After care.

[FurryFury]

Superb point chris, I know its valid for some Dominants particularily when they have extended both themselves and their submissive into 'darker' areas to really make sure nothing was 'broken'. I am not talking limbs (skin or a sweat ......smiles) here but psyche. Averting possibilities such as say for one example a split second panic . The 'ritual' ( whatever form it takes , including as you said practical measures , warmth, a pillow, blanket, drink of water ) of after care may become not only a conclusion but a practical expression over a time frame where almost unspoken reassurances can be attained both Dominant and submissive alike.

My comments are within the context of a D/s relationship.

Makes sense to me. This thread is giving me a lot to think about.

Fury

Yes Catalina, thank you. That's exactly it. We have to be very careful in what goes on after a scene, or even during. We both realise that we wouldn't work as a couple, but we're great friends, and I wouldn't change that for the world. Those first few moments after he's stoped, if there was too much petting, and cuddling on his end, then it would deffinitly affect the way I saw what had happened, and would start to question his feelings about me.

That does put a different slant on things.

Like I said if you are both happy with what you are doing that's great as far as I'm concerned.

I guess I just have these huge issues that probably wouldn't allow me to get into such a relationship but everyone is different and that's good!

*hug*

Fury

 

[FurryFury]

I will admit to myself (and my sub) whenever I feel I am wrong and when trying something new I am very open about it. I am also a huge beliver in open communication with my sub, even if it might not be what I want to hear.

I'm more refering to the overall context of the power-give with another though.

Self-assurance is a fine line for many...the next step past the line is cockyness and that's never good....

Sounds like you have good communication.

Yeah, I agree, cockiness just makes me want to punch the cock! Arrogance should be ground beneath my heel until it is turn to goo then burned away. Not that I have strong feelings about that or anything. *L*

Fury

 

[the captians wench]

That does put a different slant on things.

Like I said if you are both happy with what you are doing that's great as far as I'm concerned.

I guess I just have these huge issues that probably wouldn't allow me to get into such a relationship but everyone is different and that's good!

*hug*

Fury

*snuggles*

I was actually surprised that it did work like it has. I never thought I'd be able to do anything that well brought me that type of pleasure with out being romantically involved. But I think in my mind some how I've seperated the sessions and any sort of sexual relationship, and deffinitly anything of a romantic nature. *shrug*

 

[FurryFury]

*snuggles*

I was actually surprised that it did work like it has. I never thought I'd be able to do anything that well brought me that type of pleasure with out being romantically involved. But I think in my mind some how I've seperated the sessions and any sort of sexual relationship, and deffinitly anything of a romantic nature. *shrug*

Good for you!

It's hard to get what you want or need in this world!

*smiles and hugs more*

Fury

 

[Private_Label]

Not having done any scene in RL... I can only speak about my own reactions as I understand them from other areas of my life.

I am a touch oriented person. If I am not in a romantic situation with the person I am in the scene with, I would be uncomfortable with a lot of cuddling. I might do a quick hug & kiss, but then I'd rather sit and just hold their hand, or have a bit of personal space to process my reaction - which may or may not be to cry, depending on the kind of release I achieved. If I do cry, then just patting/rubbing my back for a bit is all I would really want.

'Course, this all depends on tha status of the relationship with the person I am playing with.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I also notice a presumption that a scene includes sex...not all scenes do, nor is it what it is about and perhaps that is why some feel it would be totally necessary to have cuddling etc., as it is an extension of the sexual intimacy more so than the SM intimacy.

Catalina

 

[shy slave]

I also notice a presumption that a scene includes sex...not all scenes do, nor is it what it is about and perhaps that is why some feel it would be totally necessary to have cuddling etc., as it is an extension of the sexual intimacy more so than the SM intimacy.

Catalina

Thanks for saying this catalina.
Touching after sex is great, touch after a SM scene is just not my thing. I need left alone.

 

[the captians wench]

I also notice a presumption that a scene includes sex...not all scenes do, nor is it what it is about and perhaps that is why some feel it would be totally necessary to have cuddling etc., as it is an extension of the sexual intimacy more so than the SM intimacy.

Catalina

That's the after care I'm waiting for....sex after a scene.

 

[catalina_francisco]

That's the after care I'm waiting for....sex after a scene.

Sometimes it is good, sometimes it is better to just revel in the purity of the SM and enjoy its essence iuuntainted by anything else...sometimes you are both too exhausted to do anything but rest.

Catalina

 

[the captians wench]

Sometimes it is good, sometimes it is better to just revel in the purity of the SM and enjoy its essence iuuntainted by anything else...sometimes you are both too exhausted to do anything but rest.

Catalina

It was a terrible joke, I'm sorry.

I wouldn't trade the experences I've had with my friends for anything. There's a certain place my mind goes when in the midst of a scene. And I like to be able to get a grasp on that afterwords. I think sex would just cloud that almost rediscovery feeling, most of the time. And I think the fact that the two have not been combined in my life, as of yet, has helped me in decerning what it is that I enjoy. If sex had always been involved then it might have been the sex part that I really enjoyed and not so much the scene, but it would have been harder to pick out. If I'm making any sence.

 

[catalina_francisco]

It was a terrible joke, I'm sorry.

I wouldn't trade the experences I've had with my friends for anything. There's a certain place my mind goes when in the midst of a scene. And I like to be able to get a grasp on that afterwords. I think sex would just cloud that almost rediscovery feeling, most of the time. And I think the fact that the two have not been combined in my life, as of yet, has helped me in decerning what it is that I enjoy. If sex had always been involved then it might have been the sex part that I really enjoyed and not so much the scene, but it would have been harder to pick out. If I'm making any sence.

Makes perfect sense..I think it is a mistake a lot make and then find down the line the SM was just a means to an end more so than a desire in itself.

Catalina

 

[Blushing Bottom]

The only after care I require is hydration and to know I have pleased him.

So I guess you could say my after care is a coke and a smile.

LOL

d

 

[the captians wench]

The only after care I require is hydration and to know I have pleased him.

So I guess you could say my after care is a coke and a smile.

LOL

d

*giggles*

Sometimes that says it all

 

[serijules]

Thanks for the replies...

You know, I really didn't know that it wasn't a "mandatory" part of scening.
Now I have to rethink the whole thing and relieve Master of the guilt trip I have laid on him in the past. He does make sure I'm OK and have settled down etc. It appears that I have made it into a bigger issue than it actually is/was.
Cuddling would be a good thing, but he's not much of a cuddler *s.

The reason I ask this question is that I have "read" somewhere that aftercare is important in "rebuilding" the sub/bottom after the Dom/me has sort of laid bare or opened up the very fragile inner core of the sub during the scene. (I'm not sure if I'm putting that in the right terms.) That it might be psychologically damaging to leave the sub as is.

I haven't read the rest of the replies, so am only commenting on this comment.

I used to think aftercare was extremely important and a sign of a good Dominant. I still DO think it is important and the making of a good dominant....but in a less exact sense.

I would expect it to be something talked about when going into a scene with a new partner or someone I had never played with before (I don't play with others anymore so this is kind of redundant). It doesn't necessarily have to be cuddling, holding, or anything specific...but I would want it to be something the person cared enough about to ask me my feelings and needs on. Since submission never has and never will come into play in scenes that involve people other than my Owner, I am more concerned about my own well-being in those instances and allow myself to go to much deeper "subspace" levels than I do with my Owner. With my Owner, things change dramatically....she knows me and I know her well enough that the structured need for aftercare comes in a much different form. Cleaning up the toys and putting things away IS a form of aftercare for me with Dawnie. With a strange play partner, it does not give me that same feeling of security.

So yeah, I think aftercare is important, but I think the level and type of need for it not only depends on the person and the setting and the scene, but shifts as a relationship grows too. I also think it is much more important for newbie players than it is to seasoned sceners. It does offer a lot in building a healthy relationship (even a casual one) and should at least be discussed between two people so both are aware of the others needs and feelings on the subject, even if those needs and feelings greatly differ. It's a lot less hurtful and confusing to NOT get hugs and cuddles from a dominant after a scene when that is something that you normally need, if you are aware that they just are not comfortable giving that kind of intimacy or care. You have a chance to adjust your reactions and find ways for your own needs to be met without having to deal with the mess of feeling hurt or abandoned because you didn't understand their intentions.

 

[Hester]

When I was bottoming more it bugged the shit out of me when Tops I would not ordinarily want to be held intimately by thought it was this mission critical part of the scene. I was much more satisfied and relaxed and able to express my appreciation by cleaning up or giving them a little thank-you kiss on the boot or shoe.

I hold and allow mysef to be held by a very small handful of people. Just like I'll play with people I'm not into sexually I'll also play with people I don't have that kind of intimacy with and I hate the idea of forcing it. There are a lot of ways to come back down and support each other. Sometimes we are hysterically laughing at the end.

this makes sense to me.

i'm very independent on multiple levels and like to process alone. usually, i just feel great and lie back to enjoy all the cool chemicals my body released.

if i'm very close to someone and there's a lot of emotional intimacy, then we can share that space and it's nice. otherwise, i feel suffocated and it detracts from my "high."

 

[FurryFury]

Oh my, well I do like to be fucked or to fuck along with my scenes. Now if I were to go to say, Evil_Geoff, knowing that we weren't going to be fucking, that he would "just" beating me or whatever, because he and Janie don't play that way with others and so far I don't either, then I would STILL expect him to be sure I was okay. Or I'd expect him to make sure someone else made sure I was okay afterwards did but I would not necessarily expect cuddles. That's a whole different ball game right dere. However I wouldn't say that him doing that, would not feel sexual because to me, I believe it would. I mean that's why we do these things right? Because it is a sexual thing for us?

Fury

 

[catalina_francisco]

However I wouldn't say that him doing that, would not feel sexual because to me, I believe it would. I mean that's why we do these things right? Because it is a sexual thing for us?

Fury

No, not totally or exclusively which is the point I was making earlier. Some see it as purely sexual and a way to get sex, others can include sex or not because though it can include sex and sexual feelings, it also can come from a place where the pleasure originates from something seperate from libido and in most instances deeper inside. For us there is usually sexual feelings tied in with our play, because it does do that for us most times based on our relationship...but we also can play and do at times (with ourselves and others) without the sexual aspects and have, where we completely indulge our SM desires in all their purity.

I keep getting the feeling many here think after care is cuddling, touching, holding, which once again is bringing it back to the physical. After care is about making sure everything is alright including the psyche which does not require one finger laid on another person to find out. For someone who does not require or welcome touch afterward, the only time it should be necessary is if there is a need to check a possible injury or apply treatment to an injury. That being said, for us, it is not unusual for me to treat my own wounds as we are no longer in the early stages where constant displays of caring are required...we both know how much we care for each other, and if time or mood does not permit a togetherness after care, it is not a drama or something I can not handle without feeling neglected or unloved. Sometimes it actually lends to the whole mood and intention to not receive any aftercare.

Catalina

 

[FurryFury]

No, not totally or exclusively which is the point I was making earlier. Some see it as purely sexual and a way to get sex, others can include sex or not because though it can include sex and sexual feelings, it also can come from a place where the pleasure originates from something seperate from libido and in most instances deeper inside. For us there is usually sexual feelings tied in with our play, because it does do that for us most times based on our relationship...but we also can play and do at times (with ourselves and others) without the sexual aspects and have, where we completely indulge our SM desires in all their purity.

I keep getting the feeling many here think after care is cuddling, touching, holding, which once again is bringing it back to the physical. After care is about making sure everything is alright including the psyche which does not require one finger laid on another person to find out. For someone who does not require or welcome touch afterward, the only time it should be necessary is if there is a need to check a possible injury or apply treatment to an injury. That being said, for us, it is not unusual for me to treat my own wounds as we are no longer in the early stages where constant displays of caring are required...we both know how much we care for each other, and if time or mood does not permit a togetherness after care, it is not a drama or something I can not handle without feeling neglected or unloved. Sometimes it actually lends to the whole mood and intention to not receive any aftercare.

Catalina

Interesting and more food for thought.

*smiles*

Fury

 

[riverofshudder]

No, not totally or exclusively which is the point I was making earlier. Some see it as purely sexual and a way to get sex, others can include sex or not because though it can include sex and sexual feelings, it also can come from a place where the pleasure originates from something seperate from libido and in most instances deeper inside. For us there is usually sexual feelings tied in with our play, because it does do that for us most times based on our relationship...but we also can play and do at times (with ourselves and others) without the sexual aspects and have, where we completely indulge our SM desires in all their purity.

I keep getting the feeling many here think after care is cuddling, touching, holding, which once again is bringing it back to the physical. After care is about making sure everything is alright including the psyche which does not require one finger laid on another person to find out. For someone who does not require or welcome touch afterward, the only time it should be necessary is if there is a need to check a possible injury or apply treatment to an injury. That being said, for us, it is not unusual for me to treat my own wounds as we are no longer in the early stages where constant displays of caring are required...we both know how much we care for each other, and if time or mood does not permit a togetherness after care, it is not a drama or something I can not handle without feeling neglected or unloved. Sometimes it actually lends to the whole mood and intention to not receive any aftercare.

Catalina

All good stuff but some really good points at the end. The key to aftercare as I see it as a Dom (i.e. one who is responsible for my sub) is to make sure everything is right with her physically and mentally and to help with the transition out of subspace for if she wishes. That often takes the form of a comforting hug/holding or cuddling or some such thing, especially with my current sub, but it's isn't exclusive to some physical thing. I've had subs in the past that didn't want to be touched post scene but they still needed me there to guide and help (and attend).

Again, in the early stages it is about showing you care and establishing that bond. Down the road that gets less and less important (yet if still needed so overtly you've got a problem since you aren't communicating somewhere).

 

[Netzach]

No, not totally or exclusively which is the point I was making earlier. Some see it as purely sexual and a way to get sex, others can include sex or not because though it can include sex and sexual feelings, it also can come from a place where the pleasure originates from something seperate from libido and in most instances deeper inside. For us there is usually sexual feelings tied in with our play, because it does do that for us most times based on our relationship...but we also can play and do at times (with ourselves and others) without the sexual aspects and have, where we completely indulge our SM desires in all their purity.

I keep getting the feeling many here think after care is cuddling, touching, holding, which once again is bringing it back to the physical. After care is about making sure everything is alright including the psyche which does not require one finger laid on another person to find out. For someone who does not require or welcome touch afterward, the only time it should be necessary is if there is a need to check a possible injury or apply treatment to an injury. That being said, for us, it is not unusual for me to treat my own wounds as we are no longer in the early stages where constant displays of caring are required...we both know how much we care for each other, and if time or mood does not permit a togetherness after care, it is not a drama or something I can not handle without feeling neglected or unloved. Sometimes it actually lends to the whole mood and intention to not receive any aftercare.

Catalina

Aftercare can be the phone call, the discussion, the sharing feedback. Aftercare can be planning the next scene together. Or being massaged when your rotator cuffs hurt more than her ass the next day. I think it's being there when the things that begin to bother the sub bubble up the next day. '

Hydration and small talk is all I can do sometimes, and it seems to be enough.

 

[rida]

Bumping this thread back to life

How important is aftercare for you. What does your Master/Mistress do to bring you down safely?

A lot of good answer in the thread.

As for my personal opinion/experience, the importance and the content of it varies depending on the circumstances. With Hubby, sometimes we just go back to whatever we have to do, some others he just falls asleep and I clean up/pack the toys, and others he just holds me, bring me water and talks with me. The relationship is established and solid, and more than the physical cuddling, I often need to be allowed to talk my experience and feeling over with him for a few days afterwards, or how ever long it takes before my mind is able to have intelligible thoughts on the matter.

With the Sadist, everything being so new I need more reassurance right after the scene. The way he looks at aftercare is that he needs to make sure his submissive or play partner is able to go back safely in the world. The dynamic between us is such that no much talk nor cuddling happens, but I am allowed to finally look at him, touch him and just bask in him, and in the future, hopefully, just service him by running his bath and wash him.

I am also very lucky that I get to go back home to Hubby and am able to then talk things over with him, thous getting some extra after care from somebody that really knows and loves me.

I also notice a presumption that a scene includes sex...not all scenes do, nor is it what it is about and perhaps that is why some feel it would be totally necessary to have cuddling etc., as it is an extension of the sexual intimacy more so than the SM intimacy.

Catalina

I guess that it might be important also to define what is considered sex in a scene.

With Hubby, whether he fucks me or not, whether I cum or not, the whole interaction feels intimate in a sexual way for both of us.
But with the Sadist, even if he fucks me, it still feels part of the SM dynamic and so far it does not feel like sex.

 

[saphicsub]

How important is aftercare for you. What does your Master/Mistress do to bring you down safely?

From my vanila sexual experiences, if i dont have some degree of aftercare i feel used and empty, especially if he gets dressed straight away and goes home or goes to the fridge for a beer and flips on the TV.

Its usually different with women as we either cuddle, sleep, shower or talk but always remain physically close.

 

[myinnerslut]

im so glad this thread was recently bumped. i saw it and thought it was worth posting on but really didnt want to read four pages of history before i did. way to bump, rida!

anywho.... aftercare is really important for me. so is during care, but ill address that in a second. care is defined differently based on what the activity that just ended was. there is physical care. for example, if it was something that left a burn or a spot that broke skin then antibiotic goes on the area. bad bruises get arnica. marks from the singletail have been known to require aloe. etc etc. this is the basic "treat any physical issues" part of aftercare that people will usually talk about.

then there is emotional aftercare. after going through somethign particularly physically challenging, i may not want a lot of physical contact, but i will still want to be in the same area as Master, as its emotonally calming. just being able to hold his hand is enough to make me feel safe. i am also an attention whore, and will usualy seek some sort of "good job" or "you did well".

emotional during-care has also played a role in times when i went into subspace and then come out of it. for the first few seconds while i puzzle out what happend i am very confused and Master usually has to tell me what happened. im not in much of a state to recognize others' emotions well so its happened that i misinterpretted irritation as anger and thought emotions were directed at me when they werent. as soon as i realize what has happened im fine, but being helped to that realization (which takes all of a few seconds) saves everyone from dealing with misinterpretation.

for me, one of the biggest care issues is blood sugar. i have been known to go into a dead faint after playing heavy for a bit. the first time this happened i was lyingon a bed so i didnt fall, but it was still a big shock for me, and Master im sure. the second time, and all following times, i fainted i was standing up. in order to deal with this type of aftercare, Master just has to be very aware of my body so if i look like im about to faint he can catch me. once i come back to consciousness, juice or some other sugar is very helpful.

in order to prevent passing out at all, Master has decided that any time we play that heavily i will have to have some juice thoughout the scene.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I guess that it might be important also to define what is considered sex in a scene.

With Hubby, whether he fucks me or not, whether I cum or not, the whole interaction feels intimate in a sexual way for both of us.
But with the Sadist, even if he fucks me, it still feels part of the SM dynamic and so far it does not feel like sex.

I guess for me sex includes any form of sexual intercourse (feelings unrelated or not) which could include anal, oral or vaginal penetration, as well as any act which is aimed at traditional type sexual stimulation (eg. hand job, touching, exposing, masturbation etc.,) and/or any act which brings about sexual excitement or stimulation. Intimacy does not necessarily need to equate to sex, but can be part of a sexual act. Orgasms are never a measure of whether sex has taken place as far as I'm concerned. PArt of our SM dynamic relates to sexual factors, but there are also times when it is not remotely involved and yet intimacy is, and yet other times when neither need be part of the whole thing. It also is complicated in that we do not have scenes as such...what happens, happens. Does that help?

Catalina

 

[TenJed69]

As a dom (eugh, I hate that label, sounds so big headed lol), I do enjoy a bit of aftercare. After an intense scene, I do feel the need to comfort my little girl, make sure she's ok, feels loved and appreciated, make sure she knows she did good, if she did. It's also nice to come down together, cuddling etc is very calming which is nice if it's been an 'angry' scene. It's also nice just to relax together if it's been physically exhausting (usually!).

Sometimes I don't want it particularly, say if it's just a quick or mild scene I might get wrestless and want to go do something, but if she needs it then I'm happy to ease her down.

To be honest though, some of the happiest most fulfilled moments can be during aftercare. Coming down from a scene, seeing my little girl smiling brightly at how she's pleased her sir, feeling so proud for how well she's performed, stroking her hair as we lie together, it's great