A question and please be honest in your answers

[BirdsWife]

He tries his damndest but I am one of those unforgiveable people who can't let crap slide and has to go back and do it over if it's not done " right". It makes it hard to do for me when you know I'm going to probably go behind you and redo it. I know it's made him slow to pitch in more then he does and I'm trying to work on not being quite so damned anal but it doesn't change overnight.

Oh, but it can change overnight. I used to be extremely anal and had to have everything in my house perfect. My husband (fiance at the time) couldn't do anything good enough for me, so he wasn't even allowed to fold the towels because he couldn't do it "right"--think of me as a slightly less severe version of that Roshelle chick, for those of you who watch Oprah.

Then we got married, and on the way home from our honeymoon I began feeling dizzy and nauseaous and started having vision problems. By the time we arrived at our house, I could barely move. Several doctors visits, two trips to the emergency room and a week of wondering whether I was going to live or die later, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, a chronic disease where my body attacks its own central nervous system.

For seven months I laid on the couch practically blind and so nauseaous that I couldn't move, and when I finally recovered from my attack I realized that I had wasted way too much time and energy on trying to make things perfect instead of really enjoying my life. Now I am more than happy and grateful for the help my husband gives me around here, and I don't even complain when he folds the towels the "wrong" way. If the old me saw what a lived-in mess my house usually is nowadays, she would probably have a heart attack, but I can honestly say that I am a much happier person now.

It really can take overnight--a bad car accident, a sudden death, a major illness--for someone's anal ways to change. Please don't let it come to this before you see that trying to have everything perfect isn't worth the price you, and your family, are paying.

And yes, it does affect your entire family. My ex-husband had horribly low self-esteem, mainly because his parents redid every single chore he tried to do throughout his entire childhood. They inadvertently sent him the message that his efforts had no value, that no matter how hard he tried he would never be good enough. So what did he do? He quit trying. He was a wonderful artist who ended up working as a grocery store stock clerk because he was too afraid to take the chance on his dream.

Just some things to think about from someone who has been there. I believe Phoenix Stone put it best when she said, "I bet your daughter would rather have a happy, relaxed mommy than the prettiest valentine box in the class."

Good luck and God Bless.

 

[DarkMuse]

DarkMuse~
I think you've hit on part of what also bugs me about the porn, that he can make time to go find a release with it, but not cuddle on the couch with me. The logical part of my brain (- there is a little bit of logic left in here I swear! -) understands why he's turning to it but the hormonal screwed up side (- clearly the much more dominant side right now-)is deeply hurt by it and it feeds my insecurity in massive doses. The few times I've tried and I use that word very lightly to talk to him about it and how it makes me feel I end up being really confrontational and it ends up sounding more like my issue is him looking at naked women which good grief is just not the case! I also think that he really doesn't realize how much work is involved in raising our 3 daughters and that as a woman it comes easy and naturally to me to handle that sort of pressure. He's said things to that effect before when we get into about me doing the majority of the "parenting".

It's NOT screwed up to want him to cuddle with you rather than look at porn. As I said, my boyfriend will get immersed in video games and ignore me when I go out of my way to visit him. He understood this as a problem (HIS problem, because he shouldn't have been so immersed in the games that he ignored me for the two days a week I see him) so he got rid of the console, and spends time with me (quality time). He acknowledged the problem when I brought it up (jokingly), and fixed it.

As a PERSON (not just a woman, mother or wife) you deserve respect, and you deserve what you NEED, and that is affection from your mate during this difficult time. It doesn't mean you're "hormonal" or "screwed up". Don't let people tell you he "needs" porn because he's a man who "needs sexual release". If you don't feel like sex, why don't you hold him while he masturbates? Or give him a hand job? (Great Book: The Guide to Getting It On gives all kinds of ideas on the topic of non-sex sexual acts). Or have him do that for you as well? If he's turning to porn and masturbating on a regular basis, rather than communicating and spending time with you, that is a problem. It's not "the norm". No man should prefer that over getting to touch his woman.

Or find porn that you enjoy together--maybe an erotic story book, or print some off from literotica, or read the letters to Playboy and Hustler or whatever.

Of course, if you're not comfortable with that, then don't do it. Counselling is a great idea, since there are likely much more underlying problems (especially if he's finding time for porn, but not for you). Look up some resources on the net (if you can't find any, let me know where you're located, and I can likely find something--my sister has SSW contacts all over North America).

Good luck! And remember...you ARE important, and he should be treating you as such.

 

[looking4fun]

I mean it's 4:30 am as I type this I have just gotten off work and as I type I'm finishing decorating the Valentines box for my 4 yr. olds preschool V-day party so that she won't be the kid with the ugly plain brown sack!

Lots of good insight/advice, thought I would just add my .02 worth. First off we are in about the same spot regarding our current relationship struggles. Plus we have very simialr back grounds (married young, highschool sweethearts, kids youngs, & 10+ years of marriage)

One thing that really sends me over the edge is how my wife can be so over the top with things. My wife also spent couple hours this week preparing V-day bags for the my little ones (10,8) plus spent several hours preparing a girl scout project. Plus she has signed up to coordinator for one of the class parties tomorrow.

My guess she has committed to about 10 hours for stuff this week alone, but last Friday she couldn't find 1-3 hours to go to happy hour with some friends (got the short notice & not neccessary excuse). So we ended up not going, which really pissed me off as she never finds time for us. When it comes to our relationship there is nothing over the top about it. Instead it just enough to keep us from giving up.

I don't feel like we are husband & wife, instead we are partner's in raising the kids. If I could ever get my wife to see this, I am sure things would improve.

So I guess my advice would be to make sure your husband knows that he is a priority also.

Good Luck

 

[Bobmi357]

poof

 

[Limbhugger]

Sweet Ms. Key.

Life is what makes the rewards sweeter. The rewards have to be sought out. All the "Lifetime" specials in the world are just that, television bullshit.

Marriage is work. The difference between marital work and real work is you want to do the marital kind.

If you don't want to do the work in your current marriage, then perhaps it is over. People change and grow apart. We change. Life changes. There is no shame in calling it quits when really is time to call it.

The question is, is it that time or has life just become a massive burden that has taken you away from each other? Have the two of you "allowed" yourselves to drift and become consumed by the outside forces?

Our lives don't play out like a Hollywood script as you well know.

Wife and I have hit rock bottom more than once. Lots of folks would've cashed in their chips. But we never did. We just always recomitted to our love for one another. It has been hard at times and it has taken concsious thought. But in the end, it has always been right. We love each other and we are good for one another.

It's easy to get confused in this world today. Maybe you are and maybe you aren't. Maybe he his and maybe he isn't. I don't know.

All I know is that long lasting love is a labor of love that takes a lot of openess (with each other and within) and both people to want it.

All my best sweetheart.

 

[Mskey]

Looking...

Ouch! When did you decide to come hang out in my house for a bit? Seriously though, that's alot like my day.

Right now I am doing duties as a room parent, preschool volunteer soccer coach, girlscout parent inaddittion to the rest of my " life" I just turned a gf down on her offer to go out for a bit Fri night because I have a soccer coaches meeting Sat am and I don't want to be run down for it. I call it super mommy complex. I hadn't thought about what hubby must feel like seeing me manage to cram all that into my day but always being to tired for sex or to stressed for intimacy. Thanks for the wakeup call there.

LH~ oh we're a def. labor of love. I couldn't imagine being w/o this man in my life which is why it's hurting so badly to see us drifting apart and why I really want to try and rectify the situation.

Bobmi~

I want you to understand that I don't blame " porn". Hubby and I have enjoyed porn together in the past. We've enjoyed quite a few episodes of great sex after halfassedly watching XXX together or skimming through a website. I don't think porn is some great evil that pulls our marriage apart. I do however think that I can't possibly live up to the images he finds in porn that seem to be what gets him aroused and that is shreddingan already fragile self image to hell and back. Do I " blame" porn? No. Am I hurt by it? Yup!
No I'm not wearing the sexy lingerie, or slipping him nasty little notes right now. I'm sure that I am probably sending all the wrong signals and that is contributing to the problem and I do see the cycle for the viscious thing that it is, however I don't see the point in putting on the lingerie for him if I still feel like he sees a hippo wearing a chemise and would rather be looking at the model in the catalog wearing it then me. It does no good for me to write him notes telling I want him to spend an hr eating me out when he gets home if that's just not a feasable idea. I know that helps perpetuate things and I do honestly understand his need for sexual release but it doesn't changethe fact that the way he goes about getting it is hurtful to me right now.

 

[DarkMuse]

I know that when I feel fat (I've gained weight again), that my boyfriend always makes sure I feel attractive--that he tells me how beautiful I am, how wonderful he thinks I am, how much he loves me, and snuggles with me as we watch movies together.

I'm hoping, when we have children that this continues, especially if I feel as you do.

Everyone is suggesting YOU do something about your selfimage. That's very true. But if you're upset about something, it's also up to your husband to see that, and acknowledge that, and maybe...just maybe...be sensitive to it.

My boyfriend is always baffled by how men and women don't meet each other's needs emotionally. He feels it's so simple, to just really LISTEN and watch a person to know they need loving words or just a hug.

Perhaps couples counselling is a good idea.

 

[freddyandeddy]

No I'm not wearing the sexy lingerie, or slipping him nasty little notes right now. I'm sure that I am probably sending all the wrong signals and that is contributing to the problem and I do see the cycle for the viscious thing that it is, however I don't see the point in putting on the lingerie for him if I still feel like he sees a hippo wearing a chemise and would rather be looking at the model in the catalog wearing it then me. It does no good for me to write him notes telling I want him to spend an hr eating me out when he gets home if that's just not a feasable idea. I know that helps perpetuate things and I do honestly understand his need for sexual release but it doesn't change the fact that the way he goes about getting it is hurtful to me right now.

If you really believe what you've written here, you are doomed. This is certainly not "how to" get back on track, by any stretch and will only serve to deepen the chasm between you, your husband, and intimacy. Forget the sex part, you two are starved for the most basic of emotional needs; cuddling, fun conversation, a dinner for TWO, phonecalls just to say hello, etc. Fuck the soccer meeting - cancel that shit and go to breakfast with your husband. Or wake up and bring him breakfast in bed (or tell him to bring YOU breakfast in bed). Drop the darned kids off with some friends and go have some hot, dripping, wet... CONVERSATION together! Eat some luscious, scorching, slippery FOOD together. Take eachother's clothes off with your MINDS.

You're lucky I'm in a good mood tonight or I'd slam you hard for that "hippo" comment. Stop buying into the bullshit perceptions of beauty that the media is feeding you (and that you've convinced yourself you're not). Besides, I'd much rather fuck a "hippo" than some string bean vacuous model. Porn stars? Fun to look at, but can't hold a candle to my wife by any stretch! I'm hoping to keep my hot "hippo" around for a sexy lifetime!

 

[herecomestherain]

Just some thoughts...at the grave risk of simplifying the issues at hand...sometimes, just sometimes when you are a mother,especially a new mother of a demanding tiny infant plus two older children all of whom have many many and mostly non negotiable needs the last thing you actually feel like is sex. Sex can feel like just one more thing that someone wants from you, that someone needs of you, not something someone wants to do for you. I'm wondering if this isn't some basic biological function along with postpartum hormones that are actually designed to keep potential "mates" and the possibility of another pregnancy away?

Okay I'm ducking for cover here...as horrible as it sounds, when our babies were little, I sometimes used to feel like I had a thousand hungry terriers snapping at my ankles and the sex terrier was right there amongst them. Sometimes I used to envy my partners' discretionary time, his ability to get into the car and be alone, even though he was and is a busy person. He thankfully chose to put study on hold while we had our last child.

Sleep, sanity, peace, an opportunity to breath without someone needing me just for a minute, discretionary time, a minute of the freedom I used to have, these were the things I longed for.
Taking time to somehow reconstruct yourself is crucial.

Here's another incendiary device...Sometimes you've just got to be that dreaded word..."selfish" until you can reconstruct yourself. As individuals and as a couple saying no to stuff you don't really want or have to do is vital. For the first few months of a new baby in the house I reckon you're pretty much in survival mode, lurching from one mini crisis to the next, life revolving around the little tyrant!

I don't think you have to don the sexy nightwear, but you do literally have to buy something nice to wear everyday that fits you now, don't wait, something you are not ashamed of being seen in that makes you feel good, don't don the mumsy persona if you don't have too. You may not have the energy for playing the sex kitten but it doesn't mean you can't try for your self esteems' sake to look good, not perfectly groomed just happy with yourself. Having said that, I used to think looking good with little kids was making it out of the house with out a trail of vomit down my back from a recent burping event!

The other thing I noticed in our household when our kids were little was the tendency for me to feel like "the team" was the kids and I, with my husband somehow on the outer instead of feeling that the team was wife and husband managing the whole kid thing. Don't know if that makes sense to anyone else but it is a subtle perception shift that made me sometimes feel quite alone.

IMHO and as Mr Maslow was want to point out there is an order of need, you know safety, food shelter etc, sleep, health,support, affection,desire, attraction then lust. I do believe that woman mostly need all of the preceding to be in place in order to move on to lust. There that's another 2 cents worth.

 

[Bobmi357]

Poof

 

[pplwatching]

Mskey,

Feeling beautiful and sexy isn’t just about knowing that your partner desires you. This isn’t about sex. This is about having a new baby, dealing with post-partum issues, being overcommitted and over stressed, and a breakdown of communication. One manifestation of the problem is that it’s hard to feel sexual and/or beautiful when so many parts of your life are crazy at best. Feeling overwhelmed and/or that things are teetering on the brink of going out of control are signs of depression. In your case it may be post partum or it may just very well be that you have too much on your plate. Either way, it can’t be doing good things for your self confidence and self esteem.

You need to do some triage, spend some time evaluating your priorities, and come up with a plan. Choosing to seek professional help outside of your marriage may be a good idea, but you need to be prepared to put a lot of time and effort into the process. You need to reestablish contact with your husband. It really doesn’t look like you have that kind of time in your life, so you are going to need to make time. It’s not being selfish to let the assistant coach take over so you can have a little more time to focus on your priorities. The good news is that you haven’t said anything here that leads me to believe that your husband is in a shell. Sometimes getting things done is more important than getting them done exactly the way that you’d do them. You just need to take a deep breath from time to time and trust that he’s able to help you.

That’s my take on it. I’ll be happy to be a sounding board for you, and even to offer suggestions if you’re open.

 

[Missingmeds]

You need to do some triage, spend some time evaluating your priorities, and come up with a plan. Choosing to seek professional help outside of your marriage may be a good idea, but you need to be prepared to put a lot of time and effort into the process. You need to reestablish contact with your husband. It really doesn’t look like you have that kind of time in your life, so you are going to need to make time.

As a full time college student that is also working, I can honestly say that this is what it boils down to.

Give up the extra stuff. Send the kids, (all of them) to the grandparents or friends for a weekend. Call all bosses and tell them that you need to reconnect with your husband or your marriage is going to do straight out the window.

As a woman, I have never quite understood women who do this. What do you expect a man to do when you have time to volunteer for everything but no time to be intimate with him? Notice I didn't say have sex. I said be intimate. There is a difference and yes, men and women look at intimacy in different ways. You have time to be up all hours of the night doing V-day bags, but can't find the time to offer him a hand job. Something is not quite right here.

There are priorities and boundaries that have to be set. You want the marriage, then tell everyone else no and do what you need to for you and your family and that includes the husband. How many times have I heard a man say that the reason that he got a divorce or that he cheated was that his wife or S/O no longer had the time for him? More than I care to count.

"The kids are more important and they take up all of her time. Then by the time that she gets to me, there is nothing left."

There is your vicious cycle Bobmi.

Mskey, you are super mommying yourself right out of a marriage. He is going to decide one day that he is tired of "leftovers" and move on, if it doesn't stop. So for all that you say that he doesn't do, maybe you should turn the mirror around and look in it and ask what have you done for him lately that would let him know that he is loved and cared about.

Okay folks, flame away.

 

[DarkMuse]

I think pplwatching has hit the nail on the head, again.

You need to compromise with one another and make time for one another. It's not merely about SEX, it's about actually spending time with each other and communicating. Intimacy is not about a hand job or a blow job, it's about knowing one another, and caring for one another, and supporting one another.

The "not having sex" is NOT the issue...it's how "not be able to have sex" has become an issue because of other issues surrounding it. The porn is NOT the issue...it's how he makes time for that, but not for his wife. The busy schedule is NOT the issue...it's about how neither makes time for their own relationship.

As missingmeds said...get a babysitter, or take the kids to the grandparents or a friend, and spend some quality time together. Actually TALK and communicate your needs, and the "whys" to go with it.

Good Luck!

 

[Mskey]

Missing meds~
Why would I flame you? I asked for honest answers didn't I? You are 100% correct in your statement that he will no boubt eventually be tired of seeming as if he's my last priority. Any person would, since last I checked nobody in a relationship wants to feel like they're not wanted, needed, or respected. That goes I'm sure for my husband. No flaming necessary when a truth is spoken my friend.

"The kids are more important and they take up all of her time. Then by the time that she gets to me, there is nothing left."

is actually pretty close to some of the things he's said to me in the past and I will be honest and say that I've retaliated by calling him a selfish prick although stepping back from it I do see a validity to it that during the arguement I was blind to.

pplwatching~

I'm sure part of this is infact PPD or maybe just plain old depression rearing it's ugly head again. ( I've never made it a secret that I've been diagnosed with and medicated for depression in the past though it has/had been under good control for quite some time now. Although if I've learned anything about depression it's that it's a quirky beast, just when you think you understand it....suprise!!!) Combine that with the fact that I KNOW there's to much on my plate right now and you're right it makes a mess of things.
Hubby thankfully is not in a shell and god love him puts up with a lot of my crap. He's a good man, I don't want to paint a picture of him as anything else, but I feel like right now he's pulled away from me- for whatever reasons- and that makes it very difficult for me to put in that effort to unload some of my schedule and be with him just for the sake of being with him.

Now then I have honestly been listening to your advice guys and I've been slowly but surely introducing this topic over the week. Being as non-confrontational as I can and trying my best to make sure it's a times when we can actually just deal with each other and not stop for a kds problem or to walk the dog, or leave for a meeting. Problem is that makes for slim pickins in our schedule and in all honesty we are simply not in a finacial position where we can dump off our legit responsibilities and just hash it out, so we're doing it in incriments. Better then nothing right? Hubby has been remarkably level headed about it stating simply that he doesn't know what magical combo of things I need for him to do to make me believe that he wants me in all aspects of the word -sexual and otherwise. He has also said that he thinks I'm being grossly unfair saying that I feel as if he doesn't want me when I send out signals that to him very clearly say I want to be left alone. We have agreed that we need to establish some better scheduling to find more time to be a "couple" and not just a family unit and that we both agree it's going to be easier to say then to do since we both put our three kids as our top prioroty and they are massively time consuming! And we have both agreed that there are alot of things that need to be worked out and that is going to mean listening without judgement to each other even if we don't like what we're hearing. His big standing point is that he doesn't want this to become all about what HE has done wrong and that I need to accept some of the responsibility for how I feel and the choices I make that facilitate those feelings. He says he'll own up to his mistakes if I can accept that I've made some too and that I have made choices that helped bring things to this point as well. Seems fair enough to me.
I still want any advice I can get and want input on the situation so please keep your perspectives and suggestions coming. They help me to see new faspects of the situation that are outside my somewhat tunneled vision and they are very helpful!

 

[Phoenix Stone]

Sometimes thinking, and even talking, too much gets in the way. I kinda like what Eddy said -- if your kids are old enough to handle it (swapping kids with friends is usually the most comfortable way) -- have a Date!!

DON'T talk about it. Get dressed up, go someplace nice, go dancing, flirt.

DO it, don't THINK about it. Thinking is not the same as doing. Doing helps, thinking can sometimes tie you in knots. Don't blame each other, just stop doing what you're doing by doing something else instead. Hard to fight and dance at the same time. Especially salsa.

To repeat, finding a regular outlet that relaxes you is more important to your childs' well-being than their scouting, or your soccer-momming. sigh. Easier to say than do sometimes, but something that satisfies that deeper person in you, the one you've been forgetting, can often help your perspective, refresh you, etc.

 

[freddyandeddy]

And no more fucking "hippo" comments!!! If you take anything away from all of this, STOP cutting yourself down. You are beautiful, sexy, and loving dammit!

Repeat after me:

"I am NOT a hippo."

"I am NOT a hippo."

"I am NOT a hippo."

Until it sinks in.

 

[herecomestherain]

Yeah! What they said!!! Be nice to yourself sweetie, you have an eight week old baby! I'm admiring the fact that you can string together a coherent, lucid post girl and give energy to all this.
Don't want to sidetrack but Bombi357 "poof"?? We may have a cross cultural gap happening here? Are you saying I'm a homosexual man?LOL

 

[SlowGuy]

Yeah! What they said!!! Be nice to yourself sweetie, you have an eight week old baby! I'm admiring the fact that you can string together a coherent, lucid post girl and give energy to all this.
Don't want to sidetrack but Bombi357 "poof"?? We may have a cross cultural gap happening here? Are you saying I'm a homosexual man?LOL

Rain, sweetie, my PM box now has room, but yours doesn't. LOL.

 

[pplwatching]

Hiya,

If you want some suggestions as to where to start, I have a few but I don't want to presume. Who am I kidding. I love to pontificate and presume. Of course I don't know the first thing about post partum depression, but that's another issue. You can always scroll on by.

Start by writing out a mission and vision statement for your family. A vision statement is an artists rendering of how you envision your life. A mission statement clearly states what you and your marriage seek to accomplish: Why does your marriage exist? What is the ultimate result of your marriage? There should be a clear relationship between your mission and your vision. Work on this with your dear husband (DH).

Mine go something like this :

Vision statement :
My vision is to have my kids grow up healthy, to be well adjusted, loving, and successful in any endeavor they undertake. My vision is to have my love and passion for my wife continue to grow, and to have as much fun as we can in the process.

Mission statement :
My mission is to provide a safe and nurturing environment for my children to grow up in, to teach them to be good people, to provide them with a quality education, to do all of those things that I said in my wedding vows, to nurture our emotional and physical well being, to strengthen my relationship with my wife, and to provide for our financial well being (including retirement).

Everything that you do can be measured in terms of your vision and mission. If you find yourself focusing on other things then come back and use them as your compass, or you can change the statements.

Start by looking at time in terms of these statements. Make up a budget of your time. Make up a list of each recurring commitment that you have. Girl scouts, soccer, etc. Computer spreadsheets are great for this sort of thing, if you have one, but paper works just as well. Add a column and write down how many hours a week you dedicate to that task. Keep the list with you, and add things as you go through your daily routine. Don't forget to add rows for getting the kids and yourself out the door in the morning, doing laundry, and making dinner, both jobs (including drive time), and even sleep.

Now add one more row for working on your marriage. While you're at it, add another one for sex. Put in the number of hours that you either think you need to commit or the number that you would like to commit.

Now add a column called 'priority' and rank how important each commitment is from 1 (lowest) to 10 (highest). Choose your numbers carefully based upon your mission statement. For example (in my case) tinkering with my hot rod is a 1. It’s fun, but fun is a part of the vision and not the mission. Playing guitar and doing creative things are a 4 because they fall into the ‘nurture my emotional well being' part of the mission statement. Working on my marriage is a 10 because if the marriage fails, everything else falls apart. Add them all up and find the average. What is it? (Hint: you don’t want an average of 9 or 10, but only you can decide).

Finally add a column for the tasks that you think that DH can help out with. Ask dear hubby to do the same thing. Just to keep it interesting, don't show each other your lists until you're done.

Your lists are going to do a few things to help you. First it will help both of you understand the demands on the other's time, which is one of the points you talked about earlier. Add up all of those hours. There are 24 * 7 = 168 hours in a week. How does your number compare to that number? What's the ratio of your hours to the total hours? His? If you have 160 hours then 160 / 168 = 95%. (Hint : you don't want to be anywhere near 95% committed). Second, the rows with the DH marks are the tasks that you can discuss and negotiate for help on when you show each other your lists. Third, the priorities give you a place to start looking if you need to reduce your commitments or make touch choices in order to get things back on track.

This is getting long, but I’ll gladly continue if you would like me to. I’d move on to doing this same exercise with money (just in case you’re wondering). I think that having a feeling of confidence about what you're doing and how you're going about doing it will go a long way to improve your self confidence, self esteem, and sex drive.

 

[CelticFrog]

I liked pplwatching's post more than I thought I would... Vision and mission statements tend to lose me for some reason.

Since I have been 'noticeably absent' from this thread (according to some PMs and emails I've gotten), I will put in this and then go about my way.

I have SO been there. I could find almost the exact same post if I searched far back enough.

Something that may help you break up your frantic days, weeks, months, is a website that someone directed me to a while back. I'm not perfect in following this woman's mantra, but when I work on it, my whole life is cleaner, not just my house.
FLYlady

Just one option. And in my opinion, it would mesh well with what pplwatching had to say.

Ang

 

[Phoenix Stone]

Ah, Sheesh! 8 WEEKS postpartum?? How did I miss that? Forget it. Forget the salsa dancing, forget everything I and everyone else said, LoL! Sleep. Repeat after me -- Sleep!

Reminds me of a cartoon I posted on my fridge after baby number 1, which showed a chicken reading Steven Covey's book: 7 Behaviors of Highly Successful People (or whatever it was called), while another chicken says, 'if they're not eating, sleeping, eating, sleeping, eating, sleeping and eating, you're in over your head.'

Postpartum 8 weeks, you my dear, are in over your head. As we All are at that point. If you have any spare time between the eating and the sleeping, you might take a shower, otherwise, forget it. Put your husband online so we can tell HIM a few things instead.

 

[sxylegs]

Hi Mskey....

I agree with Phoenixstone......you need to sleep.....take baths...relax.......but most of all you have to quit thinking.....because your thought pattern is very negative right now....and anything with make you miserable.....
you need to touch and be touched......so forget about all this stuff and just be regular mom....not super mom.....cause you will be a real b....,,,,,,my daughter went thru a period of being "super mom" and it is hard keeping it up.....And nobody seems to care.......

YOU NEED TO RELAX YOUR BRAIN AND BODY!!!!!

If I lived close I would babysit for you so you could get away for awhile......im in Indy....is that close to you????

 

[wicked woman]

mskey

Lots of great advice here. Not sure I have anything to add except that ages ago I was there and it cost me my marriage so listen to your concerns and know they are important.

Just a few comments if I may.

I remember going from the sexy woman my husband feel in love with to a Mom of two children 15 months apart, not having lost the weight I gained during the pregnancies, always exhausted...feeling just ugh about how I looked...forget trying to feel sexy. What I also remember is that my husband still loved me and thought I was attractive. Didn't matter how often he told me I was beautiful to him...I didn't believe it. Wasn't that I didn't believe that's what he thought...I know he did...but if I couldn't feel attractive or beautiful to me then I couldn't believe he could find me so. It was my problem...not his.

I made the mistake of putting my children first...ahead of myself and my husband. Their needs always seemed more urgent and we could wait. While I'd never suggest anyone neglect their children there is a big difference between neglect and being put first. I forgot the whole reason for having children was because my husband and I loved each other...they were a result of our relationship and not meant to replace it. I should have made more time for the two of us. We couldn't wait...our need was just as great.

I won't offer any solutions...I never found them myself...instead divorcing when my children were both under 3. There were other reasons as well...but putting our children first over the two of us was certainly a contributing factor.

I hope you find a solution that works for you. btw agreeing with the comments on having an 8 week old...get some sleep hon.

 

[Fink96]

a frank reply

This not coming from a female view point.

What is the problem with you rolling over grabbing is dick and start to sucking it in the middle of the night. After you get him tall and hard put it where he would love it and move that body of yours. '


Your husband will not probably know what hit him.

You do this off and on and if doesn't response this guy is really 'DEAD'.

This is especially true if when he comes home and you approach him - unzipp his pants and start to suck him and then raise your skirt and move toward him.

This is doesn't too much brains but male instinct and the female doing what can do to make his sexual ego go out of the room.

You do the above and I nearly bet you he will beat you to bed nearly every night wanting what you can do to him.

The rest should be history if the guy is normal.


D J Fink

 

[Mskey]

Re: a frank reply

This not coming from a female view point.

What is the problem with you rolling over grabbing is dick and start to sucking it in the middle of the night. After you get him tall and hard put it where he would love it and move that body of yours. '


Your husband will not probably know what hit him.

You do this off and on and if doesn't response this guy is really 'DEAD'.

This is especially true if when he comes home and you approach him - unzipp his pants and start to suck him and then raise your skirt and move toward him.

This is doesn't too much brains but male instinct and the female doing what can do to make his sexual ego go out of the room.

You do the above and I nearly bet you he will beat you to bed nearly every night wanting what you can do to him.

The rest should be history if the guy is normal.


D J Fink

Fink~ forgive me if I sound pissy in this reply, i asked for honesty and you gave me your honest 2 cents. I can really only answer you with a summation of our daily schedule to answer and hope you see the point.

6:00 hubby is up and out the door to work
7:30 am- rise and shine. let's get the 9 and 4 y/o ready for school while we handle breakfast & feed and change the 2 month old (breastfeed her mind you.)
8:45 out the door to drop everyone off and run the days errands, grocery shopping, bill paying, etc.
12:00 home to lay down and nap for an hour or take a shower and eat.
2:00-6:00 work day job as childcare director to a program of 20 kids age 4-14.
6:00 pick up my kids from daycare, drop off daily figures to branch office.
7:00 dinner (still minus the hubby he's @ school) then finish up homework w/ kids
8:00 baths and bedtime routines for 3 kids.
9:00 hubby is home so get him fed and start the dishes and laundry while he tucks the kiddos in for the night.
10:00 get changed and ready to go to work.
11:00 get the last feeding of the night in w/ the baby while hubby does homework then leave for night job.
12 (midnight)- 4:00 am work night job marshalling and unloading cargo planes for UPS
5:00 AM - back home for first am feeding with baby and then off for 2 hrs of sleep before the day starts again.

Do you begin to see now why I can't just drop everything and suck him off?

WW & sxylegs...what is this sleep thing you speak of? I heard rumpr such a thing existed but am unfamiliar w/ its properties. Seriously tho, ty for your honest responses and friendly advice,i am truly appreciative.
sxy--ahhh indy...so close and yet so far.

pplwatching...ummmm wow! Thats some serious listing you got there but I'm affectionatly or less then affectionatley depending on who ya talk to...lol, known as the list queen so I'll try it. IO'll hafta print your post up for instructions tho...whew! Maybe that'll help having a paper and ink breakdown of things an a knowledge of where they stand in importance in our lives.