Advice needed...Please help...

[Missingmeds]

Emails, cyber chats, pics both ways, references, I will call them if they will give me a number. I also give them my number so that they can vertify that as well.

In other words, I bend over backwards to do everything that I can to prove that I am real and just who and what I say I am.

 

[Beloved]

Then's he gay!

That's about all I can think of. Like I said earlier, most guys I know couldn'tget into the car qiuck enough to go see a women who wants "no-strings-attached" sex. You give most hetero-sexual guys a decent looking woman who just wants to have casual, non-committal sex, they'd be lining up to get them some.

 

[Missingmeds]

Don't know that he is gay, but married and cheating crossed my mind or he is psychologically unsound....

Don't get me wrong, I am no beauty queen, but I am decent, clean and usually have enough self confidence for ten women.

 

[capricious_chic]

Too bad more guys aren't contributing that may have been in a similar situation that could give some input.

 

[Beloved]

I had assumed the marriage question had already been answered to your satisfaction. If he's married and looking for a thing on the side without the wife knowing about it, that does present a problem. While that's the kind of guy it sounds like your looking for, if he's not able to meet you then you're wasteing your time with him. Sounds like you need to do a little better job screening your guys.

CC- How many guys do you know of that have been in a situation where all the girl wanted was casual sex and an orgasism, with nothing from him afterward except a thank you?

 

[Missingmeds]

CC, to paraphrase what a male friend (you know who you are) said just a few minutes ago, men aren't going to do that.

Simply because they would hear no end to the ribbing and teasing from other men because they passed up what could have been a weekend of casual sex.

Beloved is the one that I think has it close to nailed on the head.

Cold feet or he is gay, or like I said, married and cheating, or unsound mentally.

 

[capricious_chic]

Beloved - See, even the "nice" guys that are single that I know would totally go for it - let alone the regular guys.

I rarely entertain thoughts about guys that have contacted me, it is just too random for my tastes. If I contact them though, I have met with success.

It seems though that you want more than a friendly fuck - but a friendship without commitment as well. That could be a problem in that even that is too much of an expectation from some guys - does that make sense? Plenty of guys would be gung ho for a random, or even semi-random fuck - but don't want to deal with the pressure of having to entertain you and be friends out of the bedroom.

 

[Missingmeds]

I had assumed the marriage question had already been answered to your satisfaction. If he's married and looking for a thing on the side without the wife knowing about it, that does present a problem. While that's the kind of guy it sounds like your looking for, if he's not able to meet you then you're wasteing your time with him. Sounds like you need to do a little better job screening your guys.

CC- How many guys do you know of that have been in a situation where all the girl wanted was casual sex and an orgasism, with nothing from him afterward except a thank you?

In this one case, he says he is single but very paranoid about giving out his phone number. Doesn't want to call because I might have caller id. That is why I am thinking married and something on the side without wife knowing.

You might be very right, I might not be screening well enough or I am looking in the wrong place. But I don't do bars so.....

 

[Missingmeds]

Beloved - See, even the "nice" guys that are single that I know would totally go for it - let alone the regular guys.

I rarely entertain thoughts about guys that have contacted me, it is just too random for my tastes. If I contact them though, I have met with success.

It seems though that you want more than a friendly fuck - but a friendship without commitment as well. That could be a problem in that even that is too much of an expectation from some guys - does that make sense? Plenty of guys would be gung ho for a random, or even semi-random fuck - but don't want to deal with the pressure of having to entertain you and be friends out of the bedroom.

No CC, what I am looking for is a man that can spare bedroom time each week. He doesn't need to entertain me. I can do that just fine on my own.

 

[Beloved]

CC- Way I understood it, she was looking for a fuckbuddy, somebody to have casual, non-committal sex. To me, that implies show up, drop your pants, give her an orgasism, have one myself, pull up my pants, say "Thank you, same time next week?" and leave. If I see her while in the mall or something, I might say hi or wave, but I'm not going to bake her a cake or anything.

Am I off-base here Missing or what?

 

[capricious_chic]

You know, there are actually people out there that are like that though. One of my g/f's has a guy friend like that.

He may well just be that paranoid. The thing is if he is that paranoid about a simple phone number can you imagine how he would react to some other situations?

You may do well to pass on this one!

 

[Missingmeds]

CC- Way I understood it, she was looking for a fuckbuddy, somebody to have casual, non-committal sex. To me, that implies show up, drop your pants, give her an orgasism, have one myself, pull up my pants, say "Thank you, same time next week?" and leave. If I see her while in the mall or something, I might say hi or wave, but I'm not going to bake her a cake or anything.

Am I off-base here Missing or what?

That is it exactly Beloved. That is exactly what I am looking for.

 

[Missingmeds]

You know, there are actually people out there that are like that though. One of my g/f's has a guy friend like that.

He may well just be that paranoid. The thing is if he is that paranoid about a simple phone number can you imagine how he would react to some other situations?

You may do well to pass on this one!

Okay but then explain to me what or how to avoid getting tangled up with this type of man to start with. This man has set four different times to be here and has come up with an excuse each time. Each excuse getting more and more detailed.

The last one was just to much for me. I told him off and let him know exactly how I feel about what he did.

These are the very ones that I am trying to figure out how to avoid. How can I tell them within a few short conversations?

 

[Beloved]

You know, there are actually people out there that are like that though. One of my g/f's has a guy friend like that.

He may well just be that paranoid. The thing is if he is that paranoid about a simple phone number can you imagine how he would react to some other situations?

You may do well to pass on this one!

It sounds like your g/f may have met my bestfriend. He's one marriage #2, but hasn't been without a "companion" since he was 17. His best was when he was in college and engaged to one girl, dating another, and having casual sex with a third. That was when I bowed down to the master lol. Of course, when everybody else found about each other, he was shoveling more BS then a farmhand on a dairy farm.

 

[Missingmeds]

So how do we avoid those types to start with? I mean I don't care what someone does when he is not with me, but I don't like the excuses because he made to many time committments in one night.

Or because he just wants to string someone along or have a backup.

 

[Beloved]

That is it exactly Beloved. That is exactly what I am looking for.

Well I happily volunteer myself

 

[Beloved]

So how do we avoid those types to start with? I mean I don't care what someone does when he is not with me, but I don't like the excuses because he made to many time committments in one night.

Or because he just wants to string someone along or have a backup.

He always kept things in order, somehow. He never had to shuffle one of in a hurry or cancel something to be with another. I know that once or twice it was plain luck, but for the most part, he was just damn good.

 

[Missingmeds]

Be careful what you volunteer for...I might take you up on it, and before anyone else says anything, yes I am being serious.

Anyway, that still doesn't tell me how to avoid men like the ones that we have been talking about.

 

[Beloved]

First off, my place or yours?

Secondly, there's no easy way to avoid them. They tell you what you want to hear, show you what you want to see. The only way to tell them is the little clues they leave and the alarms they set off in your head. Telling you not to call the house, giving you their cell phone number only, only being on-line for 5-10 minutes at a time, giving vague answers to certain questions, these are what you need to look out for (at least that his tricks). Other then that, I wouldn't know. The wife and I are in an open relationship, so I don't have to sneak around or anything.

 

[Missingmeds]

First off, my place or yours?

Secondly, there's no easy way to avoid them. They tell you what you want to hear, show you what you want to see. The only way to tell them is the little clues they leave and the alarms they set off in your head. Telling you not to call the house, giving you their cell phone number only, only being on-line for 5-10 minutes at a time, giving vague answers to certain questions, these are what you need to look out for (at least that his tricks). Other then that, I wouldn't know. The wife and I are in an open relationship, so I don't have to sneak around or anything.

Mine if you don't mind.

See that is just it, the odd hours online with this latest one was there, other than that, the phone thing, but nothing that would really make me believe that he wasn't being honest. The whole marriage thing, well, I take that on a case by case basis.

 

[Beloved]

Mine if you don't mind.

See that is just it, the odd hours online with this latest one was there, other than that, the phone thing, but nothing that would really make me believe that he wasn't being honest. The whole marriage thing, well, I take that on a case by case basis.

Will next weekend be good for you? It's Father's Day tomorrow, and while that would be one the best present's any father ever's gotten, I somehow don't think the kiddies would understand. lol.

 

[Missingmeds]

Sure I have nothing planned. Just let me know.

 

[Beloved]

MM~ It's the female half again and if you don't mind I'll put in my .02 on how to spot guys like this.
#1 ~ as hubby said they are exceptionally good at saying all the right things without coming off as total cheeseballs. Are you chatting away with a guy and he seems to just spout off the perfect answers to every question you throw at him? In my experience~ ugh and what experience it has been~ this particualr guy has probably spent a good amount of time observing you before ever striking up a conversation. You say this particular slimeball is here on Lit so there's been plenty of opportunity for him to read what you've posted and at least get some basic idea of where you stand on some topics. He gets his research down pat and then manages to seem as if he " knows" you when he finally does talk to you.
#2~ Weird net hours or constantly bipping on and off line. A guy I spoke with quite regularly would only be on at around 5 in the morning when I would get home from work. If I happened to catch him during the day he'd be on for about 2 minutes and then vanish. There were always " computer problems" or yahoo booted him or he once flat out claimed he wasn't recieving my IM's although every other person I sent them to got them just fine. I came to find out that he was always on at such oddball hours because that was when his wife was sound asleep and he could " talk".
#3~ a request for pictures or letters etc. etc. that is pretty constant. I sent some out to a guy as a means of proving myself as a real woman and then I sent some more, and then a few more, and then I realized all this guy wanted me for was to feed his net collection.
#4~ constant reasons why you can't meet, or constantly cancelled meetings. I'll give someone having to cancell one meeting, life throws you unexpected curves sometimes, but if every time you're supposed to meet there ends up being a problem and he has to reschedule? Sorry but that's a huge warning signal right there and that ends things.

It's been my unfortunate experience that most guys who say they're looking for a bit on the side generally are married and the wife has virtually no idea of what's going on. Also they tend to like the idea alot more then the reality. I once actually had a guy tell me that it was more about proving to himself that he was still sexual and desireable then ever actually fucking around on his wife, that he let himself get carried away in the fantasy. Maybe that's what happened to your guy.
Either way, he's a loser and not worth your time. Drop him like a bad habit and move on.

 

[capricious_chic]

As to qualifications, honesty is the first one and the second is that I have vertifiable (sp?) facts about them. There also has to be intelligent conversation. I enjoy the mental stimulation and I do like to debate and converse on many different topics.

There also has to be that mutual attraction and while I am not looking for a relationship per say, I am looking for friends that can enjoy the benefits of sex on a regular basis.

I took this post into account when I made my responses.

A way to weed through the guys like the one you encountered is to decrease the time frame within the confines of what you feel comfortable with. Instead of taking a couple of months, suggest a meeting within the first few conversations - of course somewhere public and safe, but to get it out of the way. Why waste your time getting to know someone who isn't serious about wanting to meet. If they hedge at that point, move on.

 

[ReadyOne]

I assume that you will get a LOT of responses to a fairly direct ad:

SWF 45, 5-6, 150, independent, sexual, looking for local man, age 25-50 h/w proportional who is low maintenance and who can keep up with me. Photo and bonifides first. Scratch my itch and I'll scratch yours!

I'd respond with something like this form letter,

I have an open relationship with a couple of people but recent changes in our lives have left me looking for a fuck buddy. This doesn't mean I'll jump in the sack on first meet. It means that our relationship would be primarily, maybe exclusively, sexual.

It also means that you must agree to and religiously follow some practices like safe sex and regular testing, and that we will become regular ongoing partners. And of course, there has to be good chemistry between us, which includes you having experience with and a taste for more than just vanilla sex.

There also has to be intelligent conversation. I enjoy the mental stimulation and I do like to debate and converse on many different topics. There also has to be that mutual attraction and, while I am not looking for a relationship per say, I am looking for friends that can enjoy the benefits of sex on a regular basis.

The typical gentleman who responds is married and looking for something on the side without his wife knowing. I'm not willing to work with someone who's too busy hiding his activities. I can be discrete, but I won't deal only having your cell number and with my calling always being "at an inconvenient time" or our conversations always being "suddenly" cut off. You've got to be regularly and consistently available.

Another kind of gentleman likes the idea that I could find him sexually attractive, but when push comes to shove, getting the invite was enough and he wasn't intending to go through with it anyway, or he gets cold feet. I hear lots of good words from these people (they generally have practiced a lot) but when we try to meet, it always needs to be postponed or he gives some excuse for not showing up. These people are into ego and/or games, not recreational sex.

So the very first things you need to do are:

1) Convince me you can be a good lover. Here's where I screen out people who carry 200 pounds on a 5' frame, don't bathe, and only screw in the missionary position. Humor, intelligence, and consideration for me as a person are also requirements.

Show me and tell me about yourself, your interests, and your experience. I need to be able to recognize you in a crowd and find you at work or home.

2) Convince me you are real and serious. This means you will take a risk by sharing personal verifiable information, and attend a "see and be seen" meeting in the near future. I'll provide similar information as soon as I verify yours, and then we'll talk details.

Be honest. I can work with many different situations, many of which you might think that I would find unacceptable. If you tell me something just because you think it's what I want to hear, I'll know -- probably sooner than latter -- and you will be history. We have to be able to trust each other.

Finally, be patient. I'm worth jumping though these hoops.

Realize that it will take a while before you finally climb in my bed, and that you may not be my only playmate. Expect friendship and respect but do not expect a relationship or a companion. If things don't work out, then there will be no hard feelings either direction. I won reject you as a person, it will simply be that our situations don't match up right now.

If his response doesn't give up quite enough information, I might send one more letter:

Thank you for your reply. I'd like to know some more about you, but first let me tell you a story about how I met a lover who worked out very well.

Joe responded to a personal ad of mine which had a lot of code words for <a few things you like to do, e.g. bondage, spanking, ass play and anal>. He told me that shared a house with two other guys and worked for Acme Widgets as a dispatcher. He gave me a phone number at work and at his house and times to call. And of course, he included a current picture where I could see what shape his body was in and another so I could easily recognize his face.

I called the Acme Widgets office and ask for Joe's manager. When we talked, I just complemented Joe for being courteous on the phone and quickly rang off. Then I called Joe's house a few times while he wasn't there until a real person answer. I told them I was taking a marketing survey looking for houses with only men living there and ask a couple of questions about how hard they partied.

My reply to Joe had pictures like I'm sending to you, plus my phone number and an invitation to call me. When he did, I noticed caller-id showed his home number and I did a reverse address lookup which confirmed that he lived very near the intersection he gave me. We agreed to meet for 20 minutes during lunch time.

I felt good vibes and chemistry from Joe, swapped driver's licenses to copy down the information, and talked about our personal situations and how we came to be where we were that day. My instincts didn't have anything bad to say about Joe, so I called him the next evening at home to talk about getting tested, when and where we could meet, and what we liked to do. We ended up having phone sex at the end!

A week later I had Joe over for dinner. He brought his test results and I had mine ready for him. We discussed birth control, other partners, and safe sane and consensual sex. I had some notes and a list of things to work from, and we each initialed a copy for each other. Then we took a test drive. Four hours later we were sure that we were going to do well together.

This ended when Joe came to me a year plus later and said he was thinking about getting serious with another girl -- serious enough that they were talking about being exclusive with each other. We keep in touch a couple of times a year, and I got an invite to the wedding.

(Don't worry about the details; make them up to illustrate exactly what the guy needs to do so you will feel comfortable with him. End up with something like: )

I appreciate that you don't want to fully disclose yourself without knowing something about me. My home phone number is 555-1212.

I work at The Hospital and I will give personnel the paper saying you will be doing a verification of employment. Just call them, ask for HR, identify yourself, tell them I've filed an employment verification release to <insert his real name, e.g. Joe Blow>, and ask if I am still employed, then ask when I was hired. I'll check with HR in next Tuesday to see if they have received your call.

When you've confirmed my employment, I hope you will feel comfortable telling me your <insert missing information, e.g. street address and name of spouse and kids>. I will not call and identify myself without your explicit permission.

I think we might be able to get together if I can <insert text for stumbling block, e.g. talk to your wife and make sure she's OK with us getting together every week>. You also need to come into the city so we can get together for a few minutes and meet face to face, next Wednesday at the latest.

Call me at 555-1212 and we'll pick a place. If don't see you then I'll understand you're not available, and I'll start looking again.

Then, of course, he calls, he does what ever you need like faxing you his car registration, he shows, or he never hears from you again.



Do you think something like this would strike a balance between 1) Large enough pool of applications, 2) Being able to verify they are real (plus leaving a trail for the police), and 3) getting them quickly validated via the in-person meeting?

PS: You know about safe calls, right?