Hecate
Lady Hecate will do
- Joined
- Mar 18, 2000
- Posts
- 1,657
WARNING: Hecate rambling, stay clear if you have an own opinion! 
Let me say how wonderful I find this new little corner of Lit – and let me say how utterly amazed I am about the number of posts and hits in such a short time. It does show me that there is a huge interest in BDSM and related topics – or at least a basic curiosity as to what it is all about. GREAT! Really really wonderful and encouraging to see we can talk and maybe even are listened to as we try to take the prejudices and dust off our likes.
But … (oh didn’t you just wait for that “but”?) … there have been a few posts scattered all over the place that made me feel like lifting some issues to an own thread.
As stated in the title – one of them is
wannabes
I have read the term wannabes on some thread of the board and I read it used in the sense of “newbie” (not much better, I know). Let me clarify my understanding of wannabe in the BDSM context and I think it is clear we are talking two pairs of shoes here !
A wannabe – as the word indicates is someone who “wants to be” but isn’t what he/she pretends to be (yet).
There are different levels of being a “wannabe” - one is that you are new to something, so in the sense of the word you “want to be” a part of a group, sport, lifestyle .. whatever it is you are starting to wet your toes with. But strange enough this is not the kind of person/situation I link to being a “wannabe”. Because that kind of person will be part of whatever it is he/she wants to be part of in no time when a genuine interest is shown. And poof – before you know it you are becoming a new but integrated part of the new group. You may be a newbie *chuckles* but nobody will tell you you are a wannabe.
Now we have those who do NOT have a genuine interest in learning, understanding and integrating into the group they are sticking their feet in. They will remain on such a superficial level that they never will get over the “wanting to be” – stage. Those people – and let me now slide from general approach to the BDSM scene – are what I can not really tolerate very well, specially on the internet, where it is hard to distinguish at first between a nice front put up to deceive and the reality behind it. Specially in the BDSM environment I find that not only to be devious but dangerous. Specially when those however aquired semi-truths and notions are passed on as “knowledge” and experience, when there is no real interest in delving into the depth of all the different facets and sides of BDSM.
There is damage that can be done – there are people involved and feelings to be hurt – doing that under the cover of BDSM I take as a personal attack to something that I hold in high esteem and dear to my heart. There is no excuse whatsoever to show abusive (and I mean no “play-abusive” but the serious kind) behavioral patterns under the cover of being a Dom/me. People that use BDSM as a cover for a quick and careless lay, additionally to the mental damage to a trusting sub, maybe even causing physical pain (and in this case I mean pain and not sensation), those are the “wannabes” I am talking about. People who are simply craving pain but do not really feel like letting anyone else be in charge, people who do pretend to be submissive just to find a caring Dominant to dedicate time to them and their sexual pleasure but in reality just seek a little “extra kick” to get over some kind of boredom for a while or because they think it is “in” to be into BDSM, never exploring their real motivations, needs and desires but passing that on to someone else, those are wannabes in my book.
There is nothing wrong with needing sensation for pleasure – even without submitting – but then say so! There is nothing wrong with experimenting on the sub side – but let the other party know it is for the time being just that – an experiment! Do not (and here we have one of the downsides of the internet) pretend to be something you are not, be it Dominant or submissive!
There is no fault in being new to something and saying so openly to get assistance and guidance if wanted – or simply inspiration if needed. Everyone was new to most things at some stage and if we had let others drive us away from those interests by feeling intimidated by those with more experience we never would learn. So please, everyone out there being new to BDSM – you are NOT a “wannabe” in my book! Not as long as you crave to learn and grow and not only scratch the surface of things to then run off and pretend to be a “Master of your trade” after only the slightest glimpse of things!
So let me say again – someone honestly trying to learn or at least inform themselves may be NEW but is not a “wannabe” (read: pretender)! You are a novice Dom/me or a novice sub, but by taking the step to learn and inform yourself you are past wannabe-stage already and as valid a “member of the club” as are any of us and I invite you all in to learn, explore and share the discoveries of your journey.
That said – and hey, you are still reading it seems … let me swap to the topic of
“breaking a sub”
In case you are reading this and don’t know me – I am a Domme (mostly anyway), and a bisexual one as well. (Talk about options here *winks*)
My submissive is more than my pet (oh yes, she is that too but ...) she is my lover and my friend. She is a most precious jewel that I wear in my “crown” - she sparkles and shines from deep within her, has that special glow that I adore about her. Why am I telling you all this?
Because the moment I would “break” her all that would be gone. There is no sparkle in a shattered and chipped diamond!
Breaking a sub – doesn’t it sound horrible (I can kinda hear the bones crack as I imagine a broken spine)?
Well, for some this is seemingly a challenge, one of the “greater aims” of domination. Sorry, but for me those people have just read a few too many fantasy novels about the subject it seems!
Let me take a detour and try to explain my understanding of breaking someone.
If you have managed to instill fear (physical or emotional) to such an extend into a person so that he/she will do whatever you tell them, without wondering if it is good for them, then someone is broken.
If you have managed to dissolve a feeling of “I am” in someone, so that this person can no longer define themselves and their position in the world without you telling them who they are and what they should do, then you have broken someone.
In my deep inner conviction we are always bound to the principle of safe, sane and consensual. Can breaking someone be consensual? We even might get into a discussion about that if you really stretch the limit of that word – but sane!? No fucking way!
BDSM is for me something to make each of the participants richer, stronger and more settled in who and what they are. If someone decides that they derive maximum pleasure from pleasing their Dom/me, fine – it is a gift gladly accepted. If they feel more secure in the knowledge there is someone they can lean on and someone they can orient their value system at – fine, as long as this is chosen by free will, just as I have seen it happen in non-BDSM relations too.
But if it results in a total loss of personal dignity (not during a limited scene, mind you – it can be thrilling in specific settings as a part of humiliation scening) and self-worth perspective even out of scene then I am having a serious case of breaking a spirit! Even more so if an experienced Dominant uses all the knowledge of physical and mental influence to push the submissive over that point.
If a Dom/me uses his/her powers to get a sub to exactly that point of self-neglect, making the sub a quivering wreck that only nurtures on the approval/disapproval of the Dominant then things are definitely being taken to far – way too far. Please All – realize that this is REAL, this is not some Gorean Fantasy book or the world of Sleeping Beauty! This is scarring/harming people for life in the worst of cases!
Again, if you don’t know me you may not jet have come across my rosebush-analogy. Never mind – it was written in my early days but still holds much of my conviction... in short: Consider a sub a rose bush and the Dom/me the gardener. A rose is a rose and will remain a rose. The gardener now tries to give it what it needs, water and warmth – and eventually something to hold on to, maybe he ties the rose into an intricate pattern so that it enhances the beauty of the blossoms and pleases him even more. But if the gardener tries too hard to make anything else from it but a rose or bends or cuts it down too much the rose will not bloom to the fullest, it even may die.
If you choose your sub why choose something you do not really want and try to forge it into something different?
If I want daisies instead of roses I can’t get anything but disappointed by the most splendid rose, and no matter what I do to it, it will never be what I seek. Will it be a daisy after I have broken the stem or ripped off the petals? NO!
We are not living in the dark barbaric times of ages past. Our “slaves” are so by free will – we need not force them into our service anymore. They are not seeking to get us killed for their own freedom, they do not refuse to serve us because they never had another choice and are rebelling.
We need not break spirits for our safety – and we should not break spirits for our “pleasure” – that is NOT BDSM, that is - to put it politely – disturbing!
We are in our times talking about a (mainly erotic based) relation of trust when we talk about dominance and submission. Our slaves/subs/lovers made a choice – a free, sane and consensual one, to be wearing our collar and chains in the first place. I for one intend to treasure that gift. I want my darling pet to grow, to develop – but not to change her personality, I love her for exactly that personality. I want her to fight me if she isn’t happy with what goes on – I do not want her to take all I dish out in a demure destructive way. BDSM is about fulfilling needs – of BOTH parties involved.
And even if we are not about love relations, don’t we choose our play partners for their personality, because they either complement us, or challenge us or whatever else we are seeking at the time? It is all about fun basically, about pleasure! And I simply enjoy it much more knowing there are the both of us having a good time (call me a Softie-Domme if you like). If my approach to BDSM is not for a particular sub then we shouldn’t be playing.
Well – if you made it till here I thank you for “listening” - you are now free to do with my opinion whatever you like (and be thankful I am running out of time right now since I could spill my poison on some topics for a long time). In case you wonder why I made a new thread of it - I simply couldn’t find one where to slip it in without it a) getting lost or b) disturbing the present dynamics of the thread.
And now to really piss you off all I said above in two sentences *weg* (you! – aren’t you a masochist subbie? Then stop complaining!)
a) “Welcome” to all who came to this corner to wet their toes on a subject they want to learn about – “watch your step” to all those who are seeking a “guide to abusive sexual behavior under the cover of BDSM”
b) BDSM is a delicate matter, physically and emotionally, and it has to be treated with respect and integrity if you want it to be a pleasant and fulfilling journey for all parties involved, following the rules of safe, sane and consensual
Let me say how wonderful I find this new little corner of Lit – and let me say how utterly amazed I am about the number of posts and hits in such a short time. It does show me that there is a huge interest in BDSM and related topics – or at least a basic curiosity as to what it is all about. GREAT! Really really wonderful and encouraging to see we can talk and maybe even are listened to as we try to take the prejudices and dust off our likes.
But … (oh didn’t you just wait for that “but”?
) … there have been a few posts scattered all over the place that made me feel like lifting some issues to an own thread.As stated in the title – one of them is
wannabes
I have read the term wannabes on some thread of the board and I read it used in the sense of “newbie” (not much better, I know). Let me clarify my understanding of wannabe in the BDSM context and I think it is clear we are talking two pairs of shoes here !
A wannabe – as the word indicates is someone who “wants to be” but isn’t what he/she pretends to be (yet).
There are different levels of being a “wannabe” - one is that you are new to something, so in the sense of the word you “want to be” a part of a group, sport, lifestyle .. whatever it is you are starting to wet your toes with. But strange enough this is not the kind of person/situation I link to being a “wannabe”. Because that kind of person will be part of whatever it is he/she wants to be part of in no time when a genuine interest is shown. And poof – before you know it you are becoming a new but integrated part of the new group. You may be a newbie *chuckles* but nobody will tell you you are a wannabe.
Now we have those who do NOT have a genuine interest in learning, understanding and integrating into the group they are sticking their feet in. They will remain on such a superficial level that they never will get over the “wanting to be” – stage. Those people – and let me now slide from general approach to the BDSM scene – are what I can not really tolerate very well, specially on the internet, where it is hard to distinguish at first between a nice front put up to deceive and the reality behind it. Specially in the BDSM environment I find that not only to be devious but dangerous. Specially when those however aquired semi-truths and notions are passed on as “knowledge” and experience, when there is no real interest in delving into the depth of all the different facets and sides of BDSM.
There is damage that can be done – there are people involved and feelings to be hurt – doing that under the cover of BDSM I take as a personal attack to something that I hold in high esteem and dear to my heart. There is no excuse whatsoever to show abusive (and I mean no “play-abusive” but the serious kind) behavioral patterns under the cover of being a Dom/me. People that use BDSM as a cover for a quick and careless lay, additionally to the mental damage to a trusting sub, maybe even causing physical pain (and in this case I mean pain and not sensation), those are the “wannabes” I am talking about. People who are simply craving pain but do not really feel like letting anyone else be in charge, people who do pretend to be submissive just to find a caring Dominant to dedicate time to them and their sexual pleasure but in reality just seek a little “extra kick” to get over some kind of boredom for a while or because they think it is “in” to be into BDSM, never exploring their real motivations, needs and desires but passing that on to someone else, those are wannabes in my book.
There is nothing wrong with needing sensation for pleasure – even without submitting – but then say so! There is nothing wrong with experimenting on the sub side – but let the other party know it is for the time being just that – an experiment! Do not (and here we have one of the downsides of the internet) pretend to be something you are not, be it Dominant or submissive!
There is no fault in being new to something and saying so openly to get assistance and guidance if wanted – or simply inspiration if needed. Everyone was new to most things at some stage and if we had let others drive us away from those interests by feeling intimidated by those with more experience we never would learn. So please, everyone out there being new to BDSM – you are NOT a “wannabe” in my book! Not as long as you crave to learn and grow and not only scratch the surface of things to then run off and pretend to be a “Master of your trade” after only the slightest glimpse of things!
So let me say again – someone honestly trying to learn or at least inform themselves may be NEW but is not a “wannabe” (read: pretender)! You are a novice Dom/me or a novice sub, but by taking the step to learn and inform yourself you are past wannabe-stage already and as valid a “member of the club” as are any of us and I invite you all in to learn, explore and share the discoveries of your journey.
That said – and hey, you are still reading it seems … let me swap to the topic of
“breaking a sub”
In case you are reading this and don’t know me – I am a Domme (mostly anyway), and a bisexual one as well. (Talk about options here *winks*)
My submissive is more than my pet (oh yes, she is that too but ...) she is my lover and my friend. She is a most precious jewel that I wear in my “crown” - she sparkles and shines from deep within her, has that special glow that I adore about her. Why am I telling you all this?
Because the moment I would “break” her all that would be gone. There is no sparkle in a shattered and chipped diamond!
Breaking a sub – doesn’t it sound horrible (I can kinda hear the bones crack as I imagine a broken spine)?
Well, for some this is seemingly a challenge, one of the “greater aims” of domination. Sorry, but for me those people have just read a few too many fantasy novels about the subject it seems!
Let me take a detour and try to explain my understanding of breaking someone.
If you have managed to instill fear (physical or emotional) to such an extend into a person so that he/she will do whatever you tell them, without wondering if it is good for them, then someone is broken.
If you have managed to dissolve a feeling of “I am” in someone, so that this person can no longer define themselves and their position in the world without you telling them who they are and what they should do, then you have broken someone.
In my deep inner conviction we are always bound to the principle of safe, sane and consensual. Can breaking someone be consensual? We even might get into a discussion about that if you really stretch the limit of that word – but sane!? No fucking way!
BDSM is for me something to make each of the participants richer, stronger and more settled in who and what they are. If someone decides that they derive maximum pleasure from pleasing their Dom/me, fine – it is a gift gladly accepted. If they feel more secure in the knowledge there is someone they can lean on and someone they can orient their value system at – fine, as long as this is chosen by free will, just as I have seen it happen in non-BDSM relations too.
But if it results in a total loss of personal dignity (not during a limited scene, mind you – it can be thrilling in specific settings as a part of humiliation scening) and self-worth perspective even out of scene then I am having a serious case of breaking a spirit! Even more so if an experienced Dominant uses all the knowledge of physical and mental influence to push the submissive over that point.
If a Dom/me uses his/her powers to get a sub to exactly that point of self-neglect, making the sub a quivering wreck that only nurtures on the approval/disapproval of the Dominant then things are definitely being taken to far – way too far. Please All – realize that this is REAL, this is not some Gorean Fantasy book or the world of Sleeping Beauty! This is scarring/harming people for life in the worst of cases!
Again, if you don’t know me you may not jet have come across my rosebush-analogy. Never mind – it was written in my early days but still holds much of my conviction... in short: Consider a sub a rose bush and the Dom/me the gardener. A rose is a rose and will remain a rose. The gardener now tries to give it what it needs, water and warmth – and eventually something to hold on to, maybe he ties the rose into an intricate pattern so that it enhances the beauty of the blossoms and pleases him even more. But if the gardener tries too hard to make anything else from it but a rose or bends or cuts it down too much the rose will not bloom to the fullest, it even may die.
If you choose your sub why choose something you do not really want and try to forge it into something different?
If I want daisies instead of roses I can’t get anything but disappointed by the most splendid rose, and no matter what I do to it, it will never be what I seek. Will it be a daisy after I have broken the stem or ripped off the petals? NO!
We are not living in the dark barbaric times of ages past. Our “slaves” are so by free will – we need not force them into our service anymore. They are not seeking to get us killed for their own freedom, they do not refuse to serve us because they never had another choice and are rebelling.
We need not break spirits for our safety – and we should not break spirits for our “pleasure” – that is NOT BDSM, that is - to put it politely – disturbing!
We are in our times talking about a (mainly erotic based) relation of trust when we talk about dominance and submission. Our slaves/subs/lovers made a choice – a free, sane and consensual one, to be wearing our collar and chains in the first place. I for one intend to treasure that gift. I want my darling pet to grow, to develop – but not to change her personality, I love her for exactly that personality. I want her to fight me if she isn’t happy with what goes on – I do not want her to take all I dish out in a demure destructive way. BDSM is about fulfilling needs – of BOTH parties involved.
And even if we are not about love relations, don’t we choose our play partners for their personality, because they either complement us, or challenge us or whatever else we are seeking at the time? It is all about fun basically, about pleasure! And I simply enjoy it much more knowing there are the both of us having a good time (call me a Softie-Domme if you like). If my approach to BDSM is not for a particular sub then we shouldn’t be playing.
Well – if you made it till here I thank you for “listening” - you are now free to do with my opinion whatever you like (and be thankful I am running out of time right now since I could spill my poison on some topics for a long time). In case you wonder why I made a new thread of it - I simply couldn’t find one where to slip it in without it a) getting lost or b) disturbing the present dynamics of the thread.
And now to really piss you off all I said above in two sentences *weg* (you! – aren’t you a masochist subbie? Then stop complaining!
)a) “Welcome” to all who came to this corner to wet their toes on a subject they want to learn about – “watch your step” to all those who are seeking a “guide to abusive sexual behavior under the cover of BDSM”
b) BDSM is a delicate matter, physically and emotionally, and it has to be treated with respect and integrity if you want it to be a pleasant and fulfilling journey for all parties involved, following the rules of safe, sane and consensual
