Advice Needed

[bbw38c]

I will try to keep this short. Heres my problem. I am married and my husband is not into the DOM role at all but I NEED to be a sub. He does some "role play" but he doesn't enjoy it. I always end up feeling guilty, that I have forced him to do things he dislikes. He doesn't understand the pain/pleasure connection at all. I usually have to tell him what I need but it's getting old fast. I don't know if I should just go with his desires and bury mine or continue the way we are. I don't mean to say he is a bad lover becasue he is wonderful it's just like we are on two seperate worlds when it comes to sex.
Any advice ?

 

[Bachlum Chaam]

My lady the fact is he will never be able to be a Dom if its not there, that then leaves you 4 choices you bury your desires for one. two you try an online relationship. three a Dom on the side. four leave your husband.

I would suggest you try and either talk to him (I would have none of it were it I) or try and supress your desires tis an uneviable position but I wish you luck
Bachlum Chaam

 

[Desdemona]

I lived that scenario for years. I think you just have to decide what is more important to you...being submissive or being married to him. Weigh out the pros and cons. Perhaps he would consider therapy so you can meet somewhere in the middle. Its not an easy situation to be in. Good luck as you figure out where your path will lead.

 

[Daedalus77]

Maybe you could get him to read some of Lit bdsm stories. Maybe he will find something that pushes his buttons.

 

[Vulpesvulpes]

Very few questions will draw me out of the woodwork anymore but this is one of them.

I am in a similiar situation with my wife. I am mostly dom but switchable under the right circumstances. My wife and I used to play at this enough for me to get my fix but haven't done so in several years. I have gone back and forth as to what I should do, if anything.

Right now, I value our marriage above all else so I am willing to live vicariously through others, through writing fiction and this board.

I wish I had a clear cut answer but I am afraid that it just doesn't exist. You must choose your own path.

-Vv

 

[Vinde]

I must admit I'm in the same position right now and facing the same dilemma. I don't have much advice to add, but just to let you know you are not alone in this. If you need someone to vent to pm me sometime.

 

[bunny bondage]

wow, i had no idea there were so many Doms/subs out there in vanilla relationships.

well, sometimes you can love someone very much and care about them with all your heart, but that doesn't neccessarily mean you ought to be in a relationship with them.

of course, i'm not trying to be a naysayer here. what it all comes down to is what makes you the happiest. look at your life rationally and decide what you really want.

gee, i wish i had better advice...sorry...

 

[ChainedEros]

Bachlum Chaam is right. Either he is Dominant or he isn't. Even if you were able to get him to play along with you, I doubt that it would be as fulfilling as having a true Dom.

Which leaves us at Bachlum Chaam's four options ....

 

[WickedEve]

My husband and I were in that situation. I'm sexually submissive and he's vanilla/passive. Though, basically, we're not divorcing for that reason, but it is a factor. He could never be a Dom. He wasn't interested. I found my Master online and had a very satisfying relationship with him for the last few years of my marriage. I did try to introduce some D/s things to my husband but that didn't work at all. So now he's gone, and my Master and I are still together -- L/D and R/L.
I hope you find a solution that gives you happiness. I know you can try to focus on other pleasures with your husband, but suppressing your submissive desires is nearly impossible, at least, it was for me. That need will always be there.

 

[deezire1900]

interesting...so he isn't willing to make you happy? or at least try to? and you are feeling guilt...answers to your own questions.

thats sounds harsh...i am sorry...good luck.

 

[Chicklet]

Hi there,

I know where you're coming from. My boyfriend of four years isn't into D/s at all, but sometimes I feel like I need to have it to be fully content.

My decision sort of came like this...do I love my boyfriend? Yes. Do I want to do anything on the side without him? No. I weighed it back and forth, back and forth, and I chose to stay with him and see what happens. He's willing to play around with me from time to time, because making me happy makes him happy, and I really, really understand that that's not satisfying. But, anyways, you have my sympathy...you have to choose for yourself what's more important, and I think you'll choose him.

Chicklet

 

[bbw38c]

bbw38c

Thank you all for your opinons. I am not offended by any of your honest answers. My husband and I had a very long talk tonight and we cleared some things up about the dom/sub roles. He is willing to explore the Dom role more and see what happens. Maybe he will discover something about himself. I am willing to find out but regardless of the outcome I will never leave him or cheat on him. There is nothing he hasn't done for me in 15 years so I have faith he wont let me down here.
Again thank you all so much. I will let you know how things go. It's nice to know that I am not the only one dealing with this.
Do you have any good sites I can take him to that really explain things ?

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

Re: bbw38c

Thank you all for your opinons. I am not offended by any of your honest answers. My husband and I had a very long talk tonight and we cleared some things up about the dom/sub roles. He is willing to explore the Dom role more and see what happens. Maybe he will discover something about himself. I am willing to find out but regardless of the outcome I will never leave him or cheat on him. There is nothing he hasn't done for me in 15 years so I have faith he wont let me down here.
Again thank you all so much. I will let you know how things go. It's nice to know that I am not the only one dealing with this.
Do you have any good sites I can take him to that really explain things ?

I can't begin to tell you how much respect I have for you. Being up front and honest with your man and dealing with your issues up front....wow---what a concept. I wish there were more like you. Goes to show that communication and honesty go a long way. Why don't you send him over to www.castlerealm.com? It's a great site for new folks to BDSM in general, not just for subs, but Doms as well. I wish you and he all the best.

~anelize

 

[bunny bondage]

lol! honesty avoids problems - whoda thunk it?

excellent observation, Anelize. she deserves like a thousand style points for communicating openly instead of sneaking around and being duplicitive.

 

[cellis]

Re: bbw38c

Thank you all for your opinons. I am not offended by any of your honest answers. My husband and I had a very long talk tonight and we cleared some things up about the dom/sub roles. He is willing to explore the Dom role more and see what happens. Maybe he will discover something about himself. I am willing to find out but regardless of the outcome I will never leave him or cheat on him. There is nothing he hasn't done for me in 15 years so I have faith he wont let me down here.
Again thank you all so much. I will let you know how things go. It's nice to know that I am not the only one dealing with this.
Do you have any good sites I can take him to that really explain things ?

It always makes me feel good when something like this happens...

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Re: bbw38c

Thank you all for your opinons. I am not offended by any of your honest answers. My husband and I had a very long talk tonight and we cleared some things up about the dom/sub roles. He is willing to explore the Dom role more and see what happens. Maybe he will discover something about himself. I am willing to find out but regardless of the outcome I will never leave him or cheat on him. There is nothing he hasn't done for me in 15 years so I have faith he wont let me down here.
Again thank you all so much. I will let you know how things go. It's nice to know that I am not the only one dealing with this.
Do you have any good sites I can take him to that really explain things ?

This is exactly how it worked for Master and I. Give him time to adjust to the idea, and if he's anything like my man I think you will be very happy with the results. Master is my husband of 15 years as well, just so ya know...

Also another really good site is www.soulshaven.com . They have an interactive bdsm check list that we both filled out to get a better idea of what we were both really into. Try it and see, we were very surprised to see that we thought the same thing on many many of the items on the list. You can even show both lists together to see it side by side, and see if you see eye to eye or not. I suggest not sitting together to complete the lists tho.

Anyway, best of luck to you.

dixi

 

[Bachlum Chaam]

Re: bbw38c

Thank you all for your opinons. I am not offended by any of your honest answers. My husband and I had a very long talk tonight and we cleared some things up about the dom/sub roles. He is willing to explore the Dom role more and see what happens. Maybe he will discover something about himself. I am willing to find out but regardless of the outcome I will never leave him or cheat on him. There is nothing he hasn't done for me in 15 years so I have faith he wont let me down here.
Again thank you all so much. I will let you know how things go. It's nice to know that I am not the only one dealing with this.
Do you have any good sites I can take him to that really explain things ?

My lady with me not knowing you, I found it a really satisfying reply.If I may be so bold, good girl, I wish you good luck
Bachlum Chaam

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Re: bbw38c

Thank you all for your opinons. I am not offended by any of your honest answers. My husband and I had a very long talk tonight and we cleared some things up about the dom/sub roles. He is willing to explore the Dom role more and see what happens. Maybe he will discover something about himself. I am willing to find out but regardless of the outcome I will never leave him or cheat on him. There is nothing he hasn't done for me in 15 years so I have faith he wont let me down here.
Again thank you all so much. I will let you know how things go. It's nice to know that I am not the only one dealing with this.
Do you have any good sites I can take him to that really explain things ?

You make me proud!! Communication is key. Maybe you two can't work it out, but you hare doing everything you can to make it work. You know, you could always send him my way, I'm a fairly new Dom, maybe I could kick him in a direction that would be mutually satisfying to both of you? PM me if you think that might help.


*Johnny's School for New Dominants is open for business!*

 

[Ebonyfire]

Dixi gave youa great website and I also like this one:

Castle Realm

There is a progressive Dominant training there from novice to skilled.

It is a good place to start.

The only advice I would give is to be patient, and pick your opportunities. The goals is success, not speed.

Good luck you you both. I hope you will let us know how you are doing.

 

[bbw38c]

Progress

Hi,
Well things here are progressing nicely. One of the first things we did was the checklist at Castle Realm. That really helped. He is really starting to get into it and has decided I need some training to...he's right. We did find a traing source for both of us.
I couldn't have have done this without your advice and support.
Thank you all so much.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Re: Progress

Hi,
Well things here are progressing nicely. One of the first things we did was the checklist at Castle Realm. That really helped. He is really starting to get into it and has decided I need some training to...he's right. We did find a traing source for both of us.
I couldn't have have done this without your advice and support.
Thank you all so much.

You guys are my heroes!!

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Progress

Hi,
Well things here are progressing nicely. One of the first things we did was the checklist at Castle Realm. That really helped. He is really starting to get into it and has decided I need some training to...he's right. We did find a traing source for both of us.
I couldn't have have done this without your advice and support.
Thank you all so much.

Why thank U/us? You two are the ones who are ready, willing, and able to do the work. That is all it takes. I am so happy for you both.

 

[Pure]

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