A Crash Course in Losing Virginity - My New Story

[andros14]

Hi. My new story, <a href="http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=108609">A Crash Course in Losing Virginity</a> is a story about a personal experience that happened about a month ago. It's a story about a couple going home for the weekend who get in a car crash and have to stay at a motel for the night. It's a "first time" story. In case the above link does not work, the url is http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=108609

Take some time and check it out!

 

[dr_mabeuse]

It's a nice little story, but you should know that you're probably the only one who cares if your story's true or not, and you're certainly the only one who knows for sure. In any case, whether it really happened or not, you still have to make it into the best story you can.

You did a good job of telling us what happened, which is probablya storyteller's first obligation. As to communicating what the two of you felt during the encounter, that could have been better. I understand that this is your first story though, so judging on those grounds, I'd say you did a fine job.

I liked the way you had them fumbling around with their "Well if you want to, I want to..." business. I would have liked to know more of what you were feeling as the tensiuon built, knowing it was finally going to happen. That "I love you." "I love you too" seemed thrown in as an after thought to try and show that this was loving sex. It didn't really come across that way. It came across as pure lust, which is okay too, but it made the "I love you" seem arttifical and contrived.

One thing: if you're trying to build up an erotic atmosphere, avoid terms like "tonsil hockey". It's a total turn off. Also, we could have lived without knowing about him throwing his condom in the garbage at the end. Maybe that's what really happened, but it makes the sex seems especially cheap and unattractive.

---dr.M.

 

[Rainbow Skin]

The language is good, with two quibbles: a bit too much repetition, such as 'pussy' all through one paragraph, where you should have used variation; and it's been contaminated by porn writing. 'Pistoning' is out of place; so is 'buried himself to the hilt', and even 'virgin pussy'. Yours is a tender love story about kids who are comfortable and a bit hesitant with each other: those phrases belong to the dominating, dehumanizing scenario of pornography.

Second, for the structure. It's very short, so you need to get the balance right, as the reader effectively takes it all in in one view. The shy disrobing, the tender clasping, the flaming-up of passion as they finally do it, these are what should stay in the mind: against this, the accident, the motel, and the disposal afterwards need to be dealt with more briefly or unobtrusively.