A question about women

[Marquis]

You know, I wouldn't like someone to deliberately try to rock our little loveboat either, but a bit of stray sex by either of us is very unlikely to do that. We just don't really see that as cheating, yet we are aware that most people do. Phhtt !! we're human & don't believe that we were really meant to be totally monogamous.

Marquis, I'm curious as to how you define cheating, given your lifestyle. Obviously for you, although you have a regular partner whom you love, your stray sex does not count, except as an experience. Given plenty of options & opportunity, if your sub was to indulge herself this way, would you consider that she was cheating on you?

For us, cheating is essentially deception. I don't hide any of my activities from her and I'd expect the same from her. Our current rules do not allow for her to have sex with others, but occasionally we consider revising this. It would be a difficult thing for me to deal with, but I don't think it wouldn't end our relationship.

There's only so many double standards even a D/s relationship will bear.

 

[incubus'_sub]

Thank you & well said, yes the deception is the cheating, not the sex itself, to us as well.

I do have permission from my Master to go outside the relationship should I choose, as long as I describe it all to him. So far, in 4 years, I have not done so apart from being given to a Dom friend for 2 weeks whilst away on business. In our case my Master finds that a particular turn on. Neither of us would dream of considering it to be cheating or being unfaithful.

 

[graceanne]

Their are other ways an SO can cheat that have nothing to do with sex.

When K was cheating on me it was like I ceased to exist. I'd say "I think I'm getting a cold." and he'd say "Oh, yeah. M's getting one too." I'd slam my finger and he'd go off on how M did something to herself. That hurt way more than him having sex with someone else.

To tell the truth I'm not a jealous person. I could see myself in a polyagamas relationship, but not with K. He can only love one woman at a time, period.

 

[shy slave]

I agree with Grace, for me it wasn't the deception of the sex.

It was the emotional involvement he had with her.

Ok, I would have struggled if he had gone and fucked someone else but it was the way she came first in his thoughts and how he viewed her.

He would describe her as lonely, fragile etc.
God knows I don't want to be those things but after ten years of being with him I could not help but wonder how he viewed me, or if he even saw me.

I put up with mood swings, depression, poor me, his needs to holiday alone, no sex and a poor bank balance for him.
In return he gave what little he had to someone else.

The part that hurt most came later, when he was moving out, was when she talked to me about some things in his past.
I felt betrayed.

The irony is that when I found out I was initially angry but after a few hours calmed down and thought 'Oh well, its done now'
There was no thoughts of trying to make it work, it was a relief to think I would not have him there anymore.

He moved out a few months later and within a few hours it was like he had never been in the boys and my life.

Sad comment for ten years.

He is an ok as a person and now and then we speak.

It does seem that women work on a more emotional level at times than men, I don't see that as weak or needy. I see it more as both sexes giving a 360 degree view of situations.
Women, in general seem to network better, and friends I had on the net did not go into the 'men are evil' routine but allowed me space and time to think about it. Plus writing it down to tell them gave clarity to my thoughts.

It does seem that people can handle things alot better if they know the truth, regardless of which bits are personally hard to deal with. At least you know what you are facing, as oppose to deception where you never know what you will find out next.

(OK I rambled, but thats a personal skill of mine lol)

 

[Vixandra]

Ebony- you're right, no way in hell I would have succeeded if he'd loved her and wanted to be with her. And if he had been, I wouldn't have made another move toward him, though it would have killed a part of me, if he was happy I'd have been content to just be a friend.

I was instrumental in thier breaking up, or rather my views of 'if you're not happy, and it can't be fixed, why stay?' were. Loud mouthed little me.

Was it right- to me at 18 it was. In hindsight- I'd probably do it all over again. Because right or wrong, I love him. I knew it was messed up to flirt with him while he had a g/f but did it anyway. But he flirted back and his g/f couldn't keep him happy, so we're all to 'blame' in this, if there is blame to be cast.


So- in a theoretical set up with Man 1 and Women A and B, if M1's dating WA, then its fucked up for WB to hit on M1 if she knows that 1&A are dating. If M1 hooks up with WB, then he's fucked up. And if WA didn't see it coming or that there was something wrong with her relationship, that's a little messed up too. Yes some people can ignore faults till thier house collapses and others can hide them until you'd think the house never feel, despite walking on sheetrock. Okay enough with the falling house metaphore.

People are adults in the end (at least in this theoretical set up) and will make actions as they will reguardless of the other players. Man1 probably would have found someone else to cheat on WomanA even if B hadn't been around. Yeah, the opportunity was there but others probably would have arrisen.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Ebony- you're right, no way in hell I would have succeeded if he'd loved her and wanted to be with her. And if he had been, I wouldn't have made another move toward him, though it would have killed a part of me, if he was happy I'd have been content to just be a friend.

I was instrumental in thier breaking up, or rather my views of 'if you're not happy, and it can't be fixed, why stay?' were. Loud mouthed little me.

Was it right- to me at 18 it was. In hindsight- I'd probably do it all over again. Because right or wrong, I love him. I knew it was messed up to flirt with him while he had a g/f but did it anyway. But he flirted back and his g/f couldn't keep him happy, so we're all to 'blame' in this, if there is blame to be cast

And that was my whole point. If blame is to be cast, everyone has their share of it. We all have our roles in the demise of our relationships. But in my mind, casting blame is a useless negative activity that leads to bitterness, hatred, and stagnation. I can say this because at 56 years old I have had things happen too, and I have learned and moved on. You can only attract positive people and things to you if you are positive.

As for cheating, if a person wants to cheat they will, if they do not want you to find out, you won't.

Eb

 

[Ebonyfire]

Interesting

Now what I find interesting is the perception that people in this "lifestyle" are more prone to have "stray sex."

That sounds more like swinging to me. Most of the vanillas I know are more prone to a little something on the side.


Eb

 

[Vixandra]

Now what I find interesting is the perception that people in this "lifestyle" are more prone to have "stray sex."

That sounds more like swinging to me. Most of the vanillas I know are more prone to a little something on the side.


Eb

What I did, was at 18 and I wasn't in or even really aware of the 'lifestyle' at the time. Musta missed that class in HS, lol.

I don't think a persons choice of sexual flavor, be it vanilla or hard core BDSM (whatever the world that means) makes a difference in thier likliness to have stray sex. Its the person- the adult that is the deciding factor.

I wouldn't count swinging as cheating, since usually its the couple that does it. Cheating is something they either don't know about or are against but the cheater does it anyway.

 

[Ebonyfire]

What I did, was at 18 and I wasn't in or even really aware of the 'lifestyle' at the time. Musta missed that class in HS, lol.

I don't think a persons choice of sexual flavor, be it vanilla or hard core BDSM (whatever the world that means) makes a difference in thier likliness to have stray sex. Its the person- the adult that is the deciding factor.

I wouldn't count swinging as cheating, since usually its the couple that does it. Cheating is something they either don't know about or are against but the cheater does it anyway.

I was looking at the aspect of multiple partners. That a person in the lifestyle is apt to have more temptation than others. I just do not see that. And I do not see the element of cheating either, because the D/s relationships I see are negotiated to restrict the submissive's sexuality, and allow the dominant to do what he or she pleases provided it does not violate the submissive's limits.

Eb

 

[FurryFury]

Thank you & well said, yes the deception is the cheating, not the sex itself, to us as well.

I do have permission from my Master to go outside the relationship should I choose, as long as I describe it all to him. So far, in 4 years, I have not done so apart from being given to a Dom friend for 2 weeks whilst away on business. In our case my Master finds that a particular turn on. Neither of us would dream of considering it to be cheating or being unfaithful.

I've been thinking about this more and more. I too have "permission" but he wants to know ALL the details, something I'm not at all sure I want to share or that he truly would be able to handle.


Since he knows and agrees, I don't really consider it cheating either. Particularly since I wouldn't be looking for a "fuck" at all but D/s.

Fury

 

[Vixandra]

I was looking at the aspect of multiple partners. That a person in the lifestyle is apt to have more temptation than others. I just do not see that. And I do not see the element of cheating either, because the D/s relationships I see are negotiated to restrict the submissive's sexuality, and allow the dominant to do what he or she pleases provided it does not violate the submissive's limits.

Eb

Can't ever see myself looking into the eyes of a woman I care deeply enough about to call my own and telling her that she can't sleep around but I'ma going lookin' for some tail cause I'm the Domme and you can't stop me.

Okay, really southern style response, but I'm tired and my accent comes out then.

Now if a couple has it negotiated out that the Dom/me is the subs one and only while the Dom/me can do as s/he wishes, that's another kettle of fish. And they're welcome to it.

Communication is the big thing- if either member of the relationship does something not expected/desired/acounted for like cheating on thier partner, that's not right. If its communicated and negotiated and agreed on, green light city.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Can't ever see myself looking into the eyes of a woman I care deeply enough about to call my own and telling her that she can't sleep around but I'ma going lookin' for some tail cause I'm the Domme and you can't stop me.

It seems that everyone around here thinks domination means sex. Maybe in a Male Dom/female sub context that is true, but that is not always the case with Femdoms. I am not saying there is anything wrong with that, but it is an assumption that is not true.


I think I have said this a thousand times, but some of us do not have sex with our submissives. And if we control the sexuality of our submissives, they know the drill and they know what they can do if they do not like it.

 

[A Desert Rose]

It seems that everyone around here thinks domination means sex...

It doesn't? How come I didn't get this memo?
You people leave me out of everything!

 

[Ebonyfire]

It doesn't? How come I didn't get this memo?
You people leave me out of everything!

LOL

It doesn't mean sex to everyone I know, but most people I know do not post here on Lit.

Not many Dommes around here with male subs.

Eb

 

[Vixandra]

My deepest apologies if I implied that domination always involves sex. I know better and that it does not involve sex for many pairs of PYL/pyl.

Meant that to the subject at hand- temptation and cheating and all that jazz, 'cheating' on one's submissive, when they're not told or communicated to about it, that'd be wrong. Not just for emotional reasons but there's some health ones there too assuming sex or any fluid transfer is involved. Used sex as my example because that's what this topic started with, or something to that effect.

Perhaps using sex was not the best of examples.
But cookies just wouldn't have worked either.

Okay time to go get some sleep, that's too odd a mix of formal and informal. I reserve the right to edit if it doesn't make sense later.

 

[Ebonyfire]

My deepest apologies if I implied that domination always involves sex. I know better and that it does not involve sex for many pairs of PYL/pyl.

Meant that to the subject at hand- temptation and cheating and all that jazz, 'cheating' on one's submissive, when they're not told or communicated to about it, that'd be wrong. Not just for emotional reasons but there's some health ones there too assuming sex or any fluid transfer is involved. Used sex as my example because that's what this topic started with, or something to that effect.

Perhaps using sex was not the best of examples.
But cookies just wouldn't have worked either.

Okay time to go get some sleep, that's too odd a mix of formal and informal. I reserve the right to edit if it doesn't make sense later.

We would hope that people who are not in committed relationships are using protection. Unfortunately many people do not.

Eb