A Higher Chat Thread

[Cathleen]

Zingers

The British military writes OFR’s (officer fitness reports). The following are actual excerpts taken from peoples’ reports:

* His men would follow him a nywhere, but only out of curiosity.
* I would not breed from this Officer.
*This Officer is really so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely won’t-be.
* When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to
change whichever foot was previously in there.
* He has carried out each and everyone of his duties to his entire
satisfaction.
* He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
* Technically sound, but socially impossible.
* This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always
spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going
anywhere.
* This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
* When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a
granny; since then he has aged considerably.
* This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from
port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
* Since my last report his has reached rock bottom, and has
started to dig.
* She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them.
* He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.
* This Officer should go far; and the sooner he starts the better.
* In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below
250 feet.
* The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
* Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like
a rat in a trap.
* This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

 

[higherlevel4u]

LOL ...... Very good Cate!

That's what we need ..... a bit more humour around here!

 

[higherlevel4u]

In a similar vein, these are supposed to be real comments taken from insurance companies' accident reports:


1. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

2. I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.

3. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

4. The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

5. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

6. The accident occured when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

7. I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

8. I was on my way to the doctor's with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

9. As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

10. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.

11. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

12. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

13. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

14. When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

15. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.

16. I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

17. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

18. The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.



Enjoy ......

 

[Cathleen]

LOL ...... Very good Cate!

That's what we need ..... a bit more humour around here!

I have had that for years.....an ex-coast guard friend sent them to me....of course he didn't have any from our officers lol

 

[Cathleen]

those are terrific!!!! I'm laughing....thanks.....you knew just what I needed!!!

I love the one with the little guy in a small car with a big mouth!!!
Oh I just love them all.....THANKS glad you're back!!!

now got post some music would you please.... Jenn is all set now!

 

[Cathleen]

I can post this because I am blonde

I Want to Buy That


A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

 

[higherlevel4u]

Don't start me on blonde jokes ...... I've got loads!!


Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.


These are just two from my vast repertoire ......


You know I love you really, Cate .....

 

[Cathleen]

yes I know!!! those are ok....you'll have to throw a few more out though to really impress this blonde! LOL

 

[done_got_old]

yes I know!!! those are ok....you'll have to throw a few more out though to really impress this blonde! LOL

You know you can't challenge him, he'll be ready for you tomorrow.

 

[Cathleen]

You know you can't challenge him, he'll be ready for you tomorrow.

I can't??? why is that?? he knows I will meet his challenge!!!

Hi DGO..... as always, nice to see you!

 

[done_got_old]

I can't??? why is that?? he knows I will meet his challenge!!!

Hi DGO..... as always, nice to see you!

I hope I don't miss the fireworks.

 

[Cathleen]

I hope I don't miss the fireworks.

well, you will have to be here......to help ME!!!! now why do I have a sneaking suspicion that you will want to egg us on??!!!!!


lol

 

[done_got_old]

well, you will have to be here......to help ME!!!! now why do I have a sneaking suspicion that you will want to egg us on??!!!!!


lol

moi?

I'm hurt

 

[Cathleen]

moi?

I'm hurt

well, I would never hurt you on purpose...... my apologies to you!!! and I will ask, help me!!! you know he'll have so many more!!! good thing we love each other!!

 

[done_got_old]

well, I would never hurt you on purpose...... my apologies to you!!! and I will ask, help me!!! you know he'll have so many more!!! good thing we love each other!!

of course, I'll help........I was just joking about the 'hurt' part

 

[Cathleen]

of course, I'll help........I was just joking about the 'hurt' part

I knew I could count on you!!! now we need to plan our stragey!!! he already said he has lots more blonde jokes..... so I'm wondering just how to proceed...... English spoofs???

 

[done_got_old]

I knew I could count on you!!! now we need to plan our stragey!!! he already said he has lots more blonde jokes..... so I'm wondering just how to proceed...... English spoofs???

sounds good! do you know if he's bald?

 

[Cathleen]

sounds good! do you know if he's bald?

oh he is not!! you've not seen his picture??? its on the fan club thread.... somewhere around page 7 I think! go look......he does have THE most smoldering eyes!!!! talk about weak in the knees look..... now he is going to see this....... what have I done!!

 

[done_got_old]

oh he is not!! you've not seen his picture??? its on the fan club thread.... somewhere around page 7 I think! go look......he does have THE most smoldering eyes!!!! talk about weak in the knees look..... now he is going to see this....... what have I done!!

I haven't seen a picture......I'll find it. I know that he's got my heart too.

 

[Cathleen]

I haven't seen a picture......I'll find it. I know that he's got my heart too.

its hard not to ...... he is a charmer..... and a wonderful friend to me!! let me know when you've seen it!!

 

[done_got_old]

its hard not to ...... he is a charmer..... and a wonderful friend to me!! let me know when you've seen it!!

had to call 911 to put out the fire

 

[Cathleen]

had to call 911 to put out the fire

omg you are so cute!!!!
but I have to agree!!!

 

[appleapps]

Dont blame me for the following, Cate asked if I had anything to post in here and this was the only joke that I felt fit the bill so to speak,,,,,,,,,,,,, ((((((((higher)))))))))




The following are all replies that British women have put on
Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's
details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure
to check number 11, It takes the prize.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A
was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of
the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on
the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child
as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly
from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men
that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She
was conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had
unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that
the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track
down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He
drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one
of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service
stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from
the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate
and that he is Christ risen again.

Continued below...

More Child Support Agency forms...

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs
me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have
cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn
between doing right by you and right by the country. Please
advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all
squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a
Royal Green Jacket.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up
with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at
Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that
I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs
earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more
TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine
might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby,
after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which
one made you fart.

 

[Cathleen]

I in no way had thing one to do with that Apple....... except this....LMAO BIG

very good!!

 

[Cathleen]

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says,
"Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie says,"That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not
creative."

Finally, with his Mexican accent, the Chihuahua says, "Liver
alone......cheese mine."




Thanks Apple.... thanks for helping me laugh tonight!!! You are such a great friend....I appreciate you lots!!