A muse, a musician, a musical instrument

[roc1knight]

Over my windows there is a spot
full of light, wisdom and genius.
Whenever I look out or think of it,
great or novel vision goes into my eyes.
Now I walk near this place. What I see?
A Godness is dancing, and her charm, and the tempting flesh.
My heart beats as her drum when realized.
And so is the pulse of my temples, her cymbals.
She begins with a sigh like the wind puffs her long hair.
Her toes are nearly touching the ground, so dance with my never ending lust.
As her butt goes down and down, that melody also becomes slower and slower.
Until the legs spread wide open, entering the true movement of the music.
A hand of her moves like a touch from the void.
It comes cross the chest. Two soft but delicate tune.
Then sweeps though the abdomen, there stays the gentle jazz.
At last, fingers rub the low strings. The soprano opens her lips, and begins the solo.
Over her body there is a spot
full of emotion, beauty, and happiness.
Whenever she plays or just showes off it,
beautiful or touching music comes in and out of my heart......

 

[Senna Jawa]

comments

Over my windows there is a spot
full of light, wisdom and genius.
Whenever I look out or think of it,
great or novel vision goes into my eyes.
Now I walk near this place. What I see?
A Godness is dancing, and her charm, and the tempting flesh.
My heart beats as her drum when realized.
And so is the pulse of my temples, her cymbals.
She begins with a sigh like the wind puffs her long hair.
Her toes are nearly touching the ground, so dance with my never ending lust.
As her butt goes down and down, that melody also becomes slower and slower.
Until the legs spread wide open, entering the true movement of the music.
A hand of her moves like a touch from the void.
It comes cross the chest. Two soft but delicate tune.
Then sweeps though the abdomen, there stays the gentle jazz.
At last, fingers rub the low strings. The soprano opens her lips, and begins the solo.
Over her body there is a spot
full of emotion, beauty, and happiness.
Whenever she plays or just showes off it,
beautiful or touching music comes in and out of my heart......​

-
Comments -- Line 1:

Over my windows there is a spot
​

"there is" is a dead language, it contributes NOTHING. If the spot is important, let it do something instead of "there is". Just a possibility:

passers-by watch a spot over my window
​

Now it has a chance to be poetry.

Still about Line 1. You've written "my windows ". This creates the default of the narrator being inside their room in their apartment. This creates an image (whether you want it or not!). But how can the narrator see that spot when the spot is OUTSIDE. We didn't get a REAL image, we got garbage instead of poetry.

Your poem has to be guided by the images you create. This is the most important principle. It's not about logic, being right or wrong politically, etc. No! It is about having true images and about being image-wise consistent.

***

Line 2:

full of light, wisdom and genius.
​

...a spot over your window full of ... wisdom and genius??? Are you crazy? You're imposing on readers some nonsense. There are readers who are such brainwashed snobs that they will buy it. You're already showing "the belly button of the Universe" attitude and style. Regular folks in regular conversations would smirk at you. And the same should go for poetry.

***

I have to STOP. You got the gist, you can continue on your own. Do draw conclusions.

Regards,

***

PS. You're fond of commas. In that case, Grammarly would help you.

PPS. Observe how the default has changed from the original Line 1 to its variation "passers-by...". In the original L1, the narrator, who is inside the room, watches a spot which is outside, over the window -- and this is poetic nonsense. In the variation, the narrator is watching the passers-by. Etc. You can see the rest.

 

[roc1knight]

-
Comments -- Line 1:

Over my windows there is a spot
​

"there is" is a dead language, it contributes NOTHING. If the spot is important, let it do something instead of "there is". Just a possibility:

passers-by watch a spot over my window
​

Now it has a chance to be poetry.

Still about Line 1. You've written "my windows ". This creates the default of the narrator being inside their room in their apartment. This creates an image (whether you want it or not!). But how can the narrator see that spot when the spot is OUTSIDE. We didn't get a REAL image, we got garbage instead of poetry.

Your poem has to be guided by the images you create. This is the most important principle. It's not about logic, being right or wrong politically, etc. No! It is about having true images and about being image-wise consistent.

***

Line 2:

full of light, wisdom and genius.
​

...a spot over your window full of ... wisdom and genius??? Are you crazy? You're imposing on readers some nonsense. There are readers who are such brainwashed snobs that they will buy it. You're already showing "the belly button of the Universe" attitude and style. Regular folks in regular conversations would smirk at you. And the same should go for poetry.

***

I have to STOP. You got the gist, you can continue on your own. Do draw conclusions.

Regards,

***

PS. You're fond of commas. In that case, Grammarly would help you.

PPS. Observe how the default has changed from the original Line 1 to its variation "passers-by...". In the original L1, the narrator, who is inside the room, watches a spot which is outside, over the window -- and this is poetic nonsense. In the variation, the narrator is watching the passers-by. Etc. You can see the rest.

If you can't imagine it, I can't help you either. Yes, I do love comma. I think it's the the belly button of a poem line.(Well here I steal your words.)

 

[Senna Jawa]

If you can't imagine it, I can't help you either.

OK, on this occasion I have wasted my time on you. Oh, well, what's new?

***************************************

Whoever wants to follow:

Readers of poetry should not imagine images, that's the author's job. Readers should faithfully recreate images provided by the author. The poetic image most of the time is not complete but nevertheless, the reader has to recreate it faithfully and eventually fill up the missing elements (different readers may do it in different ways). The readers should go along the text, should never contradict the text. But the text has to make sense to start with.


When the image is self-contradictory then the text is not a poem but junk.

The readers are not to imagine images but only the ideas which follow the images presented by the author.

("Images" here means the whole sensual/dynamic situation which includes sound, temperature, smoothness/roughness, ...).

 

[roc1knight]

OK, on this occasion I have wasted my time on you. Oh, well, what's new?

***************************************

Whoever wants to follow:

Readers of poetry should not imagine images, that's the author's job. Readers should faithfully recreate images provided by the author. The poetic image most of the time is not complete but nevertheless, the reader has to recreate it faithfully and eventually fill up the missing elements (different readers may do it in different ways). The readers should go along the text, should never contradict the text. But the text has to make sense to start with.


When the image is self-contradictory then the text is not a poem but junk.

The readers are not to imagine images but only the ideas which follow the images presented by the author.

("Images" here means the whole sensual/dynamic situation which includes sound, temperature, smoothness/roughness, ...).

Well, I am not saying imagine an image or images while reading a poem does not help. But you say when you read "Over my windows there is a spot", you can't have an image of it. What am I go to say? Explain to you in details about the image in my head? I think I've say enough in my poem. So if you can't understand it, what would make a difference if I put my image in your head. Please! A poem is not a movie. And a poet is not an intruder. Of course, sometimes he does, on purpose. So if you can't understand it, simply leave it. I can advise nothing but to open your mind, see the possibility which you think is impossible.

 

[Senna Jawa]

"Over my windows there is a spot", you can't have an image of it. What am I go to say? Explain to you in details about the image in my head? I think I've say enough in my poem. So if you can't understand it, what would make a difference if I put my image in your head. Please! A poem is not a movie. And a poet is not an intruder. Of course, sometimes he does, on purpose. So if you can't understand it, simply leave it. I can advise nothing but to open your mind, see the possibility which you think is impossible.

My mind is fine. Leave my mind alone. I wish you'd show your linguistic skills in the poem instead in hopelessly defending your text which totally misses poetry in the most trivial ways.

Since when a spot over windowS (plural) has any wisdom and genius? How do YOU see your "image", that image of your superior genius? It's not an image, it's bullshit.

Plural "windows" indicates outdoors. It's not natural to have a SINGLE light spot over SEVERAL windows inside a room. Thus the spot is above your windows outside, on the wall of your house, naturally. But you are inside, you can't see any spot.

You can simply get off your high pony and honestly show us the image which you supposedly see. Otherwise, you're bluffing and it does not work -- if you think that you're a king then know that I see that the supposed king is naked.

 

[roc1knight]

My mind is fine. Leave my mind alone. I wish you'd show your linguistic skills in the poem instead in hopelessly defending your text which totally misses poetry in the most trivial ways.

Since when a spot over windowS (plural) has any wisdom and genius? How do YOU see your "image", that image of your superior genius? It's not an image, it's bullshit.

Plural "windows" indicates outdoors. It's not natural to have a SINGLE light spot over SEVERAL windows inside a room. Thus the spot is above your windows outside, on the wall of your house, naturally. But you are inside, you can't see any spot.

You can simply get off your high pony and honestly show us the image which you supposedly see. Otherwise, you're bluffing and it does not work -- if you think that you're a king then know that I see that the supposed king is naked.

None will think his mind is not fine. Not you, even not me.