A question about something I heard a long time ago

[PinkOrchid]

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Many years ago I remember hearing from a Domme that she thought all dominants should be subs first for a while so they can know what it feels like and have the sensitivity they need to be a good Dom/me.

Wondering what people think about this statement.

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Sounds fair to me...like I learned in the Marines, to know how to lead, you first have to learn how to follow.

 

[Ebonyfire]

This topic was explored in a long thread, and if I remember it drew a lot of heat.


There is no one way to live D/s or BDSM. You just have to find the path that is right for you.

People change, people grow and evolve.

 

[Etoile]

I don't see that there's a need for a Dom to start as a sub, but as I've said elsewhere I think a time on the other side can help both Doms and subs gain a better appreciation for what their partner goes through in their relationship.

 

[Never]

I think the idea of a dom/me starting out as a sub might sound good in theory but fall apart in practice. If you want to be sensitive to someone else's feelings then listen and watch them. If someone is not a sub, what pleasure could they find in submission? More so, if submission is against their nature isn't acting that way likely to produce feelings of discontent, maybe even a bit of hostility?

For instance, I'm not naturally an outgoing person but I decide, for whatever reason, to start acting that way while my friend, who is quite extroverted, will keep to themselves. I talk to people, find it stressful, embarrass myself because I'm not used to that type of interaction. My friend, on the other hand, finds it frustrating that he can't communicate, spends more time alone than he naturally would and feels lonely.

We haven't "learned" anything about why others like what they do. We've just learned more about why we like what we do.

If someone wants to explore their submissive side, more power to them. If they want to get into someone elses head, ask questions and really *listen*.

 

[Netzach]

I think more people could benefit from this than think they could. The idea seems to meet with a lot of resistance, but I think it's valid and valuable. I'm with Etoile, though...it doesn't necessarily have to be linear. And obviously for some people it would not be healthy or productive, but I don't think it's without merit.

There are lots of ways of learning. I know that my style of learning and making sense of the world is very dependent on things I've actually done and experienced and comparing that experience to the issue at hand. So bottoming, for me, was very helpful in learning about being a good top.

 

[Quint]

A thought from a website I can't remember at the moment mentioned a flaw in a dominant trying the submissive route, which is along the lines of what Never said: if it isn't their nature, the amount they can learn from it is extremely limited and biased.

T is neither masochistic nor submissive. Also, his body has much different capacities for pain than mine does--he took a 9" dildo up his ass several years ago without so much as an "ouch!" (Don't ask.) But even if our bodies had the same threshold and I were to give him the same amount of pain he gives me, he would still react differently--he has no motivation to take pain for me! Often, the only reason I can take what he inflicts is the constant thought "he wants me to take this. I want to please him. Therefore, I will take this." What's a dominant going to think?

I do think that a dominant can learn from this--but I think it's crucial that they be aware of the limitations as well.

 

[s'lara]

What's that saying? "Shoe on the other foot" i think.

Whatever.

The point is this - in order to have an "appreciation" for a directly opposite viewpoint, it helps to walk in that persons shoes. There is no guarantee that a Dominant will completely understand what it is to be submissive, but it certainly provides an insight that is sometimes tough to convey with words.

i cast my vote with etoile and Netzach. There are benefits to living in the headspace of a submissive even if it means the Dominant only walks away with a surface appreciation of the role.

lara

 

[Sex & Diamonds]

What's that saying? "Shoe on the other foot" i think.

Whatever.

The point is this - in order to have an "appreciation" for a directly opposite viewpoint, it helps to walk in that persons shoes. There is no guarantee that a Dominant will completely understand what it is to be submissive, but it certainly provides an insight that is sometimes tough to convey with words.

i cast my vote with etoile and Netzach. There are benefits to living in the headspace of a submissive even if it means the Dominant only walks away with a surface appreciation of the role.

lara

Walk a mile in someone else's shoes?

and I would have to agree as well.

 

[FungiUg]

Me personally... I gave it a go, but discovered to enjoy it, one really needs to have the motivation to be submissive. I can see the benifit of being able to understand the mindset, but to be honest, me training as a submissive wouldn't give me any more understanding of that mindset.

So... if it works and gives a better understanding then cool. If not, then there's no point.

I have heard that this is the "traditional" way to train a Dominant, and that no one is a "real Dom" until they have trained this way.

Well, we all know what I feel about the whole "real Dom" concept, so I won't belabour the point.

I'm with Eb on this one.

 

[lilredwolph]

i think a better statment would be that they could learn from "bottoming". playing the part of a submissive would be just that PLAYING, bottoming would be much easier to make happen there would be no need for a person without a submissive bone in their body to submit if they bottomed instead of submitted

 

[WriterDom]

What if there was a CPD (certified public dominant) and a year internship as a sub was required? I can see some value in the experience, but how many would be willing to do it? Especially in Surf City where it is 2 to 1. Or Domme City where it is 15 to 1.

 

[Netzach]

Re: total separation of sub/bottom

I do think that you kinda need a submissive bone in your body to bottom, but not enough to make you anything of a good submissive.

To get tied up, to have things done to you, no matter how many controls you still keep in the situation requires a certain degree, small, but considerable, of letting go of control.

Personally, as a bottom, when I bottomed, I was more attracted to a Top who was able to have done that. I don't think I had it in my mindset or capability to serve or take pain from someone who said they could "never never ever" do the same in any circumstance.

I felt like they'd always secretly be lording it over me. And a lot of times I was right. There's now a kind of stigma on "bottoming up" (a phrase I don't like) especially when Dommes do it, because the purists assume they must really be a submisssive simply because they *can* submit.

Two different things.

A lot of bottoms I know can top. Can run a scene, give a great flogging, create a thrilling roleplay and give good aftercare.

Doesn't make them a Top, nor a Dominant.

It's largely about how a person feels about abilities like those, if they love to do that kind of thing and if it's what makes them happiest.

 

[soapstar]

It would be preferable to me to know that he had been through what he puts me through.

 

[soapstar]

But, as THATS not going to happen Yahoo! Bring it on!

 

[Ebonyfire]

Dominants have started as subs for many years.

A dominant does not have to have a submissive mindset to become a sub for a period of time.

He or she only has to obey.