Afraid to... let go

[slutnextdoor]

I need advice...

I have alot of trouble "letting go" so to speak. BDSM is a partial outlet for my frustrations, as I'm sure it is for many people. The main problem is, I can't let go of my control over my emotions. I can't cry or scream during a scene, no matter how painful or humiliating it becomes. This frustrates me even more, because I desprately want and need to allow myself to lose control, if only for a minute or two.

It is not a problem involving Master, I trust Him completly and am comfortable with showing Him my vunerability. It is myself.. I know that I repress stuff like anger until I crack, no matter what the situation is. The most that will come out of me is a swear or three. The only time I ever have lost my temper was in high school, where I almost broke my knuckle punching a granite wall because I didn't want to hurt anyone. I haven't screamed or cried since I was 13, or at least not in any place where I could be seen or heard.

Does anyone else have this problem or something like it? I hope I don't sound stupid or anything for bringing this up...

Whips and kisses,
Arashi Lilith

 

[Toa_lin]

In modern society that is becoming a bigger and bigger issue. People get conditioned in there pre-teens to "suck it up" so to speak, cus the older they get, the less their peers are apparently tolerant of letting one's emotions go. They start enforcing the mental ideal that crying=weakness and weakness is no-longer acceptible in our modern world. This is a self-defense device to help us survive, but it can be an added frustration for those of us who are into the life.

And whereas I may know the phsychology to say where your coming from and why, ((and tht your not laone with this issue)) I don't know the phsychology to help reverse it. All I know is what I achieved fro myself, and what I'm helping my pyl do. Breaking down the barriers agasint showing emotion of any specific sort, at least when each-other's company... It's hard to start it, cus it normally involves having to let loose a stronger emtion such as anger, and there is a fear attached to that of hurting the other person....

And sadly, this doesn't work for all people, But everyway I have heard of, no matter how unbelievable, always started with the trust of the other person. And as you already stated, you trust your Master, and are comfortible with showing vulnerability to him. So you've already taken teh first, ((though possibly easiest)) step.

I wish i could help more, but all I know is what I learned from a past ex who was a phsych minor lol.

with condolences.

 

[BiBunny]

I tend to be this way, too. Like you said, it has absolutely nothing to do with whether I trust my Master or not. It's how I've always been. I can count on one hand the number of people who've seen me cry after my pre-teen years.

I had a breakthrough about a month ago. Normally, with Master, I would make sobbing noises, but no tears would fall. One night, he pushed me harder than he'd ever pushed me before. Between the unbelievable pain he was causing me and the gentle whispers of, "Let go. Just let it go for me, slave," I finally felt a tear trickle down my face.

Once I started, I couldn't stop. I cried and cried and cried and cried. He stopped hurting me immediately, untied me, and took me in his arms. I cried for a long time, and he held me. When I finally stopped, he made love to me, really made love to me, which, of course, made me start crying all over again.

It's still not something I do easily. He doesn't push me to it often, either. It's only happened once since that first time. I still hate crying in front of him, and sometimes I hate him for being the catalyst, too. When it's over, though, I feel so much better. If he weren't so understanding about it, I doubt I could handle it.

 

[RJMasters]

I need advice...

I have alot of trouble "letting go" so to speak. BDSM is a partial outlet for my frustrations, as I'm sure it is for many people. The main problem is, I can't let go of my control over my emotions. I can't cry or scream during a scene, no matter how painful or humiliating it becomes. This frustrates me even more, because I desprately want and need to allow myself to lose control, if only for a minute or two.

It is not a problem involving Master, I trust Him completly and am comfortable with showing Him my vunerability. It is myself.. I know that I repress stuff like anger until I crack, no matter what the situation is. The most that will come out of me is a swear or three. The only time I ever have lost my temper was in high school, where I almost broke my knuckle punching a granite wall because I didn't want to hurt anyone. I haven't screamed or cried since I was 13, or at least not in any place where I could be seen or heard.

Does anyone else have this problem or something like it? I hope I don't sound stupid or anything for bringing this up...

Whips and kisses,
Arashi

Perhaps the way to let go is not through a whip but through a whisper.

Perhaps you are trying to let go of the wrong thing inside you.

Perhaps the way or the reason being given you to let go is in direct opposition and in direct competition in allowing yourself to let go.


I suppose the first question I would ask is this....how or where did you get the idea that sceneing is the place where you are to let go, cry and scream? Understanding that might be the place to start in understanding why. Did someone tell you that what was suppose to happen in a BDSM scene and you believed them? Is someone asking/commanding it of you?

There are many ways of letting go, some cry, some scream and some giggle. That's right some giggle.

Sometimes the way to help a person "cry" is not to force or beat the anger and fustration or pride out of them, but merely taking the time to sit down with them and share something of truth, or of beauty or of just how much that person means to them and let that touch their soul. As I said sometimes its not through a whip but through a whisper that help some people let go.

I wish you the best as you search for this.

 

[sereneone4u]

Perhaps the way to let go is not through a whip but through a whisper.

Perhaps you are trying to let go of the wrong thing inside you.

Perhaps the way or the reason being given you to let go is in direct opposition and in direct competition in allowing yourself to let go.


I suppose the first question I would ask is this....how or where did you get the idea that sceneing is the place where you are to let go, cry and scream? Understanding that might be the place to start in understanding why. Did someone tell you that what was suppose to happen in a BDSM scene and you believed them? Is someone asking/commanding it of you?

There are many ways of letting go, some cry, some scream and some giggle. That's right some giggle.

Sometimes the way to help a person "cry" is not to force or beat the anger and fustration or pride out of them, but merely taking the time to sit down with them and share something of truth, or of beauty or of just how much that person means to them and let that touch their soul. As I said sometimes its not through a whip but through a whisper that help some people let go.

I wish you the best as you search for this.

Oh my Gawd....I think I love you...*swoon*

 

[myinnerslut]

i dont know what to tell you to let you feel the rellease your seeking, but good luck. im the opposite of you, i cry all the time. sad movies, even sad songs can make the tears start comming. i wish you luck in finding what you are looking for.

 

[BeachGurl2]

Once I started, I couldn't stop. I cried and cried and cried and cried. He stopped hurting me immediately, untied me, and took me in his arms. I cried for a long time, and he held me. When I finally stopped, he made love to me, really made love to me, which, of course, made me start crying all over again.

For me, this is the crux of the matter. In my whole adult life, I've never been in any relationship, including my horrible marriage, where I could completely let it go. Never. As soon as I allow myself to let go a little, I end up discovering that I was mistaken and I'm not entirely 'safe'. And so as each new attempt fails, it gets harder and harder to get to that point. I'm no longer sure that I'll ever be able to fully let it all go. And I'm afraid that what happened to you is what will happen to me. That once I do finally get to the point where I'm forced to let it all go, I won't be able to stop, to recover from it.

For me, there isn't any anger, as the OP mentions. I rarely get angry at much of anything, beyond my ex-husband's treatment of my daughters, but that's another topic altogether. It's the shouldering of life alone that weighs heavy. And after so long of doing it alone, even when I've been in relationships, it's second nature to keep it inside and not let it out. Maybe it's fatalistic, but I always try to remind myself that if I don't have expectations of other people, then I can't be disappointed. If I walk into a situation knowing that I will probably not find what I am looking for, then I won't be let down when it turns out I'm right. I truly don't know what it would take to get me to the point that I feel completely and totally safe in letting go completely. I'm not even sure I would recognize it when/if it ever did happen. But I've stopped beating myself up about it. It is what it is and I am who I am.

My advice for the OP is this. If it's truly anger that you're dealing with, I would seek out help to deal with the anger. Allowing anger to build up inside you is very harmful to you. It can cause all sorts of problems, including health problems. It's not a matter of being able to release the anger in scene, it's a matter of letting the anger out in a safe place and manner. Then the anger inside you isn't part of the scene. I could be way off base here, but I would look at the anger as something completely separate from what else you need to let go of. Or is the anger a cover for something else? Something similar to what Bunny and I have both described? I think I would approach this from that angle. Get the issue of anger separate from otherwise letting go and see where you are. You might find that as you let go of anger outside of scening that letting go isn't a problem any longer.

 

[FurryFury]

I cry at commercials and other things easily. That's because for me, that is a safe way to cry. In general I hate crying. I think it makes me look ugly and weak.

However stuffing feelings down inside yourself, denying they exist, and so on, is dangerous to both physical and mental health for most, if not everyone.

The other night my daughter got angry about something. She screamed at her brother quite abruptly and barred his way with her body for a second. My reaction to this was pure horror. There was a moment there where I hated her, feared her and feared for her. Partly because of the angry people who raised me and my first husband, her biological "father." They way they acted out will, I fear always be with me.

Some people can yell. I'll ignore it knowing that they will let off the steam and let it go. Trusting that they will not be coming at me despite my instant fight or flight response. My husband can't seem to keep from cussing and yelling while doing anything. I've learned it's not directed at me. It's just his way. The tone and the direction of the anger is what sometimes sets me off. I truly felt defeated at this incident.

Back to my daughter, I told her that behavior wasn't acceptable. This only lead to her screaming, stomping and crying. She said "everyone does this when they are mad." I said bull. It is not acceptable to me. I am the parent here. I set the rules. That sort of behavior bothers me in the extreme, particularly from her. It feels one step away or less, from violence, which has been a problem in the past.

I have always tried to give her coping tools that are acceptable. She basically told me that none of those tools mattered which is just like a child in conflict with a parent. She also pointed to progress that she has made which I was happy to acknowledge. That doesn't mean progress should stop though. Soon she will be out in the world. It will be a world that mostly doesn't care about her especially not in the way those around her now do. She needs to know how to cope in a civil way.

In times like that I tend to shut down and get very quiet. I am wary of people (and she is often like this,) who seem to want to make me be upset, cry or shake in anger. I don't trust that sort of thing. I'm not sure I trust me when I act that way. I am not happy when I have to tear into my emotions for them to feel like something is done, be empathetic or whatever. Why should I have to succumb to that state for them to be able to deal with or put aside the conflict? I really hate that. Yet if I don't, they stay for too long in a state of sustained anger, unpredictable and frightening for me to deal with. They are seemingly unable to acknowledge anyone else's feelings, pain or POV without that. I don't understand it and I do hate it.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that while it is good to let your feelings out, in my opinion, one does have to be careful just how they do that. There are ways that are acceptable to the people you are around, and ways that are not, in most cases. Accepting those and finding YOUR safe place and way of letting go are important things to work on. There is a book Prescription For Anger by Gary Hawkins,


http://www.amazon.com/Prescription-Anger-Gary-Ph-D-Hankins/dp/0913342904

that can be very useful in dealing with feelings.

I have also found The Anger Workbook: A 13-Step Interactive Plan to Help You... (Minirth-Meier Clinic Series) by Les Carter, Frank Minirth to be useful.

http://www.amazon.com/Anger-Workbook-13-Step-Interactive-Minirth-Meier/dp/0840745745

Anger is a feeling that most refuse or don't want to aw knowledge. It's one of those things most people sweep under the rug or deep inside themselves and therefore never learn a healthy way of dealing with it.

I've never thought of scening as a way to get my feelings out (with the excepting of spankings that relive tension and guilt, while letting the endorphins out,) and let go in the way you describe wanting to. If you and you partner are both into that though good for you. I suspect it will be a journey of small baby steps and not giant leaps. Hopefully you will both be careful and patient on this sort of journey. I wish I knew more that might help but that's all I can think of right now. It may not hit on anything that you are feeling. These are just my thoughts. Good luck to you.

Fury

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Perhaps the way to let go is not through a whip but through a whisper.

Ain't this the truth?

One of the most intense, hottest, agonizing scenes I ever saw was between a Master of the single tail, and a bottom who had the reputation as being impossible to break down or to get to safeword. It was a matter of pride for the bottom, a challenge that no one had "bested" him. Neither of these men had met before that day. I was there when they were introduced, I listened in to the negotiations, and I was there for every stroke of that scene...

The build up was incredible, the intensity was literally spine-tingling for me to watch. The whip-wielder got the bottom pink, then red, then started leaving welts, broke skin, was leaving stripes...

The bottom was braced, muscles rippling, teeth clenched, eyes closed, he was unmoving, hands gripping the chains in a death grip. He was a stone wall.

And I literally saw the realization hit the whip master and watched the figurative light bulb go off...

He set the whip down, he walked up to bottom, slipped his arms around him and laid his cheek against a cut and bleeding shoulder. I was too far away to hear the words but I could read his lips as he whispered "good boy" and he kissed the wounded boy's back so tenderly _I_ started tearing up.

And it was like the strings were cut on a puppet. The bottom let go, the energy that held him up against the whip vaporized, the tears came, his body shuddering as the weeping took hold... his body wracking up in great heaving wails as the whip master brought him gently to the floor, held him in his arms and rocked and cradled the weeping bottom.

Oh

My

God

I'm glad I witnessed that. It taught me an incredibly valuable lesson. Pain is just one tool for finding release. Tenderness is another.

And I use both now.

 

[RJMasters]

Ain't this the truth?

One of the most intense, hottest, agonizing scenes I ever saw was between a Master of the single tail, and a bottom who had the reputation as being impossible to break down or to get to safeword. It was a matter of pride for the bottom, a challenge that no one had "bested" him. Neither of these men had met before that day. I was there when they were introduced, I listened in to the negotiations, and I was there for every stroke of that scene...

The build up was incredible, the intensity was literally spine-tingling for me to watch. The whip-wielder got the bottom pink, then red, then started leaving welts, broke skin, was leaving stripes...

The bottom was braced, muscles rippling, teeth clenched, eyes closed, he was unmoving, hands gripping the chains in a death grip. He was a stone wall.

And I literally saw the realization hit the whip master and watched the figurative light bulb go off...

He set the whip down, he walked up to bottom, slipped his arms around him and laid his cheek against a cut and bleeding shoulder. I was too far away to hear the words but I could read his lips as he whispered "good boy" and he kissed the wounded boy's back so tenderly _I_ started tearing up.

And it was like the strings were cut on a puppet. The bottom let go, the energy that held him up against the whip vaporized, the tears came, his body shuddering as the weeping took hold... his body wracking up in great heaving wails as the whip master brought him gently to the floor, held him in his arms and rocked and cradled the weeping bottom.

Oh

My

God

I'm glad I witnessed that. It taught me an incredibly valuable lesson. Pain is just one tool for finding release. Tenderness is another.

And I use both now.

That must have been so powerful to watch and witness. I envy you that moment EG and thank you for sharing it.

If I could afford the trip I surely would love to come back east and meet you. I just don't see it happening though this time around. but i will take this opportunity to wish you and yours a happy holiday season and hope you have fun stuffing some stockings

 

[nowgirl]

I have alot of trouble "letting go" so to speak. BDSM is a partial outlet for my frustrations, as I'm sure it is for many people. The main problem is, I can't let go of my control over my emotions. I can't cry or scream during a scene, no matter how painful or humiliating it becomes. This frustrates me even more, because I desprately want and need to allow myself to lose control, if only for a minute or two.

I'm somewhat new here at Lit but as I read this, but I agree with RJ... I wonder if you're equating "letting go" with the more negative aspects of bdsm?

Below, you talk about losing your temper and being angry.

It is not a problem involving Master, I trust Him completly and am comfortable with showing Him my vunerability. It is myself.. I know that I repress stuff like anger until I crack, no matter what the situation is. The most that will come out of me is a swear or three. The only time I ever have lost my temper was in high school, where I almost broke my knuckle punching a granite wall because I didn't want to hurt anyone. I haven't screamed or cried since I was 13, or at least not in any place where I could be seen or heard.

BeachGurl says it too - your anger shouldn't be part of what you and your Master are experiencing. Being in a d/s relationship is what you and your Master make it; whether it involves pain, humiliation, service, restriction... whatever... but all of these should lead to a positive end for you both.

Certainly "letting go" not only involves showing Him your vulnerability but giving that completely over to Him and trusting He'll be ok with how ever you "let go..."

Everyone has posted very insightful thoughts. I suppose I should say that my post is really only my opinion and not a one size fits all answer...

Arashi, I hope you find the ability to let go and enjoy the reward that "letting go" eventually brings...

 

[AvaAdore]

Ain't this the truth?

One of the most intense, hottest, agonizing scenes I ever saw was between a Master of the single tail, and a bottom who had the reputation as being impossible to break down or to get to safeword. It was a matter of pride for the bottom, a challenge that no one had "bested" him. Neither of these men had met before that day. I was there when they were introduced, I listened in to the negotiations, and I was there for every stroke of that scene...

The build up was incredible, the intensity was literally spine-tingling for me to watch. The whip-wielder got the bottom pink, then red, then started leaving welts, broke skin, was leaving stripes...

The bottom was braced, muscles rippling, teeth clenched, eyes closed, he was unmoving, hands gripping the chains in a death grip. He was a stone wall.

And I literally saw the realization hit the whip master and watched the figurative light bulb go off...

He set the whip down, he walked up to bottom, slipped his arms around him and laid his cheek against a cut and bleeding shoulder. I was too far away to hear the words but I could read his lips as he whispered "good boy" and he kissed the wounded boy's back so tenderly _I_ started tearing up.

And it was like the strings were cut on a puppet. The bottom let go, the energy that held him up against the whip vaporized, the tears came, his body shuddering as the weeping took hold... his body wracking up in great heaving wails as the whip master brought him gently to the floor, held him in his arms and rocked and cradled the weeping bottom.

Oh

My

God

I'm glad I witnessed that. It taught me an incredibly valuable lesson. Pain is just one tool for finding release. Tenderness is another.

And I use both now.

Fuck, that's hot...

 

[wicked woman]

Ain't this the truth?

One of the most intense, hottest, agonizing scenes I ever saw was between a Master of the single tail, and a bottom who had the reputation as being impossible to break down or to get to safeword. It was a matter of pride for the bottom, a challenge that no one had "bested" him. Neither of these men had met before that day. I was there when they were introduced, I listened in to the negotiations, and I was there for every stroke of that scene...

The build up was incredible, the intensity was literally spine-tingling for me to watch. The whip-wielder got the bottom pink, then red, then started leaving welts, broke skin, was leaving stripes...

The bottom was braced, muscles rippling, teeth clenched, eyes closed, he was unmoving, hands gripping the chains in a death grip. He was a stone wall.

And I literally saw the realization hit the whip master and watched the figurative light bulb go off...

He set the whip down, he walked up to bottom, slipped his arms around him and laid his cheek against a cut and bleeding shoulder. I was too far away to hear the words but I could read his lips as he whispered "good boy" and he kissed the wounded boy's back so tenderly _I_ started tearing up.

And it was like the strings were cut on a puppet. The bottom let go, the energy that held him up against the whip vaporized, the tears came, his body shuddering as the weeping took hold... his body wracking up in great heaving wails as the whip master brought him gently to the floor, held him in his arms and rocked and cradled the weeping bottom.

Oh

My

God

I'm glad I witnessed that. It taught me an incredibly valuable lesson. Pain is just one tool for finding release. Tenderness is another.

And I use both now.

God that's beautiful.

Perhaps the way to let go is not through a whip but through a whisper.

Another bit of your apparently immense wisdom. *she says having rarely posted, but lurked plenty*

 

[lettinggo]

I haven't read all the responses, but I've experienced that as well. I am extremely emotional; it takes very little to make me cry. I even cry when I orgasm.

But I can't cry when I'm being dominated. It became so frustrating that I asked my first partner to 'break me'. He beat on me (on my ass, anyway) beyond what I thought I was capable of taking, and I still didn't cry. The only time I cried with him was when we were using a Tens and it got unbearable.

I agree with you; there is a great release from crying that I need sometimes. It's frustrating that it doesn't happen sometimes when I feel like I need it the most.

 

[FurryFury]

God that's beautiful.



Another bit of your apparently immense wisdom. *she says having rarely posted, but lurked plenty*

I have to agree with you Wicked Woman on both points!

Fury

 

[sereneone4u]

Ain't this the truth?

One of the most intense, hottest, agonizing scenes I ever saw was between a Master of the single tail, and a bottom who had the reputation as being impossible to break down or to get to safeword. It was a matter of pride for the bottom, a challenge that no one had "bested" him. Neither of these men had met before that day. I was there when they were introduced, I listened in to the negotiations, and I was there for every stroke of that scene...

The build up was incredible, the intensity was literally spine-tingling for me to watch. The whip-wielder got the bottom pink, then red, then started leaving welts, broke skin, was leaving stripes...

The bottom was braced, muscles rippling, teeth clenched, eyes closed, he was unmoving, hands gripping the chains in a death grip. He was a stone wall.

And I literally saw the realization hit the whip master and watched the figurative light bulb go off...

He set the whip down, he walked up to bottom, slipped his arms around him and laid his cheek against a cut and bleeding shoulder. I was too far away to hear the words but I could read his lips as he whispered "good boy" and he kissed the wounded boy's back so tenderly _I_ started tearing up.

And it was like the strings were cut on a puppet. The bottom let go, the energy that held him up against the whip vaporized, the tears came, his body shuddering as the weeping took hold... his body wracking up in great heaving wails as the whip master brought him gently to the floor, held him in his arms and rocked and cradled the weeping bottom.

Oh

My

God

I'm glad I witnessed that. It taught me an incredibly valuable lesson. Pain is just one tool for finding release. Tenderness is another.

And I use both now.

That is just beautiful....

 

[Evil_Geoff]

That is just beautiful....

*smiles*

Why thank you! I consider myself terribly lucky to have been there.

 

[Musing]

Hi all.

I'm like some of the posters here in that I very rarely cry. Very occasionally I'll shed a happy tear but no amount of bad stuff seems to push me over the edge.

I do manifest anger and other stresses in other ways though. I lose my appetite sometimes and at others I'll withdraw somewhere alone to think over whatever's upset me. It does frustrate me a little that I don't have the release of crying. I do deal with things in my own way though and I think that's what's important.

My Sir has said that, when scening he can find me difficult to read because, while I am responsive it's in a rather quiet way. I try to be responsible about safewording because I know Sir will take me at my word rather than push me for another second longer. I'm wary of using the safeword as an excuse and do try to push myself as far as I can.

It's always tenderness that gets me though. I hadn't seen Sir in more than a week and the first thing he did was administer a long, slow, gradual spanking. A fast spanking can get beyond pain in my experience but a slow one, where you're forced to feel every blow and he paces you mercilessly... omg. When I finally safeworded my face was as red as my ass from the effort of holding off as long as i could. My Sir stopped immediately, then he ran his hand from my ass up along my spine and caressed and kissed the back of my neck. His next words were, "I've really missed you." And it was that which brought a lump to my throat.

Back on topic, it sounds like psychobabble but everybody had deep seated reasons for their personal coping strategies. Somewhere in your past you learned not to cry and understanding those experiences may take you a long way toward the release you believe eludes you. Don't set too much store by tears though, there's more than one way to skin a cat.