A Fragment

[femboitessa]

"She knows she's early, so early, but the thought of taking the tram into the city, to see the bustling city streets, the people, to blend in, swallowed up by the momentum of it all, to become another face in the crowd, how could she have resisted the temptation?

To step out into the grayness of the wintry Sydney morning, to walk down the street, the fabric tight around her waif-form, and wanting, oh so wanting the eyes, the eyes of men and women.

How we strut and fret our hour upon the stage.."

 

[XerXesXu]

Is it your fragment or another's? Is it an opening setup? Perhaps, a 'coming of age' story?

 

[femboitessa]

Is it your fragment or another's? Is it an opening setup? Perhaps a 'coming of age'story?

it’s mine, perhaps part of a vignette.. I’m trying to write a suite of these

 

[Tio_Narratore]

But why have you posted it here? Do you want comments? Suggestions? Editing? Continuations? Writing partners?
Curious minds want to know.

 

[XerXesXu]

it’s mine, perhaps part of a vignette.. I’m trying to write a suite of these

Vignette: a brief evocative description, account, or episode. It certainly succeeds as that.

I remember those moments when I arrived at university/at my Inn of Court/at the resesrves’ barracks, and someone would turn to me and ask, ‘Who are you?’, and I realised that, as I came with no baggage, I could be anyone I wanted, anyone they wanted.

It seems to me that, that’s the sort of moment of resolution it foreshadows, indeed demands. Another 704 words and you have a beginning, and end and a publishable 750 word story.

Start small, build big.

 

[oneagainst]

"She knows she's early, so early, but the thought of taking the tram into the city, to see the bustling city streets, the people, to blend in, swallowed up by the momentum of it all, to become another face in the crowd, how could she have resisted the temptation?

To step out into the grayness of the wintry Sydney morning, to walk down the street, the fabric tight around her waif-form, and wanting, oh so wanting the eyes, the eyes of men and women.

How we strut and fret our hour upon the stage.."

Nice. Though, nothing evocative is possible about Sydney Light Rail, and it's a long way from wintry at the moment. But yeah... where is she going? What trouble is she going to cause? Good start.

 

[ElectricBlue]

it’s mine, perhaps part of a vignette.. I’m trying to write a suite of these

Write at least 750 words worth of vignettes, and publish them as a story. It's an interesting idea.

There's also a thread for 100 word vignettes - over there ---> somewhere. You should join in that one.

 

[gunhilltrain]

I've never been to that city, but I'd like to know where she started (lives) and a more about exactly where she's going and why. Sometimes just randomly picking places at the beginning makes a difference about how a story develops as it goes along.

This is all the "trams" (light rail) that Sydney has right now (I think only the red line is operating). I have no idea of what any of those places look like, but I assume you do.

https://www.sydney.com.au/images/light-rail-routes-large.jpg

 

[MediocreAuthor]

Vignette: a brief evocative description, account, or episode. It certainly succeeds as that.

I remember those moments when I arrived at university/at my Inn of Court/at the resesrves’ barracks, and someone would turn to me and ask, ‘Who are you?’, and I realised that, as I came with no baggage, I could be anyone I wanted, anyone they wanted.

It seems to me that, that’s the sort of moment of resolution it foreshadows, indeed demands. Another 704 words and you have a beginning, and end and a publishable 750 word story.

Start small, build big.

Are you suggesting that he should do a 750 word challenge story? Or simply that he should write something publishable... and the minimum length is 750.

Because I very much disagree with the former.

 

[XerXesXu]

Are you suggesting that he should do a 750 word challenge story? Or simply that he should write something publishable... and the minimum length is 750.

Because I very much disagree with the former.

The latter, something short and publishable (on lit), the next step up from a vignette.

 

[MediocreAuthor]

The latter, something short and publishable (on lit), the next step up from a vignette.

Fair enough. I think that 750 challenge stories are written as an anti-reader exercise, but there's nothing wrong with short stories.

 

[XerXesXu]

Fair enough. I think that 750 challenge stories are written as an anti-reader exercise, but there's nothing wrong with short stories.

I have no idea where the notion of a 750-word challenge comes from, but many people create many challenges on this site, for the sake of what? - who knows? But I like the 750-word challenge. To make every word count, to my mind, is pro-reader. We all see the world differently.

 

[Voboy]

"Waif-form" takes me right out of it. FWIW. I also feel like the first paragraph is over-comma'ed.

 

[MediocreAuthor]

I have no idea where the notion of a 750-word challenge comes from, but many people create many challenges on this site, for the sake of what? - who knows? But I like the 750-word challenge. To make every word count, to my mind, is pro-reader. We all see the world differently.

Look, I think that the challenges could be very fun... but they are defiantly pro-writer fun, and anti-reader.

Imagine that I cooked an omelet for you. You take a bite, and you say:

"Hmm... this isn't bad, but it's kind of salty...?"

"Yeah, sorry. I was challenging myself to cook while hopping up and down on one foot, and I dumped a bit too much salt in with the egg."

"But... why were you hopping up and down? It doesn't make the food taste better. It's an arbitrary challenge."

"Because it's fun."

"Well I'm glad you had fun, but personally I would have preferred a better tasting omelet, to be honest."

There's nothing wrong with 750 stories, but they prioritize the fun of the AUTHOR over the quality of the story.

 

[Voboy]

There's nothing wrong with 750 stories, but they prioritize the fun of the reader over the quality of the story.

This.

I've come around to the awareness that I shouldn't be writing these. I've posted several, but they do nothing for me and they surely don't do much more for the readers. I've even thought about pulling the ones I have up, or at least some of them.

Early on, I thought of them as ideas that were too long for a poem but too short for a real story. But now I'm not able to convince myself they fill any kind of niche at all.

 

[MediocreAuthor]

This.

I've come around to the awareness that I shouldn't be writing these. I've posted several, but they do nothing for me and they surely don't do much more for the readers. I've even thought about pulling the ones I have up, or at least some of them.

Early on, I thought of them as ideas that were too long for a poem but too short for a real story. But now I'm not able to convince myself they fill any kind of niche at all.

I did put a typo in my post, btw.

I meant they prioritize the fun of the *writer not the reader. Oops.

 

[Voboy]

I did put a typo in my post, btw.

I meant they prioritize the fun of the *writer not the reader. Oops.

Actually, that's exactly how I read it. Lol.

 

[XerXesXu]

Look, I think that the challenges could be very fun... but they are defiantly pro-writer fun, and anti-reader.

Imagine that I cooked an omelet for you. You take a bite, and you say:

"Hmm... this isn't bad, but it's kind of salty...?"

"Yeah, sorry. I was challenging myself to cook while hopping up and down on one foot, and I dumped a bit too much salt in with the egg."

"But... why were you hopping up and down? It doesn't make the food taste better. It's an arbitrary challenge."

"Because it's fun."

"Well I'm glad you had fun, but personally I would have preferred a better tasting omelet, to be honest."

There's nothing wrong with 750 stories, but they prioritize the fun of the AUTHOR over the quality of the story.

What can I say? As a reader, my favourite stories are the 750-word challenge stories. I read almost all of them.

The most common faults in prose published on this site are prolixity, clunky sentence construction, meandering plotline, and lack of pace. The limited number of words is a discipline which cures many of these faults and makes the story readable. One learns to kill a lot more than one's 'darlings', to the benefit of me, as a reader.

We all differ, both as writers and as readers.

 

[MediocreAuthor]

What can I say? As a reader, my favourite stories are the 750-word challenge stories. I read almost all of them.

The most common faults in prose published on this site are prolixity, clunky sentence construction, meandering plotline, and lack of pace. The limited number of words is a discipline which cures many of these faults and makes the story readable. One learns to kill a lot more than one's 'darlings', to the benefit of me, as a reader.

We all differ, both as writers and as readers.

That's incredibly interesting, and personally, I couldn't disagree more. But that's a perfectly acceptable opinion to have.

 

[femboitessa]

It’s nice to see I’ve started singing here that has almost nothing to do with the original post still, I’m thrilled!

Also, no one is yet to comment on the Shakespeare allusion.. oh well..

As for the over-comma-edparagraph, try reading Virginia Woolf. The “waif-form” comment, I agree. I’m reading it now and I want to puke!

I’m also sorry for posting this here. I think it was the wrong place to do it, but look at the discursion it’s spun! How lovely, how delightful, what a lark, to think that a vignette, ungainly, poorly-formed, as it is, could have, if one were so bold to say, have evoked such engagement (oh, sorry, that was over-comma-ed)!

I don’t think the Sydney Light rail is exciting in itself. But that she couldn’t resist the temptation to ride in it into the city and to revel in the city, says something about her, not the Light rail, which is what the piece was intended to be, a character study. The setting, reality, aren’t these mere constructions of our minds anyway, and isn’t that what writing is all about - to step into the vivid fantasmas of our characters? And sure it’s not winter in Sydney NOW, but surely, there must have a wintry Sydney morning at some point??

Sorry, I do realise that I am responding to the comments here in a rather haphazard way.. I do apologise!

Oh, I would prefer to be addressed as she/her..

My thoughts behind this piece was to write a series of vignettes in the style of Wallace Stevens’s poem, “13 Ways of looking at a Blackbird.”

Whether or not the vignettes would eventually amount to 750 words is beside the point.

*kisses to all*

 

[StillStunned]

Also, no one is yet to comment on the Shakespeare allusion.. oh well..

What's to comment? To me personally, it seems shoehorned in. The "strut" seems at odds with the rest of the text.

Quoting famous lines from literature works best (IMHO) if you play with them. Like "In A Glass Darkly", by Sheridan LeFanu - an allusion to "for now we see through a glass, darkly" from the Bible.

Here, you might have done better to shorten the quote to "How we fret our hour upon the stage", or create a conflict by changing it to "How we fret as we strut our hour upon the stage". This would make the reader think, instead of just coming across as "I know a line from Macbeth."

ETA: The more I think about it, the stranger the quote seems. I'm no expert on Shakespeare, but Macbeth's "Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow" is about the futility of human concerns and endeavours and the inevitability of death. So it kind of turns the mood of your piece from hopeful and mysterious to dark and fatalistic. So if that's what you're trying to achieve, for example if the POV character is dying from an incurable disease and trying to suck the marrow out of what little life is left to her, sure, go for it.

(Also, how wintry does it really get in Sydney?)

 

[ElectricBlue]

I did put a typo in my post, btw.

I meant they prioritize the fun of the *writer not the reader. Oops.

You can pull them off, if you stretch a friendship with the concept.

My last had four interconnected 750 bits, each you could say was complete, but together told a more complete story. As a 3000 word story, it wouldn't have been as satisfying.

You're right though, the 750 worders are very much a writer's exercise. You need readers who get the idea - most readers don't.

 

[XerXesXu]

It’s nice to see I’ve started singing here that has almost nothing to do with the original post still, I’m thrilled!

Also, no one is yet to comment on the Shakespeare allusion.. oh well..

As for the over-comma-edparagraph, try reading Virginia Woolf. The “waif-form” comment, I agree. I’m reading it now and I want to puke!

I’m also sorry for posting this here. I think it was the wrong place to do it, but look at the discursion it’s spun! How lovely, how delightful, what a lark, to think that a vignette, ungainly, poorly-formed, as it is, could have, if one were so bold to say, have evoked such engagement (oh, sorry, that was over-comma-ed)!

I don’t think the Sydney Light rail is exciting in itself. But that she couldn’t resist the temptation to ride in it into the city and to revel in the city, says something about her, not the Light rail, which is what the piece was intended to be, a character study. The setting, reality, aren’t these mere constructions of our minds anyway, and isn’t that what writing is all about - to step into the vivid fantasmas of our characters? And sure it’s not winter in Sydney NOW, but surely, there must have a wintry Sydney morning at some point??

Sorry, I do realise that I am responding to the comments here in a rather haphazard way.. I do apologise!

Oh, I would prefer to be addressed as she/her..

My thoughts behind this piece was to write a series of vignettes in the style of Wallace Stevens’s poem, “13 Ways of looking at a Blackbird.”

Whether or not the vignettes would eventually amount to 750 words is beside the point.

*kisses to all*

Whilst rummaging through the internet on a completely unrelated matter, I came across this:

'13 Ways of Looking at a Fat Girl is Mona Awad’s 2016 debut novel. The title, a reference to the Wallace Stevens poem “Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird,” is an apt description of the book’s contents. Awad tells the story of overweight protagonist Elizabeth’s struggle with weight and body image through 13 telling vignettes of her life from adolescence to adulthood. Awad, who admits to struggling with her own body image in the past, used those experiences to inform her depiction of the fictional Elizabeth.

Each of the novel’s 13 chapters reads like a short story in its own right, a story that captures a slice of Elizabeth’s life at that point in time. The passage of time is marked by her changing name: first she goes by Lizzie, then Beth, then Elizabeth, then Liz.'

I think, I understand where you're coming from, now.

 

[Comshaw]

The gurgle and roar of the river filled the air around him as the cool mist from the rapids touched his face. He sat elbow on knee, chin in hand on a water-worn boulder. He held a water polshed stick in his hand and from time to time he would use the end of it to scratch a pattern in the sand at his feet. As he sat staring at the water, numb and unthinking, the river noises began to blend and change. It soon took on the babbling sound of a large party of people just around the river bend...

Comshaw

 

[femboitessa]

The gurgle and roar of the river filled the air around him as the cool mist from the rapids touched his face. He sat elbow on knee, chin in hand on a water-worn boulder. He held a water polshed stick in his hand and from time to time he would use the end of it to scratch a pattern in the sand at his feet. As he sat staring at the water, numb and unthinking, the river noises began to blend and change. It soon took on the babbling sound of a large party of people just around the river bend...

Comshaw

I liked the water motif, and that everything for him attained a kind of fluidity, present but always flowing, ebbing.

I’ve begun to be fascinated with vignettes, short pieces like this, like poetry. Poetry is emotion, moment-borne and then perishes. Thank you for this!