A girl lost in Illinois...

[Soulfiregirl]

Well, I'm not quite sure where to start. This is my very first post on this board so bare with me since I'm a newbie here. I broke up with my exboyfriend several months ago. We broke up over various issues but one of the things I started to have a problem with was his sex drive didn't match mine. And I also realized that I wanted more in a sexual relationship than just "traditional" sex.

I've always been interested in the world of bondage but I have no idea how to really enter it. I posted a few ads on other alternative lifestyle websites but the only repsonses I got were from people who were into it heavy duty and very intense. I'm going to be very new to it so I ended up deleting the ads because I felt a bit overwhelemed. Like what am I getting myself into? I really don't know what to expect. (oh, and I'm also bi but I'll save that for another post in the future)

I'm not sure if I put this in the right forum but where does someone look for someone else who might want to explore this type of sexuality with them if you're a beginner? I'm feeling kind of depressed about it actually because I don't think I'll ever be happy dating a "normal" guy or gal. I need someone who's a bit "out there" like me but I'm not sure where to start. Anyway, sorry for the whine. I'm just kind of venting a bit. I have some bondage stories that I'm working on that I plan on submitting soon.

Maybe I'll post an ad for myself in the personals section on this board but I'm not sure what to put. Guess I'm looking for a little advice out there.

Thankyou in advance for any feedback. This is a very interesting message board and I think I'll stay.

 

[Aeroil]

not to discourage you from posting at all, but perhaps this should have been posted in the "new faces introduce yourselves" thread?

 

[Soulfiregirl]

I see. I'll post this over there as well. Thankyou.

 

[MissTaken]

I truly admire your use of caution and good judgement. It is far too easy to be swept away as you begin your journey.

Involving yourself in on line communities, such as this one, can help you determine what you want/need and how to work toward that. It can also help you feel not so unusual, which you aren't.

Perhaps, you can find a munch group in your area. Get to know a few people on a friendly level and meet people in real life.

Also, using discretion is always a good thing.

Best of luck,
MissT

 

[Soulfiregirl]

Forgive my ignorance, but what does "munch group" mean?

 

[graceanne]

Hi, hon, and welcome. I agree with Miss T, it's good that you're being cautious. It's better to go slow than to jump into something you're not ready for.

A munch is a group of bdsmers that get together socially.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Welcome to the board, and you have not made a mistake in posting the thread....the new faces thread is for introducing yourself if you feel so inclined, but is not a place to discuss issues and/or concerns etc. Seems you already have enough common sense not to tread where you feel you will not feel comfortable or as much in control as you need to be until you have more knowledge of your reactions to bondage. There are many out there who will respectfully and responsibly guide a newer enthusiast and help them find their feet so to speak. Bondage can be fun, but also even if it is a huge fantasy, it is wise to start slow with someone you can trust as the outcome though often good, cannot be predicted. Unexpected panic attacks etc., can be just some of the downsides which need working through. Hope you have fun and play safe.

Catalina

 

[TaintedB]

Originally posted by Soulfiregirl
I'm not sure if I put this in the right forum but where does someone look for someone else who might want to explore this type of sexuality with them if you're a beginner?

If you want to try to avoid the chance of being taken advantage of by predators*, I suggest that you look for a bdsm personal-ad site that lets you search the text of the ads. Then search the doms category for things like "novice," "new at this," "Just starting out," etc.

The idea here is _not_ to go to predatorland and find someone who loves introducing newbies to bdsm. Instead, I'm suggesting you use this keyword search to find a dominant at your own level of experience (rather new) who seems compatible to your personality and then explore this together. People who are new to bdsm usually don't have a lot of preconceptions about what it should or shouldn't be, so you can do fun and exploratory things with them, things that suit your individual personalities and gratify you both, things that somebody with a rigid idea of what "slave training" is, won't even consider doing with you.

*I'm using "predator" in this context to mean someone who preys on a person's inexperience or emotional vulnerability to get what he needs and in the process emotionally hurts the person he uses, not a serial killer or rapist sort.

 

[Vixandra]

Salutations and welcome to the board.

I agree with Miss Taken- look for a local area (or within driving distance) munch.
Most groups have a group web site of sorts and welcome new members. Just be clear that your a novice there to learn a bit, not to scene and you should be fine.

Good luck.

 

[H piltdown]

Soulfiregirl, I don't recall if you mentioned whether you were interested in bondage from the perspective of the tied or the tier. Either way, it doesn't really matter as long as you realize that being the top requires an extremely high level of responsibility and being the bottom requires an extremely high level of trust.

Forums like this are a good place to explore your feelings and to more understand the BDSM community, but nothing, in our opinion can replace face to face encounters with others in the lifestyle. That's why the advise of Miss Taken and others is so important. Attend a couple of Munches, but take your time, get to know others and ask questions.

Plus, do some web searches. Read up on bondage from a safety standpoint and use the web to find the BDSM groups in your area. We wouldn't advise meeting people from personal ads until you're familiar with the dangers, and know all of the techniques for keeping yourself safe.

 

[Bandit58]

Re: Re: A girl lost in Illinois...

If you want to try to avoid the chance of being taken advantage of by predators*, I suggest that you look for a bdsm personal-ad site that lets you search the text of the ads. Then search the doms category for things like "novice," "new at this," "Just starting out," etc.

The idea here is _not_ to go to predatorland and find someone who loves introducing newbies to bdsm. Instead, I'm suggesting you use this keyword search to find a dominant at your own level of experience (rather new) who seems compatible to your personality and then explore this together. People who are new to bdsm usually don't have a lot of preconceptions about what it should or shouldn't be, so you can do fun and exploratory things with them, things that suit your individual personalities and gratify you both, things that somebody with a rigid idea of what "slave training" is, won't even consider doing with you.

*I'm using "predator" in this context to mean someone who preys on a person's inexperience or emotional vulnerability to get what he needs and in the process emotionally hurts the person he uses, not a serial killer or rapist sort.

Interesting......I would have thought looking for a more experienced Dominant would have been a better idea

I've been lucky in that my Master is experienced while I was a complete newbie to D/s, and He has taken me along my journey in slow but sure baby steps. We've been together almost a year now. I have learned so much about myself and in the process become much more self confident. I know He enjoys showing and teaching me new things - I am (or used to be!) relatively inexperienced sexually. I trust Him totally and I have my safe words.

When we first discussed BDSM the advice He gave me was do lots of reading and not to be afraid to ask questions. As has been posted before, the only dumb question is the one that isn't asked. I lurked on these boards for ages before I got the courage up to post anything here. Another good place I found was:

The BDSM Resource Center

It has excellent articles and a discussion board too. Good luck on your journey

 

[Soulfiregirl]

Hello all. Thankyou so much for your kind replies. I really appreciate it. I did put a simple "ad" in the BDSM personals forum on this board so that I could kind of start out slow with PM friends first. I've gotten some responses already as far as people willing to answer any questions I have about these topics. But I realize that I need to be careful on here too so I'm proceeding with curiosity and caution.

Thankyou for info on "munch" groups. I will definitely look into those. I'm sure there are probably ones around my area and I just need to do a little more Internet surfing to find them.

I'm not really into pain as far as S&M. And I'm definitely not ready to jump into a full blown D&S type relationship with someone at this time anyway. That's a little too overwhelming for me. I mainly just like bondage. Being tied up or tying someone else up in various ways. I like the idea of some kind of restraint (but without pain). I'm looking for something less intense then the heavy duty "slave/master" deal.

I know for many people, this is a lifestyle, but for me at this time, it's more of a curiosity that I'd like to explore. I think I would enjoy it because lord knows I daydream about it enough. I even daydream about some of the guys in my office and how I'd like to handcuff one of them and have my way with them. (sorry, I've been single for several months now so my hormones are ruling my brain)

I also fantasize about being with another girl and a guy and we take turns "binding" each other up and doing things to each other. But obvsiously, as all of you have stated...trust is VERY important when getting involved in this world. I need to be very careful and I will continue to do that. So thankyou for your advice and kind words.

I wish I had found this message board years ago. I've always wanted a place where I could talk about this stuff openly. There's still kind of a stigma attatched to it and we have to keep it to ourselves most of the time. So thankyou for the warm welcome as well.

 

[Sodality]

Hello Soulfire

I am not new to the forums of online, I know first hand how hard it is to weed through all of the wanna bes and the abusers. There are some good people with good and safe ideas out here, and many forums for you to join and first make friends. I do know in IL we are working very hard to get our tight community back to what it used to be, a caring place where you can feel safe and protected , even if you are not collared. I am happy to help guide you through should you want help.

 

[psychone]

There is also the chance it may happen organically with something that starts more normal.

For me atleast it did, we had a conversation about fantasies to try and being tied up was a mutual one. We used bandages to tie eachother up (inexpensive, streaches so little risk of it being painfully tight) to the bed posts and stuff. It worked very well for us.

Good luck.

 

[Soulfiregirl]

There is also the chance it may happen organically with something that starts more normal.

For me atleast it did, we had a conversation about fantasies to try and being tied up was a mutual one. We used bandages to tie eachother up (inexpensive, streaches so little risk of it being painfully tight) to the bed posts and stuff. It worked very well for us.

Good luck.

That's true. I may meet someone eventually thinking they're only into "traditional" sex and then they may surprise me with something kinky themselves. lol.

 

[MasochisticToy]

It looks like so many have shared a lot of wonderful things with you so far. I was just going to say that sometimes you actually find the one you want when you're not looking. Like you, yourself, stated...it can be overwhelming when you're a newbie to BDSM and post a personal ad online! I've been there, too! (And I was 18 when I first had access to the net, so I was very naive.)

Simply talking to others who share an interest in this lifestyle, making new friends, etc., is a good start. The more personal contact and knowledge you receive from, say, both male and female submissives and/or male Doms and female Dommes can really help you out.

And once you feel you're ready to look for "the one" again, personal ads can sometimes help. I met my first "true Dom", who is also a dear Friend of mine now, from an ad at Yahoo about 7 years ago now.




~Toy


P.S.
If you don't mind me asking, where in Illinois are you?

 

[Netzach]

Hello all. Thankyou so much for your kind replies. I really appreciate it. I did put a simple "ad" in the BDSM personals forum on this board so that I could kind of start out slow with PM friends first. I've gotten some responses already as far as people willing to answer any questions I have about these topics. But I realize that I need to be careful on here too so I'm proceeding with curiosity and caution.

Thankyou for info on "munch" groups. I will definitely look into those. I'm sure there are probably ones around my area and I just need to do a little more Internet surfing to find them.

I'm not really into pain as far as S&M. And I'm definitely not ready to jump into a full blown D&S type relationship with someone at this time anyway. That's a little too overwhelming for me. I mainly just like bondage. Being tied up or tying someone else up in various ways. I like the idea of some kind of restraint (but without pain). I'm looking for something less intense then the heavy duty "slave/master" deal.

I know for many people, this is a lifestyle, but for me at this time, it's more of a curiosity that I'd like to explore. I think I would enjoy it because lord knows I daydream about it enough. I even daydream about some of the guys in my office and how I'd like to handcuff one of them and have my way with them. (sorry, I've been single for several months now so my hormones are ruling my brain)

I also fantasize about being with another girl and a guy and we take turns "binding" each other up and doing things to each other. But obvsiously, as all of you have stated...trust is VERY important when getting involved in this world. I need to be very careful and I will continue to do that. So thankyou for your advice and kind words.

I wish I had found this message board years ago. I've always wanted a place where I could talk about this stuff openly. There's still kind of a stigma attatched to it and we have to keep it to ourselves most of the time. So thankyou for the warm welcome as well.

Know what I'd do?

I'd join a rope group, or a bondage club. I don't know where you are, but in some major metros there are whole clubs that are focused primarily on bondage. There are events that center on bondage - no mandate that everyone there be into D/s as well. There are groups on yahoo that are all about bondage and nothing more.

If you just really like restraint, helplessness, tying, and being tied, you will find that there are spaces online that are primarily about that, and if you go to a large conference like Black Rose in Washington DC, you will meet people and couples, whose primary interest is tying up and down.

If you can get to Chicagoland, I recommend checking out these folks
www.bdsm-chicago.com

 

[Soulfiregirl]

It looks like so many have shared a lot of wonderful things with you so far. I was just going to say that sometimes you actually find the one you want when you're not looking. Like you, yourself, stated...it can be overwhelming when you're a newbie to BDSM and post a personal ad online! I've been there, too! (And I was 18 when I first had access to the net, so I was very naive.)

Simply talking to others who share an interest in this lifestyle, making new friends, etc., is a good start. The more personal contact and knowledge you receive from, say, both male and female submissives and/or male Doms and female Dommes can really help you out.

And once you feel you're ready to look for "the one" again, personal ads can sometimes help. I met my first "true Dom", who is also a dear Friend of mine now, from an ad at Yahoo about 7 years ago now.




~Toy


P.S.
If you don't mind me asking, where in Illinois are you?

Yes, I have met some awesome folks on here already. And while I'm getting quite a few PM's from various people, everyone has been very cool. Many are just interested in being pen-pals like me but then I've met some "oldtimers" on here who've been around a lot longer and they've given me some great advice.

I can't tell you guys how "free" I feel when I come to this board every night. (again, damn I should have joined years ago) It's so nice to finally have other people to talk to about all of this. I am already looking into support groups in my area. There may be one starting up close to where I work actually.

I am in the northwest area of Illinois. (Lake County area) Closer to Wiscsonsin. (probably about a half hour from the border?)

I plan on doing more "reading" over the weekend when I have time. As far as the library that's on here. And I'm going to do more surfing on the Net. I realize, the more I learn the better. And I'm being very careful as well. Every message board attracts a few "iffy" people.

I'm actually kind of looking to date a woman next. (I'm bi as well) But honestly, if a guy comes a long again and he and I click, then that's cool too. Just taking it nice and slow for now.

 

[Soulfiregirl]

Know what I'd do?

I'd join a rope group, or a bondage club. I don't know where you are, but in some major metros there are whole clubs that are focused primarily on bondage. There are events that center on bondage - no mandate that everyone there be into D/s as well. There are groups on yahoo that are all about bondage and nothing more.

If you just really like restraint, helplessness, tying, and being tied, you will find that there are spaces online that are primarily about that, and if you go to a large conference like Black Rose in Washington DC, you will meet people and couples, whose primary interest is tying up and down.

If you can get to Chicagoland, I recommend checking out these folks
www.bdsm-chicago.com

I'm actually looking into support groups for now but a bondage club is an interesting idea. (oh and by the way Netzach, I was reading the Sadist thread and you had some very interesting posts in there...very informative and cool...I've definitely had the wrong misconceptions about S&M...every day you guys educate me more and more)

And thankyou for the link. I will check that out as well.

(would it be corny for me to give you guys a group hug?)

 

[MasochisticToy]

I am in the northwest area of Illinois. (Lake County area) Closer to Wiscsonsin. (probably about a half hour from the border?)

I used to be only about 20 minutes from the state line. But now am very close to I-88 (if you know where that is). lol

 

[Soulfiregirl]

Hi Toy. My ex lives in Joliet which is closer to I-88 so I do know where that is.

 

[ghosst_K&H]

There are plenty of groups in Chicago as well as Milwaukee, both of which are about the same distance from you. (Yes I am a transplanted Chicagoian )


http://www.theslavetrainer.com/dommeeting.html

This one looks to be in your area

http://members.aol.com/KatesKismet/munch.html

And one for general information

http://www.tngc.org/tngc/index.html

Good luck in your search, I hope you find what you're looking for

 

[Soulfiregirl]

Much appreciated ghosst. Thankyou. Right now, I'm just looking for pen-pals. (I put that in my personal ad as well in the BDSM personals forum) Pen-pals and support groups. Just taking it slow. Thanks for the warm welcome and all the info guys. I've only been on here one week and my head is already full of a wealth of information. (and some new friends as well)

 

[lindiana]

Finding Real

Much appreciated ghosst. Thankyou. Right now, I'm just looking for pen-pals. (I put that in my personal ad as well in the BDSM personals forum) Pen-pals and support groups. Just taking it slow. Thanks for the warm welcome and all the info guys. I've only been on here one week and my head is already full of a wealth of information. (and some new friends as well)

I also have been searching slowly for someone like-minded with little luck. Since you mentioned you are looking for pen-pals, here are a few sites I would recommend. I have met quite a few people through them, none that turned out to be the One, but then I am very picky.

www.cuffs.com
www.bondage.com
www.alt.com

I'm very cautious and prefer the bumper of online. If you are the same way, try these. They all give you the opportunity to place personal ads.

 

[Soulfiregirl]

Moderators???

That's odd, I'm missing some update posts in this thread. (the most recent ones) Is it because I mentioned putting another ad in the Chicago Reader site? Or were posts lost because of the upgrade to this board? Just confused. But I think I noticed other posts missing in other threads. (not just mine but other members as well?)

*scratching head*