Advice please

[raining_girl]

Hi everyone,

I'm introducing myself (Hello!) I must admit because I need to ask a question. (Sorry!) To be honest, I could really do with some advice please, about first time sub experiences. I guess I'm asking the Subs, but if any Doms chuck in their four cents I certainly wouldn't dare to complain...

And please don't think this is some kind of feeding-time-at-the-zoo post like the person that just called you all perverts. Please.

Right.
Recently I met this guy online who has tried a bit of D/S stuff and really wants to get into it much more. I'd never thought about it specifically (although it's only the D/S stories I read on Lit, and my sex life is part way there already). He's been reading around the subject for ages but not met the right girl. We've exchanged a lot of mails, (and I've been internet dating for years - I'm good at weeding out the dodgy ones), and he really doesn't come across as a nutter (although that's what I'm going to check when I meet him...)

Since mailing him I've read this entire board (and it rocks by the way), also most of the cafe, plus sites like enslavement.org and tanos' pages and and so on. I even read this (VERY long) essay (http://www.enslavement.org.uk/yld-healthy.html) and thought; 'well that should be alright then'.

In fact, I think I might have found my sexual home (hurrah!). On paper, at least, I appear to be a natural sub who should have realised years ago that's what was missing from her real life and her sex life.

But I'm kind of scared because apart from rough stuff, and a little bit of bondage, I've never done it for real. I really think I should get into it, and this man and I are meeting up soon, but ....

.... this is the 'But'

how do you know when you're ready for the mental head play?

I am totally into the concept, but how much of a leap actually is it from liking being used, and restrained, and hurt, to that emotional/ almost role playing thing? Did you start saying Master the first time you were together or is that part of it that comes later? Do you feel like a silly virgin all over again, even though you've been having sex for years? <insecure> It's all very well some woman writing a learned essay, it's the practical exam (pun intended) that's freaking me out now!

I'm asking because even if it doesn't happen with this man, I'm looking out for it now, so I still need to make the first step sometime.

So I really need some advice, and you're the only people I can ask. You don't know me, but I kind of know you, through your many posts; please take this long, rambling question as a compliment.

thank you

raining_girl
x

 

[Bachlum Chaam]

My lady I would say the most important thing is to ensure your safety, I rather bang on about it too much but tis the single most important point.

The ladies here will help as always. You should always talk discuss and take it very slow, you have a long time to learn what you want. Good luck to you my lady

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Yes I agree that taking it slow is a good set of advice to follow.

It sounds to me like you are on the right track so far by reading everything you can and researching. Something you might try, which helped me, is to find a BDSM check list (a really good interactive one on www.soulshaven.com) and fill it out. It will help you discover what you are and are not into. That is what both Master and I did when we first started out. Then after you gain r/l experiences, go back and revisit your checklist, adding likes and dislikes based on those experiences.

Just a thought. Best of luck to you in your journey.

dixi

 

[catalina_francisco]

Hi and welcome to the community here.....is a great place to hang. I can only answer from my own experience, and realise others may feel differently or have other experiences to relate. To me it solunds as if you have well and truely done your homework, and not only know what it is you are asking for, but know what you want. My advice for a first time is to make sure you feel safe with the other person, and trust goes both ways, and you have also checked as much as possible about where they are at, and a safe call. That out of the way (and I am sure you have read plenty about the safety aspects already), it is, or was for me both exciting and scary the first time I made my dreams become reality.

It is great if you can have a play partner who is willing to help you explore what it is you enjoy, where your limits may lay for now...better still if you are one of the few who meet that 'one' from the start. Slow is definately a good way to go most times, with lots of discussion before to communicate your fears, anxieties, needs, expectations, as well as guage if they are able to help you on your journey.

My own experience was, from that first time, I could never go back to vanilla and knew what I needed to fulfil my life. That may or may not be your experience, but from the way you express yourself, I would say you will have much the same positive and elated feeling about it. As for whether to call them Master first time, I think that is a point to discuss with them and how they feel, and more importantly what that would mean. If it meant to them you were committing to them, and that was not your wish, you definately need to know first before going there.

Three more things to remember are, you are entitled to a safe word and to expect it to be honoured if you choose to use it; everyone has to start one day so you are not alone at feeling inexperienced (heck I still feel inexperienced in some ways after being married to Master for a year!!); and it is best to look at it as a learning experience, not a test you have to pass.....you only have one way to gain the experience you yearn, and even the Dominant you play with was a beginner one time.

Best advice? Relax and enjoy to the optimum and let him guide you through those first unsteady steps. If you want to ask me anything else feel free to PM me or ask here.

Catalina

 

[Desdemona]

Hi there. Let me echo the advice... take it slow. I did alot of internet dating in my time also. However, before engaging in any D/s play, you should ensure that you feel very very comfortable and safe with this guy. I generally don't reccomend playing at the first meeting, however, there are exceptions to that rule.

Start out light. See how it feels. Reality is very different from fantasy. After almost a year with Master, we are just working up to some things. We are gradually adding to our activities as we both feel ready.

In terms of calling him Master or using other titles, I am of the opinion that those titles are earned over time and are used in established relationships. That isn't true for everyone. Talk it over and see how he feels about it. See what it means to him. See if you both are comfortable with using such a title at this time.

I waited years before I had the courage to act on my desires. I remember how it feels to need it badly and be nervous about taking that first step. With some common sense precuations and communication, you should be safe.

Feel free to PM me also.

 

[Daedalus77]

I'm very big on using the bdsm checklist for first time play meetings. Even if both parties are experienced it makes sure everyone is in the same ballpark. BDSM covers a lot of ground and what is regular to one may be an unthinkable hard limit to another.

 

[raining_girl]

Thank you everybody - very much - for what you've said so far. I think that the key thing is not to do anything rushed, or rash!

And I have created an identity at SoulShaven on the advice of Dixi and Daedalus. I'm in the UK and it's past 1.00 a.m., so I think I'll leave doing the checklist till tomorrow...


And he can do it too. If he doesn't want to I shall take that as a clue!

Do you think all this communication is what makes your relationships so strong? I feel like I'm making an enormous commitment to this and nothing's even happened yet..

Thanks again - 'night all.

R.

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

Do you think all this communication is what makes your relationships so strong? I feel like I'm making an enormous commitment to this and nothing's even happened yet..

I can only speak for myself, of course, but to answer your question....a resounding YES!!! Communication was and continues to be one of the foundations of our relationship. We talked at length before we ever met in person. We continue to talk about every facet of our relationship on a daily basis. I tell Him everything. We nip potential problems in the bud before they even become potential problems. We value our relationship far too much to NOT make the committment to continue communicating our day-to-day wants, desires, needs, and issues with each other.

~anelize

 

[His Flower]

I feel like I'm reiterating everything that everyone else is saying here, but it's just so important that the person you're with you feel safe with.

One thing I did was the first couple of times I met up with my Sir when I did meet him in person was I made sure that one of my friend knew where and who I was with at all time. I would check in with her to let her know that I was okay, and I wasn't getting murdered or something. (I know I know, that sounds so extreme, but hey I'm an extremely cautious person).

As for calling him Sir or Master. That really depends on you. How comfortable are you with it? For me at the beginning, I found it hard to call him Sir without giggling or really totally meaning it. But overtime, Sir/Master seems to come out more naturally for me.

I hope you have a great time with this man...and you find everything you're looking for. But hey do share (if you wish, about ur experience), don't be a stranger.

We're reallly nice people here.



His Flower

 

[s'lara]

i've read this article before at the internal enslavement website ... a good base to use if you want to give someone a clue as to the type of slave you would like to have.

That said, an article, essay, or novel will not provide you with the tools you need to venture into the lifestyle. i read quite a bit, but it was talking with subs/slaves and Dominants who had some experience that led me to believe i'd found what i needed.

You made a few comments that stood out to me and they centered around your sex life. Please don't take this wrong, but it is kind of risky confusing sexual predilections with a need for D/s or even to be someone's slave. There is so much more to submission as you know from your reading and if you want it bad enough, make the effort to garner lots of information upfront prior to launching into a meeting. The meeting is a huge step and should only happen with trust ... not with frenzy. *smiles*

Talk to other submissives/slaves/bottoms before venturing out on a meeting. Read more ... lots more. There are many who are willing to help and quite a few organizations that can assist you safely in your journey ... the library should have much of this information.

Good luck to you and i hope your discoveries are done safely and reap nothing but joy.

lara

 

[FungiUg]

Welcome. Everyone's aleady suggested the "take it slow", so I'm sure you have that as your mantra now.

I'd normally suggest you play with an experienced dominant who is okay about taking things slowly and helping to show you your boundaries and limits. But this is very dependent on your personal morality as well (and of course, finding an experienced dominant you can trust.)

I always stress one rule to any submissive I play with, and it's this: common sense. Trust your own judgement, ensure your own safety, and allow yourself to let go and have fun. Sure. But also use your common sense. You probably have a better sense of how far to push things and how fast to go than anyone else.

Trust yourself. Before you trust anyone else.

Have fun, and best of luck!

 

[Justina123]

Do you feel like a silly virgin all over again, even though you've been having sex for years? <insecure>

I have felt like this many, many times with Sir, and with other play partners, although I am a middle aged mother of six! It is one of the mental parts of D/s I love so much...when a Dominant totally focuses on me during play and takes his time to guide my behavior, etc. it does wonderful things to my inside and I don't feel the least bit old, all the cares kind of melt away. Yes, maybe there's a little bit of insecurity, but to me it's a turn on, and the wonderful feeling of having pleased and been well used by the Dominant just sends me.

Happy exploring!

- justina

 

[raining_girl]

Everyone has been so kind I feel bad singling people out, but with apologies, I wanted to answer these two ...

s'lara said;
Please don't take this wrong, but it is kind of risky confusing sexual predilections with a need for D/s or even to be someone's slave.

You're absolutely right, and I don't take it the wrong way. That is part of what I'm struggling with and I will take your advice to heart and think carefully about what I'm feeling (in my head and my heart I mean! Not anywhere else...). Thank you.


And His Flower said;
We're reallly nice people here.

I know! Thank you so much for replying - everyone - at such length and so frankly. It has helped a lot to direct my thinking and research.


I'm back in turmoil again, but for me, turmoil is a place where I think intensely - then clearly. So it's a good thing.

If and when there's a next installment you'll know about it. Who knows? In a year from now it might be me dishing out advice to worried newbies.... eek!


R

 

[His Flower]

I'm back in turmoil again, but for me, turmoil is a place where I think intensely - then clearly. So it's a good thing.

If and when there's a next installment you'll know about it. Who knows? In a year from now it might be me dishing out advice to worried newbies.... eek!


R

I wish you best of luck with everything. I know I may not know everything....but when u ask, there's always bound to be someone around who will. Keep us updated if u want. And of course....welcome abroad.


His Flower