A Second Chance

[Poganin]

Daniel

She didn't like to bare herself, huh? Daniel pondered. So what were those short she'd been wearing today, the ones that showed her long legs and hugged her hips? The mention of a bathing suit again set his imagination to the highest gear and he barely registered Melissa's next question.

"Boxers or briefs!?"

At first he didn't actually know what she was asking him about and when he finally understood, he became embarrassed again. Why did she need to know that!? He couldn't back out of this, though. This was a game of dare as much as a serious inquiry, although Daniel suspected she was also teasing him.

"I really have no set preference," he muttered trying not to blush. "When it's hot any additional draft is welcome so I go for boxers but in winter it's good to keep... it warm, so I tend to wear briefs."

He sighed, having said that. He neither felt better, nor worse. Just embarrassed about being asked such a question directly.

"My turn, huh?" he tapped his chin and then his gloomy features lit up in a mischevious smile. "When we all got together once, when it was mom's birthday, Michael let slip that you had been sleeping with a teddy bear until 19. Was that true?"

 

[Guest]

Now it was Mel's turn to blush slightly and she crossed her arms over her chest, pretending to take a defensive pose. "And so what of it? A girl has the right to sleep with a teddy bear if she wants to!" She tried to look serious, but her lips twitched and finally she rolled her eyes, "Yes! I did and it was most humiliating that he let it 'slip'. I know he was chomping at the bit to tell someone - I just wish it hadn't been at her birthday party!"

She laughed at the memory and hugging her pillow close again. "OK...you're turn...mmmm..." She racked her mind for anything that Michael may have told her to help que her next question, but it wasn't coming to her. "I was always horrible at asking questions." She giggled, "OK, how about this...what is the silliest thing you've ever done or most embarrassing thing?"

 

[Poganin]

Daniel

Daniel thought that the most embarrassing thins was probably being saked about his underwear preferences but it wouldn't count, he thought. Silly or embarrassing, hmmm.

"Um, that one is easy," Daniel let his head drop in shame. "I got drunk during the college graduation party and completely lost it... Blacked out. And then on the following day... when I heard people comment on the party on the whole I had to listen to stories about my antics... They said that I was... trying to hit it on with every girl present... Aaah, I don't even want to recall that!"

This time Daniel didn't even try to his his embarrassment, a deep flush came up on his cheeks and he felt his face burn furiously.

"Now you. Ever worn braces?"

 

[Guest]

She was mildly surprised that Daniel would have lost control like that, but then again...it did happen to the best of them. "That must have been horrible...oh well...it happens. Probably why I don't really drink, I'd be horrified of getting drunk and doing something silly."

"Mmm...braces, nope. Never had a real problem with my teeth. You?" She asked, trying to change the subject. She could tell by his blush that he wasn't used to opening up and talking about different things.

 

[Poganin]

Daniel

"No, neither," Daniel shook his head. "Say what you will but I was always of good health. Never a flu or angina, nothing. And my teeth grew properly as well. And in the right time too," he joked.

His mind was empty, Dan had no idea what to ask Mel next. He was no good at asking questions which usually pinned him the lable of a person completely disinterested in others or anything. He was always content with what he had heard and didn't like asking questions or pry.

"Mel, um, you don't have to answer this one if you feel uncomfortable, ok? Have you and Mike ever discussed having children?"

He watched expectantly, hoping he hadn't just stepped over some boundary.

 

[Guest]

Mel seemed to sober up instantly, but didn't seem angry or upset. She took a moment to think about it and finally nodded, a small sad smile played on her lips. "Yes...we actually planned on havings kids right at the beginning of our marriage...but..." She paused, trying to think of if she should share this bit of imformation. Of course - what could it hurt? "Michael was steril. It was shock to both of us...we had tried for 2 years to get pregnant and didn't get anywhere. So we saw some doctors and that was the result."

She leaned back, snuggling into the touch. "It was a hard blow to his ego at first and then he got depressed thinking that we would never have children. We talked about adoption, since that was our only other option, but that takes years and lots of work. So...we decided to wait a bit longer and see how we felt. I guess it's good that we did...not knowing that this would happen..."

She glanced at one of Michael's pictures and felt that familiar tightness in her chest. She did long for kids...had dreamed about holding her own baby ever since they had talked about it. "Well...now I don't know what is in store for me."

Clearing her throat, she smiled softly, "What about you? Do you want kids?"

 

[Poganin]

Daniel

Daniel was shocked to hear about Mike's sterility from Mel! His brother had never told him about this and Dan and Michael were close as best friends and brothers at the same time. And yet he had never told him this. Was this such a terrible blow to his masculinity and ego? Come on, Mike had been one of the few people Dan knew who had steel nerves. But this? He was a little saddened that his brother hadn't told him.

The situation sucked, if Michael had been able to conceive a child with Melissa now she would have someone to remind her of him, a boy or girl to remember him by. If they had adopted, that child would never have been like a real baby to her. It was a very sad and touching situation and Dan felt sorry for asking.

"Well...now I don't know what is in store for me," Melissa said sadly.

Daniel didn't really know how to reassure her that thing will turn out just fine. He knew he actually couldn't say anything that would make it all right.

"What about you? Do you want kids?"

"Hmmm, I don't know, really. Never gave much thought to this not having a girlfriend to talk about this with. I can hardly remember things when Lance was born... But to have my own kids. Would be cool I guess. I remember Matt, one of the dudes I befriended during the service, showing us all a photo of his two sons when they were born and I must admit a felt some envy about this. I saw how proud be he was of his wife and himself. Hmmm, I think I would want to see how it feels to be a father and see the kids grow up and all..." he mused.

"My turn, huh?" he asked with a weak smile. "Lemme think. Ummm, oh I know! Do you like Casablanca?" he exclaimed.

 

[Guest]

Feeling a bit lighter again, she smiled at his excitement over possing such a question and felt herself blushing again. "Um...actually..." She reached up, twirling a chunk of hair around a finger and tugging slightly, "I must be the only person that I know that hasn't seen the movie." She admitted sheepishly and grinned at his shocked look.

"I know! I know! Michael was going to make me watch it one night and well, we just never go around to it." In truth, Mel had teased and tormented him until he carried her off the bed and had his way with her, laughing and giggling together as they rolled around on the bed. The memory made her heart ache again...no more fun nights together. No more talking to all hours or snuggling deep in the blankets. No morning kisses or teasing glances and touches.

So perhaps it was a bit soon to be playing 27 questions...or perhaps it wasn't. It was good to let it all out, but this time she felt herself blinking back tears.

 

[Poganin]

Daniel

From the way Melissa's eyes became all shiny and how she blinked Daniel realised he must have asked about a delicate matter or plucked a sensitive string. How could asking an innocent question about a movie hurt someone? Casablanca had always been his and Michael's favourite movie, they had spent countless hours discussing it, learning dialogue parts by heart, replaying them and even trying to record their own amateur version. A video with bits and pieces of it should still be somewhere in the house, he guessed.

Melissa just said that she'd never seen it. Daniel thought that maybe the movie reminded her of her dead husband in some way. He cursed himself for his insensitivity... but on the other hand it wasn't his fault. Anything he asked about could possibly remind her of the smallest of moments shared with Michael.

Sure, the movie alone spoke of millions of issues related to Mike, but Daniel preferred to recall those good and bad moments he could remember when his bro was still alive over mourning him endlessly. It's not like his heart was made of stone, he simply reasoned that no matter how much he wept things wouldn't change and an occasional pang of sorrow in his soul was reminding him that he was still alive. If he almost stopped living like Melissa practically had he would be as good as dead. He had to carry on living, remembering Michael and treasuring his memory.

Danny looked at Mel remorsefully. He wished he hadn't asked that question but there was no reversing this situation. Lightly touching her elbow Dan apologised.

"I'm sorry, Mel, I didn't know it was a delicate topic. Look, I'll go and make us some tea, ok?"

Not waiting for her answer Daniel moved to the kitchen where he put the kettle on. If Mel wanted to weep right now maybe she didn't want him to see it. Best give her privacy.

 

[Guest]

Mel took a deep cleansing breath and shuddered, trying to take a hold of herself. There was no use in weeping, but it was hard to control the feeling of total loss. The fear and uncertainty of the future. Would she ever love again? Could she? Even her attraction to Daniel was scary and strange to her.

With a soft sigh, she waited for him to return, having blinked back most her tears and wiped the others away by the time he returned.

She smiled up at him, trying to lighten her mood again. "I'm sorry, Daniel...I don't mean to be this way, it's just sometimes it hits me hard and I don't know how to control the rush. Then other times I just feel scared to death."

She took the tea he handed her with another sigh and placed it on the table next to her. "Thanx. You'll just have to ignore these little episodes...you know, us girls and tears." She tried to joke, but her smile was a little watery.

 

[Poganin]

Daniel

Making tea Daniel tried to think of some neutral topic he would bring up when he returned to the living room. He put the glasses and sugar on a tray and carried them back to Mel who seemed to have overcome her emotions. Silently he handed her the cup and taking his own sat in his place.

"Thanx. You'll just have to ignore these little episodes...you know, us girls and tears."

He smiled a little as well, seeing her force a weak smile, and put some sugar in his glass. Swirling in around with a spoon he sighed.

"I know, Mel, I understand all too well. It's just that tears are not the only way to honour his memory, you know?"

 

[Guest]

She felt a sudden pang of anger at his statement. How dare he?! Her mind flashed, but she quickly swallowed it back. He was trying to help and he had a point, she had to admit. With a soft sigh, she nodded and took a sip of her tea before settled back down.

"I'm sorry." She apologized again, "I know...tears aren't the only way...it just hurts a lot still...not as much, I must admit. Since you've been here and this has happened, things have been easier to handle. Now and then though, it still gets to me." She felt a little awkward now...vulnerable. Did Daniel think she was being a baby about things? Was it not normal for her to feel this way? She wondered and suddenly felt the burning need to just be held and told everything was fine and she was OK. Instead she hugged her pillow close and propped her chin against it.

"I wish I could be more like you...stronger."

 

[Poganin]

Daniel

"I don't think you can call me stronger in this sense. I'm as much crushed by this loss as you are. I just... cope differently, is all. I had my own time of denial, disbelief and desperate grieving... but I guess I moved on. I know he would have wanted that."

Daniel smiled into his glass and shot a sideways glance at Melissa. She was hugging her pillow and looking at some point on the floor. But her eyes weren't focused and it seemed as if she were actually looking somewhere beyond, probaby not even registering his words. He reached to her and touched her hand lightly.

"You will move on too, you'll see..."

 

[Guest]

Only she was listening and was mildly surprised when he touched her hand. In return, she grasped his and gave it a gently squeeze, "Thank you Daniel." She sighed and took another sip of tea and returned it again to the side table. Finally she looked at him, her eyes a little wide, very vulnerable. "Could I ask you a favor?"

He seemed to hesistate a split second, but nodded and waited. She chewed on her bottom lip, "Would you just hold me a bit...you know, nothing weird or freaky, just I guess, cuddle me?"

 

[Poganin]

Daniel

Daniel began feeling a little insecure when Mel grasped and squeezed his hand. He remained in this slightly uncomfortable position with his torso twisted and his arms crossed: his left palm touching Melissa who was sitting on his right and in his right the tea.

"Could I ask you a favor?" she asked and Daniel thought that she looked so fragile right now she was about to break, just like on the first day when he had just arrived.

Not really knowing what to do right now: put the glass away or somehow untangle his arms; instead he just nodded carefully, looking in Mel's eyes, unsure what she might be wanting from him.

"Would you just hold me a bit...you know, nothing weird or freaky, just I guess, cuddle me?"

The tea almost fell from his hand. The last time he had held a woman was in his early college days. And now this... He wasn't really sure what to do and it seemed as if his body stopped listening to him. He had to do something quick though or she might think he's having some second thoughts.

"Uh... yeah... sure" he stammered, reddening and put the glass on the table.

Twisting his body he moved closer to Melissa and clumsily wound his right arm around her shoulders, delicately pulling her closer and embracing her. He felt terribly awkward in this situation and awfully self-conscious but he could suffer those feelings for a while if it meant comforting Mel.

 

[Guest]

If Mel sensed his discomfort she didn't say. Instead she sighed softly and snuggled even closer. In their position, she was able to lay her head against his chest, listening to his heart beat and wound an arm around his waist, giving him a little squeeze.

She closed her eyes and enjoyed the warmth of his body eat against her. His heart beat seemed to pick up under her ear and she figured he was probably a little nervous, but right now this is just what she needed and wanted. She had always been a bit physical...needing physical comfort just as much as emotional.

Soft and pliant, she let herself sink into Daniel, enjoying the moment...

 

[Poganin]

Daniel

Daniel was just sitting there, his arms around Melissa's slim frame, olding her gently, letting her rest against his chest and hug him back. A torrent of contradicting and very confusing thoughts and feelings flew through his mind. He wasn't very sure of what happening right now but he decided not to think about this, some things we better left unanswered. Danny understood her need to be close to someone, for someone to comfort her and ease her pain.

He felt emotion gripping his throat. Compassion for Melissa, Michael's beautiful wife who had been crying her eyes out ever since he had died leaving her alone. He too wished that Mike hadn't died. Daniel felt Mel's pain in the way she was clinging to him, not just holding him but gripping his shirt where her hand was resting.

He tried fighting this sad feeling welling up inside him and clouding his vision but it was to strong even for him. A sob shook his whole body and Melissa tried moving away from him to see what was happening but he pulled her back towards him and cradled his face between her nack and shoulder not to show his tears.

 

[Guest]

Mel was shocked by the sudden change in Daniel. He went from stiff and a worried looking, holding her awkwardly, to clutching her close, a sob racking his frame. She tried to see what was wrong, but he held her close and buried his face against her neck. Instead of fighting it, she pulled him closer, somehow ending up almost on his lap, clutching close, feeling his pain mingled with hers. She sniffled, silent tears slipping down her soft cheeks.

He shuddered and she clung back, holding him, feeling his wet tears against her skin. "Shhhhh..." She soothed, running fingers through his short cropped hair. The silky texture tickling her palm, "We'll be alright..." She murmured, soothing, caressing, holding on. It felt good to let go and know that someone also cared as much about her dead husband as she did. To share the pain and grief. Something inside her switched...cracked and let go. Michael was gone, but there would always be another day to live until it was her time. Until then, she had to live, be happy and make a life for herself again.

 

[Poganin]

Daniel

Daniel tried hard to control himself but the sadness, grief and compassion once let go of rushed like a deluge, completely overtaking him, shaking his body and softening his heart, making tears flow freely. He was supposed to be taking care of Melissa but it seemed that at this very moment she was taking care of him, stroking his hair and gently calming him down. Now he was holding on to her for comfort as much as she had just a moment ago. It was really hard on him, having lost it like this. He was ashamed and embarrassed that she witnessed his breakdown.

Slowly Dan regained his composure, but not without Melissa's gentle help. He sighed and sniffed and giving her one final hug he let go of Mel and straightened his back. She slipped from his embrace gracefully and eyes him cautiously with a compassionate look in her eyes. Danny wiped his face from tears and tried to smile but it loked more like a sneer.

"I'm sorry, Mel... I... I don't know what's overcome me... Sorry."

Putting her hand on his shoulder Melissa answered, "It's okay, really."

"Guess I'm not as strong as you think me to be."

 

[Guest]

She gave him a sweet smile and gently squeezed his shoulder, "Actually, I'm sort of happy that you broke down...makes me feel better that you let go Daniel. Everyone did and you were the only one that didn't. You seemed to shut off and that wasn't good. True...I may have blubbered and cried my way through life for the past months...I didn't want to face the fact that my husband was gone. But I was letting go in my own way. It's good to cry now and then...it's not a sign of weakness...although mine perhaps was a bit." She sighed softly and got up, "I'm going to go and make us some coffee - something a bit stronger. hmmm? Stay right there...don't go running off on me."

She smiled again and turned, leaving and wiping her own eyes at the same time. In the kitchen she found her best flavored coffee...a right hazlenut flavor and began preparing it.

 

[Poganin]

Daniel

As Melissa left him Daniel was choked again by a powerful sob that bent him in two but this time he managed to control himself and not fall back into the grieving fit of sobbing. He reached for a tissue and sniffing wiped his eyes and face. He didn't want to get up, didn't want to see himself in the mirror now: eyes red and clear, face flushed and contorted by sadness. He massaged his cheeks, trying hard to regain his cool and control himself.

He looked through the window at the trees and houses on the opposite side of the street. His thoughts revolved aroung his dead brother. Did he forsee that Daniel would be hit so hard too, with a delayed blast though? And that if he were to suffer alone he would break down completely? It was obvious that Melissa would be his the hardest as their love and bonds that connected them were incredibly strong. Daniel wished he could see them grow old together: Mike and Mel. They had been such a great pair. Dan sighed, Michael always knew what he wanted and what he was doing, so he must have had a point in asking Danny what he had asked for. He must have known that Daniel would comply and could have predicted the state Mel would be in.

He shook his head. It was too hard, trying to understand all this. Daniel sniffed for one last time and blew his nose. He simply will have to take it day by day.

 

[Guest]

Mel returned with two great steaming cups of coffee and a few pastries for good measure. She placed the tray on the coffee table and scooted it close, then sat next to Daniel. "Hope this is OK." She said and looked at him. He looked like he was really struggling with his emotions and probably looked as bad, if not worse than herself right now. Both their eyes were red rimmed, noses and cheeks flushed.

Carefully she took his hand in hers and gave it a squeeze, linking their fingers together in an intimate gesture that was foriegn to both of them. Daniel stared down at their hands as she spoke, keeping her voice soft and steady. "I'm sure that Mike wanted both of us to be happy...help each other out. So here we are...both hurting and not quite sure how to handle it, but I think we've made a good start."

 

[Poganin]

Daniel

Daniel was looking down at their hands, feeling strange and awkward holding a woman's hand, even as innocently as that, just for comfort and reassurance. Up till now they had been separated by an impenetrable wall, at least he felt like that. By acknowledging his pain and torment somehow he had made a step over or around that wall and established a new link with Melissa. Not only were they linked with vague family ties now but also they shared a terrible loss and found some help in each other's presence to try and cope and come to terms with it in a way.

He sipped his coffee, hoping that Mel's gentle presence and soothing voice wouldn't throw him into another fit of weeping but it seemed he would be able to control himself. He smiled at her sadly and raised and lowered their locked hands.

"It... was some kind of start," Daniel said with a sigh. "Thank you, Melissa. I guess... I guess I needed that."

 

[Guest]

She smiled again and let go of his hand, taking her cup of coffee and drinking carefully. "Well, how about we do something that doesn't require talking? Hmmm...perhaps a movie and popcorn like the other night or reading while listening to music...something quiet and relaxing?"

She asked, taking a danish and nibbling on it while she turned her body to face him. Sitting indian style on the couch next to him, she had the biggest urge to reach out and trail her fingers through his hair again. It had felt so soft before, crisp and clean under her fingers. She itched to thread her fingers through it again, but instead took another long sip of coffee and waited on him to make up his mind.

 

[Poganin]

Daniel

Sipping his coffee Daniel looked at Mel, considering her offer. It seemed nice enough to be able to just sit and forget the pain for a while, concentrate on somthing else and let the mind and emotions to rest. He smiled a bit and nodded.

"That's fine I guess. But you choose the movie this time. I don't want you to fall asleep halfway through. I hate to watch a movie alone. I'll do some popcorn in the meantime, ok?"

With a heavy sigh from the bottom of his soul Danny got up and shuffling his feet moved to the kitchen to prepare some popcorn. It was hard on him, realising how much indeed he was crushed by the loss of Mike. He thought he'd dealt with this already but the breakdown he suffered shocked him. This matter clearly wasn't past him still. Saddened he shook his head.

In a while the popcorn was ready and with a huge bowl in his hands he returned to the couch setting it between them as he had the other time.