After care.

[riverofshudder]

Aftercare is important to me early on in the relationship. I use it while training a new sub, especially after an espcially intense scene. I've found over the years that it builds trust and comfort with one another. That being said some subs I've used it more with and some less. Once the sub's training period is over I rarely use it, unless it fits into the mood of the scene (which is rare given my tastes). I can enjoy the crass-ness of "get dressed" or a simple handing her her clothes.

With my current sub, we usually share dinner after our scenes and/or a walk around Manhattan, some might consider that after care as wel. We generally enjoy being with each other and the various levels of power and control work for us. She knows where she stands with me, but it took training to get her there. I credit aftercare with some of that.

 

[FurryFury]

Communication, and if needed, reassurances or any physical needs after a scene are very important to me from both sides of the equation.

Fury

 

[the captians wench]

I think this is what I hated most about an online relationship. As a new sub, I really needed some time to sort of reflect on what happened and erase that part of me that thought no one would ever do anything like, well, the things I enjoy, if they really cared about me. But he would stick around a while, make sure that I had come down, and tell me that I did well before he'd log off and I was left alone. If there wasn't that time, I would have felt, like I did with a few other before submitting to my current Master, lost even more alone, and even used.

I remember the first real spanking I got from a friend of mine. Another friend, a sub, was there and every now and then she would come up and rub a hand on my face and ask me how I was feeling. That little extra care durring that first experence I think made the difference in how I saw the whole ordeal. After he, the dom, was finished, he didn't really say more than telling me how red my ass was, and then telling us good night and then leaving. She then snuggled up against me and we talked abit about what happened, how I felt, we went over safe words, and over all she just comforted me until I fell asleep.

My first experence with that same friend alone, he finished off by taking pics of his work, and then gave me a pat on the head. He told me I could take as long as I needed to come down, to just breathe for a while, and when I was ready I could get dressed and come down stairs. So when I was mostly calmed down, I got dressed and did as I was told. He was on the computer surfing the net, looking for tartan (which is why I was getting the session, he wants a kilt and is paying in trade so to speak). He pointed out the ones he wanted and let me look over his shoulder and lean on him a bit. Then sent me home with little more than a hug. Now I always get a hug before I leave, but not usually much more than that, but I'm okay with it. I know he cares about me and that he's just not a snuggle type person. Personally I'd love to be able to just snuggle up after I'm beaten, or hell just fucked till I pass out, but that's something I have to look forward to I guess.

 

[FurryFury]

He seems a disconnected and uncaring to me. I don't mean to be negative but I'd want more from someone who was beating my ass either in person or online. If he is not sensitive enough to tend to my needs, I won't be fooling with him again, you know?

When you have that sacred stewardship of another, I believe you must figure out what they need before, during and after a scene. I certainly try to when I am in charge. That is why communication is so important.

Fury

 

[the captians wench]

He seems a disconnected and uncaring to me. I don't mean to be negative but I'd want more from someone who was beating my ass either in person or online. If he is not sensitive enough to tend to my needs, I won't be fooling with him again, you know?

When you have that sacred stewardship of another, I believe you must figure out what they need before, during and after a scene. I certainly try to when I am in charge. That is why communication is so important.

Fury

I guess it's because we were friends before any scene was involved. I understood why kind of person he is, and I accept that. Sort of I knew what I was getting into sort of thing. It's true, I do love to be snuggled afterwords, and being able to snuggle with my subby friend was the best, but I don't really need it, if you know what I mean. I did the first time, and gradually he sort of pulled back into what he would normally do with a sub. As long as I know that I have made the Dom, who ever he may be, happy and he's proud of me on some level that's all I really need. I'm an exibitionist, and he's an amiture photographer, so to take pics of his work was really all the after care I really needed. He was proud of the work he did, and proud of the fact that I could take it. It made me feel, I don't know, loved I guess. Not in a couple sort of way, but on some level I guess loved would be the word. I guess if he were my Dom, insted of a friend then I would be upset by his actions. As it is, I guess I just don't feel I need that from him. Sort of the difference in a partner and a fuck buddy I guess.

 

[FurryFury]

As long as you are satisfied with your arangment with him, it's all good IMO.

Fury

 

[His_pita]

I like aftercare up to a point. Right after a scene I need him to hold me and do all the normal loving gestures that make me feel safe and loved. Then I normally want to roll over and take a nap, which he is very good about letting me do. I haven't been in subspace yet, so I don't know how my aftercare will need to be handled. Maybe I will find out this week. *fingers crossed*

 

[FurryFury]

I like aftercare up to a point. Right after a scene I need him to hold me and do all the normal loving gestures that make me feel safe and loved. Then I normally want to roll over and take a nap, which he is very good about letting me do. I haven't been in subspace yet, so I don't know how my aftercare will need to be handled. Maybe I will find out this week. *fingers crossed*

Ooh! *mouth waters*

I hope so too and if it happens come tell us? Okay?

Fury

 

[Kajira Callista]

This is a very serious question about aftercare that just popped into my head.
If you want your ass beat and to be mindfucked etc....why would you feel the need for aftercare after you got what you were wanting?

 

[riverofshudder]

This is a very serious question about aftercare that just popped into my head.
If you want your ass beat and to be mindfucked etc....why would you feel the need for aftercare after you got what you were wanting?

Aren't these, in many ways. roles we play, as Dom and Sub? Not in the cliche of role-playing, slap and tickle combined with dress-up, type thing...but our respective sides as a D and s have a bit of escapism attached, no? I know when I'm in a scene my mind and attention are focused, the outside world is shut off, the only thing that exists is me and her. She is my only focus and I am her only focus. I may use her in anyway I wish and she will allow me my right. I may choose to bring her deep (into subspace, never liked that word) in my use of her be it the physical or, more powerfully, the mental. We each play our part in the dance that is our relationship. My use of her may involve hurting her, giving her a mindfuck or bring her well past her edge.

I'm not interested in only the physical with my sub. I've Top'd and while fun to play in, without that emotional and mental connection it's just not interesting. I want to get inside of my sub's head and to do that she needs to trust me 100% to let me in there. I may use extreme means to get there but it's within my right. Once there I may keep her (and I) there as long as I wish....but....these are "our" roles (maybe not the best word) as Dom and sub...we both need to return to reality at some point. I'm not a lifestyle Dom nor into 24/7 control anymore, I've been there and done that and it no longer interests me. What interests me now is taking someone very deep and bringing them back again. That is much more powerful to help someone step outside of themselves for a time, in my control...yet to bring them back to the person they are.

That is why aftercare is vital to me, especially with a new sub while she is being trained. She needs to learn and accept my power, well past the physical (that is the easy part)...so no mater how hard I am on her or how deep I bring her she needs to know that I am there providing her a safe experience and a safe passage back to reality. Sometimes that takes the symbol of the arms hands there were just hurting her now around her holding her close to me in comfort. A new sub needs to understand this and often the past way to show it is in very overly obvious ways. Once the duality of our roles and "scene vs. public" selves are completely understood it doesn't need to be obvious.

Beyond all of that psycho-blabbering though...sometimes I simply want to feel her naked, sweaty and beautiful body pressed and curled up against mine and have her safe in my arms to reassure myself that she is still there. If only for the physical pleasure of holding her there for another moment longer before we return to our daily lives.....

 

[FurryFury]

Aren't these, in many ways. roles we play, as Dom and Sub? Not in the cliche of role-playing, slap and tickle combined with dress-up, type thing...but our respective sides as a D and s have a bit of escapism attached, no? I know when I'm in a scene my mind and attention are focused, the outside world is shut off, the only thing that exists is me and her. She is my only focus and I am her only focus. I may use her in anyway I wish and she will allow me my right. I may choose to bring her deep (into subspace, never liked that word) in my use of her be it the physical or, more powerfully, the mental. We each play our part in the dance that is our relationship. My use of her may involve hurting her, giving her a mindfuck or bring her well past her edge.

I'm not interested in only the physical with my sub. I've Top'd and while fun to play in, without that emotional and mental connection it's just not interesting. I want to get inside of my sub's head and to do that she needs to trust me 100% to let me in there. I may use extreme means to get there but it's within my right. Once there I may keep her (and I) there as long as I wish....but....these are "our" roles (maybe not the best word) as Dom and sub...we both need to return to reality at some point. I'm not a lifestyle Dom nor into 24/7 control anymore, I've been there and done that and it no longer interests me. What interests me now is taking someone very deep and bringing them back again. That is much more powerful to help someone step outside of themselves for a time, in my control...yet to bring them back to the person they are.

That is why aftercare is vital to me, especially with a new sub while she is being trained. She needs to learn and accept my power, well past the physical (that is the easy part)...so no mater how hard I am on her or how deep I bring her she needs to know that I am there providing her a safe experience and a safe passage back to reality. Sometimes that takes the symbol of the arms hands there were just hurting her now around her holding her close to me in comfort. A new sub needs to understand this and often the past way to show it is in very overly obvious ways. Once the duality of our roles and "scene vs. public" selves are completely understood it doesn't need to be obvious.

Beyond all of that psycho-blabbering though...sometimes I simply want to feel her naked, sweaty and beautiful body pressed and curled up against mine and have her safe in my arms to reassure myself that she is still there. If only for the physical pleasure of holding her there for another moment longer before we return to our daily lives.....

Niiice!!!

*smiles*

Fury

This is a very serious question about aftercare that just popped into my head.
If you want your ass beat and to be mindfucked etc....why would you feel the need for aftercare after you got what you were wanting?

I guess it's because (for myself) I prefer / expect to be cared about by anyone I give myself over too.

Also, I have a tendency to be insecure and after something like that need reassurance that he is happy with me, got what he wanted out of it and so on.

Finally, I often find my emotions and even physical reactions surprise me, therefore it is good to have some soothing and coming down time to ease all that as well as some communication when one can string words and thoughts together again.

Fury

 

[RJMasters]

Maybe its just about knowing its available.

Like remaining in the room and just being there.

If the submissive wants to crawl up on the lap(or be held), then that's fine. If they want to just want to lay there or kneel there and rock on their own...then that's fine to.

I think aftercare is really up to the needs of the submissive. I think the only thing the Dominant must decide is if they are going to make it available or not.

Given the choice, I would make it known that it is available before hand, and then let them decide after if they want it or not. Seems straight forward to me.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Maybe its just about knowing its available...
... Given the choice, I would make it known that it is available before hand, and then let them decide after if they want it or not. Seems straight forward to me.

Ahhhh indeed.

I like straight forward lots better than guessing. I don't do bullshit well. ;-) It's always best to know just where everyone stands... Dom/me and submissive alike.

 

[ScarlettRose]

hmm, I"m a touch person, after a scene I generally want to touch and talk, even if it is in the virtual realm. Now, if my partner doesn't really want to occasionally ok, I can deal with that. Every time? that would be an issue for me. So, one more thing showing its a matter of picking partners that match

 

[SouthernDom]

It depends on the needs of the partner on how much after care is needed IMO.

After exposing a new sub partner to a new sensation,strange punishment or especially a mindfuck they might need more reassuring than normal.

One must be observant to the signals of their partner after a scene, the Dom is responsible for the joy and emotional well being of their sub and should never take that responsibility lighty by ignoring their needs.

 

[catalina_francisco]

He seems a disconnected and uncaring to me. I don't mean to be negative but I'd want more from someone who was beating my ass either in person or online. If he is not sensitive enough to tend to my needs, I won't be fooling with him again, you know?

When you have that sacred stewardship of another, I believe you must figure out what they need before, during and after a scene. I certainly try to when I am in charge. That is why communication is so important.

Fury

I don't necessarily see it as disconnected and uncaring. If the relationship is based on friendship and meeting each other's needs as friends, cuddling and aftercare of the more intimate type could be a big mistake. Touching etc., is a deeply intimate and emotional thing for most people...being the masochist in a scene can likewise raise intimate and emotional feelings...combine the two and what is only friendship can easily jump to one or both imaging the relationship is becoming more, or at the least causing a confusion of emotions during and/or after.

As to expecting it because you allow someone to beat you, it comes back to that communication tool. In a scene where one is beat and one is beating, there is a clear line of expectations which are and have been met if the scene proceeds. Part of that expectation usually is that safety will be ensured, which might or moght not include aftercare depending on the expectaions and personalities of the players in question. I know in the days when I was searching for the right one and gaining experience, testing my pain threshold, there was only ever one Dom who held me afterward, and that was because he had more than friendship feelings for me...the rest did not do it and saw that the arrangement was that both of us were having our needs met by the scening alone and nothing else was expected or welcomed.

Catalina

 

[chris9]

What is after-care?
Reading this thread, and thinking a bit about it, I really don't know. I know I like to cuddle. Before sex, after sex, without sex. I'm that way. So cuddling after a scene would be a matter of course to me.
But I would also think that not cuddling, but maybe putting some lotion or something on beaten skin, giving a blanket and a drink of water to a sub who might not yet be able to really walk around is after-care.
I'm thinking maybe it's just making sure the sub is safe afterwards? Which may include physical stuff, touchy stuff, or just some time to wind down.
If the sub doesn't need or want any touchy stuff, doesn't it mean that leaving them to close the doors by themselves is after-care, because it's what they need? Can it be about what the Dom needs to wind down from 'dom space'?

 

[the captians wench]

I don't necessarily see it as disconnected and uncaring. If the relationship is based on friendship and meeting each other's needs as friends, cuddling and aftercare of the more intimate type could be a big mistake. Touching etc., is a deeply intimate and emotional thing for most people...being the masochist in a scene can likewise raise intimate and emotional feelings...combine the two and what is only friendship can easily jump to one or both imaging the relationship is becoming more, or at the least causing a confusion of emotions during and/or after.

.......

Catalina

Yes Catalina, thank you. That's exactly it. We have to be very careful in what goes on after a scene, or even during. We both realise that we wouldn't work as a couple, but we're great friends, and I wouldn't change that for the world. Those first few moments after he's stoped, if there was too much petting, and cuddling on his end, then it would deffinitly affect the way I saw what had happened, and would start to question his feelings about me.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

What is after-care?
Reading this thread, and thinking a bit about it, I really don't know. I know I like to cuddle. Before sex, after sex, without sex. I'm that way. So cuddling after a scene would be a matter of course to me.
But I would also think that not cuddling, but maybe putting some lotion or something on beaten skin, giving a blanket and a drink of water to a sub who might not yet be able to really walk around is after-care.
I'm thinking maybe it's just making sure the sub is safe afterwards? Which may include physical stuff, touchy stuff, or just some time to wind down.
If the sub doesn't need or want any touchy stuff, doesn't it mean that leaving them to close the doors by themselves is after-care, because it's what they need? Can it be about what the Dom needs to wind down from 'dom space'?

Superb point chris, I know its valid for some Dominants particularily when they have extended both themselves and their submissive into 'darker' areas to really make sure nothing was 'broken'. I am not talking limbs (skin or a sweat ......smiles) here but psyche. Averting possibilities such as say for one example a split second panic . The 'ritual' ( whatever form it takes , including as you said practical measures , warmth, a pillow, blanket, drink of water ) of after care may become not only a conclusion but a practical expression over a time frame where almost unspoken reassurances can be attained both Dominant and submissive alike.

My comments are within the context of a D/s relationship.

 

[riverofshudder]

Personally, as a Dom, I've never needed aftercare to "come down"...no matter how deep or dark I went with my sub. To me that has always been because I'm the one in control and know whats coming. I've made the plan and executed it very well. I apporach a scene it as disciplined and analytical as I try to approach any other task in my life.

I have had experiences where I've left a scene weirded out a bit, due to my sub's reaction to someting or something unexpected, but it's never been anything I can't handle myself. I tend to be very independent and self-assured so I guess it makes sense.

Honestly, if I were a sub and my Dom seemed needy or unsure of themselves in someway I'd call bullshit on that straight away.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Personally, as a Dom, I've never needed aftercare to "come down"...no matter how deep or dark I went with my sub. To me that has always been because I'm the one in control and know whats coming. I've made the plan and executed it very well. I apporach a scene it as disciplined and analytical as I try to approach any other task in my life.

I have had experiences where I've left a scene weirded out a bit, due to my sub's reaction to someting or something unexpected, but it's never been anything I can't handle myself. I tend to be very independent and self-assured so I guess it makes sense.

Honestly, if I were a sub and my Dom seemed needy or unsure of themselves in someway I'd call bullshit on that straight away.

Perhaps we all have different versions of what is 'deep and dark'. As much quality of self assurance is a 'trait' to aspire to in considering submission to a potential Dominant its my experience that these men of shared power are in fact fallable at times and quite able to make mistakes. I neither suggested a quivering mess or lack of discipline.

"the best made plans of mice and men often go awry"

 

[riverofshudder]

Perhaps we all have different versions of what is 'deep and dark'. As much quality of self assurance is a 'trait' to aspire to in considering submission to a potential Dominant its my experience that these men of shared power are in fact fallable at times and quite able to make mistakes. I neither suggested a quivering mess or lack of discipline.

"the best made plans of mice and men often go awry"

I will admit to myself (and my sub) whenever I feel I am wrong and when trying something new I am very open about it. I am also a huge beliver in open communication with my sub, even if it might not be what I want to hear.

I'm more refering to the overall context of the power-give with another though.

Self-assurance is a fine line for many...the next step past the line is cockyness and that's never good....

 

[FurryFury]

Maybe its just about knowing its available.

Like remaining in the room and just being there.

If the submissive wants to crawl up on the lap(or be held), then that's fine. If they want to just want to lay there or kneel there and rock on their own...then that's fine to.

I think aftercare is really up to the needs of the submissive. I think the only thing the Dominant must decide is if they are going to make it available or not.

Given the choice, I would make it known that it is available before hand, and then let them decide after if they want it or not. Seems straight forward to me.

Um! Crawl onto the lap? I LOVE that idea!

*smiles*

Fury

Ahhhh indeed.

I like straight forward lots better than guessing. I don't do bullshit well. ;-) It's always best to know just where everyone stands... Dom/me and submissive alike.

I can do bullshit exceedingly well I just don't want to anymore. It's too tiring. No one has enough power over me to make me care to BS anymore. This is me, like me, don't, whatever. I yam what I yam as Popeye would say! Now where's me spinach? Wasn't that in my sub aftercare contract??? LOL!

Fury

 

[FurryFury]

hmm, I"m a touch person, after a scene I generally want to touch and talk, even if it is in the virtual realm. Now, if my partner doesn't really want to occasionally ok, I can deal with that. Every time? that would be an issue for me. So, one more thing showing its a matter of picking partners that match

*nods* I agree a good match can make ALL the difference!

I usually want a shower! LOL!

But at some point talking together is important so you know how what you did to him was perceived by him or he knows how what he did to you was perceived. This, to me, helps build better scenes and a better relationship.

Fury

It depends on the needs of the partner on how much after care is needed IMO.

After exposing a new sub partner to a new sensation,strange punishment or especially a mindfuck they might need more reassuring than normal.

One must be observant to the signals of their partner after a scene, the Dom is responsible for the joy and emotional well being of their sub and should never take that responsibility lighty by ignoring their needs.

I like the way you think!

Fury

 

[FurryFury]

Personally, as a Dom, I've never needed aftercare to "come down"...no matter how deep or dark I went with my sub. To me that has always been because I'm the one in control and know whats coming. I've made the plan and executed it very well. I apporach a scene it as disciplined and analytical as I try to approach any other task in my life.

I have had experiences where I've left a scene weirded out a bit, due to my sub's reaction to someting or something unexpected, but it's never been anything I can't handle myself. I tend to be very independent and self-assured so I guess it makes sense.

Honestly, if I were a sub and my Dom seemed needy or unsure of themselves in someway I'd call bullshit on that straight away.

I don't necessarily agree. A Dom might want to cuddle and I'd be cool with that as his juices and mine flowed out of my orifices. *L* I just like to cuddle period. I love skin to skin contact.

So I can see the part where you know what's going to happen in the sense that you know what you plan to do but how can you just know the exact reaction you will get? That I don't understand.

Fury

I don't necessarily see it as disconnected and uncaring. If the relationship is based on friendship and meeting each other's needs as friends, cuddling and aftercare of the more intimate type could be a big mistake. Touching etc., is a deeply intimate and emotional thing for most people...being the masochist in a scene can likewise raise intimate and emotional feelings...combine the two and what is only friendship can easily jump to one or both imaging the relationship is becoming more, or at the least causing a confusion of emotions during and/or after.

As to expecting it because you allow someone to beat you, it comes back to that communication tool. In a scene where one is beat and one is beating, there is a clear line of expectations which are and have been met if the scene proceeds. Part of that expectation usually is that safety will be ensured, which might or moght not include aftercare depending on the expectaions and personalities of the players in question. I know in the days when I was searching for the right one and gaining experience, testing my pain threshold, there was only ever one Dom who held me afterward, and that was because he had more than friendship feelings for me...the rest did not do it and saw that the arrangement was that both of us were having our needs met by the scening alone and nothing else was expected or welcomed.

Catalina

Well if it is a friendship only thing I guess that's different. *nods*

I haven't been in such a thing so I wouldn't know but I can see what y'all are saying.

Fury

What is after-care?
Reading this thread, and thinking a bit about it, I really don't know. I know I like to cuddle. Before sex, after sex, without sex. I'm that way. So cuddling after a scene would be a matter of course to me.
But I would also think that not cuddling, but maybe putting some lotion or something on beaten skin, giving a blanket and a drink of water to a sub who might not yet be able to really walk around is after-care.
I'm thinking maybe it's just making sure the sub is safe afterwards? Which may include physical stuff, touchy stuff, or just some time to wind down.
If the sub doesn't need or want any touchy stuff, doesn't it mean that leaving them to close the doors by themselves is after-care, because it's what they need? Can it be about what the Dom needs to wind down from 'dom space'?

I can see that Chris I sure can.

Fury