A poem of mine...

[Dionysian Beast]

"...Mixing in you"

I don't want to
Embrace you longer
That I should.
Making love to you
Soars me to
The peak of madness.
Then,
Childish and stubborn,
I await another soar.

Every time my lips
Find their place on yours;
I slip inside that hole,
Travel over the horizons
And oceans of your being,
Then, from the window of your eyes,
I spread my wings
To the virgin heights of life.

 

[Angeline]

Thanks!

Welcome to the poetry forum and thank you for posting this. You write well, and I enjoyed reading it.

 

[Dionysian Beast]

Thanks. Glad you liked it.

 

[Killswitch]

It doesn't even rhyme.

 

[Dionysian Beast]

It doesn't even rhyme.

Uhm...maybe it's not supposed to?

 

[mojo_cat]

"...Mixing in you"
That I should.

I await another soar.

To the virgin heights of life.

It's definitely got potential, but I think you meant "than" not "that"...sorta changes the meaning

also: reusing an overused word like "soar" in the same stanza is a bit too much; maybe try something more metaphorical, like "rush" or "volley"?

and though i like the phrase "virgin heights of life", i'm left wondering...what exactly does that mean? I got the feeling this poem was written by a newborn baby, speaking of the milk he gets from his mother's breast, and that thing parents do to babies when they throw em around in circles in the air. In that context, "virgin heights" of life would make a lot of sense, since the baby would have no prior experience with anything at all.

In fact, that's kind of a cool idea, a poem from a baby's perspective.

Good stuff, man. Just my suggestions.

 

[Dionysian Beast]

Re: Re: A poem of mine...

It's definitely got potential, but I think you meant "than" not "that"...sorta changes the meaning

also: reusing an overused word like "soar" in the same stanza is a bit too much; maybe try something more metaphorical, like "rush" or "volley"?

and though i like the phrase "virgin heights of life", i'm left wondering...what exactly does that mean? I got the feeling this poem was written by a newborn baby, speaking of the milk he gets from his mother's breast, and that thing parents do to babies when they throw em around in circles in the air. In that context, "virgin heights" of life would make a lot of sense, since the baby would have no prior experience with anything at all.

In fact, that's kind of a cool idea, a poem from a baby's perspective.

Good stuff, man. Just my suggestions.

Yeah, 'than' is what I was after. Don't know why I'd overlooked it.

I don't know. 'Soar' seems quite fitting to me.

And I don't think you were serious about that baby stuff, so I won't discuss it much. Just one small explanation: virgin heights of life = places you've never been to before in your life.

 

[HomerPindar]

Ok, Mojo beat me to the "that/then" stumble but I do wonder about soar still:

I await another soar.

More than the reuse of the word, I'm wondering why "soar" is turned from a verb into a noun. (ok, all you technically savy folks out there, I am right here, right? "I" is the subject, "await" is the verb, "another" is the adjetive to describing...a verb. Now, I know as an English Major I shouldn't have such problems in identifying parts of the language, but I honestly fail at the technical structure of the language, no matter how long I might have been mumbling in it). Now, I looked it up, and flight is a noun, and that would work - "I await another flight." but soar just doesn't flow with me here.

I understand that in poetry one might use one form of the language in another way, but as the rest of the poem is not playing with language the way this one line does. So, I stumble on it.

A rather lengthy examination of a single word here, but that's why we poets use the analogy of hammering at words

Welcome aboard, hope to see more

HomerPindar

 

[Guest]

This has nothing to do with a critique of your poem, but being that you're into Satanism, and now seeing your latest AV, I really wonder if you're someone I knew from high school. Seriously. Would your first name happen to be Randall? Just curious. If not, then I think you've got yourself a doppleganger out there somewhere

Xtaabay

 

[WickedEve]

It doesn't even rhyme.

Hi, D Beast. Not a bad poem.
I'm guessing killswitch was kidding about rhyme, then again, maybe not. Some readers actually believe that all poetry is required to rhyme... but who has the time? (quick gratuitous rhyme)

 

[Dionysian Beast]

This has nothing to do with a critique of your poem, but being that you're into Satanism, and now seeing your latest AV, I really wonder if you're someone I knew from high school. Seriously. Would your first name happen to be Randall? Just curious. If not, then I think you've got yourself a doppleganger out there somewhere

Xtaabay

Nah, I doubt that