a diary of lovemaking.

[Ms_Lilith]

.

 

[crystalizedjoy]

and I'm spent..

simply marvelous writing, vixen.. can't wait for the next installment..

 

[Silverluna]

*gasps* Oh wow vixen...nice diary...

 

[slowfingers1]

Please see last week's thread about masturbation at work, thanks

Slowfingers
*Tease me!*

 

[bknight2602]

Entry #1

He just couldn't keep his hands off of me.. he was so attentive, and kissing me all the time, and touching me, and hugging me, and all kinds of things, and then he pulled me to bed, and went at me like a starving man at food. And it was like that all weekend.
We were snuggling gently in bed, in the spooned position, and he began to kiss and suck on my neck, and his hands roamed over my chest, cupping my breasts and tweaking my nipples... and he began to grind his cock gently against my ass... and he pushed his cock between my asscheeks, and I began to flex them, slowly at first, then quickly.... and he got harder and harder... and then he pulled away.... and ran his fingers between my legs from behind... gently playing with both my asshole and my pussy at the same time... and he began to finger me softly.. slowly.. and then faster, pushing on my G-spot continually... and ... and I began to come and come and come... and he fucked me harder with his fingers... one at first, and then two.... and then he pulled his fingers out.. and pushed up against me with his cock... and then I shifted my hips and he pushed into me slooooooowly.... and it was a slow, gentle fuck... it lasted HOURS.... and then, when we both got worked up to a certain point... we rolled so I was laying on my stomach, and he was on top of me, still inside of me... and he began to fuck a little harder.... but still long, swift strokes... and I was just moaning and crying with orgasm into my pillow... his cock curves to hit my G-spot when he's behind me.... and then he began to quicken as he was about to come... and I arched my back and stuck my ass a little farther in the air, and he grabbed my ass cheeks and fucked for all we were worth..... and we came together, and he continued to pump until I was crying in pleasure.... and then he slowed down.... and he released my ass cheeks, and leaned over and licked my back from the small to my neck and then he collapsed on top of me, groping my breasts, and kissing my neck....

Lucky woman! Does he get better in Chapter two? hehehe

*waiting impatiently for Chapter 2*

 

[teddybear4play]

Out of all the things I want to do with you . . .

that's a good start.

TB4p

 

[penguindance]

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Rest assured, as the chapters happen, I will post them.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

.

 

[Nathon_88]

Lucky girl.

 

[Guest]

 

[Marxist]

I love you Vixen. I want you to ride my whale. My monster. It's full of love for you and you only. I love you more than my mother or her Tollhouse cookies.

I hate you Hanns. You're evil and a heartbreaking faggot.

 

[SteelAngelJohn]

Wonderful words, Vix. Wonderful. Ignore the antagonists.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Thanks, SAJ..

 

[KillerMuffin]

It's too repeptitive. The ellipses are distracting enough, but they're "en vogue" in smut these days and do a nice job of getting one out of description. They're also combatting your runon sentences. Slow and breathy (ellipses) or breathless and excited (runon). The problem with the runon is that it's juvenile in connotation, particularly with the spates of "and" and "and then." 13 year old girls gush. You're better off with the ellipses.

"...touch my G-spot with each thrust, and his desire so enflamed, he craved the feeling of my ass as he slapped against it with each thrust...."

This isn't an isolated incident. Repetition is evil.

Another piece of advice, drop the words "began" and "started."

You should go through and edit. A good rule of thumb is to ditch 10% of the words you start with.

You may want to consider skipping this in written form, it's better off as a monologue. The reason is that you're not getting a very clear message about pauses and tone. It's more detracting written than it is verbally. Written is too easy to skim, people will read it too quickly for the emotional impact to be properly felt. Verbally, however, you can control the speed that your audience gets it at and you can control the tone.

You do have some lovely turns of phrase. I was quite pleased by the cliched scene that didn't feel remotely cliche. You also did a good job conveying passion without sounding sappy. That's pretty difficult to do in a piece like this one.

I give it a 4.5 out of 10. Mostly for repetition, grammatical faux pas, and the lack of control over the tone and "feel" of the piece.

 

[Guest]

 

[MorgaineLaFay]

hijack


I love your new av vixenshe

 

[The Tin Drum]

After that spew...i'd rather bone my dog

Your dog ran away when he heard that news.

 

[april-wine]

After that spew...i'd rather bone my dog

You say it like it's the first time.....

 

[Guest]

 

[teddybear4play]

That could arouse a dead man, vix.

I happen to be alive, which makes it worse.

TB4p

 

[Devilish1]

Great writing Vixen!

Keep it up!

 

[Tazz]

Bravo

Keep it up as these keep Me up

 

[Ms_Lilith]

now that I have some more time on my hands, rest assured I will be writing more entries to the diary as they happen...

 

[Tazz]

now that I have some more time on my hands, rest assured I will be writing more entries to the diary as they happen...

I am awaiting anxiously