VeraGem
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Oct 11, 2001
- Posts
- 118
I sent this to someone in answer to a request for feedback, and thought it might be helpful to others. I'm not posting the link or writer's name as this was a private request. Here it is for what it's worth.
Hi *****,
I liked *****, the premise was a great one and your sentence structure is good: there are very few grammar or punctuation errors. I love the idea of two people doing something they shouldn't, too. The sexual tension in those situations can be infectious. There are a few things you might think about, though, to heat up reader interest even more.
I made a few notes as I read, so these are on no particular order. On top of that, these are my own preferences and opinions - others may disagree.
**********
At times the action seems to move a little too fast. For example: "Then the pants came off, and we were both in our underwear." This one left me wondering how that came about. I like to see the buttons coming undone, to see the character reactions to each new bit of exposed skin. Did their breathing pick up? Were their hearts beating harder? That kind of thing. Actions and reactions help to define who the characters are.
I think you could minimize the vocal tags. Maybe I'm going through a phase, but I try to eliminate them altogether. My feeling is that they don't add much to the scene. For example, the sentence -
"This is very naughty, don't you think?" She asked, rhetorically.
- is an opportunity for action. How about something like:
"This is very naughty, don't you think?" Her brightly colored fingernails traced a little pattern along the inner curve of her breast.
Readers don't need to be told it's a rhetorical question, they get it. As writers we need to let them get it on their own - it's part of how the reader sinks into the story. Giving her some action/reaction right after speaking makes it pretty clear who spoke, and at the same time adds to the mental picture in the reader's mind.
Use italics trick to show someone's thoughts. Parentheses make it a bit confusing. To get italics in the right places when publishing on Literotica you need to use a little HTML, like this:
<I>everthing between the tags will be in italics</I>
Whatever you do though, don't forget the </I>, or the entire rest of the page will be in italics. That's a letter I, by the way, not a number 1. (I'm not sure what typeface you're looking at, but with the one I'm using it's hard to tell.)
Finally, you missed a few more opportunities for description. The sentence: "I was becoming completely distracted in every sense of the word: Sight, sound, fragrance, touch," may leave out a bit too much - like what did he see, hear, smell or feel? I don't mean you should plop it all down right in that spot, either. You may try sprinkling a lot more of it through the entire story. By the time you feel a need to tell the reader that the guy is distracted, it will be pretty clear where his focus is, (or isn't). At that point the whole sentence becomes unnecessary.
Hope this helps.
Best regards,
VG
Hi *****,
I liked *****, the premise was a great one and your sentence structure is good: there are very few grammar or punctuation errors. I love the idea of two people doing something they shouldn't, too. The sexual tension in those situations can be infectious. There are a few things you might think about, though, to heat up reader interest even more.
I made a few notes as I read, so these are on no particular order. On top of that, these are my own preferences and opinions - others may disagree.
**********
At times the action seems to move a little too fast. For example: "Then the pants came off, and we were both in our underwear." This one left me wondering how that came about. I like to see the buttons coming undone, to see the character reactions to each new bit of exposed skin. Did their breathing pick up? Were their hearts beating harder? That kind of thing. Actions and reactions help to define who the characters are.
I think you could minimize the vocal tags. Maybe I'm going through a phase, but I try to eliminate them altogether. My feeling is that they don't add much to the scene. For example, the sentence -
"This is very naughty, don't you think?" She asked, rhetorically.
- is an opportunity for action. How about something like:
"This is very naughty, don't you think?" Her brightly colored fingernails traced a little pattern along the inner curve of her breast.
Readers don't need to be told it's a rhetorical question, they get it. As writers we need to let them get it on their own - it's part of how the reader sinks into the story. Giving her some action/reaction right after speaking makes it pretty clear who spoke, and at the same time adds to the mental picture in the reader's mind.
Use italics trick to show someone's thoughts. Parentheses make it a bit confusing. To get italics in the right places when publishing on Literotica you need to use a little HTML, like this:
<I>everthing between the tags will be in italics</I>
Whatever you do though, don't forget the </I>, or the entire rest of the page will be in italics. That's a letter I, by the way, not a number 1. (I'm not sure what typeface you're looking at, but with the one I'm using it's hard to tell.)
Finally, you missed a few more opportunities for description. The sentence: "I was becoming completely distracted in every sense of the word: Sight, sound, fragrance, touch," may leave out a bit too much - like what did he see, hear, smell or feel? I don't mean you should plop it all down right in that spot, either. You may try sprinkling a lot more of it through the entire story. By the time you feel a need to tell the reader that the guy is distracted, it will be pretty clear where his focus is, (or isn't). At that point the whole sentence becomes unnecessary.
Hope this helps.
Best regards,
VG
