Acting dom-ly

[jasonlf]

I know that ever since I've started to explore the dominant side of my personality... it's been tough, and I haven't been able to shake something my ex told me... she said she couldn't submit to be because I didn't act like a dom.

Now, I know I'm a dom. I know how I feel, I know I want to be in control. I'm more certain of that now than ever. But is it possible to be a dom, and to be humorous, caring, and nice? That's not exactly what I mean... but just, for example, Marquis. Ever since I've been at this forum, everything he says and does just says he is in control of everything around him. There's no question that the guy is a dom. None at all. I was wondering, first of all, if that is simply a stereotypical perception issue, and secondly, if I come off as a dom. If I do things that might be considered "undomly", what need I do to correct them?

--Jay

 

[YinandYang]

I know that ever since I've started to explore the dominant side of my personality... it's been tough, and I haven't been able to shake something my ex told me... she said she couldn't submit to be because I didn't act like a dom.

Hi Jason, My point of view as a sub is this....I think your ex was simply not compatible with you, IMO its a very personal thing, just like in nilla relationships, you either click or you don't. I don't think this has any bearing on your abiliities to dominate. I have only been with two Doms, each of them very different. My SO brings out things in me and vice versa that I have never experienced with another, because we act on our own reactions to one another. He is a very caring tactile person, and has the ability to make me feel very secure and grounded. He is not the stereotypical bastard and would do anything for me, I for one would be very suspicious of Doms who feel the need to throw their weight around in every situation. To be able to have a caring and thoughtful personality and still dominate is strength in its self. I don't think he would have got my respect and therefore my submission if he had allowed his dominant side to prevail in all situations. I think its hard to evaluate and compare to someone online, because the personality we see is the only one that person wants to show.

Just as there are many different people in the world, there are many ways to dominate or submit, its individual to the individuals. You sound like you care a great deal about who you are, that, I think is a diamond quality in itself

 

[sincerely_helene]

I know that ever since I've started to explore the dominant side of my personality... it's been tough, and I haven't been able to shake something my ex told me... she said she couldn't submit to be because I didn't act like a dom.

Now, I know I'm a dom. I know how I feel, I know I want to be in control. I'm more certain of that now than ever. But is it possible to be a dom, and to be humorous, caring, and nice? That's not exactly what I mean... but just, for example, Marquis. Ever since I've been at this forum, everything he says and does just says he is in control of everything around him. There's no question that the guy is a dom. None at all. I was wondering, first of all, if that is simply a stereotypical perception issue, and secondly, if I come off as a dom. If I do things that might be considered "undomly", what need I do to correct them?

--Jay

Well, I might speak out of turn here, but one of the most common traits I see in a dominant by nature is not having to try to appear that way at all, and additionally not caring one way or the other if someone percives them as anything else. If you feel the need to "correct" your behaviour to satisfy those around you, maybe you are not as in control as you think.


Good luck to you, either way.

 

[naughtygirl69s]

hey Jay, I wouldn't necessarily use Marquis as an example......those that appear to be in such great control of everything around them may just simply be good at acting.

Anyway, I say just be yourself, don't try to change your natural traits.....trying to be something you're not only comes across as contrived and weak.

If you're a dom that is also sensitive, caring and romantic, so be it, you just need to find a girl to compliment that.


So basically I'm agreeing with Yin

 

[sincerely_helene]

hey Jay, I wouldn't necessarily use Marquis as an example......those that appear to be in such great control of everything around them may just simply be good at acting.

Anyway, I say just be yourself, don't try to change your natural traits.....trying to be something you're not only comes across as contrived and weak.

If you're a dom that is also sensitive, caring and romantic, so be it, you just need to find a girl to compliment that.


So basically I'm agreeing with Yin

That's great advice, and essentially what I was trying to say. Just be you, and if they don't like the you you are, duck 'em all.

 

[laughingbadger]

I am exquisitely cared-for by my Master, and at no point in time do I forget the HE is in charge. He doesn't have to strut or bellow or punish. To be a Dom you have to be harsh? I think not.

 

[Marquis]

Jason,

I'm touched that you think of me this way, and was equally touched when Oberon said something similar recently. The way I portray myself online is not inaccurate to who I am in real life, but being -hmmmm I'll just say "the way I am" because I'm not sure how I'm being characterized here- is more a factor of how I grew up than the role I play with the females I'm close to. I'm a kitten compared to a lot of the guys I hang out with, but I am hands down the most dominant in my relationships.

Being a Dom, or acting Domly is kinda like being a Dad, or acting Dad-like. Sure there are skills Dad's need that men without children often don't have, but there are a million and one ways to be a Dad. It's always good to look elsewhere for ideas and examples, but at the end of the day being a Dom needs to be an exension of your own personality. Even better put, I think it is already a part of you, that you will have to uncover through your experiences.

To answer your question, there is no doubt in my mind that you are a Dom. People on the GB talk shit about me for thinking I'm a Dom when I'm really a prick, but the two are not mutually exclusive. The truth is, I am a prick, and a Dom. I'm also a million other things that have nothing to do with the way I like my sex. If you want to be sensitive, caring, humorous and a Dom, go right ahead. There are subs out there that are dying for a Dom like that, but if you don't believe you can Dom them, they won't either.

And finally, don't let anyone make you feel bad about having doubts, or about being open about them. In my experience, the most confident people are those that are secure about their insecurities. I wish you the best of luck in your journey and know that you have my confidence at all times, and I am always a PM away.

 

[chris9]

I have to agree to what everybody said. There is someone who prefers your way to be dominant over the more stereo-typical way. In any way you should never "act" in a way that others seem to think appropriatly only to make them believe you are different from your own self. This might not be as bad on the internet in a forum like this one, it is just normal to show others a trait you want to have. But when it comes to a relationship, especially one that requires the other person to give themselves up to your control, honesty is absolutely necessary.
As to your comparison to the Marquis: Look at his AVs, and then look at yours. (Seeing, though most certainly isn't everything, is for the impression of another person very important.) And I agree with naughtygirl that taking anyone as an example (no matter if this person is acting a role) is just not working, as you need to find your own way of dominating that it is just a "different people-different character" thing, as in everything else.

 

[naughtygirl69s]

Jason,

I'm touched that you think of me this way, and was equally touched when Oberon said something similar recently. The way I portray myself online is not inaccurate to who I am in real life, but being -hmmmm I'll just say "the way I am" because I'm not sure how I'm being characterized here- is more a factor of how I grew up than the role I play with the females I'm close to. I'm a kitten compared to a lot of the guys I hang out with, but I am hands down the most dominant in my relationships.

Being a Dom, or acting Domly is kinda like being a Dad, or acting Dad-like. Sure there are skills Dad's need that men without children often don't have, but there are a million and one ways to be a Dad. It's always good to look elsewhere for ideas and examples, but at the end of the day being a Dom needs to be an exension of your own personality. Even better put, I think it is already a part of you, that you will have to uncover through your experiences.

To answer your question, there is no doubt in my mind that you are a Dom. People on the GB talk shit about me for thinking I'm a Dom when I'm really a prick, but the two are not mutually exclusive. The truth is, I am a prick, and a Dom. I'm also a million other things that have nothing to do with the way I like my sex. If you want to be sensitive, caring, humorous and a Dom, go right ahead. There are subs out there that are dying for a Dom like that, but if you don't believe you can Dom them, they won't either.

And finally, don't let anyone make you feel bad about having doubts, or about being open about them. In my experience, the most confident people are those that are secure about their insecurities. I wish you the best of luck in your journey and know that you have my confidence at all times, and I am always a PM away.

You made a good point about the fact that who you are or rather who MOST people turn out to be is a product of how they're raised. I'm a firm believer of that theory.

I wasn't saying that to Jay as a put down to you, I just meant that he shouldn't idolize someone without knowing them personally (which I guess he doesn't).

 

[tainted_love]

Marquis' post is spot on. Being Dominant is an extension of who you are, not an image pulld from the pages of glossy fantasy land where Doms growl at anyone who dares gaze upon their perfection, and swing a whip or crop tirelessly around the clock. There is room, in fact a necessity for several componenets to the Dominant personality, humour and sensitivity being two that never go astray in the right moment.

I think for me it is a sense of Dominance that is felt, and that which I think you sense in Marquis too. More often thn not it is born of confidence, not arrogance, and healthy self esteem, not overbearing obnoxiousness. Much of that grows , though the foundation is usually there to begin with. It is a sometimes hard to make it work and no-one gets it right all the time. Like submissives, even Dominants are human and learn from others as well as themselves.

Edited for typing disasters. - yuk

 

[Guest]

I know that ever since I've started to explore the dominant side of my personality... it's been tough, and I haven't been able to shake something my ex told me... she said she couldn't submit to be because I didn't act like a dom.

Now, I know I'm a dom. I know how I feel, I know I want to be in control. I'm more certain of that now than ever. But is it possible to be a dom, and to be humorous, caring, and nice? That's not exactly what I mean... but just, for example, Marquis. Ever since I've been at this forum, everything he says and does just says he is in control of everything around him. There's no question that the guy is a dom. None at all. I was wondering, first of all, if that is simply a stereotypical perception issue, and secondly, if I come off as a dom. If I do things that might be considered "undomly", what need I do to correct them?

--Jay

Some of us are just more..."relaxed" than others...What you seem to be running into is an incompatability of "fit".
You (the Dom/me/Master PYL) Have to fit the sub...Just as important, they have to fit you..
Sort of like magnets.
Or as I like to say "Perfect opposites that attract perfectly."
You will have (especially as you gain experience), and develop, your own way of doing things.. Your own "style"
In other words ..
Don't sweat it..Just find someone who wants what you are.

 

[jasonlf]

Did she ever dominate you?

Not in an overt way. I will admit that at times, over the 3 years we dated, I was somewhat 'whipped' (in the vanilla, making-fun way of saying it) -- but that was certainly not the case toward the end.

As for everyone else, I appreciate the supportive comments. Sometimes, when you have nobody in r/l who understands this kind of thing, it can be tough to keep yourself in perspective.

I've always been the type of guy who marches to the beat of my own drum, and I shall never stop doing so. I quite enjoy myself just the way I am, and I guess I just need to take a whopping dose of patience so I can learn to wait for a woman who I am compatible with, can love, and dominate, will come into my life.

 

[SueJ]

Jason, don't change. There are plenty of subs out there (myself included) who could never allow themselves to submit to a Dom who did not have the very caring and loving characteristics that concern you. I give to my Husband without any limits; but I can only do that because he is who he is, and I know I can trust him to do what is best for me as well as to suit his own needs and desires. Because of the degree of my desire to submit, I know I must be extremely careful about who holds the whip. <wink> Loving and caring are, for me, the only way.

sue

 

[Betticus]

Jason,

I'm touched that you think of me this way, and was equally touched when Oberon said something similar recently. The way I portray myself online is not inaccurate to who I am in real life, but being -hmmmm I'll just say "the way I am" because I'm not sure how I'm being characterized here- is more a factor of how I grew up than the role I play with the females I'm close to. I'm a kitten compared to a lot of the guys I hang out with, but I am hands down the most dominant in my relationships.

Being a Dom, or acting Domly is kinda like being a Dad, or acting Dad-like. Sure there are skills Dad's need that men without children often don't have, but there are a million and one ways to be a Dad. It's always good to look elsewhere for ideas and examples, but at the end of the day being a Dom needs to be an exension of your own personality. Even better put, I think it is already a part of you, that you will have to uncover through your experiences.

To answer your question, there is no doubt in my mind that you are a Dom. People on the GB talk shit about me for thinking I'm a Dom when I'm really a prick, but the two are not mutually exclusive. The truth is, I am a prick, and a Dom. I'm also a million other things that have nothing to do with the way I like my sex. If you want to be sensitive, caring, humorous and a Dom, go right ahead. There are subs out there that are dying for a Dom like that, but if you don't believe you can Dom them, they won't either.

And finally, don't let anyone make you feel bad about having doubts, or about being open about them. In my experience, the most confident people are those that are secure about their insecurities. I wish you the best of luck in your journey and know that you have my confidence at all times, and I am always a PM away.

I would like to also point out that Marquis, even though there are some doubters because he is still new and hasn't fully explored his Dominant side, he is a Dom. He has put up with a lot of crap here and pulled right through it with untarnished colors.

I know that in real life Marquis and I would probably fight it out in the club but it's only because of the alpha heirarchy. My petty prejudices don't make me think of him as less or more of a Dom. He is pretty unwavering and that says a lot.

It's somewhat like two people who are somewhat alike having a silly difference of opinion on the smallest thing. Another Dom gets in my way and they are my meat, pretty much the same for Marquis.

I'm willing to bet that if he and I were in a parking lot full of rapists we could take care of business then have a beer for the fuck of it.

Marquis may be a bit young but don't underestimate him is all I'm saying. I have a feeling that there is a lot more to him than he's shown us so far.

I'm still a fucking newb to this lifestyle but if a man gets in my way in the club he's nothing but a bitch to me. He will be my bitch. That is natural personality asserting itself. I fear that Marquis is a lot more dangerous than I am. He has a sadism quotent that hasn't been yet assesed. I don't like it when girls cry and he does.

Take some notice here.

 

[curiousjen]

You've had some excellent advice, and I have not much more to add other than my husband is the very kind of Dom you describe yourself as, and he can blow my mind and fuck with my body better than any of the big headed alpha male wannabes I had the misfortune to involve myself with before I met him. Unfortunately a lot of women fall for arrogant men who treat them like shit because they think its dominance, when really its just selfishness dressed up in leather.

I used to fall for men like that, and you may get disillusioned with all the women these dickheads attract. Maybe you would consider turning into one of them but that would be a grave mistake. If you stay true to yourself then that is the most important thing, and you greatly increase your chances of finding a successful relationship, although nothing is guaranteed of course. Also, bear in mind that a lot of the kind of women who fall for these wankers (i include myself in this) are often not the most stable or really capable of a healthy submission, at least in that time of their lives. Of course there are exceptions, but I have found this to be the case in my life.

My husband has a wicked mind, and a gentle soul.

For me thats the perfect combination in a Dom, and I couldn't be happier.

(this was not an underhand attack at Marquis BTW. There are lots of alpha males who are not time wasters. Anyway, he may be an alpha male, yes, but I'm convinced he's a big softie underneath! )

 

[catalina_francisco]

I fear that Marquis is a lot more dangerous than I am. He has a sadism quotent that hasn't been yet assesed. I don't like it when girls cry and he does.

Take some notice here.

LOL, I so believe you are right in that Marquis will become much more than we have seen here to date....I wonder if the enjoyment of tears is a Taurus Dom thing? Certainly is one of the highpoints in this household and growing more so everyday...perhaps it is something to do with the taste for sadistic pleasures which allows these Doms to develop such a keen astuteness to those elements which can enslave the masochistic sub so seemingly effortlessly and swiftly.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

Don't act it. Be it.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Don't act it. Be it.

Add the international symbol for bdsm and the tshirts and bumper stickers will sell like hot cakes.

 

[DutchDom]

Humor and Dominance

But is it possible to be a dom, and to be humorous, caring, and nice?

I’m just gonna hint on the Dominance / humor part here.
IMHO they go together very well.
To make my point I’m going to quote a Dutch comedian.

By a certain definition a comedian is someone who makes people think about certain taboos that exist within our society.


For instance… Lately, I’ve often made my wife think about voluntary euthanasia.

 

[jasonlf]

You've had some excellent advice, and I have not much more to add other than my husband is the very kind of Dom you describe yourself as, and he can blow my mind and fuck with my body better than any of the big headed alpha male wannabes I had the misfortune to involve myself with before I met him. Unfortunately a lot of women fall for arrogant men who treat them like shit because they think its dominance, when really its just selfishness dressed up in leather.

I used to fall for men like that, and you may get disillusioned with all the women these dickheads attract. Maybe you would consider turning into one of them but that would be a grave mistake. If you stay true to yourself then that is the most important thing, and you greatly increase your chances of finding a successful relationship, although nothing is guaranteed of course. Also, bear in mind that a lot of the kind of women who fall for these wankers (i include myself in this) are often not the most stable or really capable of a healthy submission, at least in that time of their lives. Of course there are exceptions, but I have found this to be the case in my life.

My husband has a wicked mind, and a gentle soul.

For me thats the perfect combination in a Dom, and I couldn't be happier.

(this was not an underhand attack at Marquis BTW. There are lots of alpha males who are not time wasters. Anyway, he may be an alpha male, yes, but I'm convinced he's a big softie underneath! )

Thanks for the vote of confidence

 

[s'lara]

Don't act it. Be it.

Simple and true.

i've known soft spoken Dominants who wore glasses (supposedly very unDomly) and were gentle in nature. i've known uber-aggressive, posturing control freaks who believed that exhibiting these charateristics was a Domly requirement. Then there are those Dominants who fall into the middle of those two extremes.

i think prescribing to someone elses idea of what a Dominant should be is behaving unDomly. i was surprised once by a Dominant who i thought was a mild mannered Clark Kent. After a transgression that will go unmentioned (ahem), i was quietly and savagely slammed back into my place with one conversation. Effective indeed. Also taught me to rid myself of preconcieved notions.

Walk your own road as others have said. That's a start. But sticking to that road and not allowing others to deter you from your method of Domming (within sensible reason) is what i find to be Domly behaviour. Anything else is conformity.

Good luck.

lara

 

[jasonlf]

I think that the community does WAY too little to make these type (me?) of people feel welcome.

All of the stories you read... all of them have some strong, strapping dom... hell, some of the BDSM stories read like a romance novel with ropes.

Not saying people on this forum do it, or do it on purpose, but I am saying that it's easy to feel less-accepted as a dom if you aren't a gangbusters-type.

Or maybe it just feels that way because the internet-age pseudo-subs flock to those types.

Who knows, either way, thanks for the boost and the comments.

 

[Netzach]

I think that the community does WAY too little to make these type (me?) of people feel welcome.

All of the stories you read... all of them have some strong, strapping dom... hell, some of the BDSM stories read like a romance novel with ropes.

Not saying people on this forum do it, or do it on purpose, but I am saying that it's easy to feel less-accepted as a dom if you aren't a gangbusters-type.

Or maybe it just feels that way because the internet-age pseudo-subs flock to those types.

Who knows, either way, thanks for the boost and the comments.

All the stories have some buxom rich femDom with a castle and an underground network of slave traders in them too, but that doesn't translate into actual unwelcome in the real world, to me anyway.

I don't expect submissives to behave any special way as a rule and the ones who interest me tend to extend the same courtesy to me.

 

[jasonlf]

All the stories have some buxom rich femDom with a castle and an underground network of slave traders in them too, but that doesn't translate into actual unwelcome in the real world, to me anyway.

I don't expect submissives to behave any special way as a rule and the ones who interest me tend to extend the same courtesy to me.

Well of course I don't expect to be treated special... I guess... blah, I don't know how to say it... someone come here and post what I'm thinking, haha

 

[Shadowsdream]

As Netzach points out...Don't act it. Do it. Yet in the beginning you are creating a persona that experience will hone to perfection. Stay real within it for the transparency of inauthenticity is blinding.
Be you but be the best you you can be. Honesty and integrity go further than brutality and bravado. Humor when well placed and not a cover up for seriousness or a lack of confidence has a huge place within a happy BDSM relationship. Don't sweat the small stuff.