A mad as hell 'how to' question

[Lasciel]

What am I doing wrong? If he wants breakfast, I cook it for him. If he wants a blow job, I give him one. If he wants to put it in my ass, where's the lube? I don't (didn't) mess around when it came to keeping him happy. At least I thought.

What's it take to keep a guy???

I think there is also a point where you can be too accommodating. He got to the point where he just assumed that anything he did you would be okay with it and in some way that probably translated to him sleeping around. It sounds to me like you're just desperate to find someone to be with and that he took advantage of that. Like the others have said you need to take a look at how you're choosing your men and what you're really after.

That's my 2 cents for what it's worth. . .

 

[Skoti]

I have two problems with things said on this thread...

Firstly, it's not the woman's fault that a man cheats on her or she happens to choose 2 or more people that cheat on her. The responses to this thread have largely, in my humble opinion, been geared towards blaming this woman for her ex's dick having a habit of falling into the wrong pussy ("scuze me, I must be lost). That's ludicrous. I think you guys are taking her aggressive, angry original post and going on the attack because of it. How is a woman at fault for a man's lack of honor? Some people talk a good game, and there are no signs. You guys really think that people aren't manipulative and sly enough to put up a good front for an extended period of time? If so, you live in a box. A man is solely responsible for his own actions and for upholding his own honor and integrity. To kick this woman when she's down is not only illogical and wrong, but it's a piece of shit move. "Oh, honey, someone you loved and invested part of your LIFE in cheated on you??? It must be because you're stupid!!!" Get real.

Secondly, I have a problem with the bad boy thing. I"m a bad boy. Motorcycles, fights, scars, tattoos, a love of a-shirts (also called wifebeaters), and a pitbull. There's a lot more to it than that, but suffice it to say I'm a bad boy on paper and off. Don't judge someone by their "class" anymore than you'd want to be judged for how you look, your accent, your car, clothes, whatever. I'm low class, bad ass, and I'm proud of it. I'm also an honorable, loving, respectful man who treats everyone with the blunt courtesy and respect they merit. I'm fiercely loyal and steadfast, protective, generous to those I choose, and soft-natured towards just about any animal you can name (that doesn't include people though...). Don't judge people by "class", judge them by who you find them to be.

Lady, your problem is real simple. You picked a couple of assholes. The "dust yourself off" comment was a good one. All you can do is either stay bitter and hurt, and shy away from the possibility of love, or just chalk it up and keep moving. There ARE good men out there. Find you one, or don't.

As far as taking your anger out on someone, I can understand that. It's exactly what I used to do growing up in a fucked up life. I hated everyone and everything, and I took it out on a lot of people. It only made me more volatile and uncontrollable. I wouldn't recommend it. The whole BDSM thing, from what I know, is this HUGE gift of trust, love, and faith that the other person will keep you safe. What man would put himself in your hands when you're this angry? I know I wouldn't. Don't take that road. BDSM is awesome but what you want is a punching bag. The comments about taking self-defense classes is a perfect bit of advice, and if I were you I'd get on it quick.

When you meet men, guage their honor. A man is only as good as his word, and his word incompasses his loyalty and fidelity to his woman. There are men out there that will not cheat, who view it as a lessening of themselves not to be borne. Get better about reading people, don't lose hope or romantic ideals, and keep searching. And for the love of the gods, don't listen to these douchebags saying it's your fault. Unless you grabbed him by the cockle and threw him in a stray pussy, it ain't your fault.

 

[Skoti]

Sorry for double post, but I had an idea.

Why not combine the two? You want a man who is honorable and in control of himself, and has strong values and morals? And I bet you wouldn't mind having a hard, strong body to rub up against...why not go to a Martial Arts dojo then? Wouldn't that be a GREAT place to meet men (and take it SLOW) who actually have something they'd stand for? Codes of honor they believe in and LIVE? Not only that, you'd have a great outlet, and get in better shape. And be able to kick some ass if you ever needed to. Plus...I think you'd learn a lot about yourself and be more at peace and self-assured. Martial arts teaches that, I hear.

It's ok. I know I'm brilliant. It's not easy being the most insanely intelligent man in the known universe, but I do the best I can.

 

[Noor]

Firstly, it's not the woman's fault that a man cheats on her or she happens to choose 2 or more people that cheat on her. The responses to this thread have largely, in my humble opinion, been geared towards blaming this woman for her ex's dick having a habit of falling into the wrong pussy ("scuze me, I must be lost). That's ludicrous. I think you guys are taking her aggressive, angry original post and going on the attack because of it. How is a woman at fault for a man's lack of honor? Some people talk a good game, and there are no signs. You guys really think that people aren't manipulative and sly enough to put up a good front for an extended period of time? If so, you live in a box. A man is solely responsible for his own actions and for upholding his own honor and integrity. To kick this woman when she's down is not only illogical and wrong, but it's a piece of shit move. "Oh, honey, someone you loved and invested part of your LIFE in cheated on you??? It must be because you're stupid!!!" Get real.

Secondly, I have a problem with the bad boy thing. I"m a bad boy. Motorcycles, fights, scars, tattoos, a love of a-shirts (also called wifebeaters), and a pitbull. There's a lot more to it than that, but suffice it to say I'm a bad boy on paper and off. Don't judge someone by their "class" anymore than you'd want to be judged for how you look, your accent, your car, clothes, whatever. I'm low class, bad ass, and I'm proud of it. I'm also an honorable, loving, respectful man who treats everyone with the blunt courtesy and respect they merit. I'm fiercely loyal and steadfast, protective, generous to those I choose, and soft-natured towards just about any animal you can name (that doesn't include people though...). Don't judge people by "class", judge them by who you find them to be.

Lady, your problem is real simple. You picked a couple of assholes. The "dust yourself off" comment was a good one. All you can do is either stay bitter and hurt, and shy away from the possibility of love, or just chalk it up and keep moving. There ARE good men out there. Find you one, or don't.

As far as taking your anger out on someone, I can understand that. It's exactly what I used to do growing up in a fucked up life. I hated everyone and everything, and I took it out on a lot of people. It only made me more volatile and uncontrollable. I wouldn't recommend it. The whole BDSM thing, from what I know, is this HUGE gift of trust, love, and faith that the other person will keep you safe. What man would put himself in your hands when you're this angry? I know I wouldn't. Don't take that road. BDSM is awesome but what you want is a punching bag. The comments about taking self-defense classes is a perfect bit of advice, and if I were you I'd get on it quick.

When you meet men, guage their honor. A man is only as good as his word, and his word incompasses his loyalty and fidelity to his woman. There are men out there that will not cheat, who view it as a lessening of themselves not to be borne. Get better about reading people, don't lose hope or romantic ideals, and keep searching. And for the love of the gods, don't listen to these douchebags saying it's your fault. Unless you grabbed him by the cockle and threw him in a stray pussy, it ain't your fault.

I wasn't blaming her for his cheating, he is the scum here. She asked what she had done wrong and what one needed to do to keep a man, and her description of what she did sounded kind of doormatish which is why I responded the way I did.

I don't think she should find a guy to use as a whipping post.

One of my friends deals with her anger at people by writing there name on a piece of paper and sticks it to the bottom of her shoe so she can walk on it all day. I find shredding or burning stuff that reminds me kind of nice. You can write everything down in a slam journal, all the anger, say whatever you want, keep at it until you get out everything you want to say, then burn it and let it all go.

 

[NippleMuncher]

Firstly, it's not the woman's fault that a man cheats on her or she happens to choose 2 or more people that cheat on her. The responses to this thread have largely, in my humble opinion, been geared towards blaming this woman for her ex's dick having a habit of falling into the wrong pussy ("scuze me, I must be lost). That's ludicrous.

I can tell you at least for myself that is neither what I said nor what I meant. I also doubt anyone else was intimating that it's her fault these guys were assholes.

The OP's role in the "choice" is that she willing enters into relationships - by choice, not coercion - with men of a certain type that she finds attractive. The men that she's finding attractive exhibit the traits of being assholes, cheaters, abusers, etc. Call that being a "bad boy", an asshole, call it what you like, the fact still remains that she's attracted to this personality type and trait. She knowingly plays with fire and then gets pissed off when she gets burned.

What the OP should be doing is recognizing that these personality traits that she's finding attractive, leads to the behaviors she's recounting and getting angry about. From there she can then consciously decide if she wants to continue to play with the fire or learn from it and find a new set personality traits to be attracted to, preferably traits that don't lead to cheating and abusive behaviors. THAT is what I meant by the OP "choosing" to be in those relationships.

 

[Eilan]

I can tell you at least for myself that is neither what I said nor what I meant. I also doubt anyone else was intimating that it's her fault these guys were assholes.

The OP's role in the "choice" is that she willing enters into relationships - by choice, not coercion - with men of a certain type that she finds attractive. The men that she's finding attractive exhibit the traits of being assholes, cheaters, abusers, etc. Call that being a "bad boy", an asshole, call it what you like, the fact still remains that she's attracted to this personality type and trait. She knowingly plays with fire and then gets pissed off when she gets burned.

What the OP should be doing is recognizing that these personality traits that she's finding attractive, leads to the behaviors she's recounting and getting angry about. From there she can then consciously decide if she wants to continue to play with the fire or learn from it and find a new set personality traits to be attracted to, preferably traits that don't lead to cheating and abusive behaviors. THAT is what I meant by the OP "choosing" to be in those relationships.

Exactly. I don't see any of the posts as "blaming" the OP.

If there's some sort of pattern going on in her relationships, then I think it would be worth it to her (and her future relationships) to reflect on both the pattern that's been established and her role within that dynamic. She may not be able to change someone else's behavior, but she can control how she reacts to that behavior and learn from the experience.

 

[subwannabe]

I agree with everyone here. I also wasn't trying to say it was her fault. But, she does have to take some responsibility - as in choosing better people to date or dumping ones she is dating as soon as she finds out he is a jerk. Everyone has dated the wrong person at some time in their life and hopefully they discover it as soon as possible and take appropriate action. Too many women continue putting up with it and even if they make the right choice in dumping the idiot, they often continue going out with the same type of person. There could be many reasons for this but the important thing is to figure out a plan to break the cycle. I am in charge of hiring people and I often say that every hiring manager is going to make mistakes and hire the wrong person from time to time. The successful hiring person is the one who is willing to understand that he fucked up hiring someone and terminate them ASAP, even if it is for being late one minute.

I did say that as a whole, women put up with jerks and idiots way too much and as a result there are many jerks and idiots out there because they know that if they get dumped it's easy pickins to find another woman to do the same thing with. Judge shows on TV have a constant stream of male losers who are taking advantage of the women in their lives. If all women got together somehow and refused to date these losers there would be less losers in the world. Bottom line is guys want sex and if they can treat a woman like shit, use them financially and otherwise, cheat on them, and still get sex from them, why should they change?

 

[Hhot]

So right now I really want to abuse someone. Bad. Not in a chains and whips sorta way, but something like that. I want to make some dude my bitch. I want to make him cry. I don't even want to know his effin name. But I don't even know how to begin. Do I just go out and ask? Post on craigslist? what?

Are you kidding? Displacement isn't going to solve your boyfriend issue.

Tie him up in his bed (after his blessing.) Get him hard. Then leave him there.

Tip: Use real cuffs. Flush the key down the toilet.

 

[Skoti]

Smoke/fire

My whole thing with this malarky is that whatever was INTENDED is moot. I can tell my fiance "my, you look far less fat in that dress". I would, of course, mean it as a compliment. Would it be the best choice of words? I doubt it. Would it help her self image? Decidedly not. Use some common sense here, people.

I find it interesting to note that I didn't have to name any names at all. The ones who were guilty of, at the least, choosing their words carelessly, seemed to jump all over themselves to defend themselves. Generally the defensive feel some reason to defend themselves, in both mine and Freud's experience.

If you'd like to be helpful, at least choose your words carefully. The road to hell etc.

If anyone would like me to quote some OBVIOUSLY negative and accusatory statements to prove my point, I'd be more than happy to, though it's off topic. What you attempted to do and what you DID are, unfortunately, two very different things.

 

[NippleMuncher]

I find it interesting to note that I didn't have to name any names at all. The ones who were guilty of, at the least, choosing their words carelessly, seemed to jump all over themselves to defend themselves. Generally the defensive feel some reason to defend themselves, in both mine and Freud's experience.

It is far more likely your negative outlook that chooses to see things out of context or in ways other than intended than it is the fault of those who offered their perspectives on the issue at hand. You, of course, will disagree with that and still choose to call us what you will.

And Mr. Wisdom, with your all of 7 posts, why don't you get to know the group to which you are condescending before you so quickly dismiss us. If you'd like me to choose my words more carefully to convey my true feelings for your thoughts, I'll gladly use smaller words, and simple sentence structure so that you may fully understand those words for their true meaning.

 

[Skoti]

Dumb it down, by all means. I'd hate for you to feel out of your comfort zone.

It is far more likely your negative outlook that chooses to see things out of context or in ways other than intended than it is the fault of those who offered their perspectives on the issue at hand. You, of course, will disagree with that and still choose to call us what you will.

And Mr. Wisdom, with your all of 7 posts, why don't you get to know the group to which you are condescending before you so quickly dismiss us. If you'd like me to choose my words more carefully to convey my true feelings for your thoughts, I'll gladly use smaller words, and simple sentence structure so that you may fully understand those words for their true meaning.

Apparently you'd like this to dissolve into a childish and petulant volley of insults. I'm sorry you feel that, way, but I'd much rather not fall into it.

I don't think it's necessary to have posted a certain number of times to speak intelligently about this thread, or this subject. I'm sorry that you seem to feel that me posting 7 times (if thats how many I've posted, I know *I* certainly haven't checked...why have you?) means that my point isn't valid. They're not so easily dismissed, simply because, taken IN THE CONTEXT OF THIS THREAD, a blind monkey would see several people making more critical and accusatory statements directed to this chick. If you feel offended, I'd take a look at why you feel so.

I don't have a particularly negative outlook to much of anything...with the likely exception of the way folks seemed to, by intent or otherwise, castigate a woman who was reaching out trying to, in an admittedly confused and angry manner, seek help. I didn't really think that several posts on how it was her fault, she chose these men, was particularly helpful. If your feelings got hurt by my indirect "insult" to your wisdom, compassion, and carriage, then I am profoundly apologetic. I just thought that maybe all that crap had a place, but maybe not when she's so obviously overwrought. Please forgive me. I didn't mean to trod on anyone's sensitivities.

In the future I will ensure that my proclivities for calling bullshit and defending someone who doesn't particularly deserve poor treatment when in a fragile, hurt state doesn't hurt your feelgoods.

Until that far-off and distant day, my new friend, please feel free to take your childish shit elsewhere.




***And looking back, I can see that I did in fact, throw out a blanket insult to the people I felt were being douchebags. I called them douchebags. I probably shouldn't have been so honest about my thoughts or feelings on it. I'm not particularly good at tact, nor would I choose to be. If someone is acting like an asshole, I have no problems calling them an asshole. I'm guilty of that state of being myself, and own it when I am. Try it...it's funner than it looks.***

 

[Skoti]

So funny, and so PERFECT

Are you kidding? Displacement isn't going to solve your boyfriend issue.

Tie him up in his bed (after his blessing.) Get him hard. Then leave him there.

Tip: Use real cuffs. Flush the key down the toilet.

That's so fitting, but I do have to say it's just not feasible. Under both federal and most state laws, that constitutes kidnapping, and in most states it's an automatic prison-time offense of 5 years or more. It'd be so perfect though.

 

[NippleMuncher]

***And looking back, I can see that I did in fact, throw out a blanket insult to the people I felt were being douchebags. I called them douchebags. I probably shouldn't have been so honest about my thoughts or feelings on it.

Therein lies the rub and the comment about your lacking sufficient posts to make such statements of the regulars that contribute to this area of the board. You cannot enter a long standing group, misinterpret what was posted, and throw insult without being called out.

Seeing that you are willing to own up to your mistake, I too will concede that I could have handled the situation a bit more tactfully.

 

[Skoti]

Owning Up

While I stand by the perception I have that the statements made weren't altogether constructive, I readily admit that not only do I make mistakes, I make them regularly enough that my aspirations to godhood are still a little ways off from realization. At least a week.

Regardless, my number of posts don't mean much of anything except that people in this "long-standing group" might have less acceptance of my insights, input, or views. But that brings me to the following point...Wisdom, much like honor, has the same value regardless of the source. It might interest you to know that I've gotten a few PM's supporting my admonitions on this thread, although they may have less than approving views of my method of delivery. Me posting 5 times or 5 million times wouldn't make my admonitions any less astute or apt. It would simply signify that I joined and was active for a certain amount of time without increasing or decreasing the value of the insights themselves. Elitism is a dangerous thing, and seems sort of laughable in this forum.

Additionally, your comment about "Since you're willing to own up to your mistake, I will too", is notable in that it really shouldn't be a prerequisite for you to recognize, as a man and adult, any mistakes you make. Don't own up to anything for my sake, or in answer to something I do. That gives other people far too much power over what sort of person you are. I own up to my mistakes and errors because I'm a man, and though I've a long list of faults, my code dictates that I struggle against my lesser aspects on my journey through life, so I do. I become better for the sake of becoming better, and being the sort of person I want to be. Food for thought.