a question for masochists....

[dolf]

as i see it there is a difference between destructive harm and enjoyable pain...even non-enjoyed pain can be good in a BDSM situation.

{trying to define and describe makes my head hurt, i'm sure you all know what i mean}

here's the thing...is masochism in sex play linked to self harm?


i'm being a wuss here and not commenting until i see what other people have to say on the matter.
xx

 

[Desdemona]

I'm not a true masochist, but I do enjoy some painful sensations. For me, it's not linked to self harm. It's just for fun and to intensify the whole experience.

 

[Bandit58]

I wouldn't consider myself a masochist, although I enjoy a spanking (only recently discovered). The only self-harming thing I do is bite the skin around my fingernails, and pick the loose skin around my thumbnails until it bleeds sometimes.....it's a nervous habit I have not been able to break completely, though I am doing it less these days

 

[witcha]

OK..gonna be 1st brave her and admit that yes I self harm myself...dunno if it has much to do with being masochist..rather with my screwed up mind..but ohh well...bad me






witcha

 

[dolf]

OK..gonna be 1st brave her and admit that yes I self harm myself...dunno if it has much to do with being masochist..rather with my screwed up mind..but ohh well...bad me

uh huh, me too...
question was prompted by my recent tumble from the wagon after many months of being good.


for me there is a huge difference in the two types of pain. si pain hurts...that's it...there is a sense of grounding that i get but it's horrid, nasty, unpleasant pain.
kinky pain...well it's very different...some people assume that wanting pain during sex is a sad si thing, but for me it is a really good, satisfying feeling.
xx

{oh well, starting again i guess...trying to be good }

 

[witcha]

You're good dolf....

It's all very complicated....a lil bit of spanking(which I enjoy) has nothing to do with SI..coz that's for dealing with emotinal pain...trying to cut down on it (sorry couldn't resist )





witcha

 

[graceanne]

Well, since I was pretty young I've bit, scratched, and pinched myself. In my house I was not allowed to be angry or sad, so it was the only way I could let that out. Since I got married I rarely do any of that, but sometimes things build up, and I have to bite myself. Actually since me and K have decided to change our 'lifestyle' (I hate putting it that way, but can't think of anyother way to word it) I've done better. Maybe it's cause he's spanking me, and so I don't have to cause myself pain, I don't know.
As for sexually, i've always done things to cause pain to myself while masturbating, for as long as I can remember. *shrugs* Maybe I'm just messed up, maybe it's just the way I am. As I said in another post, i'm happy with who I am, and I'm happy with my decisions.

 

[graceanne]

You're good dolf....

It's all very complicated....a lil bit of spanking(which I enjoy) has nothing to do with SI..coz that's for dealing with emotinal pain...trying to cut down on it (sorry couldn't resist )





witcha

bad pun. lol

That's what it is. The self inflicted is a release, almost like taking what's inside you and putting it outside you so that it can be seen.

 

[Kajira Callista]

I think self inflicted pain is related to being a masochist. It is a stress reliever or a way to ground yourself during edgy times in your life. Pain feels good when you are a masochist and it feels good when you are a self injurer. I actually don't see anything wrong with doing it as long as you do it safely, and anyone who does it knows you learn to do it safely very quickly. I think a lot of people dont want to link it with masochism *shrug* but i don't see why not...pleasure in pain equals masochist in my book.

Just so ya all don't think i'm spewing crap i know nothing of...i am a self injurer, i don't care to tell how or when or why on the boards, but i understand what it is all about.

 

[dolf]

ty KC

i've always been told si is 'wrong' and 'bad'...but is it?
if i'm not doing perminant harm and it helps me to keep sane is it bad?

ok, i'll still try very hard not to...atm it's gaps of several months in between....and as graceanne said, if i was getting the release in a relationship i wouldn't feel the ned to at all.

though i've often had the thought that it's not actually that bad i've never dared to voice it because i assumed it was insane to think that way.....
is venting in a controled way worse than not venting or trying to vent and failing?

xx

 

[witcha]

I think I think it's wrong..dunno....lately for sure..I'm aware I cut too deep...but normally (funny word in this situation) it brings relief..at least I'm not hurting others..this should count for sth,right???





witcha

 

[Kajira Callista]

I think what a lot of people dont realize is one very important thing. You have to answer to no one but yourself in this life, and that there is no shame in being different or handling your life in a way that works for you. I dont think that the problem for most SIs is that you do it, its more being ashamed that you like it. For the most part i have come to accept that my feelings about pain and the way pain feels to me is different then it is for most and thats just the way it is. It took a long time for me to get where i am but now that i am here im a happy girl.

 

[Kierae]

I come from the perspective that I am a masochist but never have done any of the "obvious" self injury type things. I was a psychiatric nurse for many years and worked with abuse victims so I saw alot of SI. The reality is SI isn't a bad thing (although folks won't necessarily want to admit that) because it's a coping mechanism. Although it's not necessarily a "healthy" coping mechanism, for most of the folks it is what kept them alive. If they didn't have some kind of release, things turned dangerous and critical. Ultimately the goal is to help the person find a different coping mechanism. The irony is that society views excessive drinking/drugging/reckless behaviors as more "acceptable" ways to cope.

So don't beat yourself up (sorry for the pun) over a "slip". The important thing is to know why it happened and be aware of anything you can do differently in the future to prevent that kind of pent up feeling.

~Kierae

 

[catalina_francisco]

There have been some discussions around self harm and masochism here before and I will try and find them if time permits. For myself I voted no to the self harm. I am told by those I have played with or been involved with I am an extreme masochist, but doing it to myself just doesn't work for me. For me personally it is like trying to tickle myself, just not the same feeling or level of satisfaction, nor does it answer the need I have in the physical, emotional, or psychological sense.

Catalina

 

[s'lara]

Here is the thread that Catalina referred to. It was an interesting discussion. i am sure this thread will be too.

lara

 

[dolf]

ty
xx

 

[shy slave]

In the film The Secretary they make the link between si and masochism.

I see it as a coping mechanism just like binge eating/drinking/smoking or driving fast as a stress reliver.

IMHO every one deliberately hurts themselves some chose physical si some chose emotional both leave marks.

I do not si in a physical sense but its not a thing i choose to judge people on either.

I get the impression that few people use it as a self-distruct mechanism but more as a way of controlling things when situations in other areas of life get out-of-control for whatever reason.

I have never been a fan of pain. I am learning the joys of it slowly. KC & catlina have posted in the past on how to enjoy pain and this has been of great support to me.

One of the things he has asked of me is to inflict pain on myself. It has not been easy and there is no joy attached, it is simply a way of training myself to take more.
When He inflicts pain I hate but love it. Glad when its over yet starting to crave more.

In answer to your question dolf is masochism in sex play linked to self harm?

I think it would help if your were able to si and enjoy the release it gives. But I am not sure they are intrinsically linked. x

 

[graceanne]

I think what a lot of people dont realize is one very important thing. You have to answer to no one but yourself in this life, and that there is no shame in being different or handling your life in a way that works for you. I dont think that the problem for most SIs is that you do it, its more being ashamed that you like it. For the most part i have come to accept that my feelings about pain and the way pain feels to me is different then it is for most and thats just the way it is. It took a long time for me to get where i am but now that i am here im a happy girl.

You are right, and maybe this need I have is something else I need to learn to accept about myself. As Kierae said, it's a coping mechanism, and not that bad a one. I'm always careful not to harm myself, it's why I bite myself. I don't bite through the skin, and I'm careful not to bite where I can leave big bruises, cause then it's about attention. I do know that if I need to, I need to, and if I don't I get . . . weird. As I said, it feels like I took what's inside me and put it where I could see it, and there for handle it.

As for others, the other day when dolf was having problems she told me she needed to do her thing, and I told her that if she needed to to do it, just to be careful, and not do anything permanent or damaging. Telling her it was wrong or she shouldn't would have been wrong of me. First off, she knows what she's doing. But, frankly holding in that kind of pain in is way worse than a little itty bitty cut, or for that mattter bite. (I know, i'm paying with a stress related disorder. If I don't let it out on my skin, it will show up as an ulcer in my colon. Either way I'm in pain. ) She needed to let it out, or things were going to get worse, and I'd rather she have a cut on her foot than her wrist.

Either way I am going to think on what KC said. Maybe I need to stop beating myself up about this, too. *shrugs*

 

[graceanne]

I think I think it's wrong..dunno....lately for sure..I'm aware I cut too deep...but normally (funny word in this situation) it brings relief..at least I'm not hurting others..this should count for sth,right???





witcha

*hugs* Well, you do want to be careful, but there are worse things. Just don't harm yourself, we'd miss you around here, k? *big hug* And if you need to vent, if that'd help sometimes just PM me, i'm always ready and willing to listen.

 

[witcha]

Thanx for the offer graceanne..it's all strange....I can talk and talk bout it..and it never gets better,you know???





witcha

 

[graceanne]

Thanx for the offer graceanne..it's all strange....I can talk and talk bout it..and it never gets better,you know???





witcha

yeah, I do. Sucks, doesn't it? Well, if I can help, or do anything, let me know. And let yoursel off the hook a bit. You might be getting 'worse' because you're beating yourself up so bad about needing this. As it's been said, you're not hurting anyone else, and it makes you feel better. Where's the harm in that?

*hugs*

 

[lark sparrow]

here's the thing...is masochism in sex play linked to self harm?

Sometimes, yes/no, not always?

My masochism and sex play are highly entwined, but I have no personal history of self-harm.

 

[Xelebes]

I do various things to create sensations upon myself like pulling my own hair, taking a ruler and slapping it across my back or nape repetitively and in more stressful situations I can resort to violent thrashing to inflict a bit of bruising on my arms or my head or even rapping my head against walls and desks...

The latter two being only used for stressful situations while former few are used to just do it while I am bored. I oft don't do things for sexual pleasure but sometimes I will experiment with these things during masturbation.

 

[Liana26]

I've been cutting, scratching, tearing at my hair, and starving myself on and off since I was 11. But it wasn't just a release for me, it also had to do with me hating my body. Long story short, I was the only girl on the playground with breasts and hips back in the day. And everyone (mother, sisters, "friends", boys, other parents, etc.) would call me a slut (this is sat an age where I thought a virgin was a girl who'd never kissed a boy). So I hated myself. The amount of SI I've done's been pretty consistent over the years, until I started a D/s relationship. I haven't hurt myself in any way since then, except maybe to bite down on my hand to ease the pain from nipple clamps, spankings, all that good stuff.

If you have done SI, did you maybe do it because you were rejecting your physical body? I'd be interested to know because I haven't met anyone else that did it for the same reasons as me.

 

[Xelebes]

The question of why I do it? Anxiety and the depression it can cause. So much it has led to nervous breakdowns and such. Masochism is just a better means of keeping it in check for me.

Now, of course, never being in a sexual relationship to have someone else administer the pain, I don't know if that would cause me to not have the need to do it myself anymore.

I guess the automasochism is just a means to deliver the good feelings of pain until there is someone else who can administer the pain or is reduced when there is someone else who can give it to you.