A question for the subs out there

[UpwardSpiral]

Okay I know this is out of the blue, but I would love to hear everyone's opinion on this.

My wife, my submissive, struggles often with OCD. she works full-time, and has a fairly prominent position in a non-profit group which shall remain nameless. She is very good at what she does, but sometimes finds herself very overwhelmed with all the responsibilities she takes on.

In my attempts to help her when things are piled on, as I feel a good, caring husband and Dom should, I try to take some of her burdens onto myself. My logic being is that if she is overwhelmed, then relieving some of that stress would help. But no, she does not respond to this action on my part positively. She finds my actions to be coddling, and that I am diminishing her by not letting her figure out how to handle all her stress on her own.

Naturally, it is very difficult for me to stand by and she her stess out, when I know I can help. But she doesn't even know how to tell me to help her, and my own initiatives seem to rub her the wrong way (not how she would have done it).

Thoughts? Advice? Drugs?

 

[midwestyankee]

You're hardly the first man to encounter this problem and it is not in any way restricted to those who practice bdsm. The best solution is one that will work within your relationship but it's worth remembering that you're not alone and...

It's not about you.

 

[sata85]

If you can fix something, fix it. Video is stupid.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

If you can fix something, fix it. Video is stupid.

Not a visual learner, eh, sata?

 

[sata85]

Not a visual learner, eh, sata?

I merely offer a counter-opinion.

 

[lilturtle]

Take the choice of your help away from her. Who's the Dom....you or her?

 

[MeekMe]

You're hardly the first man to encounter this problem and it is not in any way restricted to those who practice bdsm. The best solution is one that will work within your relationship but it's worth remembering that you're not alone and...

It's not about you.

That video was great! "All my sweaters are snagged." >.< That part would drive me nuts.

UpwardSpiral

I don't know anything about your relationship so giving you advice seems silly.

I can tell you that whenever my husband has a full plate and is stressing out, I make sure to make his favorite meals. I also take on more responsibilities around the house so that he can focus on his work.

On a more Lit appropriate side, SEX is an awesome stress reliever. ^_^ Makes us both less stressed.

When all else fails, exercise. Much like sex, it's great at helping with stress.

As your wife/sub it could be that she feels you shouldn't be taking on any of these burdens. I'm always a little guilty feeling when Mister does something for me that in my mind he didn't need to do. He's always there for me and I'm really grateful, but sometimes I feel like a failure if he has to pick up after me. Maybe she feels like she's failing you when you do things for her? Again, I don't know your relationship so that's all I've got.

 

[ecstaticsub]

You're hardly the first man to encounter this problem and it is not in any way restricted to those who practice bdsm. The best solution is one that will work within your relationship but it's worth remembering that you're not alone and...

It's not about you.

I love this video! I just forwarded it to my Dominant. We have this issue quite often. I like to be able to just vent for a bit and he always want to fix my problems.

For the OP, here's the thing..I don't tell my Dominant my problems so he can fix them I tell him because it helps me solve my problems myself. For me at least it is similar to writing in a journal. It organizes my myriad of responsibilities. When he tries to solve my problems or even worse scale back my responsibilities to him in an effort to make my life easier it instead makes the situation worse.

It makes me feel like he doesn't think I am capable of doing all I need to do. It also makes me feel like he doesn't trust that when I do truly need his help that I won't come to him.

I would recommend instead of taking on some of her burdens yourself express your confidence in her own abilities to handle her burdens. Let her know that you are available to help if she does need you, but let it be her decision.

I know that when my Dominant steps back and just listens to me I am more likely to ask for his advice, and take it, too.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Also, if she struggles with OCD then you cannot do anything about that-- you must already know this. It's true that stress can bring on the symptoms, but the stress could be almost nothing -- you must also already know that. On another day, she can handle a fuckton of stress without symptoms.

 

[UpwardSpiral]

Thank you all for the awesome responses. And the video was the best! I do appreciate the perspectives on this. Nice to see that this works as expected, trolls not withstanding.

 

[desertslave]

I'm ADD, not OCD, but there's some definite crossover in predicaments. I know this isn't exactly what you're asking, but perhaps stepping in as her Dom and preventing "helium hand" (taking on too many projects at once) would be a helpful alternative. Master is very good at questioning me in sneaky ways so I can figure out for myself that a particular project is probably beyond the scope of my mental and physical resources. I admit, sometimes I get defensive about it, but he's also good at making me hear him, even if it's a matter of trickling in, instead of instant acceptance.

Sometimes just acting as a sounding board while I sort things out is immensely helpful.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Take the choice of your help away from her. Who's the Dom....you or her?

This is absolutely horrible advice. First of all, who says they're in a 24/7 lifestyle scenario where that kind of control is even CONSIDERED acceptable? Secondly, you can't handle psychiatric and stress issues by FORCING your help on someone. Can anyone say "haunted asylum" for buildings full of examples? Even if it worked, it's incredibly disrespectful to her as a person.

The video captures the point many women are trying to make. Yes, in that case, it would be a LOT easier and more effective to just remove the nail. But that was a VERY CUT AND DRY example to illustrate the point. We know it's ridiculous. But the nail being pulled out is NOT WHAT WE'RE ASKING. And much of the time, it's not a problem that can be easily or otherwise fixed. Sometimes it's not WORTH fixing it. We just need to blow off the steam, and have someone acknowledge our pain. Then, if we want to have it fixed, we'll either fix it ourselves or ask for help.

OP, it's her job, her position at the non-profit, and--unless you've already agreed those parts of her life are part of your D/s arrangement--it's not your place to just go doing her job for her. As someone with a similar situation/mind set, please know that it's nothing personal...but we really feel these things need to be done how we would do it.

So, what do we want? Emotional Support. Help WHEN ASKED. We might ask you to do something you don't want to do...but if your goal is to be helpful and supportive, that shouldn't matter right? And by all means, offer! I love it when my partner offers to help! Sometimes it seems unrelated, but something as simple as doing dinner that night or changing over a laundry load helps. It's just one little thing off the mind that lets us dedicate our focus to "our jobs". And, hell, sometimes she may even ask you to do one of her jobs for her! It's just heaps more polite to ask first.

And, while D/s isn't built on manners, it certainly helps a marriage!

 

[Alliecat1970]

Loved the video!

Reading the OPs post, I did not interpret the assistance being offered as relating to job tasks, but perhaps assisting with other daily life responsibilities. That being said, it can be challenging to allow someone else to take over a task when you have definite ideas about how it should be done, that in itself can add to the stress level. I continually have to remind myself that done is good and remember that if someone is kind enough to help, I should be grateful for the help and not be critical of how the task was completed, as long as it is accomplished. It is a struggle to be mindful of that on occasion.

 

[Netzach]

Dude, why would you only want subs' input on this? Some of the rest of us have actually trod where you tread.

Proof that I'm the boy in my relationship, that vid. The sweater thing is tiring narcissism that I can't deal with. YOU HAVE A NAIL. It's one thing if you're self aware enough to preface your bitchfest with "hey I just want to complain." Cool, it's my favorite art form. But if not, I'm assuming that you're trying to actually do more.

It's funny. When I'm the girl in a relationship my partner's freakouts hit me in the tummy, a storm of butterflies and vomit. When I'm the boy it's like a drill bit going into my third eye spot, right at the worry line. I digress....

In my experience? There is nothing you can do about OCD. NO THING. You simply have to create a bubble of calm for yourself into which no rising blood pressure things can come, and be there when they actually want your input.

Gently, GINGERLY maybe suggest talking to her shrink (she haz, I hope?) about maybe working to eliminate some of the least productive things to obsess about from her obsession roster. But that's easier said than done, and it's up to her to do it.