A la recherche du temps perdu....aka... help

[Vermilion]

A la recherche du temps perdu....aka... help me

As I write this I hope that the Fiance remains as uninterested by the AH as he has previously displayed signs of, because what I'm about to type could cause massive insecurity issues should he ever come across it.

I could talk to family or friends about it, but, tbh, I'm a little ashamed to mention it to some and the few who I could talk to are too busy right now, so I am opening up to you, my non-judgmental, ever-kind friends of the AH.

In just over a year I am going to be married to a wonderful man, who I love. Every time we argue and resolve it our relationship grows a little stronger, we are each weak, normal human beings, but when we lean on each other we hold each other up; are stronger together.

But a little corner of my heart still belongs to someone else.

An unresolved, never-quite-a-relationship from when I was an innocent youth lingers like a bad smell in my current relationship. Whilst I am happy and secure with the Fiance still there is a part of me that wonders, that says 'what if?'

A long time ago (nearly ten years now) I was friends with... let's call him Harry. He was a friend of my then-boyfriend's so nothing untoward happened. We spent a lot of time talking (he was my intellectual equal - even my superior, unlike the then-boyfriend), with him I discussed aspects of myself I hadn't really mentioned to anyone else before, we talked about sex as well as more erudite topics.

After a very messy break-up with the then-boyfriend (involving another friend - don;t ask) I hoped to begin a relationship with Harry. He kissed me and it was earth-shaking, I was so turned on by him in every way.

Then there was a very odd evening... I admit it, I don;t remember much. I was paralytic. So drunk. I got maudlin, then violent (I have always been a bad drunk) I was still mixed up about the break-up, because it was my first relationship and even though I'd been the one to sod it up I was a bit battered from it.

I think I made Harry uncomfortable. I wanted him to admit he was with me. I wanted to be open about our burgeoning relationship. When I got very drunk I was horrible. I think I may have tried to be violent (unsuccessfully, but does that matter?)

Anyhow. He never spoke to me again.

Seriously. From that moment on I was ostracised from his world completely.

Time moved on, he started dating a girl from my school (he's still dating her amazingly) and I moved on too. Serial monogamist that I was I went from slightly crap man to slightly crap man until now. I've found a great man, but I still... wonder about Harry. Even hanker after him.

And now a 'social networking site', a well-known one, that I don;t want to mention in case it outs me too badly, has allowed me to see photographs of him, to find out a little something about his life now.

I am a scary stalker-type person. Bloody, fucking internet.

And I feel so odd. I still love the Fiance, still want to marry him, but this really nauseous feeling inside me stirs every time I think of Harry and sometimes I still *think* about him, I hope I don't have to spell that out for you.

Anyone feel this way and able to get over it? Any advice? How do I exorcise him? I want to stop thinking about him. If I'm honest it still bugs me enormously that he thinks badly of me: judges me by that stroppy, hormonal, idiotic, drunken *teenager* that I *was*. I'm not that person any more and I am sickened that he doesn;t know that... but I shouldn't care, should I?

Oh fuck.

x
V

 

[mismused]

delete

 

[mismused]

delete

 

[amicus]

This is 'girl food' right, so why the hell would the devil incarnate Amicus, even offer a comment?

Sighs...

a couple things...

Kinda 'Harry Met Sallyish', isn't it, the Billy Chrystal/Meg Ryan thing, trust my overfilled memory bank.

Secondly your comment about 'intellectual equals...', reminded me of two things, first, my oldest daughter, whom I suggest, has a conflict quite like yours.

Finally, the 'flammable' portion of my thoughts, women never marry intellectual equals. Never. They flirt with them, the fuck them, they tease them, but they never, ever, marry them. Why?

Because women are basically cowards and must be intellectually dominant in a relationship. They always choose a lesser intellect to maintain that superiority that nature denied them.

Since men don't choose, we only ask, the onus is in your court ladies, you choose and ya gotta face that and admit it.

Unless you want to live a 'Jane Austen' life, or perhaps be an "Owl and a Pussycat" and a hundred more references, marry the dummy and dream about what might have been.

Women suck.

ahem...

Amicus (been there, done that)

 

[Vermilion]

This is 'girl food' right, so why the hell would the devil incarnate Amicus, even offer a comment?

Sighs...

a couple things...

Kinda 'Harry Met Sallyish', isn't it, the Billy Chrystal/Meg Ryan thing, trust my overfilled memory bank.

Secondly your comment about 'intellectual equals...', reminded me of two things, first, my oldest daughter, whom I suggest, has a conflict quite like yours.

Finally, the 'flammable' portion of my thoughts, women never marry intellectual equals. Never. They flirt with them, the fuck them, they tease them, but they never, ever, marry them. Why?

Because women are basically cowards and must be intellectually dominant in a relationship. They always choose a lesser intellect to maintain that superiority that nature denied them.

Since men don't choose, we only ask, the onus is in your court ladies, you choose and ya gotta face that and admit it.

Unless you want to live a 'Jane Austen' life, or perhaps be an "Owl and a Pussycat" and a hundred more references, marry the dummy and dream about what might have been.

Women suck.

ahem...

Amicus (been there, done that)

Darling Ami, I don't think you read my post properly. The intellectual dummy was my first boyfriend - from ten years ago. We long ago split up.

The Fiance is an intellectual giant. I can only find attractive those people who can outwit me and withstand my slightly bullying approach to relationships, that's why all my friends and my lover and strong, bossy, intelligent people.

The Fiance is (literally, I might add) a rocket scientist. He forces me to stretch my intellect and understanding every time we have a conversation (even when I ask him what he wants for dinner and there are only 4 things in the 'fridge!)

I am, however, agog to hear your thoughts on this matter, Ami, but perhaps you could try understanding the situation first...?

Mismused... you're right, I think a large part of the problem is that thinking about Harry and being with him makes me feel 16 again. Full of sparkle and fizz, hope, optimism, energy and hormones - a volatile mix. Very different from my current attitude of "so what"...

Still not entirely sure how to tackle this issue though...
x
V

 

[Caitano]

Such a helpful man.

 

[Guest]

Such a helpful man.

Well, he doesn't like relationships with women.

He prefers little girls.

 

[Vermilion]

Well, he doesn't like relationships with women.

He prefers little girls.

<puts on heavy French accent>

S'ank 'eaven for leetle grrrls,
for leetle grrls get beeger every day...

</accent>

x
V

 

[amicus]

Hmmm...

"...A long time ago (nearly ten years now) I was friends with... let's call him Harry. He was a friend of my then-boyfriend's so nothing untoward happened. We spent a lot of time talking (he was my intellectual equal - even my superior, unlike the then-boyfriend), with him I discussed aspects of myself I hadn't really mentioned to anyone else before, we talked about sex as well as more erudite topics.

After a very messy break-up with the then-boyfriend (involving another friend - don;t ask) I hoped to begin a relationship with Harry. He kissed me and it was earth-shaking, I was so turned on by him in every way..."

~~~

Well pardon me for not fully understanding the above. It was rather, uh, well, obtuse, I think.

Does it still not boil down to what I asserted before, but from a slightly different perspective?

If you do not acknowledge what I see to be fact, that smart men marry dumb women and smart women marry dumb men, then, yes, I guess you really don't see my point of view.

It is not necessarily a 'bad' thing, as opposites often compliment and almost make the sum of the parts greater than simple addition.

I never expected to be understood by many of this forum, as so many are totally immersed in belief or ideology, but it would be nice, just now and then, for some other advocates of reality to emerge and at least clap one hand.

Amicus...

 

[amicus]

Well, he doesn't like relationships with women.

He prefers little girls.

~~~


Ah, sweets, you just can't resist the personal attack, can you?

I have had a hundred women like you; those who reach down and grab my dick to guide me in for what they want and stick their finger up my ass when they want what they want.

Yeah, I grew tired of cynical, worldly 'women' that you represent. Do I prefer, did I prefer a less experienced younger, less 'used' woman. Yes indeed.

Bite me.

Amicus

 

[amicus]

<puts on heavy French accent>

S'ank 'eaven for leetle grrrls,
for leetle grrls get beeger every day...

</accent>

x
V

~~~

Ah, Maurice Chevalier, was it not? (forgive my spelling of his name if incorrect).

There is also Rex Harrison, from, the Pigmalion adaptation, "My Fair Lady", or the "Taming of the Shrew"

Lusty Ladies, who abound here on the AH forum, would know nothing of 'innocence' or even sexual experience, as most seem to have begun at a very early age, in terms of lasting relationships or fulfillment, or lifetime perspectives.

I think I have implied this before if not outright said it, that the Muslim Fundamentalists, who want to keep women under control, may have something going for them as the 'ladies' are completely out of control in the western world.

By the way...I never read anyone from France on the forum...a reason for that?

So, yes, "Thank Heaven for Little Girls"...they have the joy of life soon lost by the mature female who plots and plans and corrupts all around her.

Hear! Hear!

Amicus...

 

[BlackShanglan]

Amicus? Obtuse?

One is accustomed, of course, to seeing the words brought together, but not generally under his guidance.

Personally, I found the sentences which appear to have baffled Amicus to be quite clear, but I'm sure that that won't dissuade our friend from continuing to post, as I'm familiar with his belief that he hasn't been proved wrong on any topic until he stops talking. I think that this might be the root of those bitter comments about women not marrying their intellectual equals.

At any rate, your dilemma. It's an interesting one because of the two parts of it. If you were just pondering the "what if" of a relationship that was prevented by chance or of a person you'd never had any real connection with, I'd be tempted to see it as the sort of idealization of an early romance that can happen when the thing is never tested by reality. But then there's that dreadful moment of complete shut-off from Harry, and I honestly feel how painful that is. I managed something similar once, years ago, and it was intensely painful to me. I went to great lengths to try to redeem myself at the time it occurred, was rebuffed repeatedly and quite shortly, and was miserable about it for years. I was finally offered a word of forgiveness quite unexpectedly, and it was an immense relief.

And strangely enough, we've hardly spoken since. That hasn't bothered me. Going seperate ways I could accept, and I've never been much of a correspondent; it was that terrible knowledge of the final judgement that had been made of me by someone I cared for that gnawed at me, and the inability even to feel that my apologies could be accepted or my remorse seen as genuine by someone whom I had deeply offended. I don't know if it's the case with you, but for me a substantial part of the pain of it was knowing that the only reason my friend could have been so obdurate against me was that I had wounded very deeply indeed, and that so long as there was only silence between us, my friend could not know or believe how sincerely I regretted it.

I wonder if this is the case with your friend, with whom you seem to have had a close relationship. If it is, I personally would try contacting him. I wouldn't ask for anything from him; I would simply send as simple and sincere an apology as I could, and hope that it might be accepted. I wouldn't try to arrange to meet with him or chat, both because of the Fiance and because, to be truly sincere, an apology cannot ask for anything. It must only attempt to undo some of the hurt one's actions caused. I think you'll feel better, yourself, for having at least attempted it, and it might indeed dispell some of those lingering musings about Harry.

Just my tuppence -

Shanglan

 

[jomar]

A quickie because I have to run...

One, back then you were a starry eyed teenager, and two, it sounds like it was over before it really began. So you didn't have the full arc of the relationship, which, in all probability, wouldn't have lasted anyway. Even if it did, would you have pushed to marry him? If so, I doubt it would have lasted - that he's still dating the woman says he's not ready to marry. Also, the fact that he didn't talk to you again says something about his ability to handle interpersonal problems (of course, he was also a teenager then, I assume).

It's natural to wonder "what if" but the grass over there really isn't greener than what you have now.

Best wishes,V.

 

[Vermilion]

Amicus? Obtuse?


I wonder if this is the case with your friend, with whom you seem to have had a close relationship. If it is, I personally would try contacting him. I wouldn't ask for anything from him; I would simply send as simple and sincere an apology as I could, and hope that it might be accepted. I wouldn't try to arrange to meet with him or chat, both because of the Fiance and because, to be truly sincere, an apology cannot ask for anything. It must only attempt to undo some of the hurt one's actions caused. I think you'll feel better, yourself, for having at least attempted it, and it might indeed dispell some of those lingering musings about Harry.

Just my tuppence -

Shanglan

Ignoring Ami for a moment, who seems to have taken my very personal and slightly painful post as a chance to have a rant at the female sex's expense,
I guess I have only one thing to say in response to your suggestion, Shanglan. I'm just too scared to open that can of worms.

x
V

 

[Vermilion]

Well pardon me for not fully understanding the above. It was rather, uh, well, obtuse, I think.

yes, sometimes it's difficult to fully vocalise painful thoughts, or complex situations from years long gone without getting overly complicated or boring- I didn;t want to alienate my 'audience'.

Does it still not boil down to what I asserted before, but from a slightly different perspective?

If you do not acknowledge what I see to be fact, that smart men marry dumb women and smart women marry dumb men, then, yes, I guess you really don't see my point of view.

I'm sorry, but I just don;t see how this is relevant Ami? I am (I think) a strong intelligent woman, attracted to similar men and women and what I am talking about now has nothing to do with the intelligence of the parties involved, but about my feelings for them. I haven't had contact with Harry for many years now, but I don;t imagine he is greatly different from the Fiance in many ways.

My relationships with intellectually inferior men always collapse. How can you love someone you don;t admire or respect?

It is not necessarily a 'bad' thing, as opposites often compliment and almost make the sum of the parts greater than simple addition.

I never expected to be understood by many of this forum, as so many are totally immersed in belief or ideology, but it would be nice, just now and then, for some other advocates of reality to emerge and at least clap one hand.

Amicus...

But for what do you wish us to applaud you Ami? I just wanted a little support and advice, not abstract theorising on the nature of relationships that holds to be (in my case at the very least) fundamentally untrue.

x
V

 

[rgraham666]

*HUGS* V. Pain fades.

 

[S-Des]

You should care, but maybe not for the reasons you might think you're feeling you should. Frankly, it sounds as if you have a case of rejection's bad feelings being carried over, and not resolved internally. Uh, only honesty with yourself can resolve that. Look at the feeling honestly: is it him, or is it just you wanting to justify, or redeem your former very early error that has plagued you since then, or some such, yourself? I still have some of those in me, but I know that was back when - still bug me though - but doesn't incapcitate me.

Good luck. You seem to need to really resolve this for the sake of your future emotional self, not to mention the fiance.

I agree with this 100%. Most people tend to want what they can't have, and agonize over what they've lost (or maybe never had to begin with). It's not healthy, and not one of our better traits, but it's our reality. I can never get Michelle out of my mind. My first real love, and the one I always pictured myself marrying. She was beautiful, had an incredible body, and was kind, loving & vulnerable. She was younger than I, which doomed the relationship, and when our paths crossed years later, I realized that we were not remotely compatible and was greatful things hadn't worked out. Still, the side of my brain that refuses to be rational remembers the bliss we shared for that short time (probably adding components that were never really there) and wonders if I couldn't be that happy again. The truth is, I can't. It was a different time and I was a different person. Now I can love in a completely different way, one that I couldn't have imagined at the time.

 

[BlackShanglan]

I guess I have only one thing to say in response to your suggestion, Shanglan. I'm just too scared to open that can of worms.

x
V

Mmmm. If that's "scared" as in "scared that he'll say something horribly painful about my actions and shame me even further," I would still press through with it. The odds are that he won't, and if you'll genuinely sorry, the risk must be taken. Giving someone the chance to inflict that sort of damage is, itself, a very profound form of apology; whether it is accepted generously or not, it is made, and if remorse is the chief of your problems, it may still clear some of the clutter away.

If, however, you mean "scared" as in "scared that any contact with him will lure me away from my current Fiance and into a wild fling at this tempting piece of my past," then I'd agree that contact is not wise. But I'd think carefully over the question of what you find so tempting about this person. Is it the idea that a new romance with him could wipe away that painful memory you have of your parting? If so, it's best to push the romance away and focus on making up for that ugly scene. Is it that he embodies some qualities that your Fiance doesn't have? If that's the case, it's time to sit down and very soberly consider whether this is a case of wanting whatever isn't currently accessible, or whether it's a serious sign that you're missing something from your current relationship. Is it possibly that this is one of those cases of the untried relationship looking appealing because it never had to face the realities and daily annoyances of life? If so, then do your best to picture Harry sitting about in his pants and vest with his feet on the coffee table, leaving dirty dishes all over the kitchen and dribbling blobs of toothpaste onto the sink handles where they will petrify all day. The chief allure of might-have-beens is really what never was, which is all of those things that real humans do to peeve each other.

Shanglan

 

[champagne1982]

The Horse has it right, (never has had it wrong in my view). An honest and sincere apology will ease your longing. Approach it without expectation of reward or even forgiveness and I'm sure you'll feel a lightness that comes from forgiving and understanding your younger self.

My parents taught me to never avoid handing out an apology, even if I can't see where I clearly made a mistake. All of the excuse making in the world (ie: I was drunk and he knew I get ugly when I drink) will not void any damage done by you while you were in that state. Own your behaviour and apologize for it, the guilt you feel; for in your heart of hearts you know you were at fault, and should have said 'Sorry' years ago; will finally release.

Go on with the future for the past is already written.

 

[Vermilion]

Mmmm. If that's "scared" as in "scared that he'll say something horribly painful about my actions and shame me even further," I would still press through with it. The odds are that he won't, and if you'll genuinely sorry, the risk must be taken. Giving someone the chance to inflict that sort of damage is, itself, a very profound form of apology; whether it is accepted generously or not, it is made, and if remorse is the chief of your problems, it may still clear some of the clutter away.

If, however, you mean "scared" as in "scared that any contact with him will lure me away from my current Fiance and into a wild fling at this tempting piece of my past," then I'd agree that contact is not wise. But I'd think carefully over the question of what you find so tempting about this person. Is it the idea that a new romance with him could wipe away that painful memory you have of your parting? If so, it's best to push the romance away and focus on making up for that ugly scene. Is it that he embodies some qualities that your Fiance doesn't have? If that's the case, it's time to sit down and very soberly consider whether this is a case of wanting whatever isn't currently accessible, or whether it's a serious sign that you're missing something from your current relationship. Is it possibly that this is one of those cases of the untried relationship looking appealing because it never had to face the realities and daily annoyances of life? If so, then do your best to picture Harry sitting about in his pants and vest with his feet on the coffee table, leaving dirty dishes all over the kitchen and dribbling blobs of toothpaste onto the sink handles where they will petrify all day. The chief allure of might-have-beens is really what never was, which is all of those things that real humans do to peeve each other.

Shanglan

Huh.

I think I am mostly scared that any contact would spark up feelings for him again and ruin what I have with the Fiance. Obviously there's a little bit of 'not wanting to hear what he might say,' I have long since accepted that I behaved badly, but I don;t think I want to know exactly *how* badly he thinks of my overly-dramatic teenage behaviour.

You know how some people feel there is only one person for them in life? I don;t agree with that. I feel that there are multiple people, and whilst he may have been one of them, the Fiance is definitely another. I am in love, I honestly don;t see how it can be any better than it is, bearing in mind those real-life elements that are less than perfect. I just know myself well enough to know that if I met up with him and we managed to resolve things and the opportunity *did* arise, I would be more than capable of being stupid enough to throw away something real and lasting for a short fling in search of my (ha ha) lost youth...

I don;t think there is really any way to safely resolve these feelings, but oh boy, did I need to talk about them with some kind and supportive people. Thank you all for listening, understanding and being kind.

x
V

 

[BlackShanglan]

What lovely parents you have, Champagne. I was at something of a disadvantage learning that lesson myself, as I have one of those bizarre fathers who believes that an apology is some sort of confession of worthlessness. I have, quite seriously, seen him take a meal in a restaraunt at another table from us rather than apologize for shutting a car window on my mother's hand.

How those two get on, I will never fathom.

However, I think I have gotten to the heart of it at last, and it's that example of my father's that made it clear to me. It didn't matter what he thought he was doing when he was messing about with the car window, or whether my mother snapped very angrily at him (she did), or whether he was right or wrong (although he had clearly been careless). The chief thing was that someone he cared about was hurt, and he had, although accidentally, been the agent of that pain. His first concern should have been to assuage the pain of his poor hurt loved one, and his concern for her pain should have been so much more profound than any petty concern about his ego as to wholly eclipse that matter.

Once one approaches apologies from this perspective, they are immensely better things for everyone, I find. Ironically, the chiefest way to not end up in an hours-long row over fine degrees of blame and responsibility is to clearly demonstrate that that is the least of your concerns. It generally helps others to see things that way as well.

Shanglan

 

[BlackShanglan]

Huh.

I think I am mostly scared that any contact would spark up feelings for him again and ruin what I have with the Fiance. Obviously there's a little bit of 'not wanting to hear what he might say,' I have long since accepted that I behaved badly, but I don;t think I want to know exactly *how* badly he thinks of my overly-dramatic teenage behaviour.

You know how some people feel there is only one person for them in life? I don;t agree with that. I feel that there are multiple people, and whilst he may have been one of them, the Fiance is definitely another. I am in love, I honestly don;t see how it can be any better than it is, bearing in mind those real-life elements that are less than perfect. I just know myself well enough to know that if I met up with him and we managed to resolve things and the opportunity *did* arise, I would be more than capable of being stupid enough to throw away something real and lasting for a short fling in search of my (ha ha) lost youth...

I don;t think there is really any way to safely resolve these feelings, but oh boy, did I need to talk about them with some kind and supportive people. Thank you all for listening, understanding and being kind.

x
V

Ah, then I think you have chosen the path of wisdom. What, after all, are anonymous posts to Internet porn boards for, if not to release a little of the tension from a situation like this?

(Just, for heaven's sake, don't read any of the posts by Amicus.)

Shanglan

 

[champagne1982]

Huh.

I think I am mostly scared that any contact would spark up feelings for him again and ruin what I have with the Fiance. Obviously there's a little bit of 'not wanting to hear what he might say,' I have long since accepted that I behaved badly, but I don;t think I want to know exactly *how* badly he thinks of my overly-dramatic teenage behaviour.

You know how some people feel there is only one person for them in life? I don;t agree with that. I feel that there are multiple people, and whilst he may have been one of them, the Fiance is definitely another. I am in love, I honestly don;t see how it can be any better than it is, bearing in mind those real-life elements that are less than perfect. I just know myself well enough to know that if I met up with him and we managed to resolve things and the opportunity *did* arise, I would be more than capable of being stupid enough to throw away something real and lasting for a short fling in search of my (ha ha) lost youth...

I don;t think there is really any way to safely resolve these feelings, but oh boy, did I need to talk about them with some kind and supportive people. Thank you all for listening, understanding and being kind.

x
V

Well, that is a little vain, don't you think? Maybe he won't want to arise to the opportunity and face it, that would be painful as well. It still doesn't change the fact that you owe him an apology. He even owes you one. A friend doesn't run away or dissolve a friendship without offering an explanation once clearer heads rule.

I don't mean this post to be rude or insulting, btw. I was just pointing out that all of your expectations may open up the can of worms whereby you'll have to decide if living on the cool side of the passionate line is worth giving up the chance of having your heart broken and making you face the fact that the unattainable is truly out of reach.

You should firmly close the door on this skeleton from the past or else someday, the light from the hallway will spill in on the bones and show you just what the worms can do when they're outta the can.

 

[carsonshepherd]

(Just, for heaven's sake, don't read any of the posts by Amicus.)

Shanglan

This is exactly why I have him on ignore. My life is frustrating enough.

V, I wanted to share a personal story. Whilst still in high school, I had a torrid, barely-legal love affair with a guy a few years older than myself. It ended badly when he decided that he wasn't into a relationship, he just liked having his way with young boys. Fast-forward to a few years later. He came back into my life while I was in college, full of apology and remorse, and I remember all those old feelings came rushing back. I thought, what if he's the one? Nobody had ever made me feel like he did, and so I allowed him access to me again. In the end, he ended up doing exactly the same thing to me again.

The moral of my rather pointless story is, just because I still had feelings for him didn't make him "the one." We never spoke again, and eventually the feelings went away. I'm sure I could find him on MySpace or something if I really wanted to, but I'm very happy in my current life, with a fantastic SO, so why rip open old wounds for a "maybe"?

Be at peace

 

[Vermilion]

The Horse has it right, (never has had it wrong in my view). An honest and sincere apology will ease your longing. Approach it without expectation of reward or even forgiveness and I'm sure you'll feel a lightness that comes from forgiving and understanding your younger self.

My parents taught me to never avoid handing out an apology, even if I can't see where I clearly made a mistake. All of the excuse making in the world (ie: I was drunk and he knew I get ugly when I drink) will not void any damage done by you while you were in that state. Own your behaviour and apologize for it, the guilt you feel; for in your heart of hearts you know you were at fault, and should have said 'Sorry' years ago; will finally release.

Go on with the future for the past is already written.

I appreciate your comments, but this is not the issue that needs resolving.

I apologised at the time, by letter. I asked for a response if he felt he could forgive me or if there was any chance of a relationship still, but never received a response. he started dating the other girl very shortly afterwards. Part of me wonders if he already had feelings for her and was very glad of an excuse to jettison me with very little guilt to himself.

If I'm honest it's the fact that I was jettisoned from the entire friendship group at the same time that hurts almost as much as losing him.

They're all still friends and the social networking site i mentioned earlier shows they still hang out and are involved in each others' lives. Is it weird to still have all your closest friends be those from when you were 15 or younger, or am I right to feel as hurt as I do at being ostracised like that?

Oh God, I'm just being all nostalgic and pathetic, wishing to be 16 again, before everything went wrong and I was forced, so painfully, to grow up.

Thanks again guys.

ps- I wrote this before I saw Champagne or Shanglans' most recent posts - I am, if anything, too eager to apologise. I was at fault, and admitted it at the time and ever since. I really am not sure how much my foolishness when drunk had to do with why he just cut me off, I would really like to know if there were others reasons and what they were, but I couldn;t bear to hear it from the horse's mouth... and there's noone I can ask to mediate. I just need to make up some reasons myself, I think. Like he was already falling for this other girl, who he is still with. She was prettier than me, less high-maintenance (for sure) liked the same music as him (important point at 16) and presumably they have grown together over the years, rather than apart. I just need to accept all this in order to be fully satisfied. I think I would be in trouble if I *didn't* realise that this unresolved issue was a problem. I've been trying to be brutally honest with myself recently, because this marriage and this man (the Fiance) are so important to me and I don;t want to fuck them up. That's why I am trying to exorcise ghosts from my past.

Funny, though, that practically the only man I fancied who *didn;t* sleep with me is the only one I still hanker after... maybe I'm a man at heart and just want to conquer that territory before settling down (joke).

x
V