a open disscusion on sex vrs love...

[helix27]

Not really lust vrs love but sex. Was reading Malaria's thread. Thinking about her situation. She wants to be more adventurous and her boyfriend isn't quite ready or maybe willing. Just not his thing. No harm in that. My topic I am getting at here is... I am a fairly open and adventurous person in most all areas on intimacy. I have had girl friends, old and as new as the most recent, that are fairly vanilla. So, despite how great my girl may be... In these more vanilla relationships, I, of course, find myself at times longing for the extra thrill in more exploratory intimacy. Most have our set rules (likes and dislikes) when looking for a mate. Such as dark haired, older, open, loving, etc, etc . Whatever it may be for you. So where would one draw the line as far as sex goes. Would you step out of a good serious relationship because the sex, how ever good it may be, isn't quite as adventurous as you may want?

 

[DrHappy]

It's just one of many areas of compatibility. I don't think that it's any different or less legitimate than other areas. We expect to make some compromises in a relationship. Is the mismatch big or small? Lots of small issues or a one big issue can kill a relationship, though it's usually a relationship that isn't meant to be. Maybe a topic like this would be the last straw, even if it's a small issue. Or maybe this is an important "must have" compatibility issue for one person. It's as if one person is a neat freak and the other is messy. Or if one likes to go out and be sociable, and the other would rather stay home and watch TV every evening.

Sadly, sexual compatibility issues are an area that typically won't be discussed until later int he relationship.Ask a single girl that you meet at the Rotary Club if she likes to give blow jobs and she'll never speak to you again, even if she does like to give blowjobs.

 

[EJFan]

i personally feel that a couple's sex life is a manifestation of everything else they share. so, to that end, i think if a couple is happy with one another through the "daily grind" types of things then they'll have a mutually satisfying love life.

for me, i can't say categorically that i'd end a relationship because of the sex wasn't adventurous enough. in my relationships (and maybe i've been lucky) i've found that when i click with someone on non-sexual levels then the sex is exactly what we each want it to be. again, it's that correlation between the routine things and the sexual things.

if, for example, someone is rarely interested in leaving the house then i'm probably not going to be happy with them in a relationship because i like to go out (not necessarily on a date, so to speak, but out getting fresh air and whatnot). that same kind of temperament is likely going to exist for them in the bedroom. it's hard to say exactly how it would manifest itself but it usually will.

i guess what i'm saying is someone who isn't in the same place, sexually, as i am is likely going to exhibit it before we even get the relationship to a sexual level.... and the potential for a mismatch on the degree of adventure is unlikely.

 

[mjl2010]

Sadly, sexual compatibility issues are an area that typically won't be discussed until later int he relationship.Ask a single girl that you meet at the Rotary Club if she likes to give blow jobs and she'll never speak to you again, even if she does like to give blowjobs.

Oh so that's why my problem was

Seriously Dr. I have to disagree. If you don't click with someone then you're not going to make it that far down the line. Like EJFan said, people who are different aren't going to make it anyway. I suppose that some people do get to the point where they say, "Gee Whiz Wally, Why doesn't she like dry anal sex like I do?" and Wally says, "Just play with the beaver, Beaver."

Sex doesn't keep people together. It may work for a while but then everything falls apart. If lack of some particular act is a deal breaker for you, then you'd probably not make it anyway because you're too wrapped up in the sex part to make it past that.

I'd draw the line at frigidity though. That CAN be hard to get past.

Just my HO and .02.

MJL

 

[M's girl]

All of what EJ said plus:

mjl2010: Sex doesn't keep people together. It may work for a while but then everything falls apart. If lack of some particular act is a deal breaker for you, then you'd probably not make it anyway because you're too wrapped up in the sex part to make it past that.

Now shake well and serve cold

Voilá!

 

[Leah57]

All of what EJ said plus:


Now shake well and serve cold

Voilá!

What MG said!!!!

 

[DrHappy]

Seriously Dr. I have to disagree. If you don't click with someone then you're not going to make it that far down the line.

I'm not sure what we don't agree on. I agree with your statement above. Maybe I used poor wording. My point was that intimate compatibility issues (mismatched sex drives, etc...) often get addressed after a couple gets emotionally attached to each other. There are lots of forums where people are dealing with heart breaking sexual compatibility problems, even though the chemistry that initially drew them together may still be there. I agree that Non-sexual chemistry needs to be there for for sexual chemistry to work, and that sexual chemistry isn't likely to be there if the non-sexual chemistry isn't there.

"Ward, I think that you were a little hard on the Beaver last night".

 

[Hippychic]

blah, blah