Advise needed

[Scorpionds1]

I love my wife, but she doesn't satisfy me sexually. I don't want to destroy our marriage by cheating on her. When I try to give her pointers she trys, but just can't get the job done. I just need a little advise. We went almost all last month without having sex. I need some help before I wreck our marriage.

 

[JennyOmanHill]

Not an expert...

Sorry to hear your situation. It does sound like you still love her. I'm single myself but know of other couples who have had similiar problems. I suggest going to marriage counseling; it has helped my friends.

Hope you find the advice to help you, but the answer will only come from your soul.

 

[lovetoread]

Have her come to Lit and have fun.

Let her explore these boards...read the stories.......meet other people who she can talk to.

 

[T.H. Oughts]

Forget doing the "wild thing" for 5 minutes and add some romance back into the days together. Telling and showing a woman how sexy she is or how much you love her can quicken the heart beat for sure...... take nothing for granted.

 

[shmily]

I agree with T.H. Oughts...
get back to the basics. Court her, the old fashion way. Take her out, flowers, breakfast in bed, etc. show her how much you love her without SEX. Talk . . find out whats bothering her. Counseling helps. Bring her here to discover new ideas and friends. Good Luck.

 

[Michael1]

What pleases her?

"Pointers"?

Why not find out what pleases HER and begin there? Even the smallest of pleasures you can bring to her will lead you to explore mutual satisfaction. Seems she wants to please you but perhaps your standards are too great for your relationship. Surely you knew what she was like before you married her or has one of you changed? Maybe you want more, when she was happy with what brought you this far.

I don't wish to sound critical but you say "she doesn't satisfy me sexually"! What exactly does that mean?

Is she too large a fit or is it that she doesn't allow you to lay back and be satisfied? I hate to break it to you but you can certainly have a great sex life sans head jobs.

Maybe you should concentrate on getting YOUR satisfaction by giving HER orgasms.

I may be wrong here but from the small paragraph you write I think you may have selfish tendancies.

 

[blownstar]

Without much more detail on the exact problem you percieve in the relationship I have to agree with T. H. Oughts and Michael1.

The best way to enhance your sex life together is to be more concerned with giving pleasure than recieving it.

Perhaps she is as motivated to get you off as you are to get her off, hmm? In this case she'd be a mirror for you to look in and consider how your relationship works.

Of course, her "problems", as percieved by you, could also just be a lack of skill in the things you give her "pointers" on. Encouragement, love and a lack of pressure to perform will allow her to willingly develop the skills you desire in her.

Perhaps you are placing a great deal of pressure on her to perform and this makes her very uncomfortable. Sometimes men can be quite rotten sometimes without realizing how uncomfortable we've made our partners feel. Empathy for how she feels about whatever it is your giving her pointers on could be helpful towards YOU understanding how she feels about the whole thing. Also, positive encouragement and love can go a long ways towards taking the pressure to perform off of her. NO one performs as best they can in any endeavor when they feel they're being coerced into action.

The word married means two people (usually) and when there are two people you have two different viewpoints. Explore her viewpoint some and consider how she feels about it all.

Counseling is always an option, and probably not a bad idea if you don't find much in the above ideas/posts to help or if you don't see yourself as part of the problem.

 

[taxidriver]

I can't see how counselling can hurt (not unless you go to a quack).

I guess he both of you need to realize there's a problem. Does she see that it affects you? If she does, with any luck.. you might be able to persuade to go with her to counselling.

While all these well meaning people here might think coming here to an online outlet might be fine, I'd recommend PROFESSIONAL advice (no offense meant to anyone, really!). I'm sure professional counsellors have seen lots more and have studied more relationship things than all that's posted here. Hopefully they can work it out with the both of you. It might not be a quick fix, but with some work and loving, I'm hopeful for you two.

Good luck!

 

[Scorpionds1]

Reply

For the record, I am very attentive of my wife. I often bring her flowers, give her back rubs, and tell her how much she means to me, and I mean it. We are good for each other in many ways, it is just that I came into the marriage with much more sexual experience than she did. I love my wife very much, but she seems to not want to change her routine in bed. Perhaps counseling is the answer. I only wanted to know what some of you might to in a similar situation. My love for my wife is not centered around sex, but it is an area I would like to see some improvement in.

 

[JarlsAxe]

Well, I've been in your shoes so to speak, communication is definatly the key, has she read "Joys of Sex"? Or perhaps one of the myriad of other books that try to help?

My wife of 24yrs and I were not sexually compatable, still had a reasonably good marriage. Not saying it didn't end, but it was amicable.

I almost hate to suggest this, but perhaps her sexual drive is less than she'd like? Ever looked into herbal supliments to help? Consult medical help?

Love doesn't always lead to sexual compatability, but a willingness by both to try something different would be a good start.