could of course include anything, from whipping, caning or asphyxiation to mild orders. And of course we should add that it is often full of eroticism, or even simple old sex - well maybe not too simple. Right? Of course. But in a good D/s relationship, every sentence the Dom says is (or should be) interpreted as an order by the submissive. And the eroticism should almost always be present. And this may happen so intensely that there are cases when a sub can reach orgasm when the Dom orders it, even in a cafe or a restaurant, or during work. This implies that good relationships cannot be session-centered, because ultimately every moment of the relationship becomes part of a session.

Are there "real" sessions in D/s relationships? Of course there are. But then their purpose cannot be fulfilled in a small period of time, after which the submissive will return to her "normal" state, with the help of aftercare. On the contrary, their purpose is to help extend the "subspace" to ultimately cover all the life of the submissive.

Ideally then, the need for aftercare will cease to exist, if the intensity and the care are both present, always.

5. By the usual terminology, and for the same reasons, the idea that Doms need aftercare seems to me like an oxymoron. Of course a submissive cares about her Dom a lot, and she shows it. All the time. She serves his wishes in the best way she can, before, during and after a session. But if someone needs some kind of special care after a session and is a Dom, he should probably rethink about his status.

(The reason I use "he" when I refer to the Dom and "she" when I refer to a sub is not sexism. It is just the way I relate my ideas to my experience more easily, just the way I "see" what I describe. This post could be read with those two words interchanged.)

Source: http://www.bdsminternational.org/threads/aftercare-in-bdsm.380/page-2

 

[lileth_morgan]

The couple of sessions I've had have always had some form of after care, ether in the form of just sitting and talking and maybe having my hair stoked a bit if its late and I'm tired.

If I've done something a bit more challenging I will sit curled up in an arm chair and am given a big tub of chocolate ice cream, AND I don't even have to share it! although I do get laughed at for picking out all the exciting bits

although I would love to be held and cuddled after that's only because I am quite a sensual person and am always happy to have a cuddle

 

[Netzach]

The subject of aftercare is quite a thorny subject for BDSMers, as so little has actually been written about it and so few people talk meaningfully regarding the hows and whys.

I would like to bring to your attention a quirky little text written about aftercare by a Greek Master. This is it:


During a session, a submissive experiences a lot of sensations, feelings and thoughts of great intensity. It seems obvious that she needs some help to return to what we would call her normal condition. This help is what we call aftercare in BDSM.

The above statement seems to be very logical. What's more, it is accepted as true and is adopted by the vast majority of BDSMers. So vast that the paradigm I described before has become some kind of stereotype.

The problem with stereotypes is not that they are wrong. They're not. Most of the stereotypes we confront in everyday life are usually corroborated by obvious data available to anyone. The problem is that stereotypes some times tend to disregard some extremely important aspects of a situation, due to focusing on the general idea.

This is why I’d like to try and describe what happens in some detail, in order to deal with those aspects. So I don't posit that what's written about aftercare is wrong. It is right most of the time, and in most aspects of what's being said, felt or sensed during a session. I only say that there are some other aspects, at least equally important in my opinion, and one would benefit from paying a little extra attention to the matter.

1. Let's start with a very simple example. Suppose we have a session with a bottom, sub or slave, masochist or not. Suppose it is obvious that the bottom has endured lots of pain, which she actually felt as very desirable during the session. But now she is not in the same state of mind. She is not in her subspace any more, she's moving towards her normal condition in which this pain or what's left of it becomes undesirable, becomes really pain. So she needs help, she needs her wounds to be taken care of, her skin to be treated with some soothing oil. And the Dom needs to help her. This is the rational tendency, anyway. A "normal" human being wants to help relieve the pain. Right ?

Wrong. Or at least not totally right. But the implication of that simple assumption is that if the normal behavior is to decrease pain, then to increase it is abnormal. But the session was all about increasing pain, was it not? There is the first contradictio in termini, right there.

Every desire in some way is coated with guilt. In our case, this guilt becomes more significant, because it includes abnormality. And the guilt is there for both the Top and the bottom.

Is that true? Does guilt govern BDSM life? The answer is "mostly yes". And I think we can all verify that, just by looking around us - and sometimes in the mirror too. And in such cases, the tenderness shown after the session, the aftercare, is nothing but a "veil of ignorance" (to paraphrase Rawls) over our deep, guilty feelings, which are thus sent to the unconscious. We did something “abnormal”, but we have managed to offset what was “wrong” with great amounts of tenderness. The problem is that guilt has just stopped being an ethical guilt and it has become psychological. It has moved behind the scenes, to a dark place from which it can govern our lives.

It is clear that many BDSMers would now smile and argue that ethical guilt is just some tool that the ruling classes use to manipulate the masses. That all we have to do is deal once and for all with any kind of guilt and erase this word from our dictionary. All I could do with such an argument would be to smile back. Guilt is essential. If there were no guilt, we wouldn’t exist as human beings. Guilt is a great life saver and it has great DNA power of Darwinian origin. It is not too easily confronted by opinions.

2. Addressing our feelings of guilt is but one aspect of the situation. There is another aspect, which is seldom realized by either the Top or the bottom. By offering tenderness to the submissive, after we have offered her cruelty, we put her in a double bind. This keeps the submissive unable to decide, and we can use this indecisiveness to dominate her more deeply. Let's not forget that indecisiveness means that the two probable decisions have the same weight. Is the Dom cruel or tender Indecisiveness, especially in serious decisions, is a black hole to our energy sources, so a very small push at the right time would help the submissive to exit this black hole and feel relieved. The manipulation works. Ugly but true.

Such intentions during aftercare could very seldom be conscious. Even if the Dom, let alone the sub, is not conscious of his behavior, this mechanism works nevertheless. If we have a Top / bottom situation, aftercare definitely looks to the submissive as an invitation to tender. More sessions, or even a relationship. Both the session and the relationship are about power, after all, and this is a simple description of the dynamics.

3. If we plot a diagram of "intensity" (which makes the need for aftercare essential) in the life of a submissive according to what is said about aftercare, we would see a straight line parallel to the x-axis, very close to it, and every now and then, on some occasions (the sessions), a peak. But this would be true only if we were thinking about top/bottom situations, which are indeed built around sessions.

If, on the other hand, we are talking about real D/s relationships, the straight line becomes much more distant from the x-axis getting closer to the peaks, and it is not a straight line any more. This becomes clearer as the quality of the relationship increases.

In good D/s relationships care is always present. Before, during or after sessions. Even in painful situations, for example when a Dom decides to punish his sub severely, care is not absent. Quite the contrary. A good Dom has to think a lot about the punishment, the punishment itself is a manifestation of care. And the submissive knows that extremely well, even if she initially doesn’t want or even opposes the punishment. Even if there is pain without punishment, this is meant to help the submissive get in touch with her deeper self - which signifies care. Care before the session and care during the session. Why then focus so much on the care after the session, so that we need a new term about it? Shouldn’t terms like "beforecare" or "realtimecare" be equally needed ?

What I mean is that focusing on aftercare signifies we're thinking about Top/bottom situations and not about D/s relationships, which are all about care. But in this case, even the best aftercare is equivalent to mopping the floor while leaving the taps open.

4. Let us extend the previous ideas a little further. How could we define a session? As Wikipedia says, "it is the period of time when BDSM actions can take place". Now those BDSM actions could of course include anything, from whipping, caning or asphyxiation to mild orders. And of course we should add that it is often full of eroticism, or even simple old sex - well maybe not too simple. Right? Of course. But in a good D/s relationship, every sentence the Dom says is (or should be) interpreted as an order by the submissive. And the eroticism should almost always be present. And this may happen so intensely that there are cases when a sub can reach orgasm when the Dom orders it, even in a cafe or a restaurant, or during work. This implies that good relationships cannot be session-centered, because ultimately every moment of the relationship becomes part of a session.

Are there "real" sessions in D/s relationships? Of course there are. But then their purpose cannot be fulfilled in a small period of time, after which the submissive will return to her "normal" state, with the help of aftercare. On the contrary, their purpose is to help extend the "subspace" to ultimately cover all the life of the submissive.

Ideally then, the need for aftercare will cease to exist, if the intensity and the care are both present, always.

5. By the usual terminology, and for the same reasons, the idea that Doms need aftercare seems to me like an oxymoron. Of course a submissive cares about her Dom a lot, and she shows it. All the time. She serves his wishes in the best way she can, before, during and after a session. But if someone needs some kind of special care after a session and is a Dom, he should probably rethink about his status.

(The reason I use "he" when I refer to the Dom and "she" when I refer to a sub is not sexism. It is just the way I relate my ideas to my experience more easily, just the way I "see" what I describe. This post could be read with those two words interchanged.)

Source: http://www.bdsminternational.org/threads/aftercare-in-bdsm.380/page-2

I'm the first to say don't do your guilt theater with me. But this essay completely overlooks the actual physical reality of endorphin release and physical mechanics of pain processing over short duration - stuff science is still hard at work on, but phenomena which you can observe easily when you watch people do hard painplay. Yes - if the physical reality of the people involved doesn't get disrupted to a certain stage, then everything in the essay is totally good food for thought. But if it does - you're going to want your blankets and your power bars and your watchful eye.

And I mean hard painplay. I mean taking someone into mild shock, which seems to be a desired state for some couples. It's not my personal cup of tea normally, but when it happens, even a hard ass such as I am will probably want a blanket and a little attention. Most people, in D/s and T/b arrangements don't work at this level. Some do. A lot do sometimes, and fortunately they're not worrying about whether they are on message to their slaves when they have someone in mild shock on the floor in front of them when they get them a blanket and some hydration.

(The problem as I see it, is that someone once saw a scene like this and must have assumed that every flogging must result in this result and need identical approaches. It's like saying every time someone lights a candle the right response is to call the fire department. It's because people are taught that everything is so subjective that we don't teach people about objective markers in painplay beyond first aid topics.)

But people interact like that, doing hard and taxing pain scenes, in T/b and D/s relationships. T/b is often more planned and more about the bottom getting in touch with their "deeper self" than a lot of D/s relationships. Think about a really intense scene without service dimensions - a top is a person willing to facilitate this WITHOUT their stupid human ego being the object of worship and wonder - I don't think you get more care than that. I have operated in both modes, and while I felt more connected to the person I am with in D/s I feel like I am creating something meaningful and larger than we are when I'm in a really good T/b moment. I've had really profound experiences with more or less total strangers - it doesn't really get better than that.

Power dynamics are not that relevant to the human brain as a wayward bodily organ. You take the most Dominant person alive, send them on a mile run and they're going to get slightly high. You cane them on the ass and they're going to get high. They're going to be mad as hell, but their brain is going to be throwing some of the same chemistry as suzy slave.

I see gender disclaimers like that at the end all the time too. I don't think it's sexism, but I do think it's YOUR experience and worldview and I do think you should really ask yourself if you know for certain that your pronouns CAN be reversed and all is fine and applies and is hunky dory. Since you're claiming to have no mileage with F/m how can you possibly be so sure of that?

For instance, there's all kinds of data coming in on the fact that males and females process pain in subtly different ways - so NO it is not just the same in reverse when I work a male sub. It's a completely different pain scene when I play with the Mtf submissive who was not on hormones and now is.

 

[dora_salonica]

Thank you for the lengthy answer! That is a good thing actually, seeing that some people really care about such matters. I am also very much in favor of understanding things in depth.

Please let me point out that this not my text, but the point of view of a Master who happens to be experienced in D/s but not a fan of very hard S/M sessions...

A few points, if I may be allowed.

But this essay completely overlooks the actual physical reality of endorphin release and physical mechanics of pain processing over short duration

I think that the essay does not overlook those situations. It says right at the beginning: "So I don't posit that what's written about aftercare is wrong. It is right most of the time, and in most aspects of what's being said, felt or sensed during a session."

I think that most experienced BDSMers understand the way endorphins work and there is no question about it. The essay may be trying to shift attention for a moment to things that are usually not discussed at all.

Think about a really intense scene without service dimensions - a top is a person willing to facilitate this WITHOUT their stupid human ego being the object of worship and wonder - I don't think you get more care than that.

I understand what you are saying and I would certainly prefer a straight T/b session to any idiot who enjoys - or encourages - being the object of worship!<smiles> But I must admit that I have yet to find someone who has so stupid an ego that he will accept the burden of a D/s relationship, just for the purpose of being the object of worship and wonder! I am sure you will agree that this is too much trouble for someone who does not understand the concept of power exchange - and the responsibility that comes along with it!

I have operated in both modes, and while I felt more connected to the person I am with in D/s I feel like I am creating something meaningful and larger than we are when I'm in a really good T/b moment.

I have also operated in both modes - still do - but... Ι don't know why, but I do not feel anything meaningful and larger than we are even in the most superb T/b moments... I feel that I am going through the movements, without actually touching upon the truth. What I would really like is to express inner truths by going through the movements, not go through the movements in case they manage to create an inner truth!

The more I think about it actually, the more I realize how similar we all are - though we go about it in different ways... You see, we all want something meaningful and larger than we are! And that is true for most people, in my opinion.

I see gender disclaimers like that at the end all the time too. I don't think it's sexism, but I do think it's YOUR experience and worldview and I do think you should really ask yourself if you know for certain that your pronouns CAN be reversed and all is fine and applies and is hunky dory. Since you're claiming to have no mileage with F/m how can you possibly be so sure of that?

I am certain that you are absolutely right on that score! I think though that the reference to the pronouns has mostly to do with the respect shown by some BDSMers towards people of all statuses, regardless of their gender.

Thanks once again for your valuable feedback! Much appreciated!

 

[Bramblethorn]

Noting that aftercare isn't just for the sub/bottom's benefit. Especially if we've been trying something new, I'll want to cuddle afterwards and get reassurance that my partner and our relationship are OK.

 

[MissLillian]

After care is everything. Not only is it a way to prolono the pleasure but it's the a to strengthen the bond between you.

 

[shy slave]

I seem to be a lone voice here, I can't stand aftercare.

It seems invasive and unnecessary for me. Years ago I read about all sorts of things related to Ds including aftercare, everything said it was all the things people here have spoken about - important, essential, critical.

Imagine my shock when I hated it, nails on a blackboard hated it. It made me feel yuck. It wasn't the person, nor what they did (different people, different after care), but how it wormed in my head in a horrible way.

My aftercare means leave me alone, I need space and time afterwards not touch and care.

I realise I am in a minority, I am ok with that

 

[MeekMe]

I seem to be a lone voice here, I can't stand aftercare.

It seems invasive and unnecessary for me. Years ago I read about all sorts of things related to Ds including aftercare, everything said it was all the things people here have spoken about - important, essential, critical.

Imagine my shock when I hated it, nails on a blackboard hated it. It made me feel yuck. It wasn't the person, nor what they did (different people, different after care), but how it wormed in my head in a horrible way.

My aftercare means leave me alone, I need space and time afterwards not touch and care.

I realise I am in a minority, I am ok with that

You're not alone. I enjoy a good cuddle after, but that's like 30 seconds of hard breathing and holding each other. Then it's separate and do what we need. He likes video games. I like eating.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I seem to be a lone voice here, I can't stand aftercare.

It seems invasive and unnecessary for me. Years ago I read about all sorts of things related to Ds including aftercare, everything said it was all the things people here have spoken about - important, essential, critical.

Imagine my shock when I hated it, nails on a blackboard hated it. It made me feel yuck. It wasn't the person, nor what they did (different people, different after care), but how it wormed in my head in a horrible way.

My aftercare means leave me alone, I need space and time afterwards not touch and care.

I realise I am in a minority, I am ok with that

Well, that's your kind of aftercare and it's important to you to get that time and space.
It seems to me, the problem with all those essays is that they seem to work from the viewpoint that all people need the same things, the same way.

 

[SirQuinn]

This should all be discussed ahead of time... much like one would to determine limitations, safewords, turn ons, turn offs, etc.