advice for a first-time Domme

[tzigane]

I said in my intro that I had lots of questions, and here I go.
My SO and I have been together for a while, and topics related to bondage, D/s, and S&M didn't really come up as conversation in the beginning of our relationship. We always played a bit rough and left marks on each other, and the ropes he kept under the bed came out not that long after I started spending the night at his apartment on a regular basis. Now that we live together and have made a long-term commitment, though, we've started to talk about it and play a bit more - but perhaps not enough.
We both switch, at least to some degree. I think perhaps me more than him, though I'm not sure about that. At any rate, neither one of us is ever going to be the 24/7 Dom/me in this relationship. Before we got together, I had been completely vanilla and utterly unsatisfied (despite getting around a bit). I also hadn't done too much independent thinking or discussing about what I really wanted. He, on the other hand, is rather more experienced than I am - both in terms of action and of thought/fantasy.
Therefore, when it comes to him dominating me, I have no complaints. When it's my turn, though, I'm not sure what to do - or, sometimes, how to go about implementing the ideas I do have. He is almost twice as big as I am, and significantly stronger (not that that really matters, I'm aware). I know that he would like it if I were more dominant more often, both in and out of bed...he's said as much. So the last time he told me so, I asked him for a list of fantasies and a list of limits.
His response? "I have no limits, and you're supposed to figure out my fantasies."
I am not quite sure what to make of that. However, I've been thinking since then and coming up with a list of things to try at some point. And I know certain things that he likes and my own level of comfort with them - I enjoy the little bit of NT and CBT that we've tried, I am very apprehensive about breath play (though I have a very good knowledge of anatomy and a bit of medicine, and he definitely enjoys it, I think it's f-ing risky), I very much like tying him up. I'm curious about acquiring a crop and/or flogger and some cuffs, and trying a bit of wax play (got some info on candles from an old thread, thanks y'all!).
Here, then, are my questions:
Is telling me that I'm supposed to figure out his fantasies in effect saying that what he wants doesn't matter, or should I press for more information?
For those of you who are Dom/mes, do you have any advice for me as someone who has almost no experience? I need style pointers, tips on tools and both mental and physical things to try, and instructions on how to implement the physical (I don't even know how to swing a crop!).
For those of you who are subs, is there anything (either actions or style) that your Dom/mes have done that you liked or would recommend?
Please excuse my rambling - I've been thinking about this a lot recently, but there's not really anyone I know in RL to ask about it.
Thanks much in advance.

 

[CutieMouse]

He has to at least give you something to start with. The other option is to simply start flipping the things he does when he's Topping you- what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Some good books for ideas/starters:

The Sexually Dominant Woman: A workbook for Nervous Beginners

The New Topping Book

The Art of Sensual Female Dominance

Female Dominance rituals and Practices

Also, if you can get to a local munch/BDSM organization to socialize/ask questions, I'm sure you'll find friendly, helpful people.

 

[amadaun]

Having just read the "small penis humiliation" thread, I'd say he could quickly realize "you're supposed to figure out my fantasies" could turn out to be not quite the best advice.

Unfortunately I don't have any Dommely advice for you, aside from that I would read that statement as implying that he wants you to take from him what you want for your own enjoyment. Worth a try.

 

[Penalt]

Go slow, try different things and above all else, communicate to each other.

 

[chatbug]

Is telling me that I'm supposed to figure out his fantasies in effect saying that what he wants doesn't matter, or should I press for more information?

Since you have been together in a relationship for a while, I think what he's saying is that he trusts you, he wants you to relax and figure out for yourself what turns you on the most about being the dominant.

It will probably turn him on when you surprise him or do things he didn't expect. I suspect what he wants is the excitement of not knowing what you're going to do while still trusting that you won't push his limits too hard.

For those of you who are Dom/mes, do you have any advice for me as someone who has almost no experience? I need style pointers, tips on tools and both mental and physical things to try, and instructions on how to implement the physical (I don't even know how to swing a crop!).

You can get a lot of this information from books and the Internet. There have already been some good recommendations on this thread.

You can get ideas from the stories on Literotica.

You can practice once you get things like crops and floggers. Practice hitting the wall or the shower curtain, as two examples. Definitely practice knots if you want to use rope.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Firstly, if he wants you to switch and dominate him sometimes, he has to at least be able to communicate some of his fantasies or likes/dislikes to you in a way which can be helpful. Perhaps a way to do this would be through using and discussing a checklist. Everyone has different kinks and triggers, both good and bad, so talking is a necessity.

As to how to know what to do, and how, once you have an idea what he is seeking, you might try thinking about what works for you, what you dream about having done when you are on the receiving end, what emotions and approaches you like to experience. It is a good place to start as it draws on your own experience as a submissive to meet the needs of another in the same position. Of course you will need to adjust things to meet his particular needs, but size difference does not have to be an insurmountable issue.

I'm a little confused about what you say about you switching perhaps more than him, unless you play with other people. If it is just between you both, surely when a switch happens it is on both sides in that you both change roles with each other? It isn't impossible to negotiate the intricacies of what works for another, just remember to keep your mind open and creative.

Catalina

 

[SweetErika]

As Cat said, I'd suggest each of you filling out a BDSM checklist first. I like this Excel one because it's easy to change, manage and share, but there are many out there for your perusal. I think it's important because most of us DO actually have limits, likes and dislikes - is he really okay with being made to eat bodily waste, bloodplay, being suspended by hooks in his back, being led through a store on a leash, or involving kids or animals, for instance? As extreme as some of those may be, if he's not okay with them, he has limits. Even those who say they don't have limits usually mean they live by/agree with their Dominant's limits, trusting that person to not do anything that would be physically or psychologically harmful.

Finding a style was easier for me once we'd gone over the checklist and talked about possible scenarios. Knowing limits, likes and dislikes allows me the freedom to plan scenes and do what I want/think is best at the time. When I want something, I ask for (or sometimes demand) it. When he does something that pleases me, I praise and reward. When something displeases me, I correct/discipline or punish. We tend to work in the context of Loving Female Authority, rather than Supremacy, Victorian or one of the many other styles; I say that to explain what fits us best and offer you some options to look into and possibly to pull ideas from.

I learned the basics of swinging a flogger at a free class at my local playspace, but it's not difficult. I think the main thing is knowing safety of impact, then practicing on a pillow (you can put a case on it, the draw a line down the center in sewing chalk to measure how well you're hitting your target), and finally, on my husband (very lightly/tentatively at first, I might add). For canes, we started with the tubes inside of rolls of giftwrap/mailing paper, bamboo wrapped in a vine then in electrical tape from Michael's Crafts (though bamboo shouldn't generally be used, since thin stalks break easily), and hardwood dowels from Home Depot (again, they can, and do, break, but are fine for lighter play/practice, and we have a 3' section that's holding up fine).

There's also plenty of stuff around the kitchen and house you can start with: spatulas, spoons, small ice cream/coffee scoops (very good on the head of the cock when he's close to coming, or I put one on ice for general use), brushes (both hair and dish), silk/scarves, ice, etc. We love going through Ikea and dollar stores to see what we can find for impact and sensation play.

Other than that, read, read, read, and talk to others in the lifestyle. I'm not sure how many hours I've put into researching and learning about different techniques, toys and play, but it's been a significant portion of my free time in the past year. Books, the BDSM Library sticky, CollarMe and other various BDSM sites have been very helpful.

 

[Ice2000]

wow... guess I have some experience with this one. I'm telling my age a bit, but for most of my life I have had to find my submissive partners the old fashioned way.. without a Internet. That involves a lot of communication...

Most of the time a lady I would go out with would not even know she had sub tendencies until I start asking the right questions. The check list thing is good but there is nothing like direct communication. Here is something that has served me quiet well in the past, and might help you tzigane . Pick a relaxed moment(dinner, drinks on the deck, est.) and tell your partner you want to try something.. You both take turns asking each other questions but here are the rules.. You both agree to be totally honesty with each other no matter what. Every question HAS to be answered to the best of your ability. Anything and everything is fair game, passed lovers , experiences, desires, est. Then let your imagination and curiosity do its work. You will know every time you touch on something that excites your partner by the reaction. If you want more information on a detail ask them to rate it on a 1-10 scale. Don't just start asking questions.. make sure you get your total honesty commitment and promise to answer first. And keep in mind info is flowing in both directions, be prepared for a couple of tough questions yourself.

Hope this helps..

 

[liberatedslave]

Domination shouldn't be about just pleasing him and figuring out his fantasies. You also need to think about what you want to get out of it. What behaviour will you/won't you tolerate from him? Domination also doesn't always have to be sexual. If the next time he says "Dominate me." you respond by ordering him to cook, do the dishes and then run you a bath, you can bet he'll soon offer up some ideas of his own. Have fun with it, worrying about how much he's enjoying it isn't really dominance at all.

 

[tzigane]

Thanks everyone - you've given me a lot to think about, and some great ideas to try. I will definitely be hitting the library and/or the bookstore soon, as well as doing a bit more reading around here!

You all are also right on target about the communication...the checklist is a good tool (thanks, SweetErika) and we do need to have a few more conversations about it outside of the heat-of-the-moment sort of thing. Will work on that as well.

Catalina - I should perhaps have said that my preferences are more evenly divided between roles than his are. That would've been a more accurate way of putting it, since we don't play with anyone else (at least not yet).

At any rate, merci beaucoup . My research begins now. This promises to be much more entertaining than the neuroanatomy I'm supposed to be studying!

 

[Scarlett_t2]

As I take into consideration what my sub wants, likes, needs, what I want and need is the first thing I decide. Then I work all of those things into what ever scene my little heart desires. I know their limits (from much talking) and I know what buttons I need to push to give us both a fullfilling scene. I have also trusted my gut instinct on a few things they had never tried and brought them to play. They had their safe word to stop it at anytime, so far they have not. I go with my feelings at the time. Do I need to inflict a bit of pain, or hear a moan, or am I in a softer mood where some soft ropes are what I need. Take what you like, twist it to what will work for both of you, but remember you are the one in charge, enjoy that power.

S

 

[Hecate]

Is it too late to join this discussion?

May I just drop a few notes within your initial post (even running the danger of them having already been covered)

He is almost twice as big as I am, and significantly stronger (not that that really matters, I'm aware). I know that he would like it if I were more dominant more often, both in and out of bed...he's said as much. So the last time he told me so, I asked him for a list of fantasies and a list of limits.

This is a case for "mental Domination" rather than physical to start with. If you can convey the right "vibes", even a bloke twice your size will bend to your will! (and that can be half of the fun, as he wouldn't need to obey but he will - not by "force" but because your controll and his wish to please are enough to make him humiliate himself in a way)

The question that I feel triggered to ask: Do you really want to be Dominant at times or are you more into "returning a favour"?

Don't get me wrong - both are completely valid reasons to ask the questions you are asking, just that the answers would be diffferent maybe in either case.

I shall assume that it indeed is your desire to Dominate but you are a new to this side of things as you describe...

First ask yourself whether you are aware of your limits as a Dominat (yes, we do have limits and ours are often more vigorous, fixed and harder to shift than those of the submissives).
Do you KNOW what you a) WANT to do to him and b) what you COULD do to him if he asked you (and preferrably still enjoy it to some degree)?

Once you have answered this and know about the things you WANT ... this is where the next bit enters....

His response? "I have no limits, and you're supposed to figure out my fantasies."
I am not quite sure what to make of that. However, I've been thinking since then and coming up with a list of things to try at some point. And I know certain things that he likes and my own level of comfort with them - I enjoy the little bit of NT and CBT that we've tried, I am very apprehensive about breath play (though I have a very good knowledge of anatomy and a bit of medicine, and he definitely enjoys it, I think it's f-ing risky), I very much like tying him up. I'm curious about acquiring a crop and/or flogger and some cuffs, and trying a bit of wax play (got some info on candles from an old thread, thanks y'all!).

NOBODY has NO LIMITS! I have been "in scene " for long enough to have heard that silly phrase a gazillion of times - and I have yet to find the full dozen of people who MEAN it! (not that I would want to - mind you!)

We all have limits - physical and psychological. If you don't believe it, try tying him up securely and doing something silly, like tickling him, painting his fingernails in bright pink, shaving off his chest hair or ... you catch my drift I guess. There are LIMITS, some people just don't think of them in a BDSM context spontaneously but after all, my Dominance measn I can do what I FANCY! ... no matter what the receiving end thinks if they give me that silly reply in regards to limits!

You have some good ideas, and I read between the lines that you have a (how ever big) level of medical background - that sure is a benefit! Therefore as long as you are feeling comfortable with it go for it! If you don't enjoy it - don't do it! You are the DOMME, so if you feel edgy about breath play, you decide how much you feel comfortable with, not he! (you can grow togehter, no doubt, but to start with it is YOU when Dominating who decides!)

Here, then, are my questions:
Is telling me that I'm supposed to figure out his fantasies in effect saying that what he wants doesn't matter, or should I press for more information?

As said above: do what YOU want - I am sure once you start doing things he doesn't like he will quickly change this tune!
Personal note: I do require my subs telling me about their fantasies - not for the reason to fulfill them mainly but as much to know how to tease and torture them by JUST not giving them what they want. I feel as a Domme it is my right to own their minds (=fantasies) as much as their bodies.

For those of you who are Dom/mes, do you have any advice for me as someone who has almost no experience? I need style pointers, tips on tools and both mental and physical things to try, and instructions on how to implement the physical (I don't even know how to swing a crop!).

In the beginning I found it quite helpfull to "dress for the role", meaning: if I dressed to look the part it was easier to perform (now that I have accepted what /who I am I can just as well be a fierce Domme in my Teddybear Pajamas if need be but that is not everyones fetish *chuckles*). Dressing in a specific way that you feel suitable will give you the selfesteem matching the role you have taken on - and I guess it is even more an issue when switching - find something that really puts you into the right "mind space", that can be anything from a pair of high heels to a bracelett or a special set of bra and panties.

As for the tools, I have the feeling you will be doing well *s* - and there is already more knowledge spread on the web than I could give in a few lines anyway. (only "pet peeve": get decent ropes and suitable lube!)

For those of you who are subs, is there anything (either actions or style) that your Dom/mes have done that you liked or would recommend?

can't really help with this aspect, but one main "turn off" I have found when discussing with subs is indecisiveness in the Dominant (not to be mistaken for taking your time and considering your options during play) and someone obviously not feeling "in tune" with the role

Please excuse my rambling - I've been thinking about this a lot recently, but there's not really anyone I know in RL to ask about it.
Thanks much in advance.

Geeeee - excuse your rambing??? Look at mine *chuckles*

Anyway - it looks/sounds like you have a great journey ahead and I hope you can enjoy each "mile" of it!

Hecate

 

[usana]

Unfortunately I don't have any Dommely advice for you, aside from that I would read t

Unfortunately I don't have any Dommely advice for you, aside from that I would read that statement as implying that he wants you to take from him what you want for your own enjoyment. Worth a try.