Advice requested

[getmesumnow]

While I agree that therapy and such is important before trying to have a relationship, it does reach a point where interaction is necessary for the healing process. You can't depend on others to "fix you" like a couple of posters have worried about, but abuse will affect your life for decades more, in one degree or another, and it's stupid to let that keep you from ever experiencing a relationship.

It sounds like what you need right now is to find a way to be comfortable with single men and the dating dynamic.

Perhaps there are singles' volleyball leagues or book clubs in your area? If you like gaming there are lots of awesome geek guys out there who are willing to have fun without banging right away. Think about what sorts of things you enjoy that could be done with a partner. Have fun with it, maintain some single guy friends that you can do stuff with. Once you're comfortable then you can think about having sex or serious relationships.
Good luck and have fun!

Hi FatSexyGirl, You said it better than I could; I think I am at the point where I need interaction to continue to move forward. Talking about it with a therapist was great, and what I needed to start the process, but now I need to go out and have some experiences with men. I think you are right, I do need to just focus on getting comfortable with the dating dynamic, well just the get comfortable with socializing with men in general. Lol, and I think I need to find where the geeks hang out and head in that direction based on your advice . Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it.

Don't get too caught up in the idea that there's only one way to date and if you get the magic rituals wrong you'll fail. I never figured out how dating is supposed to work, and yet somehow I managed to find long-term relationships.

(You probably will fail, several times, just because those are the odds EVERYBODY lives with when looking for love. It stings every time, but it's not the end of the world unless you let it be.)

My advice:

- There's only so far you can go to make romance happen. There's a paradox at work: trying to hard to find a partner tends to make it HARDER because neediness isn't sexy. Work on meeting people, making friends, having fun, and being confident in yourself.

- Don't be afraid to date friends. Yes, there are risks, but there are also rewards.

- Don't be afraid to say up-front what you're looking for. Yes, that may scare away people who don't want the same thing you do. But isn't it better to weed them out up-front rather than investing several months into a relationship that's not going anywhere?

- Remember that not everybody is looking for a beanpole.

Thank you Bramblethorn for your advice, I appreciate you taking the time to post on this thread. I think you are right, there isn’t really one way to date. It occurred to me when I was reading your post that I need to be thinking more about being authentic in the process of dating instead of worrying about messing up or making some social faux pas. I’m likely to do both , but that is the messy process of finding someone to share your life with I guess. Thanks again!!

The other thing you are going to work on IMO is the need not to think of yourself as damaged good or whatnot, as you kind of joked about. In a sense, the fact that you were abused should be the last thing you think of when pursuing relationships, because while I would be the last one to say it isn't important, in terms of relationships it can't be. You need to understand you prob have a lot to offer people you might want to date or pursue a relationship with, and if you put the abuse first, as in "I am an abuse victim" it is going to cause you to poison your efforts IMO, because you are in effect telling yourself I am not good enough for the person I am dating. Look at your good attributes, the things you think are worthwhile about yourself, and concentrate on those. Unless a relationship starts getting serious, the abuse issue may not even be a factor, but if you keep it there like a scarlet letter "A" it won't even let it get into the beginning phases.

I have experience with something not really related but it might be relevant. A lot of trans folks when they are trying to establish themselves end up with a mindset we used to call 'tranny vision", where they focused everything through being trans. You would be talking about some issue, and they would respond "as a trans woman" or whatever, and the rest of us would be like "WTF?". They would have trouble with someone and assume it was because they were transgendered, rather then figuring out they actually had done something stupid to the other person. One person I know transitioned on the job, and their employer was really cool, supported them, but then in a support group they were complaining about their job and were blaming it on being trans..but then people started asking what she meant, and it turned out she didn't like the job she had been doing (it was a tech job, repairing cable tv equipment) and had been kind of not performing well and it was being noticed.....it took us a while, especially those of us with management background, to tell her the problem was she wasn't performing....and then suggested ways she could move into other areas and be happy, but not to blame it on being trans. The relevancy in that to your situation is it is very easy when you have something you are wrestling with, whether it be abuse or being transgendered, it is easy to put it at the forefront of everything and it ends up hurting you, if you are trans and assume everyone is reacting to you being trans rather then looking at motives, you end up shutting people out who otherwise liked you, and so forth.

I can see your point njlauren, I think people do have the tendency to attribute a lot of things in their lives to what they identify themselves as. I can see how that would play out if I allow myself to limit my identity to solely being an abuse survivor. That is really just a part of me and part of why I think and react the way I do. I also can’t assume my lack of romantic relationships is anchored to the after effects of being abused; there can also be other factors. I think I do tend to wear a scarlet A emotionally and I sometimes assume other people will perceive me as broken or used goods if they knew about my past. I know thinking like that is not helpful; it really can only lead to more problems for me. It is hard to stay on top of challenging those thoughts when I have them and replace them with more objective and accurate thoughts. Thanks for your advice, I do appreciate you taking your time to post here .

I don't know if this helps and it might be my very own case of arrested development, but I never particularly felt different as I got chronologically older...it still feels like I'm a 14 year old at the dance...

Not a lot changed for me. I always aimed high, some thought over my head. caught one...that took a couple of decades out of my life, and now that im chasing girls again, its like I'm a 14 year old again, just with better game this time.

I will say though dating changed, but that won't affect you much if you didn't date...i do think its more sexually charged...(might be that I'm just irresistible)...

I failed for a while to get a date...I found out that its easier to get laid than to get a date.

Hi Query, it is good to know that other people feel like an awkward teenager when it comes to dating . It is funny because teenagers seem to think everyone is watching them and will see all their imperfections when the truth is everyone else is so worried about hiding their own flaws they don’t have time to notice ours. It does seem kind of odd that it is easier to get laid then get a date , but I suppose it takes less time to have sex than to develop a relationship. Thank you for your comments.

As for the OP, hang in there. Change is difficult and expect to make mistakes and feel uncomfortable. I truly believe a life without connections to others, especially romantic connections, is a half-life. Don’t let the choices of someone else limit what you can enjoy in life. Seems like you have already lost a lot of time limiting yourself because of fear, don’t give any more of your life to those who abused you.

Thank you for your response Miss Bonita. I think a life without deeper relationships is empty, and I really don’t want to live like that anymore. I read somewhere about getting angry and using your anger as an emotional motivator to take back your power when someone has taken it away from you. That idea came to mind when I read your statement about not giving any more of my life to those who hurt me. It does piss me off that I surrendered so much time to hiding and half living and that anger encourages me to what to fight to get my life back, or at least what is left of it.

On a first date, I'd suggest saying something like "I haven't been on a date for a while, so I'm a bit nervous". Most guys would understand that, and it avoids having to share a lot of information up front. I've got some health issues that I don't share on first dates. If after a few dates, it looks like a serious relationship is going to develop then that's when I say something, but even then, I don't think you need to tell them everything, all at once.

On the issue of how to start, have your considered joining an internet dating site? That way, you can get to know a bit about someone before you meet them face to face. My sister met her husband that way, and it seems to be working for them!

Hi Ozfetishguy, I think your right, being vague in the beginning about why I might be nervous would be a good way to acknowledge my nervousness without giving unnecessary details. I am a little worried that they might ask how long it has been since my last date , but I could make a joke or something to make it seem like it isn’t a big deal. I signed up for a dating site about a month ago, it has been interesting but not very fruitful. I still have 2 more months paid on it so, you never know, maybe I could meet some people on there. Thanks for posting .

Inquite should be quiet. S/he is being an asshole. If you want to talk, pm me.

Hi Reader, thanks for your support.

 

[NomadLady]

Dating jitters are the same at any age. Don't worry about the age thing, just find someone and get a date. I know the therapy has brought out a lot of things for you but in this case you might really be "over-thinking" the whole thing somewhat. So what if you screw up a date or two in the beginning? it's the only way YOU will figure out how the whole thing works. I've been single since I was 39 and have dated VERY little in the last 10 years but don't have a problem getting laid if that's what I want. I also had gastric bypass surgery in 2011 and have lost 120 lbs but have yet to have a REAL date since the weight loss. If someone is interested in dating you, don't worry about the rest of it until a problem comes up....just take things one step at a time and I bet you will be fine...

 

[silverwhisper]

OP: there's a lot of information you've received.

i definitely agree that focusing on being authentic is going to be a whole lot easier for you than the alternatives. plus, people often pick up on when people aren't being themselves, and that's obviously a buzzkill.

so the question becomes: where do you meet people?

it would seem to me that there are a host of places you could do so. since you mention that you're socially awkward (and i'm guessing introverted?), you might find it easier to become involved in some kind of group.

see about checking out your local toastmasters chapter. i know a few folks who were very awkward for whom participation in the group worked wonders for their self-confidence and interpersonal communication skills.

this will accomplish several goals:

1) gets you meeting people, which is a good thing, in a safe environment.
2) helps you develop techniques to address your awkwardness.
3) who knows, you might even find someone of interest!

work on you: the rest will come in time. promise.

ed

 

[Ozfetishguy]

Hi Ozfetishguy, I think your right, being vague in the beginning about why I might be nervous would be a good way to acknowledge my nervousness without giving unnecessary details. I am a little worried that they might ask how long it has been since my last date , but I could make a joke or something to make it seem like it isn’t a big deal. I signed up for a dating site about a month ago, it has been interesting but not very fruitful. I still have 2 more months paid on it so, you never know, maybe I could meet some people on there. Thanks for posting .

If a guy asks how long it's been since your last date, you could say something vague like "a while". I think most guys would take the hint, and not press the issue. Personally, I wouldn't ask a woman how long it's been since she's been on a date because it's not something I'd be concerned about.

Sorry to hear you haven't had much luck so far with the dating site. As you say, hopefully you'll meet someone in the next two months

 

[getmesumnow]

Just a quick update

I finally went on a date last week and I think the guy was more nervous than I was. It was with a man I met online. We have chatted quite a bit before we met and we only met because I happened to be traveling in his part of the country last week. Unfortunately due to distance we won't really be able to pursue something face to face but it was nice to get together with a guy I connect with and just have fun. We held hands and he did kiss me . . . and I didn't faint or fall apart

 

[satindesire]

I finally went on a date last week and I think the guy was more nervous than I was. It was with a man I met online. We have chatted quite a bit before we met and we only met because I happened to be traveling in his part of the country last week. Unfortunately due to distance we won't really be able to pursue something face to face but it was nice to get together with a guy I connect with and just have fun. We held hands and he did kiss me . . . and I didn't faint or fall apart

I was extremely shy, mostly anxiety-mute with really severe social anxiety around any people that weren't my immediate family during my youth and most of my teenage years. It took me realizing that I had zero friends and the only people I spoke to that weren't my parents were my co-workers and then only because I was forced to did I finally make changes.

There is no level of social stuntedness you can't recover from, in my opinion. You're already way past the first few steps and doing well, from this post! Making sure you're forcing yourself past those situations that used to make you freeze up and 100% SURE you were just going to DIE if you talked to that person is the key in growing past it forever and finally becoming totally at ease with the peenie jungle out there.

A lot of people get into this pattern of behavior where they'll feel anxious, then do something to calm that anxiety, and it sets up a nasty feedback loop in their brains that makes it like any other kind of addiction. You have to literally re-train yourself to be okay around dudes. You can do it. Willpower is like a muscle, and gets stronger the more you train it. The more you make yourself talk to men and date, the easier it gets.

Prayers for you in the future!

*assorted craziness*

Holy shit, you are one hot mess basketcase of misogyny, aren't ya?

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

pardon me

Dear Get:
Pardon me for being undiplomatic but quit the hell worrying about how you are going to be perceived by dates or potential dates and get what YOU want and need Get with you therapist and figure out what you need to do to become concerned with you, your wants, your needs, your desires and your predilections. If a guy can't handle your limitations and rules of behavior (such as wanting intimacy before you are ready) he can piss off in a hurry.
One of the terrible, terrible effects of abuse is that it leaves the victim feeling that they do no count and that they are worthless and unlovable. It's your job and the therapists job to learn all those things are WRONG!!

 

[Athalia]

I finally went on a date last week and I think the guy was more nervous than I was. It was with a man I met online. We have chatted quite a bit before we met and we only met because I happened to be traveling in his part of the country last week. Unfortunately due to distance we won't really be able to pursue something face to face but it was nice to get together with a guy I connect with and just have fun. We held hands and he did kiss me . . . and I didn't faint or fall apart

Good for you!

Keep your hopes high but your expectations low. There really are gentle men out there who are also gentlemen. As you acquire more experience, you'll be able to tell them from the lower forms of life.

Don't hide your history, but make sure to tell them that you're trying to put it behind you and need a little help. The kind of guys you want to meet won't have a problem with that.

I know. I've been there. (See some of my previous posts.)

 

[Noor]

Science fiction conventions at least the ones I go to seem to be fairly accepting of people's alt lifestyles, stuff and sex issues, Also lots of fan boys don't have sex until late so you wouldn't stand out that much.

I don't know how good sex is, I imagine it depends on the guy(s).

Flashbacks happen, just hope you get lucky and the person you are with realizes them for what they are and doesn't judge you on them. People who haven't been violated often have no concept of what it is like.

The weight thing and being more vulnerable when thinner is because most people who have been abused use their weight as a kind of protection and defense. At 110 pounds many men can overpower a woman, but at 350lbs they can't.

I suspect that increased sexual feelings may come from from the release of estrogen from fat cells as the shrink.

 

[Noor]

I finally went on a date last week and I think the guy was more nervous than I was. It was with a man I met online. We have chatted quite a bit before we met and we only met because I happened to be traveling in his part of the country last week. Unfortunately due to distance we won't really be able to pursue something face to face but it was nice to get together with a guy I connect with and just have fun. We held hands and he did kiss me . . . and I didn't faint or fall apart

Yes, that sounds very positive!

I don't like kissing until I am physically comfortable with and used to a person. I like to touch first and see how it feels...