A rant

[freakygirl]

I have a 6 year old daughter who's father doesn't have time for her. Let me rephrase that. He makes no attempt to make time for her, except for his required weekend visits (every other weekend).

My daughter has worked hard this last month in a cheerleading camp that the High School Cheerleaders here in town teach.

Tonight at 7pm they are doing the "half time" show of one of the Junior High basketball games. I called her father last week and told him about it. I emailed him yesterday to remind him (because he had asked me to). He called tonight at 6pm and tells me to tell Kimber that he won't be able to make it because he needed to eat dinner.

She is heartbroken. She wants one of her dads there. She calls my husband daddy also (he has been there since she was less than a year old). But he can't make it because of work. Her "biological" father can't make it because of food? Does this sound as fucked up to anyone else, as it does to me?

So I guess besides this post being a rant.. I have a question for all parents who don't have physical custody of their children.

Do you make time for your kids (if possible)? Even if it means you eating dinner late? getting to bed a little later at night? having to miss a favorite tv show? (these are all excuses he uses not to go to any of her activities)

She was in soccer last fall.. all weekend and evening games.. he made it to NONE of them. School concerts or plays.. didn't make it.. because of one of the above excuses.

This man lives 20 miles away.. it's not like it's a long drive.


I don't have custody of three of my children. I go to every game possible. I feel it's important to be there for them. I know it's hard to get to everything..to be apart of it all, but I make every attempt I can.

 

[Wiggles]

Those are all shitty exscuses, in my opinion.

I could understand doctors appt's, and things of that nature, but really, it sounds like he's not trying.

They only grow up once, why would you miss all that important stuff for a t.v. dinner or the new E.R.?

(I don't have children, so maybe I'm a little biased?)

 

[Elizabeth]

Freaky, I know how you're feeling. Yes, I make time for my sons, regardless. Their father, my ex-husband, couldn't care less when and if he sees them. See, that would require time away from the bar. My husband has been the "dad" for the past 6 years. Since they were 5 and 1. We now have alot of fallout since my oldest turned 11. He has questions. He has some really upset moments. It is very difficult to try to explain it to a child without saying "Gee kid...sorry your father is a fucking dickhead but this is the way it is sooo..get use to it!" *sigh* You just do the very best you can and try to be as understanding and as gentle as possible. It sucks, Freaky, it really, really does.

 

[freakygirl]

I don't hide the fact that he is an ass.

I don't candy coat it.. I don't even slightly sugar coat it.

Tonight.. and every other time.. I told her the truth.

Daddy has to eat dinner instead of going to your cheerleading.

Her response? "oh, he is to busy again?" My response "yes honey, he is. But I'm never to busy for you". Her response.. a smile, a kiss and a hug. I'm the luckiest mother in the world.

Be back a little later.

I'm going to go watch my daughter (who by the way has NO coordination at all) do some really bad (but cute) cheers.

 

[Kasha]

my own daddy rant...

God, Freaky that sucks. I so know how that is. My dad is the biggest piece of shit on this entire planet...but do you think that makes it any easier for me... I still wish he would love me...be proud of me...give a shit about me.

My mother and father seperated early in my childhood which is probably a great thing... the more I think about it, they probably would have killed eachother. Neither one of them was really responsible and essentially they would use me to get to eachother.

When they finally divorced I had been forced to see some nasty fights that made me hate them both. Mind you this is when I was 4. I was always with my grandparents. My parents as I said were irresponisible and a baby was the last thing either of them wanted to deal with. So, my father's 50-something year old parents got a new baby.

They have done a splendid job and never made me feel that they resented having to raise me. My father still to this day takes no responsibility for me.

He has NEVER done any of these things.. he never took me out to eat, never come to a school function or church for that matter, has never asked me anything about my life...EVER.

I have such hostility and rage because of that man. He has hurt me more than I thought would be possible. I took it all those years, I never told him how I felt. But I finally did and let me tell you I let it out... I called him every name I could think of and I told him just exactly what I thought of him.

After that I thought he had more respect for me...not love just he seemed like he could handle having me as a daughter...sorta.

I asked him out to lunch...told him I would pay... I was so happy because he told me he would...just like he did when I was a kid. And I was a sucker because I believed him.

He called and cancelled. Shocker huh.

He has done some other nasty shocking and heartbreaking things...so much so that I think I have finally gotten to the point where I will never attempt to have a relationship with him.

Even though...it still breaks my heart. He will never know the joy of being a father to me.. he will never know what a great person I have turned out to be and he will never know how much I loved him.

 

[Kasha]

damnit... I have upset myself thouroughly now.l

 

[Desert Amazon]

 

[freakygirl]

an update.

My daughter was GREAT! She did alot better than I thought she would.


Her "father" called me two different times to ask if I had explained to her why he couldn't be there. I told him I had. He said, well tell her I'm taking her to do something really special this weekend. I said and what would that be? He said We are going to the park. I told her and she said We always go to the park, what is so special about that? I laughed and thought to myself.. Kids say the funniest things!

 

[Guest]

They only grow up once, why would you miss all that important stuff for a t.v. dinner or the new E.R.?

I'm not convinced Freaky's ex ever grew up. Only his body matured. He sounds like a selfish spoiled brat to me.

 

[EvilBrat74]

Umm,i'm not even gonna get into this one.
Good luck.

 

[freakygirl]

I'm not convinced Freaky's ex ever grew up. Only his body matured. He sounds like a selfish spoiled brat to me.

bingo.. but you didn't need to post that as unregistered..

I left him because of his childishness.. he is almost 37.. and has yet to take any sort of responsibility for any of his children.

I get child support.. but only when his boss (his dad) takes it out of his paycheck.

 

[patient1]

Sorry, another casualty of the cookie monster

This was me ^
-----------------l

I'm not convinced Freaky's ex ever grew up. Only his body matured. He sounds like a selfish spoiled brat to me.

 

[freakygirl]

Umm,i'm not even gonna get into this one.
Good luck.

Why?

 

[freakygirl]

Re: Sorry, another casualty of the cookie monster

This was me ^
-----------------l

aaahhh ok... wasn't sure why someone would post that as unregistered.. it was a nice post.. LOL

 

[SilverVeil]

What goes around comes around. Some day he is gonna wake up and realize what a great kid your daughter is and want her to call him daddy and do father-daughter things with her. Hopefully by then she will have wised up and realized what an ass this jerk is and take a pass.

She obviously has a great mom to make up for the jerk-wad father.

 

[Calamity Jane]

My sister's ex husband makes no time for his children either. He's always calling them and telling them he'll be there for the weekend, attend the basketball game, the dance recital, the karate competition... and he never shows. There's always something going on with his new wife, his new kids, something far more important than these two wonderful children.

It breaks my nephew's heart. It pisses my neice off to no end. She no longer speaks to him on the phone, and has told her mom that when he does show up, she's going to have something more important to do.

 

[plasticman33]

Some men should be castrated before they have the chance to become fathers. I didn't say parent for the obvious reason. Being a sperm donor doesn't make you a parent.

I feel bad for you freaky and for all the other families affected by men like this.

 

[lovetoread]

Its funny. I just had a knock down dragged out fight with my new ex about his not spending anytime with the kids.

He says he doesnt have the time to do it.

He says he has to work too much.

He says...well you get the point.

I am moving in May to another state. He knows this and said he was going to spend time with them. Yea,I will believe that when I see it.

Being like this is new to me. I have been making excuses to the kids about his behavior, but I am not doing that anymore.

He tries to say its my fault. That he cant come by and see the kids because he cant be near me. I have offered to leave the house,let him take them out,anything. But he still wont do it.

I am at a loss. A total loss on how to handle the kids and his behavior.

 

[login]

Freaky, I'm sorry that you and your daughter have to deal with this. It redefines the term Jerk.

It also makes me realize how lucky I was as a kid. My parents divorced when I was 9. My Dad never missed an important event, or a weekend visitation. He was always there when I wanted him to be, even though he and my mother could barely stand to be in the same room together for years.

As a grown man now, with children of my own, I can appreciate the efforts he made. He's even made his peace with my mother. I have to believe that a large part of that was not wanting to miss holidays with his grandchildren.

I can only hope that your ex will come to his senses one of these days.

 

[JazzManJim]

Men like that piss me off to no end.

I have two children (28 months and 16 months) with my ex-fiancee. She lives 500 miles (a 10 1/2 hour drive) away from me. I've never once missed sending money up there for them, both when she and I were "together" and when we weren't. This is a conentual thing, and not court-ordered.

I made it to my daughter's birth and missed my son's birth (Damn, he arrived fast!!) by three hours. I've never missed a birthday or Christmas for either one of them. When my daughter was an infant, I was up there, for at least three days every month, even when their Mom and I were not getting along at all and the end was near. There was a six month period when my car was wrecked and I was getting a new one. The first month I got a new one, I was up there again.

I now still have my full-time job and school. Nevertheless, I'll be up there every two months. Every time I go up there, I take two new outfits apiece a pack of diapers apiece and I always buy at least another outfit while I'm up there.

Now all of this isn't being said to brag on myself. I love my children without exception, and very often I feel bad that I can't do more and be there more. I do what I can and it never feels like enough to me, but that's my own selfishness. I've said all that because I have absolutely no sympathy for men like your ex, freakygurl - none whatsoever. Were I as close as he, I'd be begging for more than one weekend a month. I'd give blood to make every event in which they were involved. I'd be at school meetings, ballgames, talent shows, scout meetings, bake sales. You name it, I want to be there. I know that as my kids grow up, unless I get a lot closer to them, geographically (and right now that's not in the works), I'll miss a lot of that. That makes me very sad. I hate it. But I know I'll be there for as much as I can, and I can only hope that it'll be okay with them.

That's it. End of my rant!

 

[TigerClaw]

He tries to say its my fault. That he cant come by and see the kids because he cant be near me. I have offered to leave the house,let him take them out,anything. But he still wont do it.

I am at a loss. A total loss on how to handle the kids and his behavior.

Dont try to handle it all. Just worry about the kids. They can always call their dad or beep him. Let them take a more proactive roll in trying to contact him.

Hopefully, he will turn around. It would be sad if he didnt. But they will always have you and the man in your/their life.

 

[carrie-on]

You know, dads aren't the only ones who disappoint their kids by not doing something when they say they will. My husband and I are guardians to my sister's son who is now 15. She calls him about every 3 or 4 months and if he is not here,she says she will call back in a couple of days and never does. He has lived with us for 2 years today, (his 3rd birthday since he has been here is coming up in a few days) and she has yet to send him anything for his birthday. He hasn't gotten anything for Christmas from her either,which really sucks. I hate seeing the hurt on his face when she doesn't call. All I can really do is be there for him when he wants to talk. My husband is more of a Dad to him than his real dad,who he has never met,by the way.

 

[SweetBrat73]

Those are all shitty exscuses, in my opinion.

I could understand doctors appt's, and things of that nature, but really, it sounds like he's not trying.

They only grow up once, why would you miss all that important stuff for a t.v. dinner or the new E.R.?

(I don't have children, so maybe I'm a little biased?)

I have kids and I completely agree with you Wiggles!!!


Maybe your ex is making such excuses because he really doesn't want to be a "father" and wants nothing to do with his daughter and that's sad. Or maybe he has issues with seeing you? Could be...ya never know.

I just wish "parents" would take their children's lives more seriously. I don't think they really know how they are hurting their children by acting so stupid!!!


Brat

 

[freakygirl]

I have kids and I completely agree with you Wiggles!!!


Maybe your ex is making such excuses because he really doesn't want to be a "father" and wants nothing to do with his daughter and that's sad. Or maybe he has issues with seeing you? Could be...ya never know.

I just wish "parents" would take their children's lives more seriously. I don't think they really know how they are hurting their children by acting so stupid!!!


Brat

He does have a problem with me.. he is still in love with me.

But we get along fine.. we spend all major holidays together.

It's a long story.. and many people here at Lit have heard it before.. but my current SO is his step brother. It's been almost 6 years that we have been apart. The "hard" feelings are long gone (or so he says). This man doesn't love what he has.. he loves what he lost. But only after he has lost it.

Maybe someday he will lose the respect his daughter has for him.. atleast then she will have a chance at some love from him.

 

[Guest]

Last week end I drove 300 miles round trip to watch My daughter swim 2 events, prolly in the water a total of 5 minutes, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. Jim, I don't know about you, but the way I learned to be a father was by watching my own Dad. It's just the way that I'm suposed to do things. I've felt guilty that I missed several Band marching contests this year, because I couldn't get off work for them. but she understood.

I can't understand parents that don't get involved with thier kids lives, and encourage them to be all that they can become. All four of our girls compeated in both a team sport and an indivigual sport. They were all in band, and participated in various other activies. It was always so sad to see kids looking to the sidelines for someone, hell anyone that was there for them. I hated taking a kid home from an event and seeing thier dad mowing the lawn or some other "important" chore. My lawn was full of crab grass and weeds, but I always thought that raising kids was more important than raising grass.