Advice please; Has this happened to you?

[Switch-Back]

Hello, forgive me I am new at this,

I am a woman in a relationship with someone I've trusted. We've tended to switch; however, i think he may be a very controlling person who likes to be dominated (I don't know the exact term), and we tend to switch things back and forth.

However one day things got out of control and i got really hurt, in that i got bruised and he just wouldn't stop or let me go. i was into it I thought at the time, so I didn't feel really to scared...but a few days later i felt bruised and scared all of a sudden.

does this make any sense? i thought i was consenting to being in the position i was in so i have no right to complain, but a few days later, i was all shaky and crying and had a black eye and lots of bruises and rope burns and stuff. and i was more shaken up then i thought.

How do you get used to figuring out your limits, I guess is my question? and should i stay with this guy? he was more upset at the time than I was. we haven't talked about it, it was about 2 weeks ago. we've just had 'regular' sex.

-

 

[Killishandra]

Hello, forgive me I am new at this,

I am a woman in a relationship with someone I've trusted. We've tended to switch; however, i think he may be a very controlling person who likes to be dominated (I don't know the exact term), and we tend to switch things back and forth.

However one day things got out of control and i got really hurt, in that i got bruised and he just wouldn't stop or let me go. i was into it I thought at the time, so I didn't feel really to scared...but a few days later i felt bruised and scared all of a sudden.

does this make any sense? i thought i was consenting to being in the position i was in so i have no right to complain, but a few days later, i was all shaky and crying and had a black eye and lots of bruises and rope burns and stuff. and i was more shaken up then i thought.

How do you get used to figuring out your limits, I guess is my question? and should i stay with this guy? he was more upset at the time than I was. we haven't talked about it, it was about 2 weeks ago. we've just had 'regular' sex.

-

Well, first of all, I don't think anyone here on Lit is qualified to tell you whether you "should" or should not stay with your boyfriend, especially based on the limited info we have about your relationship. If you're shaken up by the incident, and he was also "more upset" than you were, and yet you two have not talked about the incident... Well, the first advice I'd give you is to address the issue. Open up the lines of communication. If you're feeling something, you need to share that with your partner, especially if this incident had such a profound effect on you that you're doubting whether you should still be with him afterwards.

Secondly, after having shall we say "BDSM sex" (usually called scening but it depends on what's happening and also who's definition of what a scene is) most people indulge in what is known as "aftercare." This is where the aggressor/top half comforts the submissive (you, in that instance) and expresses to them that they are loved and cared for. It's also an opportunity to discuss what you both experienced and share both good and bad afterthoughts.

I don't think it's that unusual to feel doubts or shock days after a situation like that. I do think more communication is needed between the two of you, and that could prevent these kinds of negative feelings in the future. Another thing that bothers me is that you say he didn't stop when you got hurt (I'm assuming it was more hurt than you intended or wanted.) I'd really recommend coming up with a safeword for you and your partner to agree upon... That way if either of you wants to stop everything immediately you can just say your safeword (for example, alot of people use "red" to code for stop, but you can pick anything you want, obviously) and everything comes to a halt.

Remember: Communication, communication, communication!

 

[cinnamonstick]

I was wondering if you had a safe word? If yes, did you use it? If you don't have one yet you need one.
What happened may be difficult to discuss but it needs to be so the both of you can understand what went wrong. Ignoring it will not make it go away.
Communication is very important.

 

[marieR19]

I don't really have anything else to say except what's already been said.... I definately think there needs to be more communication going on, maybe make it more of an actual scene where you talk about what you do and don't want to happen beforehand, so that nothing like that happens again. And safewords are a must, I know that firsthandedly... I don't have one even though I know I should, and I kinda regret not having one to use on a specific occasion. Mainly, I just wanted to give a hug. *big hugs*


Heather

 

[His_pita]

Yeah I agree that you have to sit down and really talk about what happen and how to not let that happen again. You shouldn't be left scared afterwards. I would hate that. I also agree you have to have safe words. He needs to know if he is getting close to the edge of your limits or has crossed them. Take care of yourself.

 

[chris9]

>snip<However one day things got out of control and i got really hurt, in that i got bruised and he just wouldn't stop or let me go. i was into it I thought at the time, so I didn't feel really to scared...but a few days later i felt bruised and scared all of a sudden.

does this make any sense? i thought i was consenting to being in the position i was in so i have no right to complain, but a few days later, i was all shaky and crying and had a black eye and lots of bruises and rope burns and stuff. and i was more shaken up then i thought.

I don't think I really understand what happened. Did you ask him to stop, safeword or anything, but didn't feel too scared when he didn't listen? Then you need to either have a safeword or a very serious conversation with him about respecting it.
Or didn't you feel scared, frightened, whatever during the scene (or only a bit), and then days later realized (maybe sub-conscious) that you went too far? Then you found one of your limits, for example being bruised, marked for any length of time.

How do you get used to figuring out your limits, I guess is my question? and should i stay with this guy? he was more upset at the time than I was. we haven't talked about it, it was about 2 weeks ago. we've just had 'regular' sex.

I believe there are many ways to figure out your limits. One is imagination. If you can't imagine/don't want this ever to happen, it's a limit. It might change with time or different partners, so it helps to reevaluate your limits every now and then.
The more difficult part is, where you don't know you have a certain limit beforehand and just find you have it when a situation triggers it. That's a point where a safeword can be used.

In any case you have to communicate your existing limits to your partner, he has to tell you his. You both should be aware that limits might arise during play, or even after, as seems to be the case for you.
Communication is the key here. You should also think about going very slowly in the future, having little breaks from playing, maybe take a drink or something, talk about what happened, what you enjoyed or hated, if you're ready to take it a little further. Going slowly step by step might not be so much fun, or so much 'story-like', but can help long-time enjoyment.

I can't see from what you wrote why you would want to leave him. But if you feel the level of trust needed for any control play is not there anymore, you should be very careful of what you do with him.

 

[catalina_francisco]

First it sounds as if you both need to improve and increase your communication skills with each other, and secondly perhaps, you both need to have a serious discussion about limits, what you expect, and what is acceptable at this point. That being said, you also need to realise that if you are playing hard and this is new to you, it is not unusual to have moments when you question the sanity or acceptability of what has happened once you are well out of scene and can step back a little to look at it when you are not in the moment, nor is it unusual to have injuries for days afterward. At those times you are not in a situation where you are feeling the things you might have felt at the time, so it is natural you are going to perhaps feel a little edgy about what happened and what it means once you are out of the moment.....it also happens often when you are new to D/s and get confused thoughts about the difference between D/s and abuse, and where you draw the boundaries for you, and where and when you are willing and ready to shift those boundaries.

A lot of the confusion can be part of the way we are raised to believe what love should be and what constitutes abuse in a vanilla sense....but is not necessarily what you need. I would hesitate before taking the option of breaking the relationship unless the other person blatently ignored your safeword and seemed to be comfortable with hurting you beyond what you felt was acceptable....which it sounds as if you enjoyed and accepted at the moment. It is unfair to react negatively and like it was abusive after the fact because you are feeling unsure, much like someone who agrees freely to sex, enjoys it, then days later for whatever fear they have, claim it was rape.....you cannot use hindsight to change what has already happened, but you can use it to guide you as to what you feel comfortable with and ready to accept, then convey that knowledge to the one you are playing with and discuss what path the future relationship should take. You say you consented at the time, and you were not upset even though your partner was....so it sounds to me you enjoyed what happened but after have begun to question it, perhaps from the perspective of thinking what others might think if they knew. Even if you were to break with them, you still need to discuss what happened and understand more about their thoughts and actions, if only to help you not move forward with a ton of baggage which may affect future relationships. Good luck with it all.

Catalina

 

[Switch-Back]

thanks to you all, and you are right about the communication, its still hard to talk about it......

when i said i consented I consented to the level of physical play and restraint that i was in. i could see him getting more violent and out of control, though, and while it was a little exciting, i could defintely feel some real fear building inside me when it happened. so thats why I was conflicted about feeling bad at all.

i tried to kind of 'laugh it off' when it was happening, but something was definitely wrong. i think he is more experienced,he is older than me, and felt out of control which is why he was upset first.

the bruises developed a little later, i am slow to bruise for some reason, and i was shocked that i had a black eye and stuff. and that freaked me out.

 

[DarkLadyOfDeath]

Older does not neccisarily mean more experianced. I've found many a person that do not act their age. In or out of the bedroom. My only advise would be, Perhaps next time drop the level of physicality down maybe a step or two from what your comfortable with. I've found it's not neccisary to always be pushing your limits, Sometimes it's good to reinforce the ones you already have. And Listen to Catalina.. She's helped me only a few times..

 

[Haku_Z]

probably covered by other people's responses but here's my take... but i'm no expert - just simple advice.

I am a woman in a relationship with someone I've trusted. We've tended to switch; however, i think he may be a very controlling person who likes to be dominated (I don't know the exact term), and we tend to switch things back and forth.

Sounds like he can top from the bottom at times... switch comes into play usually when, during a scene, roles are understood for that particular session. So you could Domme him in one scene and the other, he could Dom you. Switching it up during a scene can get confusing - but it would be recommended to communicate the terms before hand so everyone is on the same page.

However one day things got out of control and i got really hurt, in that i got bruised and he just wouldn't stop or let me go. i was into it I thought at the time, so I didn't feel really to scared...but a few days later i felt bruised and scared all of a sudden.

Safe word. This word should be understood by the both of you before engaging in a scene/sex/stuff like that. It can be any word that the two of you decide on. This word is the ultimate, STOP. If this person can't respect a safe word... then the person is definitely not safe. Safety is one of the main rules in BDSM. The best thing to do is to lay out all the rules of engagement prior to doing any scening (BDSM sex/play). The reason being, so no one crosses lines that shouldn't be crossed, and everything is kept SAFE. Safety, safety, safety...

does this make any sense? i thought i was consenting to being in the position i was in so i have no right to complain, but a few days later, i was all shaky and crying and had a black eye and lots of bruises and rope burns and stuff. and i was more shaken up then i thought.

You most certainly have a right to say what you have to say. You have the right to complain to no end. A thing to remember is that, you should be doing this to make yourself happy - to have fun. If it doesn't seem to be making you happy, then it isn't right for you. Communication is the key. If this man of yours does not respect you - your body, your mind, your feelings, your wants and desires - then this is no BDSM relationship.

How do you get used to figuring out your limits, I guess is my question? and should i stay with this guy? he was more upset at the time than I was. we haven't talked about it, it was about 2 weeks ago. we've just had 'regular' sex.

Some people know their limits, some people need to discover their limits. Always start off small, never jump into the heavy stuff. If you find yourself being able to handle certain things, try something a bit more... ease your way into these things. I'm in definitely no position to say if you should or shouldn't (it is something for you and you alone with clarity of mind to decide). Perhaps talk out the problem, come to an understanding... maybe pick up some books and such on BDSM - know the game. Relationships need understanding and communication... if you can't find that in yours... then perhaps it isn't good for you.

 

[Killishandra]

Safe word. This word should be understood by the both of you before engaging in a scene/sex/stuff like that. It can be any word that the two of you decide on. This word is the ultimate, STOP. If this person can't respect a safe word... then the person is definitely not safe. Safety is one of the main rules in BDSM. The best thing to do is to lay out all the rules of engagement prior to doing any scening (BDSM sex/play). The reason being, so no one crosses lines that shouldn't be crossed, and everything is kept SAFE. Safety, safety, safety...

Wow, how ENLIGHTENING coming from the man that didn't want me to have a safeword.

You most certainly have a right to say what you have to say. You have the right to complain to no end. A thing to remember is that, you should be doing this to make yourself happy - to have fun. If it doesn't seem to be making you happy, then it isn't right for you. Communication is the key. If this man of yours does not respect you - your body, your mind, your feelings, your wants and desires - then this is no BDSM relationship.

All I can do right now is snort in laughter. Truly.

 

[Haku_Z]

Wow, how ENLIGHTENING coming from the man that didn't want me to have a safeword.

I remember us deciding on a safeword... it's that eating utensil... spoon.

I know you're upset, Killi, if venting on me makes you feel better, then it's something I can take... with understanding. Know that I harbor you no ill feelings... only want to see you happy.

 

[Skitten]

Communication is a must. You must be able to feel safe and loved and if you don't feel good at the time or scared you must use your safeword . If you don't have one come up with something you both agree on. There is nothing worse than being hurt and that is not something that you want to go through. Explain your feelings to him and how it made you feel and how scared you were. And then develop a plan and a safeword so it does not happen again then you will feel safe and he will understand where you are coming from. Open communication is a must.

 

[Switch-Back]

thanks, again.

and catalina, i never said anything like it was rape. i definitely had so many conflicting feelings going on,both at the time and afterwards...it's never that simple.

i don't know what we're gonna do...we're both going thru a lot right now. but this is enlightening. and yes I think he does top from the bottom, if thats the right word. i never feel like i am in control, ever, even when I am acting in a 'controlling' way.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

....However one day things got out of control and i got really hurt, in that i got bruised and he just wouldn't stop or let me go. i was into it I thought at the time, so I didn't feel really to scared...but a few days later i felt bruised and scared all of a sudden.

does this make any sense? i thought i was consenting to being in the position i was in so i have no right to complain, but a few days later, i was all shaky and crying and had a black eye and lots of bruises and rope burns and stuff. and i was more shaken up then i thought.

....

Hi Switch-Back,

I'm pretty much in line with what the rest of the gang has shared, but I'm really surprised no one has touched on an extremely common response to intense play.

Sub drop.

During the scene you can get incredible amounts of endorphins pumping through your system. Sometimes it takes several days for the endorphins to return to something approaching normal levels. They peak, flow and then drop way below normal then come back up. This can preoduce a euphoria that lasts anywhere from hours to days, depending on how your body reacts, then produces a pretty hard crash of emotions.

In many ways it is similar to bi-polar disorder, where you are "up" for a time then "boom!" the switch is tripped and you head for depression for a while. In this case, we know what triggers the yo-yo cycle of emotions, the intense play.

After care and de-briefing after play (sometimes several days after the scene)helps with the sub-drop but does not eliminate it entirely. I will re-iterate the point made by many - Communicate, communicate, communicate!

Now... get back in there and beat each other till you're both happy!! No more 'nilla sex for you!

 

[mdiaz451]

During an intense scene, it can be easy for one or both partners to get carried away - vanilla people do it all the time.

It strikes me that you didn't feel afraid and overwhealmed (if that's a good word), until days later, and alone (away from him).

It was probably at that time that what happened tryuly came to mind for you, and you felt safe enough to process your emotions. I would suggest sitting and talking (clothed) and discussing this at length with him before anything else hpeens between you

Explain your concerns, and he does not seem to take you seriously, tell him to find a new switch to play with. You deserve a caring partner, not one that gets "carrried away" which seems like it's understatement to me.

Good luck.