A totally incompatible Marriage : How to handle a Dead End Relationship

[Guest]

I was married to an NRI eight months ago.It was an arranged marriage...I was 28 yrs old when i got married.Becoz of the age pressure,i just said yes to the marriage.I had seen the boy twice and our marriage was finalized.....As such we did not get enough time to know each other at all before marriage...

Now the problem is that we r totally different personalities,with all together different interests living together.In short,we are just incompatible.I donot appreciate or respect him at all.......I dont like his habits,or even the way he talks.......I cant have an intellectual conversation with him....We cannot discuss anything,becoz we end up fighting....We have totally differnt views on everything....And apart from that i have to live with his parents who r so interfering.....i just feel like walking out of marriage and leave everything......But i am afraid to do that as i am not sure whether i shud take this step.....also, i am jobless at the moment,though well qualified......

I am really confused.Otherwise,my husband is a good person by heart,and loves me too probably.....I donot want to hurt him..But i cant think of spending my whole life with him....He is a mamma's son and cannot live without his parents......we donot have any children yet....My inlaws think that i am very good as i am really adjusting....But the fact is that i am compromising...Is there any need to adjust at the cost of my own happiness??Should i keep on compromising to get the title of the "Good obedient bahu"??Or should i stand up for my happiness??I donot want to stay with them,but my husband is not ready to listen on this topic at all.......Everybody thinks it's time now shud start my family and bear a child...But i cant think of that....

Is it worth living in an incompatible relationship for the whole life,just to keep my marriage going???I am almost 30 yrs old now....i am well settled in the eyes of society in india...

I wud like to stay single than remain in this marriage...Buti dont know,how will society in india treat me after that??Is it okay to remain single in india??I dont even know where will i live in india if i decide to seperate....Is it so essential for a girl to get married??I dont want to go back to my parents as they will never accept me.....Pls help...

 

[badbabysitter]

hello yayati

getting better, but still reeks of you

 

[Guest]

I WAS INTRODUCED TO THIS SITE BY A FRIEND.HOPE TO GET SOME GOOD OBJECTIVE ADVISE CAUSE I AM A TOTAL WRECK RIGHT NOW.

IWAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA AND MARRIED THERE AND LIVED IN INDIA IN A JOINT FAMILY SET UP FOR 6 YRS. WE MOVED TO NY 18 MONTHS AGO.MY MARRIAGE IS A MESS, THE GUY I MARRIED SEEMS TO HAVE DISAPPEARED AND I HAVE 2 KIDS - ONE IN SCHOOL AND THE OTHER AN INFANT.

SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED IN THE LAST 10 YEARS THAT I CANNOT RECOLLECT IT ALL HERE AND AM AT A LOSS FOR WORDS CAUSE THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I AM EVEN DISCUSSING THIS WITH ANYONE.SO BEAR WITH ME.

MY MARRIAGE WAS FIXED WHEN I WAS 15- I DID NOT EVEN GET IT BACK THEN. I WAS A DISTINCTION STUDENT AND VERY GOOD AT SPORTS TOO MY WHOLE LIFE REVOLVED AROUND FRIENDS AND MASTI. I CANNOT SAY THAT MY PARENTS DID NOT TELL ME BOUT THEIR PLANS FOR ME --IT DID NOT REGISTER AT THAT AGE.A COUPLE OF YEARS LATER WHEN I UNDERSTOOD THE WHOLE DEAL I TOLD MY DAD THAT THIS WAS NEVER GOING TO HAPPENAND I MET THE GUY FOR THE FIRST TIME AND TOLD HIM THAT I WAS REFUSING THI PROPOSAL AND AM SORRY FOR CAUSING HIM ANY TROUBLE AND THAT I WOULD TAKE THE ENTIRE BLAME.THE GUY TOLD ME THAT LETS BE FRIENDS ETC. AND WE STARTED TALKING AND HE WAS VERY NICE AND BASICALLY GAVE ME A LOT OF ATTN AND WE WENT THRU THE WHOLE DATING SCENE AND GOT MARRIED WHEN I TURNED 20.EVERYTHING WAS FINE FOR 2 YRS. WE HAD A BABY AND MY HUSBAND JOINED MY DAD'S BUSINESS AND THINGS WERE OK FOR SOME TIME. THEN ABOUT 5 YEARS AGO THE BUSINESS CRASHED AND MOST OF MY DADS MONEY /ASSETS WERE LOST AND I PITCHED IN AND GAVE EVERYTHING BACK TO MY DAD THAT HE HAD GIVEN ME AT MY WEDDING.

THEN STARTED THE TROUBLE WITH MY HUSBAND AND HIS FAMILY- SUDDENLY MY DAD ON WHOSE TUNE THEY WOULD ALL DANCE BECAME A BAD AND TERRIBLE MAN. MY MOTHER A MANIPULATOR AND FINALLY ME-- I BECAME THE WITCH THAT WAS HARASSING AND NAGGING ETC.I WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH ANYMORE.

I AM PROBABLY NOT MAKING MUCH SENSE THE WHOLE THING IS THAT MY HUSBAND NOW SAYS THAT OUR MARRIAGE WAS A BIG MISTAKE AND THAT MY FAMILY RUINED HIS LIFE AND THAT I NAG HIM .HE IS READY FOR A SEPARATION AND SO AM I.THERE IS A LOT OF CONFLICT BETWEEN US AND I HAVE NO CLUE HOW TO RESOLVE IT. WE HAVE GROWN APART AND THERE IS A LOT OF ANGER IN BOTH OF CAUSE BOTH FEEL USED AND TODAY AS HE IS IN A FINANCIALLY STABLE POSITION HE HAS BECOME VERY ARROGANT AND OPENLY SAYS THAT HIS BROTHERS AND HIS PARENTS ARE HIS FIRST PRIORITY.ITS A HORRIBLE SITUATION- HE IS BASICALLY A GOOD MAN BUT I AM PROBABLY THE WRONG PERSON FOR HIM.
I DON'T WANT TO USE MY KIDS AS AN EXCUSE TO CONTINUE A DEAD MARRIAGE AND HIDE BEHIND THAT BLANKET.
I WANT TO LET GO BUT AM VERY VERY AFRAID CAUSE I HAVE NOT BEEN ALONE FOR AGES NOW- I HAVE BEEN LONELY IN THE CROWD FOR 5 YRS BUT NEVER ALONE.
WHAT HAS HAPPENED BETWEEN MY HUSBAND AND ME IS A VERY COMPLEX THING AND I THINK MONEY WAS AND IS THE ROOT OF ALL THE PROBLEMS-- I WAS A RICH LADY ONE DAY AND THEN I GAVE IT ALL AWAY AND MY BACKGROUND THATS MY PARENT'S CONSIDERABLE ASSETS DISAPPEARED SO I GUESS I HAVE BECOME A LIABILITY AND AN INCOMPATIBLE ONE AT THAT.

ALL I WANT NOW IS TO LIVE LIFE WITHOUT FEAR OF DISAPPROVAL ETC. AND PROVIDE A STABLE AND SECURE ENVIRONMENT FOR MY KIDS TO GROW IN.I WANT OUT AND SO DOES HE AND WE WILL BE WORKING TOWARDS IT. I AM GIVING IT 3MONTHS AND THEN WILL GO IN FOR A SEPARATION FOR A YEAR AND THEN DO A REVIEW AND SEE HOW WE FEEL BOUT EACH OTHER.

 

[badbabysitter]

yayati, using cap locks doesnt make you any less transparent

 

[SweetCherry]

Ya know, I always believed that if someone talked to themselves and answeder, it was a sign of being crazy. Seeing yayati doing this has convinced me I'm right.