Accepting who you are

[A Desert Rose]

Self-acceptance and self-esteem are the cornerstones of a happy life. For people who are sexually unconventional, this foundation is often shaky and, at times, non-existent. In our culture, it is difficult to feel good about yourself when the sting of a whip is your idea of a sensual caress.

Ever since psychiatrists in 19th Century Europe first classified kinky behaviors as abnormal, ugly myths have prevailed over honest information. Sexual variations which are largely the outgrowth of normal and innate human impulses have been labeled as perversions and sicknesses.

We have no public role models to show us that it is possible to act out unusual sexual fantasies safely and lovingly. The popular image of the "sexual pervert" is of a shady, neurotic character who lurks in dark bars, incapable of intimacy, consumed by morbid, even violent, urges.

http://gloria-brame.com/domidea/key.htm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Many unknowns come into this forum and lurk and read, trying to learn what it is that draws them or us to this forum. Many new faces post here without a clear understanding of what this forum really is to those of us who do post here or what it could potentially be to them. Many others come here and post their desire to learn and explore, on an adventure of self discovery.

Ulitmately, the most important thing for all of us, is to accept who and what we are as sexual beings.

Anyone have any ideas or opinions on the topic?

 

[artful]

Self-acceptance and self-esteem are the cornerstones of a happy life. For people who are sexually unconventional, this foundation is often shaky and, at times, non-existent. In our culture, it is difficult to feel good about yourself when the sting of a whip is your idea of a sensual caress.

Ever since psychiatrists in 19th Century Europe first classified kinky behaviors as abnormal, ugly myths have prevailed over honest information. Sexual variations which are largely the outgrowth of normal and innate human impulses have been labeled as perversions and sicknesses.

We have no public role models to show us that it is possible to act out unusual sexual fantasies safely and lovingly. The popular image of the "sexual pervert" is of a shady, neurotic character who lurks in dark bars, incapable of intimacy, consumed by morbid, even violent, urges.

http://gloria-brame.com/domidea/key.htm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Many unknowns come into this forum and lurk and read, trying to learn what it is that draws them or us to this forum. Many new faces post here without a clear understanding of what this forum really is to those of us who do post here or what it could potentially be to them. Many others come here and post their desire to learn and explore, on an adventure of self discovery.

Ulitmately, the most important thing for all of us, is to accept who and what we are as sexual beings.

Anyone have any ideas or opinions on the topic?

I have been preaching the,..."Find Your Own Inner Truth",...for years. That is where it's all at,...and THAT'S the only place one can find it.

(JMHO),...but it's mine,...and I own it.

 

[curious2c]

I have always had a problem with psychiatrists. That whole Freud thing of connecting it all back to your mother or father sexually seemed so...bogus. I still feel that they don't really have a grasp on human thinking as well as they think.

Sexuality has always been under fire ever since religion came along. It seems that power can be derived from telling people what is right and wrong in their lives by pointing out sex as a main cause of what ever the problem with soceity happens to be having at the moment. Sexuality has been negatively connected to, well just about everything under the sun, from serial killers to child molesters, abusive parents to homeless people, and most things in between.

Admitedly, some of it is connected in a way, but I think that people in their search of God, or Allah, or Buddah, tend to want to point a finger and say how much more righteous they are because of their beliefs than you are because of your wrong or supposed non beliefs. One can point to the Salem witch trials, or the fight against that ungodly comunisim, or many other 'bad' things. sex gets caught up in the mix, almost every time.

BDSM also tends to frighten those who do not choose to understand it. I will admit that until I read certain books that refered to BDSM I never dreamed of it being anything but evil bad and nasty.

 

[Cirrus]

This is something I often think about. I have low self esteem...though I don't really know why. I know I'm not beautiful or ugly, just average like most people, and I have my good features and bad features. I know that I am smart and witty, though my "negative" personality traits seem to be what I focus on and I have a hard time taking complements. I often feel like others are judging me, and one mistake (or what I perceive as a mistake) will make me "not worthy" in their eyes. And Freud be damned (I don't subscribe to his theories either), I think a lot of it really DOES have to do with my mother.

In light of all that, sometimes I wish I were nilla. If you like "normal" sex, there's really no room for judgement, is there, because you're like The Majority. But the thing is, I'm just NOT nilla. Not totally anyway. And to try to say that I am, is denying my real self.

As far as their being no "role models" for us perverts. I wouldnt' say that's totally true. While there is no one single person or group that stands out in my mind that makes kinky mainstream, I think a lot of what was once considered left of center is becoming more accepted by the general population.

Think about it...I have 3 tattoos. One on my right hip, one on my right shoulder blade and one on my left ankle. All can be covered when I don't want them shown, and they're all small pieces. I've had older friends tell me that when they were my age, the only people that had tattoos were sailors and white trash. But now, it's VERY common for females and males alike to have ink, regardless of their social standing or other interests. Hell, when I was in Jr. High, anyone with double pierced ears was a radical. Now I look at someone who has an eyebrow piercing and consider it pretty conservative.

I think the same holds true for sex. I think "back in the day" the only people who were open about BDSM were gay men...leather men. Now, in certain circles, you can speak about or hint at being a little kinky, and not too many people will flinch. Even in relatively mainstream stores and websites there's "light" bondage gear. I was shopping for condoms the other day at condommania.com because all you can get around here are Trojans...which I universally hate, and even though that site is pretty tame, there was a section with the fur cuffs, etc. Would you have seen that 5 years ago? Probably not. Would there have even BEEN a condommania 10 years ago? Again, probably not.

 

[A Desert Rose]

In light of all that, sometimes I wish I were nilla. If you like "normal" sex, there's really no room for judgement, is there, because you're like The Majority. But the thing is, I'm just NOT nilla. Not totally anyway. And to try to say that I am, is denying my real self.

You are so right. Sometimes it is easier to "go along" with the so-called acceptable behaviors.

But regardless of what you think about what you call your own low self-esteem, Cirrus, you do value yourself and your needs. As you so aptly state, "to try and say that I am (something I may not be) is denying my real self."

On a personal note, I have always read your posts and enjoyed them and many times agree with you. Thank you for posting here.

 

[A Desert Rose]

BDSM also tends to frighten those who do not choose to understand it. I will admit that until I read certain books that refered to BDSM I never dreamed of it being anything but evil bad and nasty.

You touched on several good points here but I want to choose the last statement to address.

There have recently been many curious lurkers here, some have posted, I am sure many have not. There are many misconceptions about BDSM and about those who have an admitted bent to the kinky.

If there is ever a topic and forum where Ishmael's advice is best suited it is this topic and forum. "Post to the lurkers" he has told me numerous times. It is an obligation of those of us who embrace BDSM to make it understandable to those who are lurking and learning.

It is an intense and sometimes contentious topic. It can become emotional. There are as many opinions and feelings as there are posters and lurkers. Every one of them are valid. Many times when all these ideas are thrown out there, it becomes confusing for the the readers and those who are trying to learn.

Those who lurk and read will soon discover that those of us who embrace BDSM are a caring, sincere and intelligent group, even in light of the little disagreements we may have when bearing our souls and ideas to each other.

I am so happy curious2c and boring1 have come over and taken the time to read, post questions and opinions and make the effort to do a bit of self discovery. If all you learn is that we are not dark, evil, sadistic people, but loving, caring, intelligent ones, then much has been gained. I do think however, that what you will really discover is more about *you* and what you need and desire in your lives.

I encourage other lurkers to do the same. Ask questions, make observations..... our unofficial BDSM motto is "Feel free to ask anything. We won't bite but you might get a spanking." ~smile~

 

[curious2c]

sometimes too, the fact that one learns about themselves something that is foreign to them can cause them to second guess their inner most thoughts and feelings. What they know they tought and what reality is can be far different than they originally supposed.

Coming to terms with these new thoughts and feelings can be quite nerve wracking and intimidating too. What they have heard in the past versus what they have learned can be two different and widely seperated things.

 

[MissTaken]

For a long time, I felt that my "vanilla" self and my "Submissive" self were at odds, constantly conflicting morally, spiritually and socially.

I now realize, that it is just my "self."

I dont' need names or tags to make me who I am and the more I learn , the more I know and understand what I need and enjoy.

IT is a growth process, hampered by our upbringing, the mores of society and many other factors.

Finding one's self and finding peace are often lifelong journeys.

Best of luck to all.

 

[A Desert Rose]

For a long time, I felt that my "vanilla" self and my "Submissive" self were at odds, constantly conflicting morally, spiritually and socially.

I now realize, that it is just my "self."

I dont' need names or tags to make me who I am and the more I learn , the more I know and understand what I need and enjoy.

IT is a growth process, hampered by our upbringing, the mores of society and many other factors.

Finding one's self and finding peace are often lifelong journeys.

Best of luck to all.

Like you, I have no quibble with all the facets that make up who "Rose" is. I like traditional (I hate the word vanilla- it's a silly personal thingy) sex and I love bdsm. I like mixing the two up and making one hell of a milkshake, too. I know that deep down I am a submissive in bed. I like being that and I like being me.

The men I know, seem to like who and what I am. One in particular ~wink~ seems to like me just fine.

Many things make us who we are. Once we accept that and embrace that about ourselves, amazingly others are doing the same.

 

[lustforlife74]

Well put Rose. Sexuality is human, not something to be hidden. Without it our species would die. The puritanical nature of censorship confonds me. They can show people getting maimed and killed on television, but they can't show breasts?

 

[A Desert Rose]

Well put Rose. Sexuality is human, not something to be hidden. Without it our species would die. The puritanical nature of censorship confonds me. They can show people getting maimed and killed on television, but they can't show breasts?

You are a new face to me.... WELCOME!

thank you for your post.

I agree that the silliness and hypocrisy of our society is very puritanical and like you, it confuses me. But finding the beauty in life and love is really easy, outside the spoonfeeding we often get from the media and cinema.

Again Lust, it's great to have you posting. Thank you.

 

[lustforlife74]

Thank You, Rose for your welcome.

I'm new because I've never been into the power/submissive side of sex. I just thought that the logic in your post was valid. I can never take orders from anyone. I am free and I want my main lover to be free with an anything goes attitude.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Thank You, Rose for your welcome.

I'm new because I've never been into the power/submissive side of sex. I just thought that the logic in your post was valid. I can never take orders from anyone. I am free and I want my main lover to be free with an anything goes attitude.

Does this mean you are interested in learning about power exchange and the BDSM genre?

Please feel free to ask questions and post your observations.

Always nice to have new ideas.

 

[MissTaken]

Hmmm

a random thought:

BDSM doesn't define who I am.

How I interact with my environment, my values and belief systems define who I am.

End of random thought....

 

[Ebonyfire]

Self-acceptance and self-esteem are the cornerstones of a happy life.

IMHO, self-acceptance and self esteem have nothing to do with kink or sexuality.

You either have it or you don't. If you don't have it, it spills over into all aspects of your life, including your sexuality.

The bottomline is this: learn to love and accept yourself, and then the aspects of your life can be put into perspective.

Perspective is everything.

Ebony <YMMV>

 

[Ysandre]

Re: Re: Accepting who you are

IMHO, self-acceptance and self esteem have nothing to do with kink or sexuality.

You either have it or you don't. If you don't have it, it spills over into all aspects of your life, including your sexuality.

The bottomline is this: learn to love and accept yourself, and then the aspects of your life can be put into perspective.

Perspective is everything.

Ebony <YMMV>

You make a very good statement. Some good some to be worked on.
I don't agree with you have it or you don't. I had it when I was younger, then I didn't, then someone showed me how to build it in someone else, and it built it in me all the more.
I think anyone can build it and open it up. It's not a have it or don't situation.

I Completely agree with you bottom line. Learn to lover yourself, accept yourself and see yourself as the beautiful person you are instead of striving for some make believe ideal set by someone else.
Just my opinion tho

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Re: Accepting who you are

I don't agree with you have it or you don't.

You misunderstood my statement, Ysandre.

I did not mean that you never can get it. I never said that. Please do not read into my statements things that are not there. If you do not understand what I mean, please ask for clarification.

Ebony

 

[maddi]

All I know is that I have good self esteem in most other areas of my life except body image and that effects my BDSM life because it is one of a few reasons that hold me back from joining a local group and learn even more.

I have been working on this and I don't think that I will ever feel fully comfortable untill I am a size 6 and svelte.

But I am very accepting of the BDSM lifestyle and the people in it. I know only a few though. But alternative doesn't scare me. I was alternative and now my teenage children are already alternative and if they find this lifestyle great, if they don't oh well!? But I still love and care for them -- just as I care for other friends kink or not.

What's inside counts more. I just am harder on myself and want better for my master.

Maddi

 

[A Desert Rose]

Self esteem and self acceptance have a lot to do with how we interact socially as well as sexually. Sexuality is a social behavior.

It goes without saying to most, that when we feel good about ourselves, take pride in and value ourselves, we behave with others in a positive way.

Confident and self assured people draw others to them, naturally.

Look at those you choose for friends or sexual partners. Look at those who you want to cultivate a friendship or romance with. What kind of people are they?

 

[bored1]

Self esteem and self acceptance have a lot to do with how we interact socially as well as sexually. Sexuality is a social behavior.

It goes without saying to most, that when we feel good about ourselves, take pride in and value ourselves, we behave with others in a positive way.

Confident and self assured people draw others to them, naturally.

Look at those you choose for friends or sexual partners. Look at those who you want to cultivate a friendship or romance with. What kind of people are they?

Excellent obesevation

 

[A Desert Rose]

bored1

Your pm box is full, deary.

And thank you. ~smile~

 

[A Desert Rose]

"A man has as many social selves as there are individuals who recognize him and carry an image of him in their mind." William James

Anyone care to discuss that quote?

 

[MissTaken]

"A man has as many social selves as there are individuals who recognize him and carry an image of him in their mind." William James

Anyone care to discuss that quote?

THe implication seems to be that our social self is who and how we are recieved by others.

I can agree with that.
Whether it is someone on this board or a co worker, there is no way for them to know our many facets.

I believe there are few who can truly understand all teh pieces of our nature and social selves. IT would be my hope that those few people would consider themselves honored by the gift of our friendship and even love.

 

[TheWanderer]

Being something of a lurker myself...

There have recently been many curious lurkers here, some have posted, I am sure many have not. There are many misconceptions about BDSM and about those who have an admitted bent to the kinky.
...Those who lurk and read will soon discover that those of us who embrace BDSM are a caring, sincere and intelligent group, even in light of the little disagreements we may have when bearing our souls and ideas to each other.

I have to admit, my original image of BDSM'ers was a group of leather-clad whip-bearing sadists that scared the @#$ out of me. But it's been said that the best weapon against fear is information, and that's especially true here.

The more time I've spent learning about those people in the scene, the more I've come to the conclusion they are, in fact, often more 'real', more insightful, more considerate, more patient, more open-minded - in many ways, closer to the people I choose to associate with as friends!

I had noticed quite some time ago that the BDSM forum - for being such a public board - was relatively free of the usual internet idiocy that invariably fills any public posting facility. In my mind, that's a credit to the people who post here. I've found more people I consider to be wise, caring, compassionate individuals here than on ANY other internet site, board, program, etc.

So yes, if you (the lurker) have legitimate questions, concerns, or just want to say 'hello', feel free. I've learned as much about social interaction (in general!) as I have about BDSM from this forum, and I thank everyone who's contributed to my education, no matter how small of a means.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

 

[MissTaken]

Wonderful post, Wanderer.

As someone who has posted here rather regularly, I am pleased to see that the negativity that pervades the forum, from time to time isn't how we, as a group of people are identified.

Thanks! Yes, lurkers, step forward!


Interestingly enough, what someone reading the forum reads on the forum is a glimpse of one side of our personas. As I reflected above, we are all, here, there and everywhere, multi faceted personalities.

I. too, was pleasantly surprised along the way to find that those leather clad heathens, as I pictured them, were very intelligent, engaging individuals and I am proud to have friends in the lifestyle.