A theory to ponder...

[LC Rough Caress]

Being involved in a D/s relationship takes a great deal of trust, and, on the part of the Dom, it also takes a great deal of control. Control over one's self that is. The Dom must be very careful that he dosen't push his sub too far in a session and especially in training.

So, my question to you is this. Do you believe that someone seeking to be a Dom should first become a sub for a short period of time, for the purpose of understanding what a sub must endure for their Dom?

 

[HzDomme]

So, my question to you is this. Do you believe that someone seeking to be a Dom should first become a sub for a short period of time, for the purpose of understanding what a sub must endure for their Dom?

Personally I have no clue how a Domme/Dom could "become a sub for a short period of time" unless they were a switch.
I have no desire to do so. I would not enjoy it so I could not fully understand what he loves about it.
We discuss those things.
Maybe that means I can't fully experience what he is feeling but, to put it simply; all I really need to know is what his reaction is to my actions.

 

[lost]

Re: Re: A theory to ponder...

Personally I have no clue how a Domme/Dom could "become a sub for a short period of time" unless they were a switch.
I have no desire to do so. I would not enjoy it so I could not fully understand what he loves about it.
We discuss those things.
Maybe that means I can't fully experience what he is feeling but, to put it simply; all I really need to know is what his reaction is to my actions.

That is how some Dom's have been trained.

 

[Michael42]

Re: Re: A theory to ponder...

Personally I have no clue how a Domme/Dom could "become a sub for a short period of time" unless they were a switch.
I have no desire to do so. I would not enjoy it so I could not fully understand what he loves about it.
We discuss those things.
Maybe that means I can't fully experience what he is feeling but, to put it simply; all I really need to know is what his reaction is to my actions.

"...all I really need to know.."----I think that's the core of the the experience for me. The enjoyment is in the synergy of the exchange. The roles are not as important to me as the whole.

 

[H piltdown]

Many people have begun as submissive, later becomming 100% Dominant, but I wouldn't think this necessary. Most people are simply what they are. However, I will say that it is much more difficult to become an accomplished Dom, and an experience on the other side couldn't hurt.

 

[Ricckk]

So, my question to you is this. Do you believe that someone seeking to be a Dom should first become a sub for a short period of time, for the purpose of understanding what a sub must endure for their Dom?

I would certainly agree that being a good dominant requires self-control and I would add that in many cases, it is the dominant that requires "training".

However, many of us, myself included, would make an exceedingly crummy submissive. It would not be a pretty picture. I can hear my submissive giggling at the prospect now.

 

[WriterDom]

Should a het guy go gay for a while to get in touch of his sensitive side to better understand women?

I'm sure there is some value in subbing, and I don't put down anyone who chooses that path. I would find it very distasteful. I have been trained to follow orders and say "Yes Sir" and "No Ma'am." I don't think I need that type of training within a relationship. I do try to get a feeling for how all my toys feel on me, but really, how realistic is that with the differences between male and female skin, plus the fact that I find no pleasure in pain myself.

When this world was reveiled to me I did have a few switching fantasies and even agreed to switch once. Her turn at Domme lasted a few minutes until she asked me to lick my cum off her face. For me, it's a very big turn off to be told what to do.

 

[justgem]

.

 

[DixieDom]

Different Strokes for-----

I think this is one of those things (so many of them in the D/s world) where what works for some doesn't work for others. I considered being submissive to acquire the experience, but those who know me now find it laughable that I could ever have been submissive. I think it's a lot like being a football coach- some of the most successful coaches ever never played the game, and many others were lousy players.

 

[MissTaken]

For some, having been submissive in the beginning is part of who they are.

I do not think a Dom/me can or should step into a submissive's shoes to understand or learn self control. Self control is based on self discipline, information and communication between the sub and Dom/me.

If , for example, WD were to play sub for a day, he would hate it, not see the value in it and have no idea what a sub experiences in her joy of her role.

Again, some started as subs and are now Dom/mes and that works for them.

Just my two cents though.......

 

[Ebonyfire]

[B Do you believe that someone seeking to be a Dom should first become a sub for a short period of time, for the purpose of understanding what a sub must endure for their Dom? [/B]

There are many paths to being a dominant.

But as for what is necessary?

1) The need to dominate.

2) And the desire to learn how to do it right.

What is "right"? Acquiring the tools and the knowledge to be worthy of a submissive.

Ebony

 

[Cirrus]

Some Dom/mes this has worked for, others learned by doing. I agree, there is no "right". If I were not a sub, but rather a new dominant looking to learn, I would spend time with subs, talking to them, getting to understand them, but without dominating them. That way, there's no major risk of going too far or making a mistake, since all you're really doing is talking.

This has worked for me in other instances, where I had little information or the wrong idea about a group until I spent time with them learning what or who they are and why they're into what they're into.

 

[zipman]

Re: Re: A theory to ponder...

There are many paths to being a dominant.

But as for what is necessary?

1) The need to dominate.

2) And the desire to learn how to do it right.

What is "right"? Acquiring the tools and the knowledge to be worthy of a submissive.

Ebony

I agree wholeheartedly. I do not feel a Dom/me has to sub first, unless they choose to.

When I first started, there wasn't anywhere near the kind of literature that is available today. I had no mentor and no way of learning other than by trial and error. New Dom/mes today are much luckier that there is a wealth of information at their disposal. That kind of knowledge would have greatly benefited me in the past.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Some Dom/mes this has worked for, others learned by doing. I agree, there is no "right". If I were not a sub, but rather a new dominant looking to learn, I would spend time with subs, talking to them, getting to understand them, but without dominating them. That way, there's no major risk of going too far or making a mistake, since all you're really doing is talking.

This has worked for me in other instances, where I had little information or the wrong idea about a group until I spent time with them learning what or who they are and why they're into what they're into.

That is an excellent idea.

But if you really do not know what flavor you are, hooking up with a BDSM group, starting with attending munches, is helpful because if you get invited to the play parties, you can watch them play, and you can get a sense of how things evolve.

Eb

 

[lark sparrow]

If the person feels this would be valuable to them, there's nothing wrong with going this route. There is a school of thought that actually encourages it.

I would venture to guess that quite a few people upon first becoming familiar with BDSM start out by declaring themselves submissives, as a way to learn - starting at the bottom. I don't think this is really "training as a Dom/me" though. It may be where one discovers they are not cut out for the submissive role and are truly more Dominant or even that they are not that interested in BDSM beyond fanatasy and role playing. And of course we can't forget switches, people who can move back and forth between the roles convincingly as a true recognition of themselves.

To turn it around... I tried Topping (as someone who identifies as submissive), as I can have a bit of a sadistic and/or controlling streak, and I enjoyed it. But it was obvious to me that the joy and commitment a Dominant (or even a "true" switch) would find was missing. I could take it or leave it, and had absolutely no desire for long term control. There was a way I simply did not connect with my partner in that position. Personally, I couldn't tell you why a Dominant revels in that kind of "work" 24/7 in a commited relationship. Submission gets to the all those intimate places in me - that's where commitment and depth is found for me.

 

[RisiaSkye]

One does not "graduate" from bottom to Top, which is the implication behind the idea that you must start on the bottom to learn to be an effective Top.

One has experiences and learns from them, until eventually one finds their "natural" role--the one that suits them best.

 

[rosco rathbone]

That's a thing from the gay leather scene, I hear. I have no interest in being on the bottom, in fact the very idea give me the willies.

 

[Grvdigger]

I think the point the E/everyone has agreed upon is that there is no one way to do it. Each person has to judge for themselves what is right for them. But I do think that education is the key. So many just want to jump right into the fun with out finding out the meaning behind things or the correct way to do it. Whether it is by subbing or by being mentored, education is the key. To not educate oneself is just irresponsable.

 

[Ricckk]

Re: Re: A theory to ponder...

There are many paths to being a dominant. What is "right"? Acquiring the tools and the knowledge to be worthy of a submissive.

Ebony

Wow, I love that, Ebony!

 

[NemoAlia]

I've heard of couples switching roles (although neither of them consider themselves switches) in order to better understand the headspace, responsibilities, difficulties, and perks involved. I'm never sure whether I believe that this switching is really helpful -- or even possible -- in practicality. However, it does seem neat in an idealized, "Freaky Friday" sort of way. Understanding your partner's position makes for a healthy kind of empathy.

 

[Cirrus]

I should mention that I Topped once, with my ex, at his request. It was fun, but that was about all it was..****. I wasn't really turned on by the experience, and at some points found it a little ludicris, my Dom felt the same way. Still, it was fun to try and no damage was done, but it's not something I would repeat. I don't think you can really get into the "opposite" role unless you are a switch, or discover what you thought you were really isn't what you are.

 

[quietwillow]

Being involved in a D/s relationship takes a great deal of trust, and, on the part of the Dom, it also takes a great deal of control. Control over one's self that is. The Dom must be very careful that he dosen't push his sub too far in a session and especially in training.

So, my question to you is this. Do you believe that someone seeking to be a Dom should first become a sub for a short period of time, for the purpose of understanding what a sub must endure for their Dom?

I do not think a Dom "should" become a sub just to experience that side but I understand lots of folks in the lifestyle start out as subs and end up being Dom/mes. To each His/Her own path though.

quiet

 

[Richard49]

Being involved in a D/s relationship takes a great deal of trust, and, on the part of the Dom, it also takes a great deal of control. Control over one's self that is. The Dom must be very careful that he dosen't push his sub too far in a session and especially in training.

So, my question to you is this. Do you believe that someone seeking to be a Dom should first become a sub for a short period of time, for the purpose of understanding what a sub must endure for their Dom?

I did
and think everyone should

 

[Richard49]

After reading others post I thought/think I need to clarify

When I came into the lifestyle many many years ago
(right after God created women)

If one thought they wanted to be a Dom they became someones Sub for a year. During that year they were treated and trained as if they were a sub.

I walked away very sure I was a Dom and knowing what different things/scenes/words etc. felt like/what kind of responds they might generate.

I hated that year
However I would not trade it for the world

 

[Ishmael]

After reading others post I thought/think I need to clarify

When I came into the lifestyle many many years ago
(right after God created women)

If one thought they wanted to be a Dom they became someones Sub for a year. During that year they were treated and trained as if they were a sub.

I walked away very sure I was a Dom and knowing what different things/scenes/words etc. felt like/what kind of responds they might generate.

I hated that year
However I would not trade it for the world

Good post Richard.

I couldn't do it myself. You can't change the stripes on a tiger. I can intellectually see the merit. But like Richard mentioned, I would hate it.

I think that there is an option here for the young, or for those that aren't quite sure what their role is (also usually the young).

The training may provide insights to techniques, words, etc. but as pointed out previously, it's based on character. And character is derived and developed from a totality of who you are. Not from technical skills.

Sitting at the knee of an experienced and respected Dom(es) can be just as enlightening. Ask questions, listen carefully.

Ishmael