about "why?" (more for subs, but all answers appreciated)

[bunny bondage]

ok, my dom likes is an intellectual and a lit teacher, and that comes out in our little relationship. now, during play and sex, i'm used to being asked questions like "do you like that? does it hurt?" and the like, but now i'm being asked WHY i like it, WHY does it feel good, and well, i just find it difficult to put into words (espically while i'm twisted tied and getting fucked from behind) so i pose you all this same question.

why does it feel good to have sex with your dom?
why do you like it?

 

[MissTaken]

Is He looking for you to say, "Because I love you, Sir" or something of that ilk?

Would what he does with you feel good with anyone, that good with just anyone?

He may want to hear that he is special.

 

[serijules]

ok, my dom likes is an intellectual and a lit teacher, and that comes out in our little relationship. now, during play and sex, i'm used to being asked questions like "do you like that? does it hurt?" and the like, but now i'm being asked WHY i like it, WHY does it feel good, and well, i just find it difficult to put into words (espically while i'm twisted tied and getting fucked from behind) so i pose you all this same question.

I don't have a sexual intercourse relationship with anyone right now, so I can't answer your question in the way it was posed, but I did want to comment on the above...

I have a few Dom friends that are like that, constantly asking me if I like something, and why I like it or don't like it.

It drives me nuts. I know why they are asking and I do appreciate that they want my feedback, but the "why" or "what" question just grates on my nerves most of the time. "What do you like about being caned?" is just an impossible question for me to answer in a few words or spur of the moment. "Why does that feel good?" when he is holding a vibrator to my clit and pinching my nipples brings me down from my orgasmic high pretty quickly.

I don't like playing 20 questions when I'm playing. Wanting feedback is necessary and I am fine with that, but the constant questions of why or what are annoying and distracting for me, and very difficult to answer, especially in the heat of the moment.

 

[cellis]

I really need to have that not going on when we are playing. We talk alot about what happened afterwards, but during there is very little questioning on His part. He gives me instructions and I am most of the time not expected to talk. Besides if I was answering questions how could I stay in sub space?

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Is He Just Cautious?

Could be any number of explanations.

Maybe he's just being cautious about what he's doing with you. Not all Doms are unfeeling sadists, and we care about the pleasure of our subs very much. On the other hand, maybe he /is/ looking to find your limits so he can go beyond them.

First thing that comes to mind though is that he just wants you to be more vocal. A lot of subs seem to lose their voice during sex, no doubt because of the "don't speak till you're spoken too" thing. I myself just love to hear the moans, groans, gasps, and dirty words during sex, even is she's gagged. Especially if she's gagged.

The involvement of many subs seems to end when they commit to being subs. Then it's like they're just a disinterested bystander. Probably many like this role: "Do what you want with me; just don't ask me to get involved." I don't think many Doms find this satisfying.

But that's just me.

---dr.M.

 

[TheWanderer]

ok, my dom likes is an intellectual and a lit teacher, and that comes out in our little relationship. now, during play and sex, i'm used to being asked questions like "do you like that? does it hurt?" and the like, but now i'm being asked WHY i like it, WHY does it feel good, and well, i just find it difficult to put into words (espically while i'm twisted tied and getting fucked from behind) so i pose you all this same question.
why does it feel good to have sex with your dom?
why do you like it?

While my 'dom-hood' is unestablished at this point, I'll throw my voice in here....

Many times, I would ask similar questions of the women goodly enough to share their body. For me, it was wanting to understand better - but then, I've always been a 'why' and 'how' kind of person. One of the upsides to this is once I understand the 'why' and 'how', I can begin to determine what other ways my partner might find pleasure, in things she might not have thought of on her own.

However, I've learned over the years 'time and place', so that after and before is good, but during is not the best.

 

[TheWanderer]

First thing that comes to mind though is that he just wants you to be more vocal. A lot of subs seem to lose their voice during sex, no doubt because of the "don't speak till you're spoken too" thing. I myself just love to hear the moans, groans, gasps, and dirty words during sex, even is she's gagged. Especially if she's gagged.

Heh heh heh

The involvement of many subs seems to end when they commit to being subs. Then it's like they're just a disinterested bystander. Probably many like this role: "Do what you want with me; just don't ask me to get involved." I don't think many Doms find this satisfying.

To my way of thinking, that's not being submissive, that's being lazy. Don't get me wrong, that's an opinion, having been with both submissive women and lazy women in my life...

More seriously, however, I've explored much with a woman in my past who was VERY seriously sexually abused. Torture and the like. And not in a good way. One of the common threads was a willingness to participate as long as emotion wasn't involved.

We found an excellent book on this, "The Survivor's Guide To Sex" by Staci Haines. Well worth the reading, and while it's written from a broad base, there is a good quantity of general information about BDSM.

...I realize this wasn't entirely what you were asking, but if 1 person gets use out of that book, it was worth my time to write it.

 

[G.Helena's gift]

Agree and Disagree

Well, first... hi. =) i'm new here... my Mistress, Goddess Helena, has allowed me to register here. Hello, all! *wave*

i agree with dr_mabeuse in that communication is very important. i have also noticed that my Mistress sometimes gets frustrated if i do not let Her know somehow that i am enjoying or at least actively engaged in what She is doing to me or what W/we are doing together, because silence is too easily mistaken for boredom.

At the same time, though, i also agree with the opinion that it takes one out of subspace. Many times, i can become so focused on the display of Her power over me that i simply can't hold a rational discourse om what is pleasing me and why. =) Usually, though, my body language will tell Her what She wants to know, anyway. i hope, at least.

i think the best time to talk about what is pleasing, what is not, and where limits stand is before or after playing. That way, the Dom/me knows exactly how S/He wants to push them before things get involved and the "moment" is never lost.

 

[Angelofsex]

Making love to my Dom is so special, because he make me feel so special. In my case he give me what I need the desire to feel wanted. That I would want to please him in anyway my limits make me or maybe even past my limits, it depends.

He also wants to feel special in my eyes too, as I want to feel to him. Communication is very important to both our needs, to understand one another, to feel what the other feels and for me to make him happy. If I know he is happy, then my body feels the warmness.

I wish I was into this awhile ago,D/s. Someone I push away because I wasn't ready is a great lost to me today. My new Dom is filling that lost.

 

[redelicious]

I have not yet been with my Dom in r/l, however, he also frequently asks "why" questions. I think sometimes he does it for clarification, but mainly I think he wants to make sure that I am really thinking through my wants and needs. Having to provide a thoughtful explaination forces me to dig deep and understand my submission, if that makes any sense. By doing this I grow as a person and our relationship is strengthened.

 

[redelicious]

I stepped away for a bit and began to think my previous answer wasn't quite on topic, so let me try again...

When my Dom asks me why something feels good or why I need/want it, it forces me to answer in explicit terms. In this way he is expanding my comfort zone, building trust, and freeing my mind.

But again...this is from someone without r/l experience.

 

[Goddess Helena]

Welcome, darling boy

I tend to think of questions while playing as a welfare check. It takes a lot of time and play to understand what kind of gasps one is hearing. There are a lot of variables to manage during play and there are times when I need to make sure that my boy is alright and that I am not pushing him too far. I am sure that in time, I will become better at reading him. Things have been getting better lately.

bunny bondage, is the relationship with your Master a new one? Perhaps he is trying to understand how far to push you and/or how far you can be taken in play. Have you asked him after playing why he questions you while playing?

I do agree that after a session is a better time to talk. My boy and I also make a point of spending time just talking about what we both need, making sure that we are on the same page.

As was stated in another thread, communication is key.


Helena

 

[MasterKensbeany]

I played with a Dom for awhile who used questions as a way to keep me out of subspace until he was ready to let me go there. It was his way of keeping me alert and focused, he hated it when I zoned too quickly. He never really expected intellingent, coherent answers from me but he did insist that I answer him as best as I was able. How well I answered also gave him a way to gauge exactly where I was and how much further he could push me.

It did sometimes irk me when he was doing it. The trade off was that I could stay with him and prolong an enjoyable experience.

Respectfully
beany

 

[zipman]

I know this is for subs, but...

I just had to reply. So why do Dom/mes ask so many questions. Well for a lot of reasons. I think several people here have given great answers, but there is one other that needs mentioning.

We ask questions to learn more about how and why a sub feels the way they do. Often, the reaons why someone likes something is as important as what they liked.

Here's an example. I am having a scene with a sub and I put on a mask and do not speak during the scene to create the illusion that I am someone else. She goes through a variety of emotions during the scene and comes very hard at the end. I could just say, well, she liked this so I should do it again. But if I take the time to ask her, to really question why, I might find out that she really liked parts of it and didn't like other parts. Perhaps the thought of a stranger truned her on. Perhaps she was fantasizing that I gave her away to someone else. It is impossible for me to guess what she was feeling so I use questions to really get into her head. This way, I am able to replicate those feeling when I want for our mutual benefit

I think it is critical to understand why or why not a sub likes something. It is a sign of caring, and in my opinion, a sign of good Domming. I generally do not do this during a scene, but there may be reasons why I would choose to. Subs and Dom/mes should always try and understand the why's, as they the psychological aspects of BDSM are often, the most powerful and when used correctly, can turn a good scene into an unforgettable one!

 

[Guest]

My Master asks me "WHY" all the time along with many many many other questions. I will admit it does irk me sometimes, but I also know he does it because he is my Master..he loves me and is taking care of me. Communication is so important in any relationship...I can only speak for myself, but being submissive also has made me be on the quiet side. If my Master had not asked questions our relationship would not be as wonderful as it is today.

silkee_A

 

[Hecate]

I try to not throw in to many "Why's" usually, but admittedly I do have periods where my "play style" has something "scientific" about it.

I am then not so much engulfed in my own pleasure in a scene but take on a very observing point, almost like, as I said, a scientist with a lab mouse *grins*. This happens specially when i try something new, or when I do think something is changing within my sub and the triggers involved.

Alas, the "why" usually doesn't pop up during play time, as answers are made kinda ... erhhmmm ... hard when being gagged *winks*. I do though like to discuss afterwards. Unfortunately, I do find that specially male submissives have quite a hard time expresing their thoughts on "why" and "how did it feel" and such ... (Dommes, any thoughts on that? A male thing or is that just my specimen?)

What I basically avoid asking is "why did this ~insert specific physical action here~ feel good?" ... it is as if someone asked me why red wine tastes good - only answer: becasue I like it.
I'd rather like to know what emotions the scene provoked, was there anything that was disturbing the flow, that was giving reason to pause or draw-back.

My reasoning may be slightly confusing, hope I made some sense here nevertheless.

 

[li'a-wahine]

a different twist......

hi there~

I have a different view, but it really depends on a few things.

*what is His intensions with the questions, does he seriously need to know from you WHY you feel the way you do?

*if not, is it a personal satisfaction for HIM to see you strugle to find the words to tell him.........

I know that there are times that my Master will do this to me, it drives me NUTS, but at the same time I love it because I know how much it pleases him to see me strugling like that.

lia

 

[rosco rathbone]

I call myself the questions asker. WHy why why why why. It's not because I want to be praised or because I am trying to refine my skills. If I want to be praised I'll say "tell me why I am so fucking great". If I want to refine a skill I'll say so and ask for specifics.

I ask why because something in me tells me that my sexuality-and therefore the sexuality of those I am attracted to-is of key importance to something unknown in my soul. I'm always trying to triangulate on it.

rr

 

[bunny bondage]

Re: Welcome, darling boy

bunny bondage, is the relationship with your Master a new one? Perhaps he is trying to understand how far to push you and/or how far you can be taken in play. Have you asked him after playing why he questions you while playing?




[/B]

yes, the relationship is new, and i have considered the possibility that He just wants to make sure i'm ok, but i really think He's looking for something else. and when i ask Him why He insists on asking such difficult questions during sex, He just says "because i want to know!" and well, i think He's looking for some sort of long explanation on WHY it feels good to fuck Him. i'm such at a loss for words! i've told Him it's because i love being so close to Him, but other than that, i just say "it feels so good" but i have no "why".

i'm just hoping to get everyone else's brains working on "why" it feels good to submit to and make love with their doms/es. cuz damnit, my brain just doesn't seem to be articulating it correctly!

 

[Richard49]

I ask lots of questions
I ask cause I want to know
and I want to know so that I can be a better Dom

However I try NEVER to ask "why"

I ask who,what,when,where and how questions.

I NEVER ask questions cause I want ot feel special
If the submissve (see Miss Taken, I did not say sub )
does not share things that make me feel speical then maybe she and i need to talk

 

[Bijoux]

Tough Question

And who said philosophers were stolid?



I just wanted to tack something on to this thread. This may be a matter of your Dom trying to get you to open up to THEM. I'm stressing that word on purpose. Doms want a sub who will communicate, share, and love them...they don't neccessarily want a sub who communicates, shares, and loves every dom they know. Maybe your dom is trying to create a pattern of actions that is special to the two of you...for example My Dom, with whom I've been intimate for awhile, asks "why" and "how" questions all the time. In our particular situation it is done because I am embarrassed by verbalizing sexual need and/or thoughts - and my Dom is trying to get me to loosen up, in his company at least. The teq. is to question me during play, will the knowledge that if I don't at least TRY to answer honestly he will stop ~insert orgiastic sexual act here~ Then later, after the cool down, the cuddles, and the showers, during that first cup of tea, he'll give me a kiss and then repeat the stuff back to me. While telling a person the reason you like ~insert act~ is because its them doing it and everything they do makes you want to melt through your skin and kiss their body with your essence *cough*...its a WHOLE NOTHER MATTER out of context * embarrassed cough*

Another thought is that your Dom may be trying to use brain fade on you - that timehonored practice of questioning your sub into confusion until nothing is coquerent and they merely want to grovel at your feet until you stop asking questions. Although brainfade gets alot of slack for being verbal abuse, when used effectively it ups the tension in the sub and increases sensitivity - thus the loving ministrations of the dom become MORE so because the sub feels like they have failed [in answering the question]

but thats just an idea of course

B

 

[bunny bondage]

Re: Tough Question

Another thought is that your Dom may be trying to use brain fade on you - that timehonored practice of questioning your sub into confusion until nothing is coquerent and they merely want to grovel at your feet until you stop asking questions. Although brainfade gets alot of slack for being verbal abuse, when used effectively it ups the tension in the sub and increases sensitivity - thus the loving ministrations of the dom become MORE so because the sub feels like they have failed [in answering the question]

but thats just an idea of course

B

oh i didn't even think about that....hmm, good call. it certianly has that effect! maybe that's what He's up to....

 

[maddi]

I agree with so much of what was said already... But my master asks questions (usually like richard the what, when, where) and why is mostly to determine what it is exactly that I liked.

I have become extremely into anal lately. And I believe it is because he saw that I enjoyed something in that area and continued to ask the questions that made him realized what exactly made me cum so hard. Now he is able to mix it up alot because he knows from his questions exactly what spot to touch, how hard to touch, etc. from my why answers.

I also think that he enjoys a feeling of accomplishment when he asks why I liked it and I say something like "because you made me feel so incredible", " Or I felt so open", Whatever.

I guess my little opinion is that I would be more concerned if he didn't say anything. Even in our daily relationship no talking is never good.

Madison

 

[Cirrus]

My current play friend and I play on the pretty light side, so there isn't a WHOLE lot of why's and wherefor's. Yes, we have negotiated, but his desires are WELL within my limits so there really wasn't much to talk about. Since he and I aren't serious, it's just for fun. I'm very close to him as a friend, but nothing more. We play because we're both unattached at the moment and enjoy the same things. My "why" here is because I'm not obligated emotionally and free to enjoy with him.

Now, my ex and I, that's a different story. We were never really too "formal" during play, if I wanted him to stop something or be a little gentler, I'd simply say so. We didn't really use yellow or red words. Like for some reason, one day the anal dildo I could usually take with no trouble hurt. I didn't want to stop entirely, just told him to go a little slower. He did, and I was fine. He never gagged me for that very reason, and I was fine with that.

We did talk a lot about the "whys" afterward though. A large part of it for me was deeply emotional, and in I wanted to submit to HIM, and if I was going to be hurt, I wanted HIM to do it. Another part was pure physiology. Pain and arousal induces an endorphin high that feels damn good. Another part of my "why" was the control fantasy...I could enjoy doing what we did more if I was being forced, figuratively speaking, to do it. It freed me of that mental responsibility of admitting, again figuratively, to experiencing sexual pleasure. For me it wasn't so much about the physical sensations but the mental. Yes, I do find pain in an erotic sense very arousing, but I need to have an emotional connection to he that is providing the pain otherwise it just hurts.

 

[Little Girl]

Re: Re: about "why?" (more for subs, but all answers appreciated)

I don't like playing 20 questions when I'm playing. Wanting feedback is necessary and I am fine with that, but the constant questions of why or what are annoying and distracting for me, and very difficult to answer, especially in the heat of the moment.

I have to agree here, nothing can ruin the mood for me quicker then being asked alot of questions. The time for questions and answers is before or after not during. When I am in the middle of an encounter asking me in-depth questions is like asking me to explain quantam physics..... I freeze and loose the good relaxed feeling I was having before. If they ask, "Does that feel good" I can deal with it, but to ask why it feels good, or what feels good about it can very quickly take the curl out of my toes.