A bit put off...

[Famosae]

So, I'm newly single. I can finally explore this lifestyle without having to walk the thin line between thinking and talking about sexual things with someone else and actually doing them. I decided to take baby steps and ended up talking to a guy online, (not from lit.) I have a fairly good sense of what I'm looking for, and I was as honest as possible with him about it. Basically I told him that I'm looking to explore my submissive side, but that I'm not looking to be a slave any time soon. Mostly I just want to see if this has appeal for me in real life rather than just fantasy. I'm 21 and on my own for the first time. I'm figuring out who I am, and I don't think it would be good for me to relinquish my freedom or let someone else make my decisions for me just yet, if ever. (For the record, I have a lot of respect for those of you who are in relationships like this...I'm just trying to do what's right for me right now.)
Anyway, this guy went off on me. He went into this huge (poorly spelled) rant about "fakes" and how a sub should only be concerned with the needs of doms and so on and so forth. I understand his point in the context of a serious relationship, but I was wondering if this is what I should expect from anyone I get involved with or if this man was just a jerk? I mean, is what I'm looking for realistic, and if so, how can I go about finding it without offending anyone else?

 

[jadefirefly]

The man's an assmonkey. Or very poorly informed and selfish. Or both.

There is absolutely nothing wrong at all with a little healthy selfishness, and, at 21, with wanting to know what you want to do with yourself, your life, and your lifestyle. No reasonable partner in ANY sort of relationship would want their partner to be unhealthy, whether that health is mental or physical. And it would be pretty mentally unhealthy to force yourself into something right now that you don't feel 100% committed to.

I don't mean to be terribly insulting if you're particularly attached to this guy, but if you're not, I'd drop him like a hot potato. The only time anyone should be allowed to treat you like that is if you specifically agree to it -- otherwise, nobody else, ESPECIALLY someone you aren't even involved with, has any right in the world to tell you what you should or should not be doing in your personal interrelationships.

 

[BiBunny]

Don't take this the wrong way (please!), but get used to it. There are a huge number of asshats in the world, and, unfortunately, this lifestyle attracts them in droves. You have to take the good with the bad, and eventually *good* will come along. (I promise.) Congrats for not getting roped into the guy's bullshit, though. That's a mistake a lot of first-timers make. Oh, and FWIW, I don't think your desires are unreasonable at all. My advice is to know what you want (which you do) and don't compromise until you get it. Good luck!

 

[graceanne]

Actually the way you're going about it is very smart and very wise. The whole 'look before you leep' analagy is perfect here. And he's an idiot, a fake, and a wanna-be.

 

[skittles_lm]

What an ass. don't be swayed by this dirtbag... but be prepared for more of the same. Like anything else, there will always be idiots, especially when you are young and therefore stupid as a doorpost, right? i mean, aren't you?

Men are men. there are good men and bad. You'll find what you want if it is meant to be. good luck.

 

[graceanne]

What an ass. don't be swayed by this dirtbag... but be prepared for more of the same. Like anything else, there will always be idiots, especially when you are young and therefore stupid as a doorpost, right? i mean, aren't you?

Men are men. there are good men and bad. You'll find what you want if it is meant to be. good luck.

LOL Just wanted to second what she said. I believe we have an entire asshat thread around here to talk about the asshats we run into (like your's).

 

[graceanne]

Here I found it

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=387054&highlight=asshat

 

[Chicklet]

I think a key element in finding out about your sexual identity is being firm about what you want. You know you're not a fake, you know you don't want to be a "slave" and you know a moron when you see one. Don't be afraid to talk to dozens of guys who seem like they could be a good match before actually finding one you DO like.

 

[RedRiverDude]

So, I'm newly single. I can finally explore this lifestyle without having to walk the thin line between thinking and talking about sexual things with someone else and actually doing them. I decided to take baby steps and ended up talking to a guy online, (not from lit.) I have a fairly good sense of what I'm looking for, and I was as honest as possible with him about it. Basically I told him that I'm looking to explore my submissive side, but that I'm not looking to be a slave any time soon. Mostly I just want to see if this has appeal for me in real life rather than just fantasy. I'm 21 and on my own for the first time. I'm figuring out who I am, and I don't think it would be good for me to relinquish my freedom or let someone else make my decisions for me just yet, if ever. (For the record, I have a lot of respect for those of you who are in relationships like this...I'm just trying to do what's right for me right now.)
Anyway, this guy went off on me. He went into this huge (poorly spelled) rant about "fakes" and how a sub should only be concerned with the needs of doms and so on and so forth. I understand his point in the context of a serious relationship, but I was wondering if this is what I should expect from anyone I get involved with or if this man was just a jerk? I mean, is what I'm looking for realistic, and if so, how can I go about finding it without offending anyone else?

You are absolutely correct in your thinking. I like you am exploring. I want to explore my submissive side as you do. I come here to seek advice and wisdom but here I am giving it. LOL

You first have to think about what you want and desire and you can't if you do not try it at least once. I know what I want and that is to please a willing Dominatrix not only sexually but in all other aspects.

 

[Famosae]

Thanks guys. I think I just needed some reassurance. I've been thinking about trying to go to a munch or something...talk to real live people. It freaks me out a bit because I'm really shy, but I've been scavenging around the internet and there seems to be a lot going on. (I live about an hour north of Dallas.)

 

[RJMasters]

My guess is that you two are not compatibile as you are both clearly at different stages in your life and have different goals at this point and time.

There is nothing wrong with you wanting what you want for yourself and its a good idea to take some time to explore before commiting wholely to anything. If more people did it, then there would be less grief down the road.

As to wether this guy is an asshat or a wannabe as everyone seems to be claiming is not really conclusive in my eyes as I don't know him or his side of the story. From what you have related in being as honest as you can, I would thnk that he over-reacted and could be someone who is carrying a lot of baggage from previous relationships. Or he could be exactly what people are saying he is on this thread.

In part it doesn't really matter though as it is clear that he has a negative view or opinion of you and he is definately not the guy to be exploring with, especially if he has issues or baggage himself.

To answer the other part of your question. Doms come in all shape and sizes. My advice is to not put your focus online but rather in RL. Get plugged into to a local group in RL or visit places that would have Domly types. Build your experience upon real life because as you said you are trying to decide if this is something you really want or if it just fantasy.

As long as you keep your hunt and experiences in the realm of online, then you are defeating what it is you really want to find out.

My advice is to let this guy know that you are not sure what his problems or issues are, but they seem to be a deal breaker for any chance of exploring further with him. At this point and time you are not compatible and as much as you may not be what he is looking for(precieved or otherwise), he also is not what you are looking for or need at this crossroads of decision in your life. After you have done that, find a way to get plugged into the local scene and make some RL friends inside of it and take it from there.

I wish you best of luck in your seeking.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

That bit of convo you posted sends up more red flags that May day at the kremil c 1956.

I am with those who said, no go.

There are Doms out there who you will click with, and will work with you.

 

[liberatedslave]

Even if you had some D/s experience - at whatever level - practicing BDSM in real life takes trust & a certain amount of knowledge about your partner. Nobody should expect you to be a sexual doormat because you're a sub (tho they will try to). Doms are quick to complain that someone agreed to submit totally & feel cheated when it turns out they're not ready for x, y or z. They can't have it both ways up & you're right to know your limits & feelings & stick to them. Kudos to you x

 

[chris9]

So, I'm newly single. I can finally explore this lifestyle without having to walk the thin line between thinking and talking about sexual things with someone else and actually doing them. I decided to take baby steps and ended up talking to a guy online, (not from lit.) I have a fairly good sense of what I'm looking for, and I was as honest as possible with him about it. Basically I told him that I'm looking to explore my submissive side, but that I'm not looking to be a slave any time soon. Mostly I just want to see if this has appeal for me in real life rather than just fantasy. I'm 21 and on my own for the first time. I'm figuring out who I am, and I don't think it would be good for me to relinquish my freedom or let someone else make my decisions for me just yet, if ever. (For the record, I have a lot of respect for those of you who are in relationships like this...I'm just trying to do what's right for me right now.)
Anyway, this guy went off on me. He went into this huge (poorly spelled) rant about "fakes" and how a sub should only be concerned with the needs of doms and so on and so forth. I understand his point in the context of a serious relationship, but I was wondering if this is what I should expect from anyone I get involved with or if this man was just a jerk? I mean, is what I'm looking for realistic, and if so, how can I go about finding it without offending anyone else?

What I figured from what other and more experienced people here have said, even if they want slavery, total power exchange 24/7, no safewords and limits, they always choose their partners carefully and keep in view that the partner they submit to, give themselves to will be able to satisfy whatever desire they have. Once that is done, there may be the expectation that only the Doms needs are important, or at least are more important, that the subs needs will or won't be satisfied as the Dom chooses. However that is NEVER the case before an agreement is reached that in general terms the same things are wanted/expected/needed. You obviously have not reached that point with this guy.

I'm pretty much in the same situation you are in. Let me tell you that I have found a few men who see this more like I do and you seem to do. I'm not telling you who though
The asshats I use for my personal entertainment of a completely non-sexual but comedy kind.

 

[Tuomas]

So, I'm newly single. I can finally explore this lifestyle without having to walk the thin line between thinking and talking about sexual things with someone else and actually doing them. I decided to take baby steps and ended up talking to a guy online, (not from lit.) I have a fairly good sense of what I'm looking for, and I was as honest as possible with him about it. Basically I told him that I'm looking to explore my submissive side, but that I'm not looking to be a slave any time soon. Mostly I just want to see if this has appeal for me in real life rather than just fantasy. I'm 21 and on my own for the first time. I'm figuring out who I am, and I don't think it would be good for me to relinquish my freedom or let someone else make my decisions for me just yet, if ever. (For the record, I have a lot of respect for those of you who are in relationships like this...I'm just trying to do what's right for me right now.)
Anyway, this guy went off on me. He went into this huge (poorly spelled) rant about "fakes" and how a sub should only be concerned with the needs of doms and so on and so forth. I understand his point in the context of a serious relationship, but I was wondering if this is what I should expect from anyone I get involved with or if this man was just a jerk? I mean, is what I'm looking for realistic, and if so, how can I go about finding it without offending anyone else?

I think calling the guy an asshat on the basis of a very small amount of hearsay is rather asshattish in itself, therefore I won't judge him. Afterall, there might be people out there who like that kind of thing (but I have yet to meet them ). I do, however, think it's rather undomly to whine. And, considering the amount of whining I see around the place, I'd say you are going to find a lot more guys like him.

But, that doesn't mean you have to put up with it. You just have to be patient, and eventually the right kind of person will come along.

Since you are still in the exploring phase, I would recommend (not being entirely an expert here, but arrogant enough to dispense unsolicited advice anyway) that you poke around the 'net exploring what kind of things you are interested in, and finding out what you definately are not interested in. It's a lot easier to do it in virtual reality, than in person (like say, at a munch). The amount of people you can meet in real life is much more limited, and it's a lot harder to get away from them if, instead of just a jerk, you get someone who is actually bad.

Escentially, you need someone who will lead instead of push

 

[Xelebes]

People's expectations can be quite high when they get started. They often think with the hedonist fantasy ruling in their mind and it takes a while for reality to take a seat on the head. When you said you wanted to explore your submissive side, he jumped to conclusions, sparked by the excitement that this causes. This excitement can come off as being aggressive or uncomfortable for one or both participants in the discussion and can often quickly lead to falling out.

 

[CutieMouse]

As a former Dallas girl, who has attended the 4th Friday munch- it really is a very friendly and low key event. Tell the greeters that you're very new, very shy, and ask if they might introduce you to a few people who wouldn't mind adopting you for dinner. The first one I attended, I met up with someone from Lit, and we had a lovely chat; the other one I went to I introduced myself to a very nice table of women (who all turned out to be Dommes), and had an interesting evening. (I wasn't ever bold enough to attend the play parties, afterwards.)

If I still lived in Dallas, I think I'd make the munch a regular part of my social calendar; alas, I no longer live in Dallas.

 

[Yasashii_Kaze]

When I first started out, I met this "Dom" who seemed really great at first. We talked for a while online and seemed to hit it off. One night I was talking to him, and he asked when I planned on making my decision for a master. I explained to him that even after four years of research, I still had a lot of thinking to do and I wanted to be sure I made the right decision. All of a sudden, he starts going off on how I had to call him at 7pm that night with my choice, pretty much trying to bully and intimidate me into rushing things. I guess he thought he could get by with it because I'm "submissive." Needless to say, I never spoke to him again. Ironically enough, the one person who got the biggest kick out of laughing at this guy was Snooze. I later chose Him.

My point in this ramble, Famosae, is that I believe a responsible, experienced PYL will understand and appreciate your need to explore first without diving headfirst into a relationship. I second (third, fourth, etc.) everyone else's opinion that this guy is a jerk who doesn't deserve your attention. Unfortunately, it's also true that a lot of people like this guy are in the lifestyle. Just know that there are those out there who are genuinely willing to share their experience with you and be respectful in the process. Don't give up!

 

[Famosae]

Thanks for all the advice. I told him that it wasn't going to work the next time he messaged me. As for now, I'm going to keep researching and I think I'm going to brave the 4th Friday thing this month.

P.S. Asshat? Best. Word. Ever.

 

[graceanne]

Thanks for all the advice. I told him that it wasn't going to work the next time he messaged me. As for now, I'm going to keep researching and I think I'm going to brave the 4th Friday thing this month.

P.S. Asshat? Best. Word. Ever.

LOL I believe, and i could be wrong, that angelic assassin made that word up.

 

[Never]

jadefirefly:
"The man's an assmonkey. Or very poorly informed and selfish. Or both. "

Double.
Triple.
With a cherry on top.

 

[CutieMouse]

LOL I believe, and i could be wrong, that angelic assassin made that word up.

AA couldn't have made it up, because one of my dearest friends was using it loooooong before I ever "heard" AA use it.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

AA couldn't have made it up, because one of my dearest friends was using it loooooong before I ever "heard" AA use it.

same here, a friend of mine uses that word all of the time, not sure where it came from *shrugs* but i like it

 

[graceanne]

Well he's the first person I ever heard using it. Maybe it just hadn't reached the northwest yet.

 

[enpassant18]

As a former Dallas girl, who has attended the 4th Friday munch- it really is a very friendly and low key event. Tell the greeters that you're very new, very shy, and ask if they might introduce you to a few people who wouldn't mind adopting you for dinner. The first one I attended, I met up with someone from Lit, and we had a lovely chat; the other one I went to I introduced myself to a very nice table of women (who all turned out to be Dommes), and had an interesting evening. (I wasn't ever bold enough to attend the play parties, afterwards.)

If I still lived in Dallas, I think I'd make the munch a regular part of my social calendar; alas, I no longer live in Dallas.

Is there something like this on the East Coast?